rwing62

Hello, I am a new member and I am so glad I found this website! This thread has made more sense to me than anything I have learned about this disease through books etc. My A and I have been married 18 years and I have watched his progression from alcohol to harder drugs and it has been really sad. I knew I wasn't crazy! Will be in touch...Thanks :crazy:

c_beneke

I really agree on this post. It's almost been a year for me and a lot of things are going through my mind I just need someone to talk to .. Great post ..

figure

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Hi! I'm new here! I don't know what else to do. I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months and have watched him slowly go down hill. He has been to anger management after getting a DUI in December. He has walked off the football field after cussing the coaches and now he has given up his full scholarship to play football. He left this summer in the middle of the night, without telling anyone. I was out of town. He packed up and went home. I have been trying and trying to find out why?? the more I pursue, the more he distances!! I just saw him last weekend. The first time in 6 weeks. HE LOOKED AWFUL! His eyes were bloodshot, pupils dilated, looked like he hadn't had a bath in months, stunk like sweat and smelled like marijuana. I couldn't believe it. I was scared to say anything so I didnt. We visited, had great sex and he left me saying he had some business to take care of. I think he may be dealing also!! I'm soo confused!! I can't gey any answers out of him and when I told him over the phone this week I knew about his addiction, he blew up at me and talked to me like I was a dog! I pray he does not mean what he said!! He says he used me for sex!! He just tells me he luvs me to get it. I told him that when you have slept with someone over a dozen times that that's not using someone for sex. I live in Louisiana and he lives in Texas. Why call me and text message me weekly if he does not really care for me? He could just get it from some girl there? I told him he needed help and not to call anymore when he was high! He is in denial sooo bad and will not talk to me, says he doesn't care about our friendship? Does he really feel this way? I need to know for me! I know he is doing marijuana but cant figure out what else? He sleeps all day and stays out all night! He is definately not the same person I new before! I'm scared he might do something to hurt himself and am seeking advice on how to deal with this!! He lies all the time does not see that he has a problem! Please help! Any advice will be appreciated!

Praying4Help

Figure,
You've come to the right place to find help to cope with this. Read the posts, express your feelings and others who are walking in your shoes will respond, relate and inspire you.
I've found much help here for myself and found out that I needed to do a recovery program for myself in order to learn how to live my life again, instead of trying to "fix" my daughter's life. She started the downward spiral you describe over 2 yrs. ago (at least that was when it became obvious to me and others close to her). From that point on it was a familiar pattern to our group. Isolating herself from anyone who actually cared about the obvious negative changes in her life...aligning herself with "friends" who stole from her in many ways. I say they stole from her, but I guess a more accurate description would be that she "gave" her life away. Everything she had worked so hard over her life to achieve slowly disappeared. Everywhere she went she was permanently attached to her cell phones. Yes, she had more than one going at a time sometimes. Her home became a gathering spot for the scum of the earth and her family was no longer asked there, nor did she ever attend family functions. She had joined a new family now. They understood her, and we didn't. I was interfering in her adult life and was unwelcome there. She slept all day and was up all night. Neighbors called me to tell me about the ongoing "traffic" at her house. They were concerned for their neighborhood and their own safety. Finally I was told I was being entirely too "intrusive" in trying to find out about these people who seemed to be staying there, as I was concerned for her safety as well as my teen aged grandson living there. The final time I tried to stop her from the self destructive rampage she was on she told me in no uncertain terms that I was no longer welcome in her life or her home, and that hasn't changed. She hates my husband and I now. Since then she's been arrested and taken to jail a few times, and is up on a few felony charges that are due to go to court soon. She's still in denial and vows to fight to the bitter end and prove her innocence. It is a world I don't understand and don't want to either.

The point of all this is that I became obsessed with her life and trying to save her and my grandson. In so doing, I almost lost my sanity, along with any kind of life of my own. Read the posts here written by people who understand all too well what you are talking about. They've seen it, been there and done that. What works for one might not work for another but there are solutions and methods of coping with the insanity without losing your own.

It definitely sounds like your loved one is dealing and using something other than MJ. My daughter claims that's all she's used, but the police found otherwise. It could be meth he's using or cocaine, or whatever. All those drugs result in the isolation of the person from the caring people around them and denial, the sleeping all day and staying up all night, running off at the ring of the cell phone to parts unknown, coming and going at all hours..........dilated pupils, lack of concern for anything that used to be important to them. They become very self-absorbed and ill. They love the drug of choice more than they love anything in the world and their whole life centers on the obtaining of it and sustaining a source for it. There is no room for personal relationships in their world. Amongst these people,
whose lives have become as dysfunctional as their own, they don't notice how far down they have fallen and they can still feel good about themselves. They even seem to seek out those who are worse off than themselves in order to make their lives look better to them.
Even after all that's happened to her, she's still in denial and it's almost been 3 yrs. now.
But I'm not in denial anymore and I'm working the program now to achieve my own recovery and get my life back. My friends and family no longer have to dread my appearance, as I no longer bend their ears with incessantly talking about her and her problems and what a mess her life is and how I might be able to make a difference. Those days are over....but it's still just one day at a time.

