JM1982

i've been married to my husband for 6 months now, living together for four years prior to that. he has been clinically diagnosed with depression, has a family history of mental illness (mostly depression - two other family members on medication) and has been taking zoloft for the past year. before he was diagnosed and started on medication, he had self-medicated for years, mostly with pot. prior to our relationship he did a lot of pot, as well as some hallucinagins, some minor alcohol, and tried a few other drugs. we got together, and he dropped back to just pot - not as often - and more alcohol.

i've been slowly talking to him about seeking treatment - he has not been talking to a psych, just getting the medicine through his family practice doctor. in the past year, he has not had much access to pot so he's been drinking nightly, 2-3 drinks/night. i know that total alcohol intake is not a lot, but it has gone up in the past year (couple times a week to nightly) and he's extremely defensive if i broach the subject. i believe that he's showing signs of the early stage of alcoholism.

also, if he does have any pot - it'll be months without any, then he'll get some from a friend - he cannot show any self-restraint with it. even if he plans to "ration" it so that it lasts for a while, he will basically smoke it until it's gone. we'll have a talk, he'll say that he realizes he cannot control it and he has a problem, and then next time we talk he'll say that he doesn't understand why i believe it's an issue (completely forgetting the discussion we had before).

i realize that i've been a facilitator.. my problem is that i hate the inevitable fight, and he sees any observations on my part as me trying to control him - something that he adamently hates. the doctor has told him how drugs/alcohol increase his depression, are bad with the medication, and just generally self destructive. but what my husband sees is that if he's smoking/drinking then he's feeling better.

again we had a talk last night, and again he raised a question that i don't know how to vocalize the answer to. please help if you have any ideas or have been here yourself:

he honestly doesn't understand how the zoloft - a drug prescribed to help with mood,etc - is any different than him self-prescribing with the drugs and alcohol. he doesn't understand why the amount that he uses is a problem at all - and my pointing out the warning signs doesn't help. when i say that he can't moderate it, so it's a problem, he just keeps asking why? he also asked the question why his turning to these things to fill a void is any different than my turning to religion and my faith - and i feel like the only answer i keep giving is "well of course it's different". how can i make this more concrete for him? in my mind it's so obviously different and a problem, but i'm having trouble getting that out in words to him.

i feel like i'm just complaining here.... my husband is my best friend, and i love him with all my heart. but i'm very worried that if we don't do something to help this now, then 20 years from now i will find myself married to a hard-and-fast alcoholic. i want to be able to help him find a way to help himself, both for him and for the future of our relationship.