cocoa

let me start by saying, I know he has to do it for himself, but i'm at me witts end. I know this sounds selfish, but what about me? My husband was sober for 3 years, and now hes been drinking again for 1 month. Hes getting worse, and worse. Theres nothing I can do to stop it, believe me i've tried. I love him soo much, it hurts to see him like this. Hes just a blubbering mess. He is getting very close to loosing his job. Did I mention hes on probation, so i don't know what could happen if he got into trouble. I'm scared, and worried, and tired. I pray, and pray. I know god is listening, it's my husband whos not. What can I do, I know I can't make him get help. Iknow I have to watch out for myself. Thats great and all, and I don't want to sound rude, but How can I just sit here and watch steve, and our marriage die! I will not leave him, I love him, and I took a vow before god, that I don't intend to break, so what are my options? I'm starting to get physically sick from all the upset. Aside from helping myself with al-anon (again no disrespect) what can I do?

denny57

Have you read Co-dependent No More? Have you read the Stickys at the top of the forum?

Janitw

Hello Cocoa - I've been married to an alcoholic for 22 years going on 23 and we are now divorcing..not my choice he filed after leaving the kids and I for another woman. Please remember one thing ok. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

He has to do it for himself and for no other reason. Mine would not stop for us or himself and now he is gone. So no matter what - they have choices but then so do we..'...and we are stronger than they are and we follow through with what we say most of the time and they don't or can't. Set boundaries firmly in place and abide by them as though they were written into your vows because if you don't...you will go crazy with all the chaos. You must let go and let God honey. When I said "I do" I did not mean that I would do it all. None of us should. Stick around here sweetie and learn - we are all here for you - you are not alone. Read the stickies at the top of the page there is an abundance of information here posted by all the good people here. Take care and hugs to you and yours.

cocoa

[QUOTE=Janitw]Hello Cocoa - I've been married to an alcoholic for 22 years going on 23 and we are now divorcing..not my choice he filed after leaving the kids and I for another woman. Please remember one thing ok. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

He has to do it for himself and for no other reason. Mine would not stop for us or himself and now he is gone. So no matter what - they have choices but then so do we..'...and we are stronger than they are and we follow through with what we say most of the time and they don't or can't. Set boundaries firmly in place and abide by them as though they were written into your vows because if you don't...you will go crazy with all the chaos. You must let go and let God honey. When I said "I do" I did not mean that I would do it all. None of us should. Stick around here sweetie and learn - we are all here for you - you are not alone. Read the stickies at the top of the page there is an abundance of information here posted by all the good people here. Take care and hugs to you and yours.[/QUOTE


Thank you for your advice. I'm sorry about your husband. It's never easy. I know it has nothing to do with me, and I know I can't cure it. I guess I just wish he could. And I know that he can, if he chooses too. I'll try to let go, and live my life the best i can. I just can't imagine not having my loving, normal husband around, and I'm sad. I't will get better, I have faith. either one way or another. with or without him. By the way, what are stickies, and how can I find them? Thanks again, Kim

ilovebdj

Hi Cocoa. I'm sorry you are going through rough times right now and my thoughts are with you.

Stickies are the 10 or so threads/posts at the very top of the forum, in the beginning before these threads. They have a wealth of information on everything. I know when I was out of my mind, I read the stickies AND read a lot of others posts on here. It might not solve your problem, but it will help somewhat to know that you aren't alone. xoxo

ilovebdj

PS - If you still can't figure out the stickies, write back.

prodigal

What can I say? You situation is painful and it stinks. You are sitting there helpless watching the man you love slip away. It gets worse everytime they quit using and pick up again. I've had to sit and watch this. I left the house, sometimes for days on end. He was on a bender and hardly noticed I was gone. Oftentimes he honestly did not know I had left!

I applaud you for honoring your wedding vows. This is a noble thing to do in a time where divorce is so easy to attain, since almost every state is a no-fault state. However, you are faced with the fact that your husband is not honoring himself, you, or your marriage. For the time being, you have to live with that.

If you're getting physically ill from all the stress, please go see a doctor. I do not subscribe to the belief that everyone should be running off to a doc just to get wacked out on anti-depressants or sleep aids when the going gets tough, but you're physically breaking down. A doctor should be able to prescribe something short-term to help you sleep and digest food.

You are going through a terrible thing. Keep posting. You will receive support. We've all been where you are.

denny57

cocoa - I second prodigal's suggestion about the doctor. I was also having terrible health problems while living with AH and seeing the doctor truly saved my life. Take care.

Did you find those stickys?

robina

You sound pretty much at the end of your rope. The stress of dealing with something like this can be terrible. I hope you keep coming back and sharing your experiences with us. You will get a lot of good advice and feeback from people who understand what you are going through.

It's good you are going to Al-anon. Do you have a sponsor yet? I found that I got better much faster once I had a sponsor to help me work my way through the steps.

