Losing my clarity/focus

Old 11-01-2006, 04:42 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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OOps, i hit the button before i was finished. Anyway when I start to miss him I put myself back into those scenarios and really try to focus on the bad times. I love him still but I love myself even more to know that I don't want that kind of crap in my life. I cried myself to sleep that night after I got done cleaning up the mess in the kitchen( which I totally should not have done). That night should have been so awesome and romantic. We could have had a candlelight dinner(which he had lit) and we could have had a wonderful night and i could have woke up the next day in his arms but instead I woke up with puffy eyes and in the bed by myself feeling so alone and scared and not knowing what the hell I was going to do with this situation. That is just one situation out of so many. He ruined so many nights for us because of his drinking and my tears were not enough reason for him to stop and they never will be.

No, but I have to say that I kind of led him on that night. I was so mixed up about him, we were on and off and on and off, and I loved him and wanted to be close to him so I made some conflicting choices, but I had no right to make out heavily with him for 20 minutes and then say, "I don't wanna do this." I had issues with sex with him, I think because that general trust piece was so in question all the time.
Gosh this is also similiar- I am glad someone else has done this. I have done this to the ex too. Not intentionally but there were times when we would be having a really good night and we would start to mess around and we would be into it but I would want to stop all of a sudden. I wanted to feel so close to him but a part of me had been lied to and decieved so much at that point that I was so afraid of having those nights with him and getting so close and so in love with him again only to have it blow up in my face the next day. I would try but scenes of him being so wasted would flash thruogh my head and I just could not do it. He understood but also would get mad and feel rejected and it would give him just another reason to go drink. It was a nasty cycle and I am glad that i am not apart of it right now.

I know that a part of me will always love him but I am starting to have days more often where I know that we were not right and that maybe God is keeping us a part for a reason right now. Whether or not he brings us back together again in the future is up to him. It is hard still and I still hurt. I want to call him right now and just talk. I even miss his family. I have a really big, close family but they had become my second family. It is so wierd to be apart of something for 3 yrs and then it just stops. IT seems almost wrong to me but I guess i just have to accept it and keep on coming on here for support. Girl we will get through this and hopefully one of these days we will be typing to each other about the new guys that we are with that are wonderful!!

I am going to go to the gym now-you should give it a try. Maybe I will meet a hottie at the gym!!! LOL-just kidding.
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Old 11-01-2006, 08:56 PM
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Minx, I'm gonna read through your old posts tomorrow when I get time at work, I really want to see your journey with this stability/boring thing. Because I think I have a serious problem with this.

Designer, thanks for sharing that story about the dinner. I can see some of the similarities you mentioned, R used to get upset and cry over the things he'd done, too-- which left me feeling too bad for him to get sufficiently angry sometimes. I definitely understand about wanting to be close but fearing the moment the other shoe drops, that trust issue was huge.

As far as the gym, get this-- in addition to all my other problems, almost NONE of my favorite clothes, well jeans/pants, from last spring fit me anymore, I was a size 10 at the time and now I can't get into any of my 10 jeans! Had to buy like 3 pairs of new jeans last weekend and some stuff for work in the next size. VERY upset about that, I could kill myself. I like to blame that on him too, I used to joke to my friends (in response to the less serious problems we had), "I can't believe he pulls this **** with me, he KNOWS I'm a stress eater!" lol... Plus on top of the stress and anxiety I've had from the no contact, all of last year since we weren't welcome in anyone's houses in either of our families, we did a lot of eating out, and now I'm paying for it. So yep, it's time to get my ass in gear, and I'll be with you in spirit at the gym. Good luck meeting your hottie there. Thanks again for sharing.
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Old 11-01-2006, 09:32 PM
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When I compare him to other addicts people talk about here, I still say he seems different from them. I believe he is sincere when he says that he never meant to hurt me, I believe he loves me.
Deax,
I could have written that about my AH. Or, I realized, about my exA.

I have no advice or wisdom. I just wanted to let you know that you've given me an incredible insight about my own life with your post.

I've been married to an A for 13 years. But even though I know that the guy I was involved with before that is now in recovery -- I never realized how much his disease affected me.

