So much confusion & hurt

Old 01-09-2019, 07:07 PM
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Post So much confusion & hurt

I needed to get others opinions on this.
Ill try to make it quick. My husband of 10 years. W/ 3 kids was an active alcoholic one point i had enough and refused to enable ( I had already tried reaching out to his mother about talking to him about treatment. Since she doesnt and blamed for his drinking. No reason to this but he liked to blame me.for why he drank while actively using ( the dishes werent done. She didn't mop. ) She never even responded to the suggestion) ffw i decided to take it upon myself for ny children myself and in hopes he would get sober, asked him to leave our home. Ill try to make this quick but at that point his mother made it difficult for us to even see him while he stayed with her. * I want to add that i am not an addict and never have been nor did i give him alcohol. Moving forward...he began to try to remain sober on his own at this point he and i were great..he relapsed and got a felony dwi . i stood by him during the time he was on bail. We lost our home and downsized severly. It was that or a tiny very small rv for the kids and this time i was pregnant with our 3rd. One day his mother whom helped with his lawyer fees with her son & herself asked the kids & i to leave in the middle of the night. We were not allowed over..l fast forward i was really hurt and he even missed the birth of our 3rd. Time passes...
Hes going to prison before he does he asked that i wait for him so that he could make it up to the kids & i.. Show me a better him and be a family. I did just that for about a year of him gone. It was difficult none the less. Small place. Lonely. New baby. I went back to school. Two other children. I still saw him in jail multiple times and long trips. We were always good i onky asked that (due to alot of things ) He stand beside me with his family and not make me feel alone ( they have always gotten between us and caused problems) he said ok
Missed me loved me. The works. Due to where i live and it already crowded i said ok to him staying at his mothers. I wanted to be the one to pick him.up when he came home. His family did but it took the 4th day when i finally got upset to even see him. The only time after that was about 4 weeks later. He would take the kids a few times for me but never really showed as much interest as thought in spending time with me. Time goes on and i increasingly become frustrated. My birthday came around the corner and he missed that with well celebrate later on. (By later he must have meant next year) i just wanted to curl up with him nothing big. Watch a movie. He then took our kids one weekend and ended up doing a small birthday party with his family for our youngests 1st birthday. Well i told him thats fine but i really want us together to celebrate it too. Its special. He never showed. Then time passes...i become increasingly frustrated i started to get mad because he would come up with every excuse not to spend time.( i should add his family in the past has not wanted me at their events. This was something he & i talked about that needed to be different also) but i atleast wanted him for my families thanksgiving.... Well he took our kids to his with his mother and didnt go to mine though i asked him too. Again no alcohol. My family is really sweet and supportive (we also didnt have halloween) time passes. More frustration. I start to get angry.... I mean i stuck by this man in recovery and when he was incarcerated. I got mad and said alot of things. He told me his family doesnt have to deal with me if they dont want to.More time passes more hurt. Everything snowballs more where im repeatedly telling him i dont feel important. This isn't what we talked about. I havent spent time with you in 3 months. Am i single now ? Are we nothing? What is going on?
He gets mad at me.....time passes.... It gets to christmas eve (every year his family does a party) i had presents to wrap for my kids so i didnt even press me going. Well to treat the kids for christmas got a hotel with an indoor pool. Invited him to spend christmas with us as a family.
He pulled away from me and just shook his head no. He then later texts that we cant be together. He also told my sister the same when she inquired.I got mad really mad. Really hurt I text his mother. I was not nice. I text him. I was not nice. It wasnt until i mentioned me moving forward and being done etc that he started being sweet then shutdown again. This happened again...a little progress and then shutdown and then again said it is not about you and i anymore. Were done. Just about the kids.

Ive been so upset ive said alot of things but i feel like 2 days in 4 1/2 months would upset anyone and i always still made an effort and only blew up each time he kept putting off seeing me or didnt do the holidays with us etc and then for him not to understand that and say he cant be with me? He was sober in jail..he kmew that stuff would hurt me. What changed?.

He is sober and he is in AA and he has repeatedly told me that sobriety comes first which means he can spend time with the kids and his family but not me...?

So is this a sober thing or is this because of something else...? Opinion? Experiences?

Im lost and im really hurt. I would understand if i was an addict as well or enable or drink alot but i drink maybe 4x a year and would not infront of him anyways....

My friends and family have their own thoughts.
That he used me to wait on him or hes seeing someone else...i felt it was his family because he has always been weird and exclusive and elite with them in the past before when he stayed with them....
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Seren (01-11-2019)
Old 01-10-2019, 08:51 AM
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Dear Lizda,
You have found a good place and are smart to come here. This disease is baffling, even in recovery.
You posted on the forum that is for parents, children and siblings of alcoholics...not too many folks on here. Take a look at the Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum, where you will find many significant others of alcoholics dealing with the same things you describe.
The most important thing I've learned is to take care of myself, no matter what.
Wishing you peace, for you and your children, no matter what.
You have come to the right place to gather the tools to find that peace.
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Seren (01-11-2019)
Old 01-11-2019, 02:13 AM
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Hello Lizda, and Welcome!

You have been through so much! Unfortunately, your story is not at all new to our members. You've found a great place for support!!

I wish I could tell you some way in which you could make this man be who you want him to be...but that's just not possible. We can't change anyone, and unless and until he decides to stop drinking and be a responsible partner and father, there is nothing anyone will be able to do. Sadly, many active addicts and those in early recovery are immature and self-absorbed. In early recovery, it is often a life-and-death struggle with the addiction. He may not ever be the partner you hope he will be...

You, however, very much deserve joy and a peaceful life for you and your child I can recommend you introduce yourself in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. You will get much-needed support and a warm welcome!
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seekingcalm (01-12-2019)
Old 01-11-2019, 03:11 AM
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As someone who got sober through AA I can only say this: your husbands behavior is not what I would call sober. He may not have had a drink in months, but the manipulation, lying, and dodging his responsibilities are the actions of an active drinker. In AA we speak of 'emotional sobriety' - it takes more than just putting the plug in the jug to recover. I am sorry to say that your husband has a long way to go.

I will defer to others with Al Anon experience to offer more specific feedback to you.

Wishing you and your children a safe and happy new year.
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Old 01-11-2019, 03:31 AM
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Lizda, you seem a very capable woman considering all that you have coped with while he was in jail and staying at his mothers. I wonder why you're persisting with him? He's already given you every indication that your marriage is over.
He doesn't want to spend time with you.
He misses any family event that includes you.
You are bending over backwards to run after him and he is running away as fast as he can.
He is siding with him family against you.
He's texted you that you can't be together.

What else does he have to do for you to get the message? I know this is abrupt and confronting, and I apologise, but you are so much better than this! You've done amazing things with tiny resources.

It's time to start concentrating on your own life, which could be so much better. Leave him to it, and make your own story. I know it will be hard, but much easier that pouring affection on someone who doesn't reciprocate.
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seekingcalm (01-12-2019)
Old 01-11-2019, 08:24 AM
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One of the things I discovered was that when I felt very confused it was because I was not living in reality because there really isnít anything confusing about reality itís just we donít want to accept it.

He seems to have a different agenda altogether then you do. Heís stated he no longer wants to be together and his actions are backing up those words.
We canít hold onto someone who doesnít want to be held.

I am sorry that this is not the outcome you wished or hoped for.
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