first steps... what to do for/with an alcoholic lover?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: vermont
Posts: 5
first steps... what to do for/with an alcoholic lover?
Hello everyone. I've been reading lots and lots here and have already learned a ton. Of course, I still have questions... probably more than when I joined up! So thank you in advance for reading my post and any suggestions you might have. I'm sure you've heard it timeless times before...
I just moved in with a wonderful man, but am only just realizing the full extent of his drinking now. (We've been together about 1 1/2 years.) His liquor of choice seems to be vodka, although i get the "one or two beers" line like many others have talked about in these posts.
He works two jobs. At one he is completely straight, he has to be. At the other he keeps a bottle of vodka in the freezer and beer in the fridge. He'll get tanked at the end of the day (it amazes me that this can happen in a matter of minutes it seems!) and drive home. A friend of his alluded to him having done this for years and that "he's good at it" and knows all the local cops - hence he has a safety net of sorts. He'll be glassy eyed and unable to hold a proper conversation with me, much less take part in any activities etc that require control. I'm sure you all get the picture. He is not abusive, does not yell or get violent.. he's just on another plane...
I have bitten my tongue when he is impaired.. i know that any attempt to talk about it when he is under the influence is futile. I have talked to him about it a little when he's sober, but beyond telling him my concerns I'm not sure what to say. I haven't told him I'm on to his sneaky tactics (mints, mouthwash, vodka instead of beer, etc)... I have told him that I am concerned about his health and life. That in drinking and driving he risks killing someone else or himself, risks losing his career, risks losing his kids (he's going through a divorce and wants to share custody of his children). He has a lot on his plate and seeks to alleviate his stress with booze. He can't seem to NOT drink. But I have 2 kids of my own and I am raising them to be strong, responsible individuals - and my partner's behavior goes against EVERYTHING i have been teaching my kids. I dread having to explain to them why my sweetie is sitting in the drunk tank or got his license taken away - or worse. I have already told myself that the first time will be the last and if it ever progresses to that point I will walk out of his life.
I am hoping that we can turn things around so it never gets to that point. My purpose in posting here is to get some guidance in what to do. I've held back a bit because I don't want to alienate him, or make him hide his behavior any more than he already is. From everything that I've read I know i can't control his drinking, that only he can do that if and when he recognizes that he has a problem. I love him and want to be with him, he's a fantastic guy. Works really hard, has many of the same interests, is great about the house, loves me and my kids, loves my dumb dog even, is considerate of me and my needs, is engaged in all our kids' lives,... blah blah blah i could go on and on.
But he drinks. And i'm finding myself dreading the state he'll come home in, not trusting him when he says he won't have "a cocktail" before he comes home.... i hate that feeling. I need to be able to have complete faith in him... this is no basis for a lifelong relationship right? Ugh. Somedays it seems as if the alcohol is just seeping out of his pores... like he's never truly sober, that the alcohol is just a permanent part of his body. I can smell it, taste it, see it on him. And that makes me so so sad.
I've considered doing a host of things... talking to his friends and family, doing an intervention (not that i know how to do one), telling him if he drives home drunk again that i will report him, setting up counseling for us both, joining an AA group (with or without him), not keeping any booze in the house and not drinking myself around him, going to his work and just taking all the booze away (but what's the point, he'd just replenish the supply right?) etc etc. I haven't made any threats or given any ultimatums simply because I haven't figured out yet what I can live up to. I know that if i make a threat/promise i have to keep it - if i tell him i'm going to walk in a given situation i'll have to hold myself to it.
I don't want to walk away from him. (It sucks that I'm even thinking about it.) We're just starting a life together and I'm really excited at the possibilities. But this is a worry. And the potential effect this may have on my kids is a big concern. I've read all about alcoholism being a progressive disease and that scares the hell out of me. I know I'm not willing to hide this from the world or enable him or protect him. I have zero tolerance for drinking and driving, and i have articulated that... but how do i back that up? WHat do i do when it happens? I can't just be furious and steam privately or let loose on him the day after... that accomplishes nothing. There has to be a consequence no? But what is that? I don't want to embarrass him in front of his friends or colleagues... or is that the wrong approach? Is that actually something that would be useful?