I encourage you to share and learn from those here who are so wise with having been through it and are still going through it.

We find much help from our HP and caring for each other and ourselves.

OCAT

I don't know why it has taken me a week to get to this thread, but I'm thankful to have found it.
OCAT

Praying4Help

Welcome, OCAT, we're happy to have you with us.
Share what you feel like sharing, and we'll listen. Or choose to just read and try to get encouragement and help.
There is no judgement here. It's a safe place to air our feelings to others who are now, or have been walking in our shoes and do know how we feel. Most of all ,speaking for myself, it's a great source for direction and support. Reassurance that we are not going crazy when we think we are.

mayra

My Son Is Homeless. Has Lost Everything..
Now I Can See And How They Behave. I Have Gained More Insights.

louisedx

This message has been a true eye opener. I have read lots of literature on addiction, etc. But this morning, I know that I have to take care of myself and let the addict go. I am beginning to go down with the addict. Particularly when I feel so helpless as to what to do about his stealing and dragging me into the mud with others. I now realize that he is not in his right mind and may not get there. My daughter is having nightmares about him killing her and now myself. She is shared and wants me to let him go completely. It is difficult after 7 years of dating, and 18 months of supporting change during jail time, living together for over 20 months. The roll-a-coaster is getting too bizarr. I feel crazy and sometimes do not think I will be able to make it without the connection to this man. But, this article gives me some hope and renewed strength. I must let him go, sending him to jail for his actions is totall appromiatel I is the only way to start stopping the effect he has had on me. No contact and to follow-up onnn punishing those who violate the laws of mankind and especially children. I pray to God for forgiveness from straying away from him to attach mysself to an addict. Thanks for this down to earth and fulfilling message. Keep sharing. If you feel the need to respond to me with some words of encouragement, feel free. "Seel ye first the kingdom of heaven, and all things will be added unto you. Something for me to reiterate to myself. Again, thanks.

Lady77

Wow! Thanks soo much. But sure not going to print it out for Him to read, last time I did something like that he got so angry. I don't want to see that again. Gonna have to keep reading this over and over to grasp it ALL.

Ddd0611

Yes, they do get pretty angry when you try to break through their denial. I've quit showing my addict much of anything. I am currently going to college to become a substance abuse counselor and I can't even discuss my assignments or my new friends with him. They say you can't counsel your family, friends or spouse but I intend to help anyone I can to break free from addiction.

b&b

I have to tell all of you thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! I have been searching the internet for months for answers to no avail until I found this site. I made my A go to counseling (that just angered him b/c she kept telling him to go to AA), threatened him, begged and pleaded with him. I really had no clue that he was an alcoholic until months ago. When I first met him he was the perfect man. He loved everything that I loved. He put me on a pedestal. When I was with him I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. And then one day aliens took over his body and I was left with this mean, uncaring, ugly man. He started drinking and the things that he would say to me were horrifying. He would always cry, apologize, and promise to never do it again. Blah blah blah!!!
When he first started going to counseling he got worse. He started resenting and blaming me for everything. I was so confused at first. He just started spiraling. He went out one Friday and had his sister call me and tell me that he wasn’t coming home and he was going to stay with her for the night. He e-mailed me a couple of days later telling me that he needed to come by to get a pair of tennis shoes and jeans. (He was basically trying to make me feel guilty for something he had done) So I packed up all of his things in grocery bags and had it waiting for him at the front door. (I wish that I would have kept that decision. He just got worse. It was like as soon as I knew he was an alcoholic he stopped caring. He didn't try to cover it up anymore. I cried for months. At any time during the day I would start bawling. It was horrible. Then I read this description and a light bulb finally lit up. After reading this I am able to still love him and not let his actions affect me. (Most of the time anyway)
After searching for answers for so long this was a godsend!!! I finally understand!!!
It finally all makes sense!!!!!

Lezaleza72

We have been through all of this. At the end is a perfect description of myself. Right now I have decided to divorce. He doesn't want that, so he'll promise anything. After it has gotten this far are they capable of recovery? One of the reasons I stayed in the relationship was because I am the only person who tries to slow him down and I was afraid he would die.

b&b

lezaleza72,

You have to do whatever is best for you!!! With my A out of my house it's amazing how much happier I am. He is in oupatient counseling right now and has just started spiraling backwards again. He sent me a text message letting me know. He told me to take care of me and to move on!!! It's one of the first times that he hasn't tried to take me down with him. That was a defining moment for me. Slowly but surely I have started to move away from his crazy world.

dobber

I am a newcomer to this site. Actually a newcomer to any kind of help in recovery although my relationship with my sons addiction has gone on for 8 or more years. Your article hits the nail on the head and helps me put two and two together. I often feel that I too am caught in his downward spiral because of my inability to stop enabling and the hope that I can somehow
'help him see the light". Such a vicious circle.

drey

I don't know where to start, My husband's addictions became noticiable about, 6 years ago. He's been to rehab 3 times and is not working the programs. He's seems sometimes a basket case. I've asked him, if he really likes his addictions, you know he answered that he does. I'm at work right now and its hard to tell everything I really wanna tell. The road has really been hard in the last 3 years, seems to me, that since he knows that its not a secret anymore, he seems to use any and every excuse to get high. I love him, but I've never been down this low financially, or emotionally before. I want love from, but then, I really don't trust him.
All I know to do about this is pray,pray, and pray.
I need to know what to do with myself.
I'm angry, hurt, and just feeling helpless.

