Eagle1

Well, Clean now for the under part of a week. Yea.....Thanks.
Ya know, I hate the pills now. I hate what it did to me and the strong hold it had. But I have to say...what is life all about? I feel good clean and stuff but....really. I have always liked to be altered in some state in the evening. A few beers, or a few tokes, a benzo, etc. (not all at the same time )

But it seems something will be missing. I quit drinking. I don't smoke weed. I take ambien at night.....Wow.

What is it all about? Kids? Wife? Work? All that is good and important but at the end of the hard day if you can't "escape" to a comfortable place, what is there.

Now, please...I don't want to use. I am not missing pain pills. Don't get the wrong idea. I am just wondering???

Eagle1

Oh Yea....and don't say God is the answer.

shockozulu

Eagle, it took a long while before I started adjusting to my new life. For me, I was just there without a real purpose until I was asked to become a full-time volunteer. that has given me a feeling that I am doing something.

In the time before that, I just faked it til I made it.

bella

LOL, I'm glad you asked that question. I don't have a good answer for you right now but I'm real interested to hear everyone else's responses.

Eagle1

Funny how all the wisdom as eluded this post. Come on ....spill all your guts.

Jane63

I like that answer Alera!! {LOL} I think I spent quite awhile at first doing just that till I got my 'sea legs' back and my thoughts became my own again.

Eagle...I don't think anyone really knows the real meaning of life. If we did then there would be no purpose in getting up each day to go looking for it...things would probably be pretty boring. So I keep trying different things and marking them off mentally...did the drug thing and that wasn't "it" and so I've moved on.

I worked on ME for over a year and a half...reasonably happy with the results...so now I'm working on my house!
Maybe that is part of the meaning of life! To have PURPOSE! **?}

**{HUGS}}
Jane

Blake

Life.....the final frontier.

But really, I'm not too sure what life is about yet, I have been clean for about a year and I'm still working on it. I do know that since I got clean I have these things, emotions...I think, that I never had when I was dried up, tied up and dead to the world. It has it benefits and it's draw backs, but I'm getting used to them and they are really cool sometimes.

THe best answer I have come up with for the "what is the meaning of life?" question is....experiences.

I have done a bunch of things now that I'm clean that I never would have gotten a chance to do if I was loaded, spending time with my family and really being there instead of in a half nod. Noticing joy and happines in there faces. I have been able to meet a ton of interesting people i would have never come in contact with had I never quit using. I have found out quite a bit about how I work and what drives me to do the **** I do. I have learned to trust people again and sometimes I run on pure faith now. THis weekend I'm gonna go skydiving...I allways wanted to go skydiving when I was using, but I would never be willing to spend dope money on something so frivolus...next month I am going to an NA convention in Alabama. In the last year I have cried on 6 seperate occasions, it may not seem like a big deal, but till I got clean I hadn't cried for probably 10 years. I have been able to visit my dying grandfather in the hospital and be there with him, actually be there, in the moment and find some peace about the situation....and I made him laugh a couple times...he's dying and in pain 24 hours a day and I made him laugh, that may be the last time he ever laughs and I am responsible for it. I have been able to share my personal experiences with other people that are getting clean it has helped both them and myself. Today I smile at more than a fat bag of dope.

I don't really know what else is comming down the pipe in the life department, it all hasn't been rainbow sherbert and blow jobs since I got clean, but it has been really good for the most part. I know life is gonna happen, whatever that means, and b/c I'm clean I get to take part in it, whatever that means.

Stay clean, and you'll get your own grasp on the life thing. More will be revealed.
Blake

KelKel

Maybe you can start to notice the small wonders that happen in everyday life... the little stuff that goes unnoticed when we are caught up in an addiction.

shockozulu

Its the truth, isn't it? When I first got clean I had no idea what I was doing on planet earth, much less my purpose. I felt like one small ant among billions. So all I knew to do was walk through life, literally one step at a time. Eventually, things started to happen around me, and I noticed them. And then I got my current volunteer job, which keeps me so busy.

Since its volunteer, I have to believe in what I'm doing and that it makes a difference in the world, and I do. but I never would have found it if I had been using.

angelgirl

Hmm,, I am just wondering what this is about?

I guess god would have to be part of my answer, although not my only answer. But, I couldn't answer the question, without including jesus in there.
Because without him in my life, I can honestly say that I would not be here.

So, either my choice was to ignore the post, or tell you the truth. I chose to
tell you the truth.

The rest of life, is a new learned behavior. We have to learn that we can enjoy a life without that beer at night, or that high.. Fake it till you make it is good, because that really is what I believe we do.. Eventually we will learn to enjoy life without.

Maybe we just plain take life for granted?? Maybe we take the fact that we have that nice house, and those wonderful kids, and that great wife to come home and spend the night with, for granted.?