I know he needs to recognize he has a problem before anything can happen... how can we get to that point? What, if anything, can I do to facilitate that? What in my naivete should I absolutely not do... and what can i do? How do I make sure that I don't inadvertently enable him? Sigh. I'm sure I don't even know half of what I don't know or what to ask.
What would you recommend as first steps? Co-counseling? An AA meeting?
Thank you so much for your time.
I just moved in with a wonderful man, but am only just realizing the full extent of his drinking now. (We've been together about 1 1/2 years.) His liquor of choice seems to be vodka, although i get the "one or two beers" line like many others have talked about in these posts.
He works two jobs. At one he is completely straight, he has to be. At the other he keeps a bottle of vodka in the freezer and beer in the fridge. He'll get tanked at the end of the day (it amazes me that this can happen in a matter of minutes it seems!) and drive home. A friend of his alluded to him having done this for years and that "he's good at it" and knows all the local cops - hence he has a safety net of sorts. He'll be glassy eyed and unable to hold a proper conversation with me, much less take part in any activities etc that require control. I'm sure you all get the picture. He is not abusive, does not yell or get violent.. he's just on another plane...
I have bitten my tongue when he is impaired.. i know that any attempt to talk about it when he is under the influence is futile. I have talked to him about it a little when he's sober, but beyond telling him my concerns I'm not sure what to say. I haven't told him I'm on to his sneaky tactics (mints, mouthwash, vodka instead of beer, etc)... I have told him that I am concerned about his health and life. That in drinking and driving he risks killing someone else or himself, risks losing his career, risks losing his kids (he's going through a divorce and wants to share custody of his children). He has a lot on his plate and seeks to alleviate his stress with booze. He can't seem to NOT drink. But I have 2 kids of my own and I am raising them to be strong, responsible individuals - and my partner's behavior goes against EVERYTHING i have been teaching my kids. I dread having to explain to them why my sweetie is sitting in the drunk tank or got his license taken away - or worse. I have already told myself that the first time will be the last and if it ever progresses to that point I will walk out of his life.
I am hoping that we can turn things around so it never gets to that point. My purpose in posting here is to get some guidance in what to do. I've held back a bit because I don't want to alienate him, or make him hide his behavior any more than he already is. From everything that I've read I know i can't control his drinking, that only he can do that if and when he recognizes that he has a problem. I love him and want to be with him, he's a fantastic guy. Works really hard, has many of the same interests, is great about the house, loves me and my kids, loves my dumb dog even, is considerate of me and my needs, is engaged in all our kids' lives,... blah blah blah i could go on and on.
But he drinks. And i'm finding myself dreading the state he'll come home in, not trusting him when he says he won't have "a cocktail" before he comes home.... i hate that feeling. I need to be able to have complete faith in him... this is no basis for a lifelong relationship right? Ugh. Somedays it seems as if the alcohol is just seeping out of his pores... like he's never truly sober, that the alcohol is just a permanent part of his body. I can smell it, taste it, see it on him. And that makes me so so sad.
I've considered doing a host of things... talking to his friends and family, doing an intervention (not that i know how to do one), telling him if he drives home drunk again that i will report him, setting up counseling for us both, joining an AA group (with or without him), not keeping any booze in the house and not drinking myself around him, going to his work and just taking all the booze away (but what's the point, he'd just replenish the supply right?) etc etc. I haven't made any threats or given any ultimatums simply because I haven't figured out yet what I can live up to. I know that if i make a threat/promise i have to keep it - if i tell him i'm going to walk in a given situation i'll have to hold myself to it.