God bless

robina

I agree with this - the stress of living with an alcoholic can literally make us very sick - and if you are in your forties or fifties, the chances of getting a serious stress related health problem (for example, stroke, heart problems) are very high.

Those of us dealing with an active alcholic in our lives need to watch our stress levels (and health) very closely.

ASpouse

I agree with everyone else, but what strikes me is this relapse is only 1 month old so far and you are feeling so despondent (rightfully so), imagine how YOU will feel in 6 months, a year, 2 years!

Please know there is nothing you can do for him, but there is PLENTY you an do for yourself. As far as honoring your vows ...... how noble of you, it's a shame he doesn't feel the same way. Marriage is a two way street between 2 people. He seems to have taken a detour or a different road than you are on.

equus

This thread asking how to help a partner might be really useful to you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lic-lover.html

There is information out there about how we can offer help and be a positive influence, it's even well researched and effective. But looking after yourself is so important, mentally and physically. Seeing your doctor would seem a very good first step.

lizzy girl

I am where you are at Cocoa. The stress of my AH's numerous relapse's over the past year, and 27 years of living with his alcoholism has caused me to have numerous physical and emotional problems. The stress was killing me and I finally sought counseling. I didn't connect my problems at the time with stress, but I sure do now. I developed major anxiety once I entered into counseling and started working on my emotions. Medication has helped me, I do hope to do without it soon, but for now it's a lifesaver. It was hard for me to seek medical attention for anxiety, but I found a very compassionate physician whose father was an alcoholic. Don't hesitate to see a doctor if you are getting sick. Take care of yourself first--no one else will!! I choose not to go to Ala-non, but I have found counseling from a LADC (Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor) to provide the structure and support I need to get through this time in my life, which ever direction it may take with my marriage.

Please hang in there and keep posting to SR. Everyone here has helped me enormously, I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this wonderful support group. You are not alone in this.

cocoa

thank you to everyone for your advice. I know this is hard, and it sucks. I feel even worse watching him go through this again. What I don't get is he has done this for years, drank himself silly, and then gets sober. This last time he has been sober for 3 years. He knows it's wrong, he knows it will kill him. It wreaks havoc on his whole body, and I'm the one who has to hear the moaning, and groaning when hes passed out. Then he goes and does it again. Hes ashamed, and the only way to mask that shame, is to drink again. What the hell is wrong with that. Sometimes I think maybe I should go out and get a drink so I don't have to deal with it. But I know thats wrong, and I don't. I've been dealing with this for 5 years, while hes been dealing with this for like 20 years. Hasn't he had enough? Hes hit rock bottom sooooo many times. How many times does he need to go through this? I know I'm just venting. I do have control over the money, so thats reasurring. We do not have any children, incase your wondering. Sometimes I think about leaving, but I can't bring myself to do it. I love my husband, despite this problem. I am really enjoying hearing from everyone. And it feels good to know I'm not alone. Thanks again for listening. OH! I am on anti-depressants, for the few of you who mentioned it. I'll be fine.

jimhere

My heart goes out to you from the other side. I am the alcoholic and believe me, your husband has his private hell to go through.

As for your question of "hasn't he had enough," no one knows when how much enough is or or how many times an alcoholic has to go through the the sobering up-drinking again-sobering up process. Not even the alcoholic know the answer to those questions. Some never seem to get to that place of "having enough."

The problem here for you is that you will get sicker yourself sitting by and watching, waiting for him to have enough. I guess the question, hard as it may be, is when will you have enough?

I don't mean to come across as cold-blooded, but alcoholism is a cruel illness, the most baffling of them all IMO. Both to the alcoholic and to the ones who love them.
Regards,
Jim

ASpouse

As usual Jim, a great post and a great reply! I know I am grateful you are here.

Yes cocoa, when will you have had enough? Simple enough question, very hard to answer.

cocoa

Lets hear it for 1 day sober!!!! I know its not much, but it's a day I'm not a nervous wreck. Jim I respect you so much, and your advice. The truth is I don't know if I'll ever have enough. I suppose i just get through the day, and worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. I know right now I want to be there for him, and support him. Jim I would love to hear your story. Just a little something to keep me believing that recovery can happen again.

megamysterioso

Cocoa- I wish you all the best with this. The only way to stay remotely sane if your AH is active again is to master detachment IMO. My husband was an active alcoholic who simply was not ready to get help and I could not fathom living with it for another moment. He and I were recently divorced. IMO, marriage is a partnership between two people and I could not be happy in a situation where I would have to become that detached from my partner to keep a shred of sanity. Jim as always has given you stellar advice from the other side. If there ever is an "enough" for you, you'll know it in your own time.

jimhere

Hi Cocoa,
I'm glad that I could help. As for my story, I'm a bit pressed for time. Maybe later today. I am honored that you would be interested in it though.
Jim