I have a really wise counselor, and she has told me before, when I get in my own head to much, that it's time for me to go volenteer at a womens shelter, a homeless shelter, a animal shelter, or an old age home.. Maybe go check out a prison?? When we do these things, it reminds us,, just how great our life really is, just how good we really have it, and just how lucky we really are. Just what miracles we really are. I know that I forget all the time how lucky I am.. I wrote a post in my thread, about my aunt that is crippled, and in terrible agonizing pain, that they just can't seem to control,, that can't do much of anything for herself, and I go help her, and she teaches me things everytime I go see her, but the best thing she teaches me is, that I do take my life for granted, and yet I still complain all the time. I need alot of reminding.

That is why I can't leave god out the of equation, because everyone of us here are miracles!!

We are literally miracles, because so many addicts and alcoholics did not hve the opportunities we have had just to LIVE. We had a second chance at life, or for some of us, a 20th chance. I consider that pretty miraculous.

So, I know am sorry if you did not want me to tell you God, but I just can;t type a response to a question like this, without adding him in,,. I am just so grateful, even with all of the problems I do have, things just could be sooo much worse.

Love,
Becky

TRISH1011

Hi Blake,

I really enjoyed your blog. You write well and convey yourself clearly.
I just wish you good luck on your skydiving experience and trust you will keep us updated as to how it went.

Hugs
Trish

Eagle1

I just signed up to sponser a child in the Phipipenes. Hey.....you all are so inspiring..$24 a month for a little deaf poor girl makes me feel good. Not good like I am cool, but good I am helping out a person. See. there are beter things to spend money on then opiates.

angelgirl

That is sooo cool Eagle.. That will make you feel so good..

Did you sign up for the one's that they send you a picture,a nd they write you letters every so often?? Well, even if they aren't just think of the life youa re helping..!!

We have it so great in america, as well as other countries also do too, not just america,. But there are so many hurtin' countries. They really do need our help, those little children. Just think of what you will do for that little girl. Send her to school, give her meds she needs, clothes, food, books.. Things she just could not have had, if it weren't for you!! Isn't it great

See, I didn't understand the god thing, because you are doing something so god like,,.. You are giving back, for the miracle you are.. Good for you!

You can sleep with a smile tonight...

Love,
Becky

Done_With_It

For me it's about passion and dreams. When I first was leaving meth behind I had to go out and do stuff........... I had to do things I really enjoyed to try and get some type of high to replace the meth things. I mean more of a rush, not really a high.
But I forced myself to go to concerts, hang out with an old friend, etc. The things I really enjoy that give meaning to my life, I started doing. I HAD to do them to try and figure out if life was worth living at all. I went to parties at friends house, whatever I had to do. I'm not saying these things are for you, but I figured out things to do that I knew that I once really enjoyed. Like the concerts, I've always gotten a huge rush from doing concerts..... I don't know if that helps but thought I'd throw my 2 cents in. Okay 3 cents.....

Sugah

I was just thinking the other day that if drugs and alcohol had no adverse effect on my life, I wouldn't have stopped. But, they did. What had been, at certain points, an escape at the end of the day had turned into a way of life....or a way of existence, anyway.

So, you don't want to hear about God...I only use that title because most people understand that it's a reference to a Higher Power and, well, God is easy to spell. I feel in tune with the spiritual part of me clean that I never could find when I was high. I'm able to experience all of my day, rather than numbing parts of it out.

Where I am during my days in recovery is not somewhere that I want to escape at the end of the day. When I was in active addiction, life was a chore, and my days were something to get through rather than fully live. Whether my days wind down with a meeting, a late after-dinner discussion with my kids, a cuddle and a movie with my husband, fine-tuning a poem I've written, or talking to someone on the phone who's seeking recovery and sharing these kinds of things with them, all of my day is lived.

My dreams in active addiction were more like fantasies than anything I could actualize in my life. I always dreamed of being a writer...now I am. I always dreamed of being an advocate and activist, and now I am (chairing the committee for our campus women's organization that puts on the Clothesline Project). I always dreamed of being able to parent my children rather than just deal with them, and granted, I make mistakes (lots), but they're all thriving. I even managed to wash my truck yesterday instead of putting it off because getting high was more important.

You asked what life was all about. That's an question you're going to have to answer for yourself. I told you just a snippet of what my life is about. What do you dream about? What do you want out of life that you can't have when getting high? Recovery isn't about material gain, though that usually comes with it, especially if drugs have interferred with out ability to function (not to mention the amount of money we spent on them). Recovery is about finding a purpose in life, finding value in ourselves as human beings, and finding that we live in a world full of other human beings who can benefit from our existence. At least, that's what recovery is for me.

So, I did my best to leave God out of it. Had I not, I could have really wound things up.

What will your life be about? Look inside...what do you need?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Eagle1

you know, I think that was the most powerfull statement I have ever read here. I can identify 120%

Thanks...peace.