I don't want to walk away from him. (It sucks that I'm even thinking about it.) We're just starting a life together and I'm really excited at the possibilities. But this is a worry. And the potential effect this may have on my kids is a big concern. I've read all about alcoholism being a progressive disease and that scares the hell out of me. I know I'm not willing to hide this from the world or enable him or protect him. I have zero tolerance for drinking and driving, and i have articulated that... but how do i back that up? WHat do i do when it happens? I can't just be furious and steam privately or let loose on him the day after... that accomplishes nothing. There has to be a consequence no? But what is that? I don't want to embarrass him in front of his friends or colleagues... or is that the wrong approach? Is that actually something that would be useful?
I know he needs to recognize he has a problem before anything can happen... how can we get to that point? What, if anything, can I do to facilitate that? What in my naivete should I absolutely not do... and what can i do? How do I make sure that I don't inadvertently enable him? Sigh. I'm sure I don't even know half of what I don't know or what to ask.
What would you recommend as first steps? Co-counseling? An AA meeting?
Thank you so much for your time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
There's a book but I need to belt off and get the reference!! You need to look after you but it sounds as though you already know that! I sought out counselling for me, used SR and spoke to friends - I needed all 3 with what was happening.
There's no way we can MAKE someone stop drinking but we can have some influence, we can deal with things in a way that will help, and we can make it easier if someone wants to stop. I think loved ones can also play a role in people knowing they have a problem too.
The book I'll hunt down for you is about CRAFT - community reinforcement approach and Family therapy. It has a positive impact on outcome reported through research (I can pass on more info if you want it) and it IS an OPTION for those of us who genuinely want to help.
There's no way we can MAKE someone stop drinking but we can have some influence, we can deal with things in a way that will help, and we can make it easier if someone wants to stop. I think loved ones can also play a role in people knowing they have a problem too.
The book I'll hunt down for you is about CRAFT - community reinforcement approach and Family therapy. It has a positive impact on outcome reported through research (I can pass on more info if you want it) and it IS an OPTION for those of us who genuinely want to help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. (Paperback)
by Ph. D., Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D., Brenda L. Wolfe "If you live with or love someone who drinks or drugs too much, this book can help you..."
Amazon's review of the book:
Amazon link (though I never have much luck with these!!)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/159...lance&n=283155
Oh and Hi!! Me being a twit forgot to say hello and welcome!!
errrrr and you might like this - it's a report from the NIAAA about the CRAFT technique:
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...-2/116-121.pdf
by Ph. D., Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D., Brenda L. Wolfe "If you live with or love someone who drinks or drugs too much, this book can help you..."
Amazon's review of the book:
Editorial Reviews
Book Description
Here is a book for those who have "tried everything" to get their loved ones sober--from scolding and nagging, to begging and bribing, and even detaching--all to no avail. Using this compassionate yet effective approach, spouses, lovers, parents, or children of problem drinkers or drug users can improve the quality of their own lives while making sobriety a more rewarding option for their loved ones than drinking or taking drugs. Based on the scientifically validated CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) model. "Get Your Loved One Sober" provides the guidance and tools you need to recognize how you and your loved one interact and to change those patterns to achieve healtier, happier results.
About the Author
Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D. a research associate professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico and associate director of the Lifelink Training Institute in Santa Fe, created the scientifically validated CRAFT model. Brenda L. Wolfe, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of substance abuse, eating disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Book Description
Here is a book for those who have "tried everything" to get their loved ones sober--from scolding and nagging, to begging and bribing, and even detaching--all to no avail. Using this compassionate yet effective approach, spouses, lovers, parents, or children of problem drinkers or drug users can improve the quality of their own lives while making sobriety a more rewarding option for their loved ones than drinking or taking drugs. Based on the scientifically validated CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) model. "Get Your Loved One Sober" provides the guidance and tools you need to recognize how you and your loved one interact and to change those patterns to achieve healtier, happier results.
