new here... please advise how to talk to my loved one re: substance usage
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1
new here... please advise how to talk to my loved one re: substance usage
i've been married to my husband for 6 months now, living together for four years prior to that. he has been clinically diagnosed with depression, has a family history of mental illness (mostly depression - two other family members on medication) and has been taking zoloft for the past year. before he was diagnosed and started on medication, he had self-medicated for years, mostly with pot. prior to our relationship he did a lot of pot, as well as some hallucinagins, some minor alcohol, and tried a few other drugs. we got together, and he dropped back to just pot - not as often - and more alcohol.
i've been slowly talking to him about seeking treatment - he has not been talking to a psych, just getting the medicine through his family practice doctor. in the past year, he has not had much access to pot so he's been drinking nightly, 2-3 drinks/night. i know that total alcohol intake is not a lot, but it has gone up in the past year (couple times a week to nightly) and he's extremely defensive if i broach the subject. i believe that he's showing signs of the early stage of alcoholism.
also, if he does have any pot - it'll be months without any, then he'll get some from a friend - he cannot show any self-restraint with it. even if he plans to "ration" it so that it lasts for a while, he will basically smoke it until it's gone. we'll have a talk, he'll say that he realizes he cannot control it and he has a problem, and then next time we talk he'll say that he doesn't understand why i believe it's an issue (completely forgetting the discussion we had before).
i realize that i've been a facilitator.. my problem is that i hate the inevitable fight, and he sees any observations on my part as me trying to control him - something that he adamently hates. the doctor has told him how drugs/alcohol increase his depression, are bad with the medication, and just generally self destructive. but what my husband sees is that if he's smoking/drinking then he's feeling better.
again we had a talk last night, and again he raised a question that i don't know how to vocalize the answer to. please help if you have any ideas or have been here yourself:
he honestly doesn't understand how the zoloft - a drug prescribed to help with mood,etc - is any different than him self-prescribing with the drugs and alcohol. he doesn't understand why the amount that he uses is a problem at all - and my pointing out the warning signs doesn't help. when i say that he can't moderate it, so it's a problem, he just keeps asking why? he also asked the question why his turning to these things to fill a void is any different than my turning to religion and my faith - and i feel like the only answer i keep giving is "well of course it's different". how can i make this more concrete for him? in my mind it's so obviously different and a problem, but i'm having trouble getting that out in words to him.
i feel like i'm just complaining here.... my husband is my best friend, and i love him with all my heart. but i'm very worried that if we don't do something to help this now, then 20 years from now i will find myself married to a hard-and-fast alcoholic. i want to be able to help him find a way to help himself, both for him and for the future of our relationship.
i've been slowly talking to him about seeking treatment - he has not been talking to a psych, just getting the medicine through his family practice doctor. in the past year, he has not had much access to pot so he's been drinking nightly, 2-3 drinks/night. i know that total alcohol intake is not a lot, but it has gone up in the past year (couple times a week to nightly) and he's extremely defensive if i broach the subject. i believe that he's showing signs of the early stage of alcoholism.
also, if he does have any pot - it'll be months without any, then he'll get some from a friend - he cannot show any self-restraint with it. even if he plans to "ration" it so that it lasts for a while, he will basically smoke it until it's gone. we'll have a talk, he'll say that he realizes he cannot control it and he has a problem, and then next time we talk he'll say that he doesn't understand why i believe it's an issue (completely forgetting the discussion we had before).
i realize that i've been a facilitator.. my problem is that i hate the inevitable fight, and he sees any observations on my part as me trying to control him - something that he adamently hates. the doctor has told him how drugs/alcohol increase his depression, are bad with the medication, and just generally self destructive. but what my husband sees is that if he's smoking/drinking then he's feeling better.
again we had a talk last night, and again he raised a question that i don't know how to vocalize the answer to. please help if you have any ideas or have been here yourself:
he honestly doesn't understand how the zoloft - a drug prescribed to help with mood,etc - is any different than him self-prescribing with the drugs and alcohol. he doesn't understand why the amount that he uses is a problem at all - and my pointing out the warning signs doesn't help. when i say that he can't moderate it, so it's a problem, he just keeps asking why? he also asked the question why his turning to these things to fill a void is any different than my turning to religion and my faith - and i feel like the only answer i keep giving is "well of course it's different". how can i make this more concrete for him? in my mind it's so obviously different and a problem, but i'm having trouble getting that out in words to him.
