Hi Deax,
Girl I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I have been reading on here for a while and I wanted to let you know that I feel as though I can relate the best to you. I think that our situations are the most similiar and sometimes I feel as though you are writing and feeling exactly what is in my head and my heart at that very moment. It is sometimes kind of scary how closely I relate to you. The one thing that really hit home is this.
But lately it seems like I’m starting to miss him again more and more. Is it because he hasn’t called me in over a month? Is it because I haven’t been keeping as busy? I dunno. But I am remembering all these good times and nice memories, the ways I felt with him when times were good. There was something very sexy about him, or he made me feel very sexy, either way there was a little fire burning between us, and he was very funny and we really could talkto each other, believe it or not. Plus the holidays are coming. Last year at this exact time we were at our super best, really enjoying each other. I was very happy to wake up in the morning.
I have gone through numerous stages. There are times where I feel that everything in my life is going the way it should and I feel that I can go on with out him and then there are times like this week that all I could think about was how much I missed him. I just want to be the way we were-when it was good. We had a closeness and a love that was real and I miss the way I felt when he used to hug me or the way I felt when he used to kiss me good night and I knew that I had someone lying next to me that loved me. Those are the times that I want back so badly but I also have to ask myself if I would take back the lies and the broken promises ,and that is for sure a no. I try to keep telling myself that there is someone else out there for me who will give me all the wonderful things that he gave me without all the extra baggage. I deserve that kind of a love and so do you.
When I compare him to other addicts people talk about here, I still say he seems different from them. I believe he is sincere when he says that he never meant to hurt me, I believe he loves me. The absolute WORST things he ever did to me were lie about whether he’d drank/used (sometimes with elaborate stories justifying the disappearances), pretending not to know who certain numbers in his phone belonged to (dealers), and got wasted one night and ruined our entire weekend plans. Never hit me. Never cheated. Never called me mean names. That makes it easier for me to continue to justify things. And I dunno what to do about that
I do the same exact thing. I find myself justifying everything that my exabf did because I know that he is a really good person. He was actually really romantic at times. He never hit me, cheated on me or called me a bad name in the three yrs we were together. The only time that we really ever got into heated arguments was when the bottle was around. That bottle changed my sweet wonderful caring boyfriend into this lying awful heartless person. I miss that sweet guy that I knew but honestly I don't miss the sleepless nights, the lies, the ruined plans, the way I felt when I found him wasted. I too have to stop myself and really focus on the bad times when I start to remember the way it felt when he held me or kissed me and told me he loved me. Of course I am going to miss that and who knows one day we may be together again but for right now I know that he is not the person that I could plan my future with so for right now I am just going to hold on tight to my dreams and as hard as it may seem some days just focus on myself. It is tough and these holidays are going to be very hard. I know because Halloween was hard for me- I can't even imagine how thanksgiving or christmas is going to be. I just wanted you to know that I know the exact pain you are going through and I know that there are others on this disc. board that also understands what it is like to miss the ones that we truly loved.
You had said that you are doing a lot of things to keep yourself busy and that is good ,but do you workout at all?? I have started working out again( and it was not easy getting myself back to the gym) and I am feeling better everyday that I continue to workout. Give it a try!!!
Take care Girl!!!
