handn305

This is deep..and so true. This is my first time visiting the site. I have been living with an addict for five years. And yes...I can truly see myself in this message. Last week after and episode of alcohol and drugs my husband admitted to me that he loves getting high. He does it.... because he truly loves it. This is what he said to me. It was the first time in five years that I realized that he did love his addition more then me...

Lily77

Thank you for all the good reading and thought material. I lived with an alcoholic for 1 1/2 years. Moved out, he started councelling and now in week three of a rehab program. I have supported him but knew it was impossible living with the lies and horrible behaviour. This past weekend was his first week end out of the facility. Now he is a day patient for another three weeks. I am trying to trust him but deep down don't. Will this pass ? I love him very much but don't want to live on the edge of my seat for ever.
Any thoughts or advise?

Thank you, Lily

Bacchus4478

Hello,
I've been reading about addicts, friends of addicts, families of addicts, etc...I live with a coke addict. I knew he dabbled when we met, I'd never touched the stuff. He introduced it to me, young and stupid I tried it. We've been together three years. I would do it every once in awhile, then a lot. But finally I just got sick of it, sick of wasting money, sick of being depressed after, just sick of it. I tried to tell him we should just never do it again. He won't make that commitment.

I've removed myself from any temptation, and have no desire to do it. He on the other hand has become excessive. A) he can't drink without ending up wanting to do it and B) when he does it he just drinks more and does it til it's gone C) he wants to buy more at times after it's gone, etc... All the signs. I won't hang around him when I know he's going to be drinking, hello, can we say this relationship is unhealthy? He doesn't think so.

Anyway, I went to Ca-Anon and it really doesn't help. I'm not in denial, I know I can't force him to do anything, I quit worrying about him and started worrying about me, I'm not tormenting myself with guilt anymore. This is all terrific, but now I need an action plan. I can't stand idly by when his actions affect my life.

Now, here's the problem. He thinks he has no problem, I don't want to be around it at all because I don't want to relapse myself. We live together, I own a house, his paychecks are directly deposited into my account, I handle all the finances - any drugs he gets I don't fund. However, if we're to move forward as a couple I don't want it in our lives. Since he thinks it doesn't interfere with anything he doesn't think he has a problem. He's done it at least four times in the past ten days, yes on work days too. He thinks as long as he makes it to work then I can't be angry.

However, I don't like finding baggies and straws in his desk drawer, I don't like finding credit cards with powder stuck to the edges, I don't like having a dirty secret from my friends and family. I never thought my life would become some after school special.

Anytime we try to talk about it, he would just say "you do it too" now I don't. Now he says, "I want to do it every once in awhile what's wrong with that" anyway he's in denial. I say I don't want to be together anymore, he says I'm overreacting and that I have anger issues. I'm in such a rut. I mean literally he won't leave, and when he's sober he's wonderful and I love him so much it's hard to force him to go. Plus he has no money to get an apartment, and I just know somehow I'd be sucked into funding that whole process as well which I can't afford. Every time I decide he is going to move out he says, can I stay here til I find a place, then things just slip back into routine and all is forgotten. I'm too tired to argue.

He wants us to go up to visit a friend over Christmas weekend, the friend is a great guy, doesn't really do coke unless we come around. My boyfriend has made this big weekend of it. I told him I didn't want to go because I didnt want to be tempted to do it, but that I wouldn't be angry if he went. He wants me to go, but I said only if there's no coke, he says I'm imposing my desire to quit on him, which would be true. I told him he's right, it's not fair so I'll just stay here. He says if it means that then he won't do it. I think to myself, yeah right, you just won't tell me you're doing it. I'm at a loss.

I've separated myself, and I'm in love with who he almost is, I can't help him if he doesn't want help, but I've grown tired of constantly feeling responsible for someone else. And I HAVE to be because his actions directly affect my well being monetarily, emotionally, everything. I feel like I've just kept on keeping on maintaining the status quo, pretending I'm not bothered, isolating myself so I won't be tempted to relapse, it's exhausting. Any advice from anyone, I'm drowning...

PrincessB

"I've separated myself, and I'm in love with who he almost is" - this is EXACTLY how I feel about someone 2yrs clean from coke.