Reading what you said about Rich made me realize that I was codependent before I walked into this marriage. And I think that realization will really help me in my recovery. So thank you!
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Old 11-01-2006, 10:03 PM
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Wow, Deax, I also feel amazingly close to the things you were saying. It was good to read all of that because it helps me realize that I'm not alone with my struggles either. It's so weird...I was cooking right along for a while, and then suddenly I started to feel things about him again. Like today, I was telling a friend that it was difficult to leave someone you love. This is the same girl who a month ago was saying she didn't think she loved him anymore. The past week I have felt like calling him so bad...just to hear his voice, for him to tell me I'm OK......I don't know what for!!!! Like you, I don't actually plan on doing so, but the emotions are very real. I keep finding myself wondering if we could make it work. It scares me a little, you know? The only thing I know wholeheartedly is that I will never live the way I was living again. Period. But I find myself wanting to believe his promises that things will be better. It scares me to know that my head even went there, to a place where I know I was painfully unhappy. I don't ever want to be there again. And I've said several times to friends, "Wow, it's like I wasted 7 years of my life." And I'm 28!!! I know that, like you said, it really just means that I'm not ready to completely let go yet. But it sucks for now. I'm sure I'll get there eventually...just like I eventually left. Again, our stories are SO similar...I also just struggle with getting out of bed each day. It's just gotten so hard. I struggle with stupid things too, like taking my dog to go outside to go to the bathroom. It needs to happen, but I sometimes can't even bring myself to do it. It's weird. I'm in a funk.

And I don't feel ready to meet someone new. Or rather, to go out looking for someone new.
I also understand this. I have been going out with friends, but I find myself not even wanting to go down this road of the 'dating scene.' I am not "available" yet, but even just being out talking to people overwhelms me. And then I listen to my friends talk about all of their drama with their boyfriends, and I think to myself that I can't imagine being back in that world again. My world, although clearly difficult, had come to some point of consistency. I've had a few guys ask me to go to dinner or something, but it all just seems so hard...I don't know if I have it in me to go through all of the dating crap again!!!

I didn't mean to go off....I just related SO CLOSELY with what you are saying. I am continually amazed at how our stories coincide with each others across the board. We all go through a process, both us and our 'As.' I guess there is some relief in the fact that I'm not the only one heading down this uncertain path.

Hang in there. (((Deax)))
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Old 11-01-2006, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by TexasGirl
Like today, I was telling a friend that it was difficult to leave someone you love. This is the same girl who a month ago was saying she didn't think she loved him anymore.
This is actually great recovery and growth, TG. I was very scared to consider the idea I could still love someone but leave anyway. I thought it had to be black and white. Maturity is in the greys.

I think you are both awesome.
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Old 11-02-2006, 09:14 AM
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Remember tho, there are repeated cycles. I just was looking back at my diary from 2 years ago...was ready to leave, had a place, etc. then he wanted to talk, 'don't want you to leave'(melted my heart, cuz of course I wanted to stay and make it work!), for a few weeks it was "perfect" (all the good things)THEN, right back to the usual "stuff", no calls, drunk, silent, mean comments, etc. Over my 14 years with him this happened ALOT! Silly me for each time, trusting, wanting to believe and staying....only to go thru it yet another time!
Not this time, but it took alot of repeats to get there. Not that this will happen to each person, but I'll bet the odds are it will. Sorry.
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Old 11-02-2006, 10:39 AM
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Dn't have a lot of time to write til later because I'm having a very hectic day (AND I got a $115 parking ticket this am) but just wanted to say...

to Texas Girl-- thanks for posting. Yeah I've always noticed too that were in similar boats even with the timing of things, but I thought you seemed to have been doing so well lately. Better than I am, I thought. And part of the reason I started this thread I think was because I'm always comparing myself to others to find something wrong with me, so I wanted to make sure that what I was feeling was actually ok-- and you guys have shown me that it is. I guess that's part of my self esteem issues, I'm never doing anything well enough. Or something. Even this kinda stuff, with which you can only do your best and take one thing at a time. I really liked what you said about doing things "eventually." Maybe that's just perfectly fine!

I remember when I was pretty new here a member said something to me like, "stop talking that way, you're being a bad example of recovery to other people, you're supposed to get more serene every day not go backwards." I don't think she probably meant it that way and I can't remember what I said that her comment was in response to, but that always bounces around in my head. Am I supposed to feel a little better every day? Because if so, I'm doing something wrong. I'm not recovering "right." I go backwards alot. So therefore I'm different from everyone else, more messed up than everyone else. Kinda like the As who are "terminaly unique," I tend to think of myself that way too.

Side note: I get jealous and pissed off at people with all their serenity, when their recovery is working. Then I get jealous and pissed off of the people who are doing all the 'wrong' things and still dancing the dance with their As, because at least they still get to talk to them, to hold on a little longer. Constantly comparing my situation to other people. Myself to other people.

So even though I know logically that I shoulnd't feel that there are emotional timelines, I still always beat myself up with it. "You shoudl not be feeling this way!" The I get frustrated because aside from working the steps, I'm doing everything I can think of. If only I was as patient with myself as I had been with him!