About the Author
Robert J. Meyers, Ph.D. a research associate professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico and associate director of the Lifelink Training Institute in Santa Fe, created the scientifically validated CRAFT model. Brenda L. Wolfe, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of substance abuse, eating disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/159...lance&n=283155
Oh and Hi!! Me being a twit forgot to say hello and welcome!!
errrrr and you might like this - it's a report from the NIAAA about the CRAFT technique:
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...-2/116-121.pdf
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Oh boy, could I have written that post or what!
I remember thinking to myself... hmmm, do I want to risk exposing my children to an alcoholic stepmother? We lived together before we were married and I convinced myself the risk was manageable because I could surely fix her. Fast forward several years and guess what? I was wrong.
Welcome to SR nesh. Pull up a chair and stick around. Reading the sticky posts at the top of the F&F forum and Nar Anon forum would be a good place to start.
I remember thinking to myself... hmmm, do I want to risk exposing my children to an alcoholic stepmother? We lived together before we were married and I convinced myself the risk was manageable because I could surely fix her. Fast forward several years and guess what? I was wrong.
Welcome to SR nesh. Pull up a chair and stick around. Reading the sticky posts at the top of the F&F forum and Nar Anon forum would be a good place to start.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, nesh
What worked for me: Al-anon, individual therapy, our doctor and SR.
You say you've thought of talking to his family - how about his soon to be ex-wife? From what you describe - that he has been doing this for years - it's probable this contributed greatly to the breakdown of the marriage. I'm speaking as the 15-year wife of an alcoholic who is getting divorced.
I think you're right to not want to expose your children to life with an alcoholic.
This is an excuse - he drinks because he is addicted to alcohol.
I'm in a blunt kind of mood today - he's been drinking for years; drives drunks (knows all the cops); drinks at work; is losing his home and family (possibility of no custody) and doesn't see he has a problem? My fear for you is that you are picking up right where his wife left off - trying to get him to stop. He is not even divorced yet and he has found someone, with kids, to slot into the family he is losing.
I know how hard it is to love someone and come to the realization they are killing themselves with alcohol. Having gone through it myself, I can say I will never enter into another relationship with someone I have to help fix before we even get started.
Take care of yourself, you sound like a terrific lady.
What worked for me: Al-anon, individual therapy, our doctor and SR.
You say you've thought of talking to his family - how about his soon to be ex-wife? From what you describe - that he has been doing this for years - it's probable this contributed greatly to the breakdown of the marriage. I'm speaking as the 15-year wife of an alcoholic who is getting divorced.
I think you're right to not want to expose your children to life with an alcoholic.
He has a lot on his plate and seeks to alleviate his stress with booze. He can't seem to NOT drink.
I'm in a blunt kind of mood today - he's been drinking for years; drives drunks (knows all the cops); drinks at work; is losing his home and family (possibility of no custody) and doesn't see he has a problem? My fear for you is that you are picking up right where his wife left off - trying to get him to stop. He is not even divorced yet and he has found someone, with kids, to slot into the family he is losing.
I know how hard it is to love someone and come to the realization they are killing themselves with alcohol. Having gone through it myself, I can say I will never enter into another relationship with someone I have to help fix before we even get started.
Take care of yourself, you sound like a terrific lady.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: vermont
Posts: 5
Thanks for your thoughts.. and blunt is fine by me! I hate word games and lilywrapping or whatever the term is.HA!
I think you have a good point about the breakdown of his marriage... only there's more to that story that I didn't expound. He has been separated from his wife for about 7 years now... just hasn't gone through with the divorce mostly because he's been afraid of getting totally screwed by the legal system.. he's seen some of his pals go through major hell and he's afraid. Plus he hasn't cared enough about anyone else to actually get the divorce going.. until me. And he's the one pushing it forward. So he's not losing his home and family - by all accounts the marriage was ill-advised from the start. yeah, i know that sounds suspicious, but that's info i gleaned from multiple sources, not just him, so i trust that. Still, I am sure booze had a part to play in it. I think there might even be a family history, but I can't be sure. This is my very first experience with the issue and I'm feeling my way through the maze.