i feel like i'm just complaining here.... my husband is my best friend, and i love him with all my heart. but i'm very worried that if we don't do something to help this now, then 20 years from now i will find myself married to a hard-and-fast alcoholic. i want to be able to help him find a way to help himself, both for him and for the future of our relationship.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: new milford ct
Posts: 6
hey jm1982
be supportive be loving. show him care and you will always be there 4 him. try not to be controlling or too pushy about. there is nothing you can do or say that will make him stop or realize he has a problem. it has to come from him. deep down inside of himself he has to reach a point where he truly wants to stop or try to get better. if he isnt already aware of NA or AA sugest it to him. and you yourself shouyld consider ALANON( for family members of the addicted. keep your head up and keep your faith.
be supportive be loving. show him care and you will always be there 4 him. try not to be controlling or too pushy about. there is nothing you can do or say that will make him stop or realize he has a problem. it has to come from him. deep down inside of himself he has to reach a point where he truly wants to stop or try to get better. if he isnt already aware of NA or AA sugest it to him. and you yourself shouyld consider ALANON( for family members of the addicted. keep your head up and keep your faith.
Binge poster
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
Hello, nice to see you...
Alcohol is a depressant, it can't and won't make depression better, it's only masking the stuff he wants to hide from.
Prescribed medicines are designed to alleviate depression by altering the chemistry in your brain, in a good way.
Sometimes it takes a while, and a few tries, to get it right.
I know from watching that cannabis is just another unhealthy way of hiding.
Of course it's different.
J
xxx
Alcohol is a depressant, it can't and won't make depression better, it's only masking the stuff he wants to hide from.
Prescribed medicines are designed to alleviate depression by altering the chemistry in your brain, in a good way.
Sometimes it takes a while, and a few tries, to get it right.
I know from watching that cannabis is just another unhealthy way of hiding.
Of course it's different.
J
xxx
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
It's so painful to watch the destruction that drugs and alcohol cause in our loved ones. We can see it as clear as day - but they can't.
What I have learned, from attending Al-anon, is that the only person I can cure or control is me. As much as I want to help the alcoholic in my life, I am absolutely powerless over the disease - it is too powerful for me to cure, control, or fix.
I can, however, work my own program and detach from the devastation, chaos, and anxiety the disease causes in me. (this does not mean we have to detach from our loved ones - it just means that we no longer get so caught up in the chaos and drama of their disease)
Much love to you and your husband. There is a lot of hope and help available - free of charge - you can find it at an Al-anon meeting.
Also, keep coming back. The wisdom and support you find among the people here is wonderful.
Robin
What I have learned, from attending Al-anon, is that the only person I can cure or control is me. As much as I want to help the alcoholic in my life, I am absolutely powerless over the disease - it is too powerful for me to cure, control, or fix.
I can, however, work my own program and detach from the devastation, chaos, and anxiety the disease causes in me. (this does not mean we have to detach from our loved ones - it just means that we no longer get so caught up in the chaos and drama of their disease)
Much love to you and your husband. There is a lot of hope and help available - free of charge - you can find it at an Al-anon meeting.
Also, keep coming back. The wisdom and support you find among the people here is wonderful.
Robin
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR ... we are glad you found us.
I know how hard it is to communicate that the behavior is a problem, trust me though he will not respond till he is ready to though... all you can do is prepare and get support for yourself. Maybe try going to Al-anon, there are people that understand and who knows if he sees that your serious about this, by attending meetings, maybe he will get that your serious... who knows.
In his response to you about turning to religion vs his turning to drugs/Alcohol.
1. One is ALTERING the perseption the other is focusing inside without alteration.
2. One is AGAINST the law while the other is not.
3. If he is on antidepressants and is also self medicating .... perhaps he should give up one or the other.... both change the chemistry in the body... and so he could cause more harm to himself.
Bottom line though is ... You cant control it, you did not cause it and you cant cure it. But you can educate yourself and start working your program so your better able to deal with it.