What denny said is absolutely true, that maturity is in the greys. Thank you for that, denny, and for all your help and guidance always. But that statement reminded me of something-- how alot of times with the things I can understand logically, like the grey areas in life and leaving someone even though you love them and how feelings aren't facts--I get it, but I'm still waiting for the rest of me to catch up with my head. You know? Like that light bulb "a-ha!" moment where things click and all of a sudden they make sense on a whole new level? I'm still waiting for that. Looking very much forward to it, in fact. My goal now is to stop beating myself up for not getting things enough-- fast enough, clearly enough, etc.

mazey- it's the sad truth. I'm also working on accepting the fact that even if he found a sobriety that lasted the rest of his life, Rich still might not be the one for me. Still might be a symptom of my own problems not being resolved. That's why some days it feels like there's no prize at the end of any of this waiting for me. No external prize anyway. Hard work on myself ahead is all I can see, ad nauseum. Nah, just kidding. Kinda. I know I'll be happier, but part of me is afraid, I guess.

I love all you guys for the stuff you always give me to think about. Thanks again to all of you.
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Old 11-02-2006, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by TexasGirl
I also understand this. I have been going out with friends, but I find myself not even wanting to go down this road of the 'dating scene.' I am not "available" yet, but even just being out talking to people overwhelms me. And then I listen to my friends talk about all of their drama with their boyfriends, and I think to myself that I can't imagine being back in that world again. My world, although clearly difficult, had come to some point of consistency. I've had a few guys ask me to go to dinner or something, but it all just seems so hard...I don't know if I have it in me to go through all of the dating crap again!!!
same here! The whole idea of dating is overwhelming and scary! I watch friends go on dates and fall into relationships and it totally mystifies me! Things just don't seem that easy for me. I'm terrified of ending up in another dysfunctional relationship. When I do go on dates as soon as things start getting intimate I want to run usually I back off as soon as they start to show interest! I don't know how to get to know someone drama free. With my ex Abf we bonded over drama. Crazy family, crazy friends. . . . the highs and the lows. I don't know how a "normal" relationship progresses. Always guessing at things. Is this too intense. Are things moving too quickly? I want to move slowly. I want to get to know someone. Aggg!
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Old 11-02-2006, 12:11 PM
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so don't date.

Take time to get to know yourself, to enjoy your life.

take time to get healthy.

The addage "water rises to its own level" is true.

The healthier you get, the more you see the red flags, the less likely you are to be attracted to or stay in an unhealthy relationship.
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Old 11-02-2006, 01:14 PM
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Who ever said that it wasn't okay to remember the good times?

I just get that feeling from most of you, that there is some "guilt" for thinking that way. There are good memories and bad memories. I don't see how one set(the good) is supposed to disappear and the other (the bad) is supposed to be remembered so we can learn from our mistakes. As long as you can remember that he will never be like that again, it's not the same man before his addiction became the boss, then I don't see the problem with enjoying a few good times too.

Below, Red equals the past, whether it was things that made you feel good or bad, it's still the past, and that's where it stays, with no expectations for him to be the same way again. You have accepted that you can't change him, or cure him, so then there should be no expectations to be the same guy he used to be.



I feel like I’m taking 2 steps forward and 2 steps back lately. Is that normal? For a while I’ve been feeling a lot better. Even had my moments when I said to myself, what was I ever doing with him?

But lately it seems like I’m starting to miss him again more and more. Is it because he hasn’t called me in over a month? Is it because I haven’t been keeping as busy? I dunno. But I am remembering all these good times and nice memories, the ways I felt with him when times were good. There was something very sexy about him, or he made me feel very sexy, either way there was a little fire burning between us, and he was very funny and we really could talkto each other, believe it or not. Plus the holidays are coming. Last year at this exact time we were at our super best, really enjoying each other. I was very happy to wake up in the morning.

Why can't I remember the bad stuff as easily this week? I know it was there. After all, you can only have a good conversation with someone who answers the ******* phone.

I still live with my mom while I finish grad school and I was remembering last year in March when she kicked me out of the house, for dating him basically, and I had to stay with different friends for a week, I only had 3 outfits with me so I had to do laundry, and you know what? It was kind of fun, in retrospect. Liberating. He got us a hotel room the first and last nights of my “homelessness.” He was there for me with that. My mom was and is 100% wrong in that particular argument we had about him, I know that to this day.

No one in my family called me to see where or how I was for three days. And when I did talk to them, I called them. My family (mom, grandma, brother) who supposedly loves me SOOOO much they couldn’t bear to see me throw my life away on him. Noone knew where I was sleeping at night. But he was there for me. Still...
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