I was just thinking the other day that if drugs and alcohol had no adverse effect on my life, I wouldn't have stopped. But, they did. What had been, at certain points, an escape at the end of the day had turned into a way of life....or a way of existence, anyway.
So, you don't want to hear about God...I only use that title because most people understand that it's a reference to a Higher Power and, well, God is easy to spell. I feel in tune with the spiritual part of me clean that I never could find when I was high. I'm able to experience all of my day, rather than numbing parts of it out.
What is it all about? Kids? Wife? Work? All that is good and important but at the end of the hard day if you can't "escape" to a comfortable place, what is there.
Where I am during my days in recovery is not somewhere that I want to escape at the end of the day. When I was in active addiction, life was a chore, and my days were something to
get through rather than
fully live. Whether my days wind down with a meeting, a late after-dinner discussion with my kids, a cuddle and a movie with my husband, fine-tuning a poem I've written, or talking to someone on the phone who's seeking recovery and sharing these kinds of things with them, all of my day is lived.
My dreams in active addiction were more like fantasies than anything I could actualize in my life. I always dreamed of being a writer...now I am. I always dreamed of being an advocate and activist, and now I am (chairing the committee for our campus women's organization that puts on the Clothesline Project). I always dreamed of being able to parent my children rather than just deal with them, and granted, I make mistakes (lots), but they're all thriving. I even managed to wash my truck yesterday instead of putting it off because getting high was more important.
You asked what life was all about. That's an question you're going to have to answer for yourself. I told you just a snippet of what my life is about. What do you dream about? What do you want out of life that you can't have when getting high? Recovery isn't about material gain, though that usually comes with it, especially if drugs have interferred with out ability to function (not to mention the amount of money we spent on them). Recovery is about finding a purpose in life, finding value in ourselves as human beings, and finding that we live in a world full of other human beings who can benefit from our existence. At least, that's what recovery is for me.
So, I did my best to leave God out of it. Had I not, I could have really wound things up.
What will your life be about? Look inside...what do you need?
Peace & Love,
Sugah