Chy

Wow!! This is the first time I had read this and it's one of the best things I've ever read. Sure did help this sober alcoholic!

Thanks MG! Great post.

cloudyinnyc

First off, you blew me away...as i read it seemed amazing that someone could put into words the experiences i had gone thu. The isolation that this disease sparks is incredible, for me at least. The poeple around me most times have no idea what the hell I am talking about, and almost seem to be making excuses for the addict in my life. I end up being "the bad guy" or the one "who sets the bar too high" meanwhile the only prerequisites are staying clean, keeping busy (working), and hitting meetings (honesty is just a given in my book, although I find that not everyone has the same standards). If I had a dollar for everytime he has said to me: "you dont understand" or the variation of that "you don't know what goes on in my head"...i would be backflippin' in a pool o' $$$. Everytime I have heard that, its as if someone is inside of my head and poking at the back of my eyeballs with a toothpick, I want to imprint the response on my forehead "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??!?! YOU NEVER TELL ME, WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?" He isolates himself in this movie, this bubble that only he "understands" (Well him that is- and a little bag of powdered chemicals, because God only knows how inanimate sacks of dust can relate to our innermost thoughts and fears) I am far from inexperienced in the addiction field having had an alcoholic father, and lost a friend to drugs, then finding out my boyfriend joined the crew, only to wake up to my own addictive tendencies, as I tried to find the answers...i looked real hard at the bottom of those bottles trying to feel what they felt...im on this treadmill of "the more I know, the less I know" and the more pissed off i get. I have been the "less than" loved one you speak of and have begun to see that all the arrows point at me...i stand up for myself tell him what i feel, and then feel incredibly guilty...i try to make myself believe that he DOES love me and then...BAM! Its in my face: these illusions of grandeur he has, combined with the compulsive lying, not taking care of himself, the mood swings, always trouble "finding HIM" (not the other way around, of course), mooching off me, and these empty promises, those damn empty promises that echo in my head...followed by a act of kindness, makes that one act of kindness seem so much more meaningful than it really is-then i go into "SAVE HIM" mode and end up hurting myself, and frustrating the hell outta him (who as it is is already confused with not letting his bubble burst, keeping the movie reel playing inside of his head, and keeping track of all those lies he's gotta keep up). I though I was doing better, but I'm not. I am pissed at him, at myself for loving him, for trying to "fix him", and for him getting pissed off at me when I give him the codie reactions he gets equally pissed off at when he doesn't get. Thank you all for existing. Thank you all for coming together. Thank you all for being humble, and honest, and non-judgemental. Thank you, thank you...and thank you MG. you all rock.

Elana

I have read and heard this before having gon thru al anon with my ex.
I thought I was done with addictive beahavior and being dumped on.

NOT. (see my thread, "Pot...").

It is all the same old stuff with addicts isn't it? Doesn't amtter if it is alcohol or narcotics.. it is the same crap for those of us who are not addicted.

It used to make me angry. Now it just makes me SAD.
My Momma didn't raise me like this....

AprilH

Thank you so much for posting this wonderful artical MG. It has helped me tremendously to truly understand the "A" that I have been living with for the past 2 years. We are seperated right now. This makes the third time. This time it has been four months so far. That is the longest I have stayed away from him yet. I have always fallen for those famous lines of "I'll never do it again, I promise" and "I never meant to hurt you or your family" the thing now that I am dealing with in him is he truly does not think he is an addict because he has been clean for four months now. Once you have had a drug addiction and I mean a very bad drug addiction, are'nt you always an addict? I know for a fact that his behavior clean or not is not something I can live with ever again. It is so sad to see such a great man with so much going for him get dragged down so low by this horrible demon. Thanks again so much for the article, it really touched my heart. April

Muf

i am new and I must go back and read this again I am realy tired right now
Muf

Super Tech

I just found this site today and this article was the first thing I read. I can only believe there was a reason for my "accidentally" coming upon it as I did. Wow! I only wish I could have known more a year ago. It feels as if this person had been in my home, observing and recording all the goings-on there between my daughter (the A) and myself. I didn't know at the time that our behaviors were so predictable--I hesitate to use the word normal. Thanks for the info. I'll keep coming back for more. Phyllis

