st.jude

Hi, new to this forum. Could I run something by you's and get some feedback. My son is 27 and addicted to cocaine and crack cocaine. Has been now for 3 - 4 years. He has been in recovery 4 times the last two of which he got himself thrown out. He is going downhill so fast I can't actually believe it. I don't see my son anymore. He has pawned everything he owns but still has his fricken car. He's lied and manipulated everyone around him. His dad and I are guilty of enabling him many many times. His dad is actually a recovering alcoholic for the last 18 years but he hasn't been to meetings in a long long time. We have recently separated. I know i'm going on but really there is a point to this. I have my own home now with my teen daughter. My husband is living with a family member and also my son. Family members got together and we decided that an intervention was in order. What we've decided to do is (tomorrow night) all get together, in a positive way, with my son and basically babysit him for the next 30 days. Take his car keys from him. Take him to meetings, to the gym, to where ever he needs to go. Someone will be with him at all times. The reason we decided this route was because my son has decided that he can quit drugs all on his own, get a job and turn his life around by following house rules, surrounding himself with only "positive" people and carrying a phone just in case he gets "tempted". I have heard this "plan" many times. All its accomplished is that he gets deeper into the drugs and all that goes along with that, dealing, etc. After the 30 days we want him to go into a rehab up north that has a cocaine program and has a very good reputation. That will cost money but we would find some way to get it. Everyone was on board last night with this approach. Now my husband says it won't work. That he (my son) should go get a job and try getting clean and sober by going to meetings. Which would require that he have his car. To me it's a disaster waiting to happen. It didn't work before why would it work now. I hope I've explained the situation that you can understand it. Me head is all over the place. If you could give me any feedback I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

Done_With_It

Hi (((St. Jude)))

shockozulu

I'm with Done_with_it. for many addicts money = drugs. I actually refused financial aid this semester because I knew if I got any money it would go to drugs. and am only attending one class!

Cindi R

Recovery is for those who "want" it not necessarily for those who "need" it.
An intervention...can work but I think it must be done like on the TV show...
"you have to get help right now, today!
or else we're done trying to help you"...
The only reason that I got clean was because I was about to lose something that meant everything...
That was my job and the respect of my kids...

velvet

If your son is willing to do the 30 days with you....he should be willing to go to rehab now, instead of waiting. My exbf....wanted to stay with me and me be the "boss" while he detoxed from cocaine. Ha. What a joke. He'd go to work...get what he needed at lunch, then come to my house and act like everything was going great....they are conartists and the best at it. He never did succeed and I am not willing to wait on him to get help, that he really doesn't want. (I am here at SR for support for myself, dealing with meth addicted daughter)

st.jude

Well God bless you all for replying. I can't thank you enough, and you all struggling yourselves. And your right DWI, part of why we want him "babysat" now is he doesn't want rehab right now he wants to do it himself, and God love him that's not enough. He needs help. We figured if we "mind" him for 30 days by then his head will be clear enough to make a decision that rehab is what he wants. If at the end of the 30 days he still doesn't want help to turn his life around then we have to let him go. This is where I am troubled. If an addict is given a choice in the here and now - drugs or rehab, won't he chose drugs? He's not capable of making a life altering decision while he is under the influence. Or at least I don't think so. He is killing himself right in front of me. He's my son and I feel I have to try everything and anything to help him. He's dying right in front of me. I guess I do want to control his recovery. When and how do you say enough is enough, do it on your own and really let go. What do I (we) do. Do we go ahead with the intervention. Oh sweet lord I am so confused. I honestly feel my husband is so wishy washy about this whole thing is because he doesn't want to put the time and effort into the "30" days. If he can't work his own program why put the effort into his son's. Please, please some guidance. Thank you very much.

Done_With_It

S.J.

I do understand where you are coming from. Some people may tell you that your plan won't work. But I am more about, he's your son so you've got to try first. I get that whole part about not being ready for rehab because you aren't ready for rehab when your high, lol, it's
"out of the question"~Whatever are THEY thinking!
lol, when I first came here, I wasn't gung ho on quitting. Well part of me was, but I WAS SCARED........ I was scared it would be something that I wouldn't be able to do. I DID WANT TO STOP, but how do you stop using something that is keeping you alive. It's not really but it sure feels like it.
It's a mind numbing process that happens upstairs.

I think you are onto something about your husband. Plus if he has to confront his son's addiction then maybe he'll have to confront his own and "HIS PART" in his son's addiction.
Not that it was his dad's fault, but kids learn stuff. And they DO watch there parents....

I say continue with the intervention, throw some love and some tough love in there. Give him choices. If he continues to use, this is what he is going to lose............... and how none of you will stand around and watch him die, on the other hand if he chooses to live, you will be behind him all the way. Back up your plan though, drug tests, rules, etc.
Expect him to be angry, upset, confused, and want to run at first.
That is what i may have done. It wouldnt' have meant I didn't want help, it would have been me "being scared".........

Go with your gut, Hang in there, and BE STRONG..........

Keep posting..

MamaGoose

(((( st. jude )))) Welcome to SR!

Join us on the Nar-Anon forum. Lots of experienced parents of addicts there. My 16 year old son is the main addict in my life. I don't have much experience with interventions. We did try one with my alcoholic brother but he walked out and his wife continues to enable him.

I have found this site and Nar-Anon meetings to be a big help. And also the three C's:

You didn't CAUSE this
You can't CONTROL this and
You can't CURE this.

Also Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More"

On the Nar-Anon forum is this sticky:
Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" which were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.


You are not alone. Stay strong and keep posting.

Done_With_It

For the record......... NOT ALL ADDICTS ARE LIKE THAT!!!!!!! I was addicted to meth, and was QUITE capable of loving my family and friends just the same as I ALWAYS HAD. AND USE THEM AS TOOLS......... No, I did not. I could go on here, but I won't, I won't even justify the rest of that.....
Please do not categorize all people with addictions the same,
It's insulting.....


DWI..........

MamaGoose

Dear DWI,
I did not mean to insult you. Jon who started this web site wrote that. It's a sticky on the Nar-Anon forum and unfortunately it is what most of us have dealt with.
We codies have a hard time understanding that helping our addicts is really hurting them in the long run.

Done_With_It

I'm sorry. I shouldn't take that so personally. I am still having a hard time when I see stuff like that. It's just hard because I fight so hard to not do the drugs, I quit so I would never be like that, then I see that, and it's just really hard. My first instinct is just not a good one. I have prepped myself when I go into the Naranon board to not get offended or to suck it up when I do, and I do sometimes, but here I'm not too good at that yet.

Your right in that most of you have gone through more hell than I can imagine. It is probably part of what stopped me from going into deep into addiction. So I guess in some random way it's good for me to get pissed off when I see stuff like that. Because your right the majority of addicts have done some crazy stuff.

I appologize for jumping the gun. I always feel bad after I write something like that. Thank you for your post........

All this is such a reminder to me to stay off the drugs......

TRISH1011

I too have a problem with that paragraph. I did love my parents and my partner very much throughout my addiction. I never stopped loving them. I do see how it can be seen in that way...but there are so many variant factors to be taken into consideration.