Losing my clarity/focus I dunno what I'm looking for here. A kick in the ass maybe? I'm feeling myself weakening lately. Maybe I'm just lonely, or it's a product of continuing to detach emotionally from my family-- which is so new to me, but which feels right and which my therapist strongly encourages. But I'm losing focus or something in relation to R. I feel like I’m taking 2 steps forward and 2 steps back lately. Is that normal? For a while I’ve been feeling a lot better. Even had my moments when I said to myself, what was I ever doing with him? But lately it seems like I’m starting to miss him again more and more. Is it because he hasn’t called me in over a month? Is it because I haven’t been keeping as busy? I dunno. But I am remembering all these good times and nice memories, the ways I felt with him when times were good. There was something very sexy about him, or he made me feel very sexy, either way there was a little fire burning between us, and he was very funny and we really could talkto each other, believe it or not. Plus the holidays are coming. Last year at this exact time we were at our super best, really enjoying each other. I was very happy to wake up in the morning. Why can't I remember the bad stuff as easily this week? I know it was there. After all, you can only have a good conversation with someone who answers the ******* phone. I still live with my mom while I finish grad school and I was remembering last year in March when she kicked me out of the house, for dating him basically, and I had to stay with different friends for a week, I only had 3 outfits with me so I had to do laundry, and you know what? It was kind of fun, in retrospect. Liberating. He got us a hotel room the first and last nights of my “homelessness.” He was there for me with that. My mom was and is 100% wrong in that particular argument we had about him, I know that to this day. No one in my family called me to see where or how I was for three days. And when I did talk to them, I called them. My family (mom, grandma, brother) who supposedly loves me SOOOO much they couldn’t bear to see me throw my life away on him. Noone knew where I was sleeping at night. But he was there for me. Still... Nevermind that we were sort of broken up at the time and that the first night, he went and got in the other bed in the hotel because I didn’t want to have sex with him. That made me cry so he apologized for acting like an ******* and came back right away. And then 2 nights later when I was at my friend Gail’s, I didn’t get a hold of him all night, which hurt my feelings because that particular day I was in meetings all day at work and I hadn’t spoken to him since around noon, at which point I didn’t really know where I’d be sleeping that night. Brooklyn or Westchester or the Bronx. I thought he’d be more concerned as to where I ended up. He said the next daythat he knew I’d be with one of my friends, it’s not like I had nowhere to go. Meh… still bugged me. Why do I feel myself moving backwards? Or if not backwards, then standing still? For a while there I felt I was moving forward, making progress. I still do, but some weird shift is happening where I’m starting to miss him again. I have a feeling I’ll hear from him over the holidays, and part of me wants to talk to him. Just to say Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Maybe I won’t see him for a whole year, but what would be the harm in the occasional phone conversation after 6 damn months, which it will be by then, if it makes me happy. Shades of gray are popping up more and more lately. I’ll be done with school before the Spring and will FINALLY be able to get my own apartment. No one will be as directly in my business anymore as far as my family goes. So it would be easier for us to hanf out. But as far as getting back together, I don’t know if I should be with him anyway, whether he's sober or not. He’s kind of beneath me, as much as that sickens me to say. I don’t know if I could ever marry him. But I am happier when he’s in my life. And I don't feel ready to meet someone new. Or rather, to go out looking for someone new. I try, but I always end up comparing people to him. When I compare him to other addicts people talk about here, I still say he seems different from them. I believe he is sincere when he says that he never meant to hurt me, I believe he loves me. The absolute WORST things he ever did to me were lie about whether he’d drank/used (sometimes with elaborate stories justifying the disappearances), pretending not to know who certain numbers in his phone belonged to (dealers), and got wasted one night and ruined our entire weekend plans. Never hit me. Never cheated. Never called me mean names. That makes it easier for me to continue to justify things. And I dunno what to do about that. I’m doing all the right things. Al Anon, still reading all the books, still going to meditation workshops (though they had a few weeks off, starts up again this weekend), still praying. I hear myself giving this great advice to other people sometimes on here. But lately I feel kinda like a sham. I feel like there's still so much I still haven't figured out. Last night I was doing some cleaning upstairs and I found the card I wanted to give him last Valentine's Day but couldn't cuz were were fighting. It said, "Sometimes you have to stop listening to your head and start listening to your heart. So glad mine led me to you." At the time I thought that described us perfectly. I also found some other relics from when we were together. That stuff is always hard to see. We broke up, I dunno, probably 15 times in one year. Well, I broke up with him. Think we had problems?? What is with me. So yeah, I know this thread is kind of random, and I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here, lol... But if anyone understands what I'm getting at, or if this emotional back and forth is normal, any words of wisdom would be appreciated. :) |