If the separation wasn't so contentious, and huge issues at stake, i would talk to his ex. But if I do that I risk giving her more ammunition against him - so any conversation between us will take place after he's clear of her.
I'm still trying to figure out who among his friends and family and coworkers i can trust.. but i did just find where my local al-anon meetings are so i've got that on my schedule for next week as a start
I should have probably not gotten so involved with him. But dang it i love the guy. ANd his kids. And he absolutely adores me and is SOOOO good to me. He loves my strength and intelligence and independence. He is smart, funny and playful, dependable, considerate and loves doing the things I do. This is his sixth toe, as my mother puts it. We all have one (haven't found mine yet, but i must have one flaw somewhere right? heh heh). And i've gone and made a commitment at least for the moment.. so i need to see that through. Plus i can't just turn my back and just cut someone out of my life. (Well, that's not exactly true, i did that to my ex-husband but he was an abusive son-of-a-gun so that's ok.)
Sigh. Time will tell. Fear not, I am strong and me and my kids come first. THat's what got me out of a bad marriage, and that's what will propel me through this, whatever the outcome may ultimately be.
Thanks for listening to my blather!
I think you have a good point about the breakdown of his marriage... only there's more to that story that I didn't expound. He has been separated from his wife for about 7 years now... just hasn't gone through with the divorce mostly because he's been afraid of getting totally screwed by the legal system.. he's seen some of his pals go through major hell and he's afraid. Plus he hasn't cared enough about anyone else to actually get the divorce going.. until me. And he's the one pushing it forward. So he's not losing his home and family - by all accounts the marriage was ill-advised from the start. yeah, i know that sounds suspicious, but that's info i gleaned from multiple sources, not just him, so i trust that. Still, I am sure booze had a part to play in it. I think there might even be a family history, but I can't be sure. This is my very first experience with the issue and I'm feeling my way through the maze.
If the separation wasn't so contentious, and huge issues at stake, i would talk to his ex. But if I do that I risk giving her more ammunition against him - so any conversation between us will take place after he's clear of her.
I'm still trying to figure out who among his friends and family and coworkers i can trust.. but i did just find where my local al-anon meetings are so i've got that on my schedule for next week as a start
I should have probably not gotten so involved with him. But dang it i love the guy. ANd his kids. And he absolutely adores me and is SOOOO good to me. He loves my strength and intelligence and independence. He is smart, funny and playful, dependable, considerate and loves doing the things I do. This is his sixth toe, as my mother puts it. We all have one (haven't found mine yet, but i must have one flaw somewhere right? heh heh). And i've gone and made a commitment at least for the moment.. so i need to see that through. Plus i can't just turn my back and just cut someone out of my life. (Well, that's not exactly true, i did that to my ex-husband but he was an abusive son-of-a-gun so that's ok.)
Sigh. Time will tell. Fear not, I am strong and me and my kids come first. THat's what got me out of a bad marriage, and that's what will propel me through this, whatever the outcome may ultimately be.
Thanks for listening to my blather!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by nesh
This is his sixth toe, as my mother puts it. We all have one (haven't found mine yet, but i must have one flaw somewhere right? heh heh).
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Sorry, no ouch intended. I am at a stage of self examination right now. When I first came here, I was just as sure that I didn't have any problems as I was that my husband did! I've been in therapy for several months and I'm beginning to see why I made the choices I did, and more importantly, how to make better ones in the future.
Al-anon is a great start.
Best wishes to you.
L
Al-anon is a great start.
Best wishes to you.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by nesh
Sigh. Time will tell. Fear not, I am strong and me and my kids come first.
I think it's great you are seeking answers now, not later. I recommend Al-anon because it opened my eyes to my role in the situation and also brought me in contact with others who shared their lives with alcoholics. I would suggest again that you work on you, not look for solutions for him.