Viviana

I needed an article like this today. I am two months into marriage and my husband has gone back full blown with crack cocaine. Every thing that you described in the article was what my husband did, has done and is doing. I left him yesterday...It was the hardest thing to do. He had a 13 year old daughter involved, not mine. I had to get her out of the situation. With this article i can put words the the insanity and i know it is not me. He is not the normal one. What he says in not logical....I am the sober one. He is the one who has to smoke the pipe every 15 to 30 minutes. He has started to sell too. But why do i want to go back.... ???I need to read many more of these wonderful articles. Thank You...Viviana

SisterBlues

Oh, my!!! What a great way to say how I've been feeling for years. I am new to this site and I am hoping it will help me cope with my sister who is an "A" (as you all put it). I feel like I have gotten past the feeling of wanting to "save" her, but I feel just a sense of loss.

She had just stopped drinking recently after being in the hospital with pancreantitis. She said she could do it because she didn't want to die. The Dr. warned her she would the next time she ended up in the hospital. But, I found out while she was in there that she also had Cocaine in her blood. I confronted her and she tried to tell me she only did it once that weekend and hasn't for 2 years. I didn't believe her, but went on speaking with her as if it weren't happening.

Now she is starting to have those behaviors she once had before when addicted to drugs. Not calling. Not talking much when she does call. And not going home. Her and her husband have been gone several days.


I feel as if I'm losing my sister. We are good friends and confide a lot in each other. It's almost like mourning for her death. I feel like there is no hope for her. She has been addicted to something ever since she was 14. She is now 49. She started with Heroine, then to Methadon, then alcohol, and now cocaine. I guess the insanity never stops. My husband and I have spent about $10,000 trying to save her, including a rapid detox treatment to get her off the state Methadon system. She just moved on to another drug.

I am ready to give up. She is currently in a state mandated drug treatment program from a DUI she got. She just makes up lies to them too, I guess.

Thanks for listening. I'll be reading more posts to help me deal with this. I'm thankful there is something like this on the web. Our town is too small for there to be privacy in a meeting and my son has scouts on the night of the only meeting there is in town. Can I get the help I need from websites?

Thank you.

SWEETVENM9

The post by morning glory was awesome... and I can SO relate to everyone relating to what the post contained. I was just reading everyone's reply's and when I got to yours... something really struck a nerve. When you speak up or against the problem you become the big bad wolf. Not only to the addict, but to other people in their lives who want to stay in denial about their problem as well. It is so frustrating. I am going through it myself. You start to think that you are crazy!!!

Beeangel

HI. Just read your lengthy read. It was great to read the truth. Told husband that if he were to get help and could get honest, we could "talk" about him and the two relationships going on in his life. His response, "So you're going to tell me what I have to do." Mine, "No, I said if you could become honest, you say you can quit, but you still have to get honest too." His response, "YOU are addicted to programs, you are addicted to having people outside your life who you feel you NEED help from." Mine, so you say you can quit, lets see you try. Do it. His " yeah I will try, but it will take a while." Mine, Yeah, the next year or two. Then I laugh. He gets REALLY angry, cause I know I have hit a nerve, a wave of obsicnities follow, then he kicks something and walks away very teed off. I know him now, so well. Thanks for the message.

Beenagel

Morning Glory

Welcome RedlandsGal1,

I moved your post so others could welcome you. Just click on the link to find it. It's on the nar-anon board.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/show...threadid=25897

pgreg

thank you for this site!..I have just put my gf/friend/user in rehab today. I'm scared new to this and not very hopeful. I have been used by her for 18 months..provided her and her kids and blew another relationship because of her. What the hell happened to me? I try and believe her ..but always get disappointed...so now 90 days of rehab for her....do I pray and hang in there?..or get out asap?