It is so sad what addiction can do to a person. But, as you say - you cannot help him. He has to do that himself.

I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm kind of new to this and don't know if what I would say would help! One thing I can say though I don't know how relevant it is - don't ever let him make you feel bad about yourself - often it will be his illness speaking rather than him. He may be terminally unique but you are rational and sane - remember that at all times!

ghost

I just want to say that this is the first time that i think i have a grasp on what he is thinking. I started crying when i read this. It dawned on me that I have absolutely no power over this, but it leaves me wondering what now? Does that mean he really doesn't love me? That there is no hope, only if he does it? So where am i? Do I stay with him or do I leave? Will I ever knowor is this going to torture me for the rest of my life?

healinghands

i need help. my husband has relapsed after 2 yrs clean from cocaine. the lies and deception have eroded our trust. our bank account is now secure, but i owe lots on charges he made before i canceled his bank cards. my stomach hurts.

splendra

healinghands-
Welcome!!! Maybe you would like to read around on this forum and see what kind of info is here for you also you might want to start your own thread so that we can get to know you

amitiredenuff

I have read many of the posts made about this thread. I noticed I wasn't the only one who cried. I am struggling terribly with the process of just taking care of me and leaving my A to God. I have two girls - one 18 and a freshman in college and one 5 and in kindergarten. I realize that my 18 year old has to make her own choices about the relationship with her dad. I am certain that she is seeking to make the decision that is good for her, she is going to counseling and has a very strong relationship with God. My 5 year old is a different story. I spent so many years not in denial of his drug use so much as the effects on the family. I would intervene between my oldest daughter and her dad trying to tell her not to be angry and encouraging her to look at the fact that he was trying. Almost 13 years later, I don't want to do that with my 5 year old. I don't trust him to take her anywhere in an automobile. I don't want her alone with him and I don't trust anyone else to supervise visits. I don't want her to fall into his manipulation either. He is very sick and has been for a very long time. I am so sad that he is missing out on his life, let alone ours. We love him very much, but I and my oldest daughter no longer want to love him to death. That isn't a problem now because his mom will step in and take over that role. He has been gone since September when I asked him to leave. I became the "Attacker". In November he basically overdosed and was rushed to the ER. I was relieved he wasn't dead, but when I saw how loaded he was I was furious. I hate this disease and all that it represents. It is pain and misery, deception and lies, death and destruction. It is the thief that robs and steals from the addict and anyone who loves them joy, peace, happiness, contentedness, etc. Continuing to love him has brought me to my knees, doubled over, gasping for breath. He is addicted to pain meds - most recently Oxy. He is not now who I thought he really was. He has no chance to be a husband, father, a participant in life in his active addiction. I have done everything described to "SAVE" him and left myself out completely. Even led myself to a relapse 5 years ago because I didn't want to go on without him. How sickening to be so dependant. I am struggling through a major depression, seeing a counselor, making meetings, journaling, and constantly praying. It was suggested to me that I pray this week only for being relieved of the bondage of self and doing God's will (3rd step prayer). That has helped. I want so badly for him to rejoin life in recovery and one day our family, but that is not for me to know or act on. I must do what is right for me and the girls, but it is so hard some days. I know the thread was right on. He has no conscience, no heart, no memory, no soul today. It makes me very sad. I'm glad to know I am not alone and be reinforced that I am not crazy, because sometimes I feel I am. People on the outside of this disease really don't understand. Even though it has been proven over and over, he continues to function and I'm sure others believe that the path he is choosing is the best path for him and that he is capable of making those choices. Schizophrenia....I never thought about it that way, but it is two distinct people acting in this addiction. I wish I didn't love him and I didn't hurt so much. I'll try to continue acting myself into right thinking. I can't even speak to him for fear of being manipulated. Months have gone by and I still cry almost every day. Thanks for listening.

haring

I have realized these behaviors and its like they replay in my mind. My husband went through these stages over and over and then one day realized he needed to get help. This helps me to realize I could have suffered mentally, also. I have been feeling depressed and am realizing that living with an addict can do that to you. Thanks for the post.