Deax, I lost my focus over the weekend too. Just feeling nostalgic. I believe the longer I have no contact, the less frequently that will happen. Something useful I heard at a 12-step meeting once was, "Feelings are not facts." In other words, just because you miss him, doesn't mean that's based on facts that would support that emotion! I don't know . . . I just keep reading the Al-Anon 12 and 12, and that gives me renewed confidence. That's what works for me anyway . . . This too shall pass - - Hang in there! :-) |
Easy Does it Deax. There are major periods of growth in recovery (usually triggered by pain) and then it slows down somewhat..at least that's been my experience. Remember that it took years to become the person that you are and it's going to take time to undo some of the bad habits as well. Holidays are major triggers for everyone. It has taken me years to actually enjoy the holidays (I have greatly lowered my expectations and I do what I want to do not what other people want me to do). It can be a lonely time of year..Volunteering and being of service to others in need is a great way to feel better about yourself this time of year. Go back and read the paragraph about how you spent the night with him at the hotel and what happened..Read it again.. Is that REALLY the type of relationship you want? Now is the time to figure out what YOU like to do in life..what are your hobbies etc? It's great that you are almost done with school - now you will so much more time to explore, travel and get to know you better. Don't worry so much about meeting someone else..Believe it or not, there will be someone else at some point..Enjoy the "meantime"..Get busy. You can call him, if you are ready for some more pain. Hang in there..you are doing great.. |
Maybe you need to go back for a reason. Sometimes that happens. Perhaps there are still lessons to be learned. Only you know. What motivated this sentence?: After all, you can only have a good conversation with someone who answers the ******* phone. |
Hi Minx. :)
Originally Posted by Minx1969 Easy Does it Deax. There are major periods of growth in recovery (usually triggered by pain) and then it slows down somewhat..at least that's been my experience. Remember that it took years to become the person that you are and it's going to take time to undo some of the bad habits as well. Holidays are major triggers for everyone. It has taken me years to actually enjoy the holidays (I have greatly lowered my expectations and I do what I want to do not what other people want me to do). Volunteering and being of service to others in need is a great way to feel better about yourself this time of year. But I feel like I don't know myself, and I am looking forward to figuring myself out. I spent so many years being defined by others, I think, or living in reaction to them. Go back and read the paragraph about how you spent the night with him at the hotel and what happened..Read it again.. Is that REALLY the type of relationship you want? |
Originally Posted by denny57 Maybe you need to go back for a reason. Sometimes that happens. Perhaps there are still lessons to be learned. What motivated this sentence? |
Deax, do you have a list of reasons you AREN"T with him. Can you look at that and have a clear reminder of why you aren't with him? Sometimes we need reminders, without the contact pain. Feelings are just that, feelings.... Prolly not where you really want to be, and a moment worth of "tickled" can mean a longer worth of pain! It's so hard..... |
Clarity and focus are tough. I'm sorry that you are struggling. Good thing to write it out. Be patient. It takes time. Be patient. K |
Originally Posted by mazey Deax, do you have a list of reasons you AREN"T with him. Can you look at that and have a clear reminder of why you aren't with him? Sometimes we need reminders, without the contact pain. Feelings are just that, feelings.... Prolly not where you really want to be, and a moment worth of "tickled" can mean a longer worth of pain! It's so hard..... It'll pass, eventually. |
My mind goes over and over things, that is the insanity of the whole thing. Sometimes when the chaos slows down we don't know what do with ourselves, I call it self sabatoge, I start having these thoughts, justifying, ratiionalizing, questioning myself. I have to refocus, its is not rememebering the good or the bad, it is remembering what drove me to leave. Sure their were good times, every needs the feeling of being loved, but do you really want to be loved by such a sick, a person who makes you so insane. Things didn't get "that bad" for you, consider yourself lucky. The disease is progressive and the behavior gets progressively worse. It sounds like you have alot of unfinished business and issues. I pray that you can resolve them on your own, but as Denny said sometimes you need to go back and get another reminder, been there done that. Give yourself time before you do anything, this to shall pass. |
Originally Posted by mfisher Sometimes when the chaos slows down we don't know what do with ourselves, I call it self sabatoge |