SisterBlues

Dear pgreg,

I am no expert, but I know what I've experienced through the years with my sister, the "A" in my life. She has been an addict since she was 14 and she is now 49. She just stopped drinking for health reasons. The doctor told her she would die a slow painful death if she didn't. But, I'm pretty sure she just moved on to another drug of choice. My advice would be GET OUT ASAP. I don't know what it is that keeps them wanting to stay addicts all there lives. What a waste. Maybe others have seen success in these programs. And, I do have to say she is a functioning adult to a point. She works, keeps her place clean, and appreciates everything she has. She lived on the street for 2 years and doesn't want to go back. But, why, oh why, can't they stop!! I don't see the attraction! Anyway, I'm going off a bit now, but my point is if you've only been in the relationship for 18 months... I would get away now and fast! Find a nice healthy relationship that doesn't involve an addict.

When I was in my early 20's and dating, if I found out the fellow I was dating was using anything... I RAN!!! I knew what it did to my family and I didn't want to go through it again. I met my DH at church and have been happily married 19 years!!

Best wishes and keep posting. I've only been here for a couple of months and it has helped me greatly.

Blessings,

SisterBlues

Morning Glory

Dani,

I created a new thread for you in Nar-anon so others will see your post.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/show...718#post196718

inthemist

This is my first time on this site and this was the first thing that I have read. I my self have been living with this and feel I can not do anything right theses days no matter what I say or do nothing seems to help .The harder I try to get A to oden up and talk A keeps shutting me out I hope this place can give me some kind of understanding as to why all of this has to happen.

sonnybee

Powerful stuff!
Thanks so much--I tend to forget at times. My husband and I were clean and sober for 8 yrs. 2 yrs. ago we both relapsed--I've since come home--gotten clean and back to recovery, and he has not. His 1st reaction--Reaction--(key word), was to say "Oh, great, now you're putting a wedge between us." As though I'm the problem. I know it's addiction speaking and wanting to survive....yet it's hard to hear from someone you love and you know loves you back. We've since come to an understanding--I take care of me. I've commited to not"push" as he says ,recovery onto him. It's tough--finances are suffering, he knows, it bothers him yet he continues. I've been there and understand the cycle, yet seeing it and living it now that I've been clean for 1 month really frustrates me. He's an intelligent man--yet.....He's only smoking pot you see--thats the rationale I keep hearing.
Thanks for the reminder. I needed to read this and remember.
Sonny

Sensatinalstorm

WOW! What a powerful and insightful explanation. This is right on the mark for how things are in my life with my A. The question I ask myself is......am I willing to stay and let this be a part of their lives and maybe themselves be addicts because of me staying lets them know it is okay. Or do I leave and not have an intact family once again? (I have three older kids with my ex) Reading this made me cry and feel the hevieness that is in my life.

I have never been to a meeting and know there is one tonight and am praying I have the streanght to tell my A he is watching the two girls so I can go to the meeting. (He has only watched the older one almost 5 one time and never the 10 month old.)

I have never gone to a meeting or read info on this except for a few times on line over a year ago.

SusannC

HI Everyone. I am new to this board, although I have been pursuing recovery from my co-dependency through Naranon.com's board. I am very happy to have found another site and even happier to have found this article. Boy, does this make me feel better. It is like they took the description of my addict, my fiancee George, and put it in print for all to read. I read it to his mom yesterday and we both just sat there with our mouths open in awe and wonder.
Love,
Susann

Mamabear

Dear MG,

Oh my. That post helped me so much. My son is dually diagnosed (though we doubt that diagnosis ....the last two docs he's seen feel addiction is the culprit for all his behavior. Tonight I sat at the computer and reluctantly came to the Nar anon thread. I have been struggling with knowing the difference between an addiction issue and a mental health issue. Call it a bias, but my "helping" nature kicks in more when iI see it as mental health. I detach better when I think of the bizarre thinking behaviors as addictive. You made my night. My son has so many of the traits described in your post. It is addiction rearing its ugly head.
Your post helped me detach and convinced me more than ever that he's not as different and unique as he would like everyone to believe. What an effective defense. It certainly has snowed me.
Did this post come from a book?
best wishes,
Mamabear

Jessielynn1111

Wow! Right on the money! I'm sending this to my husband who is sitting in confinement in prison for a dirty urine. Hmmmm, I wonder if he'll "get it?"