I know how hard it is to communicate that the behavior is a problem, trust me though he will not respond till he is ready to though... all you can do is prepare and get support for yourself. Maybe try going to Al-anon, there are people that understand and who knows if he sees that your serious about this, by attending meetings, maybe he will get that your serious... who knows.
In his response to you about turning to religion vs his turning to drugs/Alcohol.
1. One is ALTERING the perseption the other is focusing inside without alteration.
2. One is AGAINST the law while the other is not.
3. If he is on antidepressants and is also self medicating .... perhaps he should give up one or the other.... both change the chemistry in the body... and so he could cause more harm to himself.
Bottom line though is ... You cant control it, you did not cause it and you cant cure it. But you can educate yourself and start working your program so your better able to deal with it.
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Wow JM, I know this guy you're talking about being with in 20 years, I'm married to him. Good news is he's in rehab and finally getting what I consider proper treatment and support for both his depression and alcoholism. But let me tell you a little bit of history...
My husband's depression started affecting him when he was in his early 20's and like you husband, depression runs in his family. Well he found that if he drank a few more beers that depressed feeling sort of went away, or was at least numbed. So he keeps on drinking them. But then he finds he needs more beer and more beer to keep the sad feelings away. And he also finds that if for some reason he goes a long while without the beer his hands start shaking and he really misses that "whatever" feeling he gets when he drinks the beer. Now he's depressed because he's so dependent on the beer but if he doesn't drink it he'll feel that depression. A viscious cycle has begun. Fasten your seat belts!
You said your husband was on zoloft. Well anti-depressants can't do their job properly if you're also indulging in alcohol. Says right on the bottle "Do not take with alcohol". Also, I'm of the belief that general practioners should not be prescribing anti-depressants. It should be done by a phsyciatrist and there should also be some sort of "talk therapy" involved.
I'm not trying to scare you but my husband's road to the proper treatment this time started off with a suicide attempt. I guess the 3rd time was the charm as this was his 3rd attempt.
My husband has been an alcoholic for around 25 years and for 24 of them he was a functioning one. The heartbreak of his daughter's rejection sent him down into the black hole of depression so he turned to stronger alcohol (vodka) to try to block it out. Turned him into a very, very depressed "skidrow" type of drunk
Ok, so what's my advice? See if you can get him to see someone who has experience in what's known as "dual diagnosis". If not then I'm sorry to say you and your husband may well be me and my husband in 20 years, if you last that long.
For you I suggest Alanon. Find out what will help to keep you sane BEFORE you're on the verge of going insane over it all.
I'll be praying for you and don't forget that we're here!
My husband's depression started affecting him when he was in his early 20's and like you husband, depression runs in his family. Well he found that if he drank a few more beers that depressed feeling sort of went away, or was at least numbed. So he keeps on drinking them. But then he finds he needs more beer and more beer to keep the sad feelings away. And he also finds that if for some reason he goes a long while without the beer his hands start shaking and he really misses that "whatever" feeling he gets when he drinks the beer. Now he's depressed because he's so dependent on the beer but if he doesn't drink it he'll feel that depression. A viscious cycle has begun. Fasten your seat belts!
You said your husband was on zoloft. Well anti-depressants can't do their job properly if you're also indulging in alcohol. Says right on the bottle "Do not take with alcohol". Also, I'm of the belief that general practioners should not be prescribing anti-depressants. It should be done by a phsyciatrist and there should also be some sort of "talk therapy" involved.
I'm not trying to scare you but my husband's road to the proper treatment this time started off with a suicide attempt. I guess the 3rd time was the charm as this was his 3rd attempt.
My husband has been an alcoholic for around 25 years and for 24 of them he was a functioning one. The heartbreak of his daughter's rejection sent him down into the black hole of depression so he turned to stronger alcohol (vodka) to try to block it out. Turned him into a very, very depressed "skidrow" type of drunk
Ok, so what's my advice? See if you can get him to see someone who has experience in what's known as "dual diagnosis". If not then I'm sorry to say you and your husband may well be me and my husband in 20 years, if you last that long.
For you I suggest Alanon. Find out what will help to keep you sane BEFORE you're on the verge of going insane over it all.
I'll be praying for you and don't forget that we're here!
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