Originally Posted by deax And I've been finding a lot of fault with myself, and realizing how many times I had his back up against the wall. For all his flaws, that man put up with a LOT from me. Just dunno why it's all coming back to me now. Yeah..I've beaten myself up alot over past relationships too..but we are human and we get to be human faults and all... One thing that is really helpful is to do is work the steps..In our 4th step we get to look at ourselves as whole human beings and then by the time we reach our 8th and 9th, we get to make amends to the people we have hurt...Sometimes we do direct amends and sometimes not. In my case, my sponsor wouldn't let me do direct amends to my ex..But I'm keeping him and other exs on my list should I ever run into them in the future - I'll make those amends.. Even today I was kind of an a$$ to my boyfriend this morning..so I'll have to apologize... I guess the key is to clean up the past (which you are doing) and then keep the present clean! |
Don't beat yourself help. Try not to think of it as "wasted" time. You are following your path. You're questioning everything and that is good. The flip side could be being so paralyzed with fear that I end up making no decision. I was 42 before I started to see the light and I really mean started. It took another 5 years before I learned what alcoholism was and started my own recovery. Up til then I thought I could love him out of it. Take care of you. You are worth it. |
Originally Posted by denny57 Take care of you. You are worth it. |
Hi Deax, Girl I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I have been reading on here for a while and I wanted to let you know that I feel as though I can relate the best to you. I think that our situations are the most similiar and sometimes I feel as though you are writing and feeling exactly what is in my head and my heart at that very moment. It is sometimes kind of scary how closely I relate to you. The one thing that really hit home is this. But lately it seems like I’m starting to miss him again more and more. Is it because he hasn’t called me in over a month? Is it because I haven’t been keeping as busy? I dunno. But I am remembering all these good times and nice memories, the ways I felt with him when times were good. There was something very sexy about him, or he made me feel very sexy, either way there was a little fire burning between us, and he was very funny and we really could talkto each other, believe it or not. Plus the holidays are coming. Last year at this exact time we were at our super best, really enjoying each other. I was very happy to wake up in the morning. When I compare him to other addicts people talk about here, I still say he seems different from them. I believe he is sincere when he says that he never meant to hurt me, I believe he loves me. The absolute WORST things he ever did to me were lie about whether he’d drank/used (sometimes with elaborate stories justifying the disappearances), pretending not to know who certain numbers in his phone belonged to (dealers), and got wasted one night and ruined our entire weekend plans. Never hit me. Never cheated. Never called me mean names. That makes it easier for me to continue to justify things. And I dunno what to do about that You had said that you are doing a lot of things to keep yourself busy and that is good ,but do you workout at all?? I have started working out again( and it was not easy getting myself back to the gym) and I am feeling better everyday that I continue to workout. Give it a try!!! Take care Girl!!! :Val004: |
I just wanted you to know that I know the exact pain you are going through I'll fill you in on my therapy last night in case any of it helps you too. So I told my doc about all this. And she said, so you're not ready to let go of him yet. It's ok. Stop resisting that and trying to force it to happen. Focus on other stuff you need to deal with, your family etc. But she always says that the healthier I get, the more I won't want him anymore, eventually. And that pisses me off, for some reason. That makes it sound like my entire relationship was built on my dysfunction-- and some of that I totally understand: my self esteem issues, knowing I was 'superior' to him and the other people in his life, I always had every advantage over them, etc., but at the same time I feel like my feelings, and even his, were more than that. She told me not to stay with someone out of pity, which I didn't think I was doing but at the same time I already do feel guilty already if the day ever comes that I don't want him anymore, especially if he gets sober. Then I told her I have a few videos of him on my phone, like one where he's showing his stupid vegetable garden in his yard, one where he was cooking me dinner, one he got a ticket and was mad (but it's funny) and how cute he could be, and she said you're attracted to him and he's clearly not a malicious or vicious guy, and THAT made me feel bad for him. But driving home I realized.... so is that the least common denominator? That he's not mean? Still doesn't mean he's enough. Ughhhhh. So confusing. The guy just pulls at my heartstrings. THEN, after therapy I had coffee with a friend. And she was like, but you weren't happy when you were with Rich. You were always either crying, or angry, or whatever he DID do right wasn't good enough. You didn't seem happy. But I was-- I was actually happier in the chaos than without it, and mixed into the chaos was the fun stuff. Myt therapist also said what mfisher alluded to earlier, that I might be creating drama now that he IS staying away. Coming from my family, I dunnno what to do with myself when things get too peaceful. So I have to get upset all over again. I TOTALLY equate love with drama. I do. The more he fights for me right now and