Look forward to getting to know you here on SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: vermont
Posts: 5
Thanks! me too! I'm thrilled i found this forum and you all
Ok, you pose an interesting concept, in saying i should work on myself. Forgive my ignorance here... but what exactly do I need to work on? The issue is his addiction is it not? (I must sound like such a newbie!) I guess i feel like I have just gone through a WHOLE crapload of self-evaluation and development in my own recent (4years) divorce (which is actually ongoing since i still have to have contact with him because of the kids). Is wanting to help my partner a bad thing? Is thinking that we can beat this addiction and have a great life together totally naive of me? I love this man and want a future with him... I can't believe that's a futile goal. I can't not be positive... that goes against my nature for one, but how can i give up faith in him? Am i destined for disappointment and self-loathing too? I have to believe we can succeed. Maybe that's rosy-colored glasses. Maybe I have some deep-rooted martyr-nurturing-mother issues. Who knows. Yes I want to help him. BUt I'm also pretty selfish and want the great life for myself that I have tasted with this fella in his sober state (which is actually a higher-percentage than his impaired state - for the moment anyway). I know it's there...
And on a practical level, what can be done to make him see that he can't drive when impaired? Anything? Can he be convinced that no, he's not fine?For me, that right now is the biggest obstacle. I would hate for someone to get hurt because of that. But i feel like this is a landmine just waiting to go off.
I think i'm on information overload. Plus I'm not getting any work done (working at home has its benefits but its dangers too). I'll keep mulling and listening and go to that meeting.
Thanks again. Who knew that words from a stranger could mean so much?
Ok, you pose an interesting concept, in saying i should work on myself. Forgive my ignorance here... but what exactly do I need to work on? The issue is his addiction is it not? (I must sound like such a newbie!) I guess i feel like I have just gone through a WHOLE crapload of self-evaluation and development in my own recent (4years) divorce (which is actually ongoing since i still have to have contact with him because of the kids). Is wanting to help my partner a bad thing? Is thinking that we can beat this addiction and have a great life together totally naive of me? I love this man and want a future with him... I can't believe that's a futile goal. I can't not be positive... that goes against my nature for one, but how can i give up faith in him? Am i destined for disappointment and self-loathing too? I have to believe we can succeed. Maybe that's rosy-colored glasses. Maybe I have some deep-rooted martyr-nurturing-mother issues. Who knows. Yes I want to help him. BUt I'm also pretty selfish and want the great life for myself that I have tasted with this fella in his sober state (which is actually a higher-percentage than his impaired state - for the moment anyway). I know it's there...
And on a practical level, what can be done to make him see that he can't drive when impaired? Anything? Can he be convinced that no, he's not fine?For me, that right now is the biggest obstacle. I would hate for someone to get hurt because of that. But i feel like this is a landmine just waiting to go off.
I think i'm on information overload. Plus I'm not getting any work done (working at home has its benefits but its dangers too). I'll keep mulling and listening and go to that meeting.
Thanks again. Who knew that words from a stranger could mean so much?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
We're just starting a life together and I'm really excited at the possibilities.
You are excited about the possibilities of a life with an alcoholic? WOW .... I can't seem to wrap my head around that statement, even a little bit.
And on a practical level, what can be done to make him see that he can't drive when impaired? Anything? Can he be convinced that no, he's not fine?
I've considered doing a host of things... talking to his friends and family, doing an intervention (not that i know how to do one), telling him if he drives home drunk again that i will report him, setting up counseling for us both, joining an AA group (with or without him), not keeping any booze in the house and not drinking myself around him, going to his work and just taking all the booze away
Your situation is scary to me and my gut feeling is it will go downhill quickly.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It may not make sense right away, but not only is working on yourself a good way to help him. It is the ONLY way you can help him. There are many different ways to do this. The CRAFT approach that Equus posted, Al-anon, counseling, and many, many more.
It all comes down to setting boundaries and defining what is acceptable behavior to you. Then living by those.
As far as the drinking and driving goes, there have been many debates on this board as to whether to call the police or not. It's a tough decision, but once again, you have to look inside yourself and determine what motivates you. Will you do it as a way to try and control him? Or will you do it for the safety of the public in general?