tigerlillie1128

I'm afraid my A would react very violently to this message in a "shoot the messenger" kind of way. It's like trying to scratch an itch you can't reach. I want to slap him back into reality, but I do realize that that is my insanity to think that I'm that powerful...I know I'm not and it does no good to try to reason with a crazy person.

cammycay

Thank you for this powerful piece. It gives me much more to ponder than usual.

fatcat321

Hi, I am new at this site and last fri. night I just found out that my fiance is addicted to vicodin. He spent $3000.00 within 3 weeks and I found this out when I checked our savings. He finally confessed to me after 2hrs of trying to get the truth out of him. He said that he had been using pills to escape his family problems since Oct.2004. His brother is an alcoholic and addicted to zanex, valium, and anything else he can get a hold of. His father is an alcoholic as well and he is taking a antidepressant. His father also likes to gamble. Now regarding my fiance, is it possible for him to get off of these vicodin? He said he is ready but I am having a hard time believing him. He wants me to hold on to these pills and help him taper down. Does this tapering down work or should I live? It's so hard for me because I am getting ready to start school in March. Im afraid that if I am not around he would go right back into it. I really don't know what to do because I truly love him but at the same time I don't want to go down with him.

amitiredenuff

Hi fatcat,
No one here can tell you exactly what to do. I have tried anything and everything to help my husband get off pain meds. He has been addicted most of our 24 year marriage. Believe me, he may sincerely want help; but if that is true tell him to go to treatment. You can't be the one experiencing withdrawal with him (it's real) and also can be very dangerous. My AH has never been able to be honest about how much he is taking and $3000 in 3 weeks is a pretty substantial habit. You can't possibly be with him 24/7 and do you want a partner in life or do you want to be a mother/nag/babysitter? That's what my life came to. If he is at the point where he wants help maybe he is willing to "do whatever it takes". It takes lots of different things for lots of people. Find the posts "Letter from an addict" and also there is also a post written by Cherie? She is currently in recovery and married to an addict who has not been able to stay clean. Her post explains the mindset of an active addict and her words may help you. Anyway, take care of yourself. Don't put off your plans for school..continue living every day as a gift and if he wants the help it's there.

amitiredenuff

Sorry, the first post is by Jon and it's "What Addicts Do" the second post is by Cherie and it's "Letter from an Addict" (Letter was posted by someone else with Cherie's permission and it's a huge eye opener)

fatcat321

Hi Amitiredenuff, last night I went to pick up his pills and he want's me to help him taper down. However, last night when he came home, he asked me for the bottle and kept 21 pills and flushed the rest in the toilet (the bottle was for 3months supply). He keeps telling me that he is already ok and feels great. So I gave him 6 pills yesterday, today 5, tomorrow 4 and goes on until it is gone. I am worried that once he start feeling those withdraws, he would go out to his brother and get some valium or order more online. He won't go and see a therapist. He said that won't help him. I just don't know anymore. I don't want to leave because we have been together for 9yrs but I do not want to be the mother/nagger/babysister. I have to figure out something...Thanks for listening..

lostorfounf

i have spent hours reading and re-reading th posting and beeing new toall this i was sohappy to now im not alone. my husband is trying to come claen. was for 3 weeks then last weekend he went back, he tells me i need to help him but i dont no how he wont call any one.im gonna give him this site address cause i cant help him alone
these meseges were so moving and so my life it was unreal

Denice

I have a loved one dealing with a narcotic addiction. I found your posting to be very true and helpful. I am new to this scene and need advice.

thunderstruck

I was impressed with this. I need to read it a few more times. How true. How sad. Very powerful. Thanks.

may

OH MY GOD! It was so strange to read printed words of things I never said out loud, but lived and felt for almost 2 years. He's been clean for 5 months and everything is so much better. Except that I can't seem to get over everything he did. The terrible thoughts and fears and anger still consume me every day.

Thanks for sharing!

may

HisGrace -
No, you are not crazy or alone. Isn't that a great thing to find out ! It took me a year and a half to realize it, and realize that it was affecting our kids. I told him after Christmas (2 weeks) that was it .I was completly done living that way. And he knew I was really leaving him this time. He hasn't use since. There was an immedate change & we stayed together. It's only been 5 months, but it is so much better! I'm still having a very hard time dealing with everything he's done. The fear and anger never leave my mind. This helps! May