doesn't accept the no contact= passion. The angrier he gets over me indicates how strong his emotions are. The more jealous he gets, the better. Etcetera. My worst nightmare is like, 2 people sitting at a breakfast table reading the newspaper. Bleghhh! My therapist said that's what was at the heart of my attraction to him, that until my ideas about love change, I'll always bring this drama into my life. I try to keep telling myself that there is someone else out there for me who will give me all the wonderful things that he gave me without all the extra baggage. You had said that you are doing a lot of things to keep yourself busy and that is good ,but do you workout at all?? I have started working out again( and it was not easy getting myself back to the gym) and I am feeling better everyday that I continue to workout. Give it a try!!! Thanks again, D! You take care, too. |
I was with an A bf for 3yrs. we've been broken up for just over 2yrs. I still go through boughts of longing for him and thinking on the good times. I've told my close friends about our relationship and how unhealthy I know it was intellectually but how I'm still not "over it". I usually turn to them when I'm feeling that way and they remind me about the tough times that seem to fade away when I really miss him. I talked to a mutual friend of ours recently and he unintentionally did this for me. Ex A bf had come to visit him and the friend said to me "he's exactly the same" and described the weekend the spent together. It reminded me of the bad times and helped me move past the missing him pains. My advice would be to reach out to friends and ask for their support. I know my mom is still hostile towards him and it seems like she just thinks I'm being stupid but my girlfriends are supportive and kind and remind me of what I want. |
Originally Posted by Midnightfrost I was with an A bf for 3yrs. we've been broken up for just over 2yrs. I still go through boughts of longing for him and thinking on the good times. I've told my close friends about our relationship and how unhealthy I know it was intellectually but how I'm still not "over it". I usually turn to them when I'm feeling that way and they remind me about the tough times that seem to fade away when I really miss him. I talked to a mutual friend of ours recently and he unintentionally did this for me. Ex A bf had come to visit him and the friend said to me "he's exactly the same" and described the weekend the spent together. It reminded me of the bad times and helped me move past the missing him pains. My advice would be to reach out to friends and ask for their support. I know my mom is still hostile towards him and it seems like she just thinks I'm being stupid but my girlfriends are supportive and kind and remind me of what I want. |
Originally Posted by deax I TOTALLY equate love with drama. I do. The more he fights for me right now and doesn't accept the no contact= passion. The angrier he gets over me indicates how strong his emotions are. The more jealous he gets, the better. Etcetera. My worst nightmare is like, 2 people sitting at a breakfast table reading the newspaper. Bleghhh! My therapist said that's what was at the heart of my attraction to him, that until my ideas about love change, I'll always bring this drama into my life. When I first met L - he wasn't my type..too nice, too responsible, safe but my gut/intuition KNEW that this was the type of guy I really wanted to be with. To grow old with, to have kids with etc. So I kept on dating him..and I'm expecting a ring any day now.. So I had to examine my views on passion/love/relationships etc. What I found is that I can have excitement in other parts of my life..I can travel, I can jump out of airplanes - I can get passion and drama in other parts. I just come to SR or talk to my friends and watch the drama from the side lines.. Not that I don't have passion for my boyfriend.. I do..I just learned that secure doesn't mean boring. I have so much more freedom in this relationship to be me and to focus on my life. I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be supported - I mean truly supported and able to be me..100% me - even when I'm bitchy. L and I probably are the two people reading the newspaper but we are also talking about what's going on in the newspaper, cracking little jokes as we go - definately not avoiding each other or not talking to each other. The more peace and serenity I have, the happier I am. Peace and serenity does feel weird in the beginning but now I'm so grateful that I can truly say I'm pretty happy most of the time.. Oh yeah..another thing..once I got into this relationship I realized that I had commitment issues..relationship yes - marriage is another thing..I picked those dramatic guys for a reason - it kept me from committing... But I've worked through that in therapy as well..The idea of getting married is not as scary to me today as it was before.. |
When I'm depressed, which feels like always lately, the hardest thing is for me to get active. I just wanna stay in bed all day. But yeah when I push myself to start running again, it does tend to make me feel better. I took this week and last week off due to my mood but I'm gonnna try and force myself to start again. Physical activity does help relieve depression, I think I read that once.[ THEN, after therapy I had coffee with a friend. And she was like, but you weren't happy when you were with Rich. You were always either crying, or angry, or whatever he DID do right wasn't good enough. You didn't seem happy. But I was-- |
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