Keep reading. I know how the information overload feels. You don't have to make any decision until you are ready.
L
It all comes down to setting boundaries and defining what is acceptable behavior to you. Then living by those.
As far as the drinking and driving goes, there have been many debates on this board as to whether to call the police or not. It's a tough decision, but once again, you have to look inside yourself and determine what motivates you. Will you do it as a way to try and control him? Or will you do it for the safety of the public in general?
Keep reading. I know how the information overload feels. You don't have to make any decision until you are ready.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hi Nesh glad you found us....
Your story is a lot like me....
My fiancee was like yours a non violent, non abusive drunk.
His choice was also vodka and beer as a back up just to appear
sociable, He kept a bottle of vodka at work (he worked for the
government) to help get him through the day. He drank everyday,
and all day long on the weekends. He was supportive of me and my
2 teenage sons. I thought I could handle it.....
When I met him I thought he was just a fun party guy....later I thought
I could change him...and moreso he thought I could change him.
He once told me he looked to me as his salvation, his saviour....
After a year and a half of living with him and his non stop drinking
I made the choice to end the relationship. He lost everything prior
to our breakup, his auto, his job, friends and then in the end me.
The last time I spoke to him 3.5 months ago he was still drinking.
He told me he wasn't but he was drunk when he called me, funny how
stupid they think we are...more to the point how in denial they are.
Two years before our relationship ended I found this site which has
been a blessing. Six months later I began going to a counselor and
Alanon. These things I did for myself, giving me the knowledge and
self respect to end a relationship that was on the downword spiral.
I am not sorry for any of it. I am a better person having lived in
the situation and happier that I have found a solution.
Your story is a lot like me....
My fiancee was like yours a non violent, non abusive drunk.
His choice was also vodka and beer as a back up just to appear
sociable, He kept a bottle of vodka at work (he worked for the
government) to help get him through the day. He drank everyday,
and all day long on the weekends. He was supportive of me and my
2 teenage sons. I thought I could handle it.....
When I met him I thought he was just a fun party guy....later I thought
I could change him...and moreso he thought I could change him.
He once told me he looked to me as his salvation, his saviour....
After a year and a half of living with him and his non stop drinking
I made the choice to end the relationship. He lost everything prior
to our breakup, his auto, his job, friends and then in the end me.
The last time I spoke to him 3.5 months ago he was still drinking.
He told me he wasn't but he was drunk when he called me, funny how
stupid they think we are...more to the point how in denial they are.
Two years before our relationship ended I found this site which has
been a blessing. Six months later I began going to a counselor and
Alanon. These things I did for myself, giving me the knowledge and
self respect to end a relationship that was on the downword spiral.
I am not sorry for any of it. I am a better person having lived in
the situation and happier that I have found a solution.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
HinNesh as someone going through almost the same thing with my SO. Like you I knew the about the drinking from the start of our relationship. But,some how you tend to over look those thing or dont see the real picture. It has taken me a long time to see that she really has a problem and that its not me in any way. They drink because they HAVE TOO. Tringto get them to help themself is a uphil battle. That,will wear and your relationship. Im living proff of it. I have I talked to SO family members and like you it has been a problem for a long time. Way before me. It seems that the family just looked the other way and really never spoke of how bad it is. I think the group has a word for these people/us. Anyway,I have gone so far as to talk to professional interventionists But,have gone through with it. Yet?? or not. But,what works for me is this group and I found a therapist. This group and the therapist can give you the tools to help deal with this disease. As,you read the posts and thread you'll see that all of our situations are the same but different??? Good luck and welcome
Dan
Dan
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
My ex was a maintenance drinker too. Carefully maintaining a constant blood alcohol content and attempt to balance that with working, kids, responsibilities, etc.. But the disease is progressive and all though she thought she was in control, two totaled vehicles and DUI later, she would still drink and drive.
Every wonder why there are so many DUI repeat offenders? Logic would dictate if I do this, bad things happen. Addiction defies logic.