Gabe

Hey drey,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
It's hard to watch someone you love self-destruct.
And it does give you a helpless feeling when you realize that there is nothing you can do to make them heal.
There isn't anything you can do for your husband.
He has to want recovery for himself.
But there is a lot you can do for yourself.
Coming here was a great first step.
I'm glad you found us.
Stick around.
Gabe

cdoria

I first read this post 3 months ago. I say first because I go back to it time and time again. Thank you MG so much for the insight and wisdom you shared. I have since broken up with my A, though I have not dissolved my friendship/relationship with him. I was able to go to meetings after finding this site. I was able to detach myself, my life, my goals from my A's. Since then, I think that I am better able to do good for him. I am no longer the hysterical psycho I turned into and he responds to and respects(?) my comments now. I felt destroyed during the whole detaching phase of 1 and 1/2 months. My mental and physical health were definitely in danger. But even then I saw myself recovering and accepting. I am more like myself again. I am fully occupied taking care of my own life. I still am close to my A. I have too close a relationship to his daughter and his family. I have come to accept he and I may not end up with the future we both expressed we wanted. We were so close. Yet, the closer we got to a future together, the worse my psyche got because he couldn't stop: lying, hiding, manipulating, questioning my mental stability, watching as my health deteriorated. Anyway, who would want to have that future? No one deserves it. Acquaintances would treat me as if I was the crazy one for always arguing and leaving and being unhappy. That's how charismatic he is. Can I defend myself and tell them our secrets? Not really, so there was another attack to my peace of mind.
For you who are in my situation, being the significant other of an addict is just as hard and significant as being a parent, sibling child, spouse of an addict. You will suffer and continue to suffer until your significant other wants to stop. Until that time, you have to stop, take a breath, take a good look around you and see if you can take it anymore. Do not hit bottom along with the one you love. If you want to help, you can't do it from down there. I love my A so much, even now. I know he didn't want us to be like we are. I know he wanted to be with me and love me and grow old and share every special waking and sleeping moment with me. It just didn't happen the way we wanted. I had to accept that. He has to accept that, or want to stop. Not being able to stop, or not being able to want to stop, does not mean he doesn't love me. This addiction is bigger than a question of mind over matter. That's why this is an addiction and not cocaine use. Some people can stop using. He is of the unlucky who cannot easily walk away. He suffers from it like it is a disease. Intervention is required. But I've realized attempts at intervention are no good unless he's ready. Being not ready does not mean they don't love you. But, you will not help anyone by pushing and insisting and testing.
How am I able to love and detach at the same time? Honestly, I don't have an answer because I know the way will be different for all of us. Just trust that you are not insane or at least understand why you're in pain and that you can get out. Time really is the best healer. Take the time to learn to love yourself again. You are a good person and you are trying to help someone you love. Now you have to get your strength back so you can do some real good and be able to do something effective; if not for your A, then for yourself. Significant others are just as important sufferers as the relatives I mentioned earlier. But, we do have an advantage they do not have. We can simply walk away and never look back. I am not saying to do just that, but realize that you have a life to live also. What are you learning from your time here on earth? How are you sharing your gifts? You are special, too.
Again, thank you so much MG for your post. This ability to share and discover on this site is truly a gift. Thank you.

Pamsters

I have not only done this myself as an addict but I have lived with an active addict and he is still in denial about his addictive behaviors. I try the tough love and push him away which leads hin to heavier using and he usually ends up in jail. Right now, he is supposed to be getting out and he is giving me all the same promises that were in that post. "I promise....." And for some reason he always seems to get closer to God in jail but then when he gets out all that is gone and reality hits him in the face. I have pushed him away for more then 2 years; I take him back for a couple of weeks and then he uses and I kick him out again. He has found others to be with and they do the same thing. I love him; I love his potential but until he gets it and finds his way to recovery; real recovery. There will never be a "we". I have 2 years and 8 months and I am unwilling to give up my recovery to anyone. I pray for him everyday that he see's the light someday.

rainybunrs

Thanks so very much for this explanation of my daughter's behavior. I have been beating myself for years trying to take responsibility for her rejection of me. This helps me so much!!!

rainybunrs

MG I thank you from my heart! This discription has been my life for the last year. You have given me the insight I have been struggling for to understand what has been happening with my daughter. Is this your writing? The clarity and completeness is astounding. You have helped me more than I could ever say.