Getting an education on addiction would be wise at this point in time. And it does take time, no quick fixes here.
Check out this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Every wonder why there are so many DUI repeat offenders? Logic would dictate if I do this, bad things happen. Addiction defies logic.
Getting an education on addiction would be wise at this point in time. And it does take time, no quick fixes here.
Check out this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome, nesh.
What can I say that hasn't been said already? Red Flags are flying everywhere over your posts, hon, but I won't load you up even more by pulling them out. I think the others have made a pretty good job with most of them.
Ok, I'll look at the drink driving thing. Personally, I'd phone the police if I knew he was out on the road at that precise time. I could not live with it on my conscience if innocents got killed and I knew it was happening. But that's just me and others have different views. I haven't done it, I wish I had and I would do it in the future. Having zero-tolerance in your head about the issue and having no consequences is simply empty words.
Funny how you say you are surprised how quickly he gets drunk. Has it ever occurred to you that he may already have been drinking before he gets home?
You have stong opinions about how you want your kids raised and good for you. I do find it strange that you are prepared to compromise that by making plans to expose your kids to this behaviour without any admission from him that he even has a problem, let alone going through the tough process of dealing with it.
The issue isn't his addiction, actually. He is choosing to live this way and you actually have no right to stop him doing so. You may wish that he did something about it, we all have, however it really is down to him. You can learn about enabling and detachment at al-anon meetings or by reading through the stickies on here and the nar-anon board. The links Equus gave are good ones and I believe focus on positive reward for behaviour you like and negative consequences for those you don't - what we call boundaries.
I know this all seems like a lot to take in, so take your time. Looking forward to getting to know you.
What can I say that hasn't been said already? Red Flags are flying everywhere over your posts, hon, but I won't load you up even more by pulling them out. I think the others have made a pretty good job with most of them.
Ok, I'll look at the drink driving thing. Personally, I'd phone the police if I knew he was out on the road at that precise time. I could not live with it on my conscience if innocents got killed and I knew it was happening. But that's just me and others have different views. I haven't done it, I wish I had and I would do it in the future. Having zero-tolerance in your head about the issue and having no consequences is simply empty words.
Funny how you say you are surprised how quickly he gets drunk. Has it ever occurred to you that he may already have been drinking before he gets home?
You have stong opinions about how you want your kids raised and good for you. I do find it strange that you are prepared to compromise that by making plans to expose your kids to this behaviour without any admission from him that he even has a problem, let alone going through the tough process of dealing with it.
The issue isn't his addiction, actually. He is choosing to live this way and you actually have no right to stop him doing so. You may wish that he did something about it, we all have, however it really is down to him. You can learn about enabling and detachment at al-anon meetings or by reading through the stickies on here and the nar-anon board. The links Equus gave are good ones and I believe focus on positive reward for behaviour you like and negative consequences for those you don't - what we call boundaries.
I know this all seems like a lot to take in, so take your time. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome Nesh, I am sure you are overwhelmed with your situation with your lover and also with all that you are reading here. It doesn't make any sense to work on yourself when you are not the one with the drinking problem,but if you stay around for awhile, attend ala non you'll understand why working on you will help your situation. It takes a while to understand it all, just give yourself that time and learn as much as you can for you.
This is how my friend handled her husband driving drunk. She borrowed her sisters car, waited outside the bar he was in and when he got in his car and started to drive, she called the police with his license plate number and the street they were on to report a car all over the run, possible drunk. The police found the car, followed it for a bit then pulled him over. He was arrested for DUI, fined, lost lost his license (except to/from work) and asked to attend AA. He's been sober now for 4 years.
This is how my friend handled her husband driving drunk. She borrowed her sisters car, waited outside the bar he was in and when he got in his car and started to drive, she called the police with his license plate number and the street they were on to report a car all over the run, possible drunk. The police found the car, followed it for a bit then pulled him over. He was arrested for DUI, fined, lost lost his license (except to/from work) and asked to attend AA. He's been sober now for 4 years.
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