Cathy31

What do you do when you make amends to someone and they are totally ungracious and start pointing out all the other bad things you did (even though are alcoholics too - not acknowledged - and have done terrible things to you that they have NEVER apologised for!?)

I made amends to my sister about something I had done when drunk (more like very hurtful things I said a few years ago)

Now, I need to preface this, I didn't do it as part of a step, I am sober a couple of months, and only just met a sponsor and only just starting step one. Maybe in there lies the issue!

So I didn't make amends as part of a step, but I felt real remorse for the first time about this particular incident, and wanted to apologise to my dad which I did and then thought about my sister and did same. (in writing they live on different continent)

Did I rush it? Reason I am asking is that she came back all UNGRACIOUS and MEAN SPIRITED and it's made me really cross, almost resentful. Should I have waited, so that I had an arsenal of tools to help me to rise above it?

I didn't reciprocate her nastiness or anything, but I feel almost distressed and resentful about it. She is a really awful selfish person and never takes responsibility for anything - so to throw this back in my face!?

Are there some stock phrases one could use as self talk - or even in response....ie I am sorry you feel that way but I can only apologise for my part...?

I am going to pray about it now but I hoped some of you might be able to shed some insight. This is new to me because everyone in mywhole life so far has been so supportive and wonderful. So for someone I find it hard to like anyway, to act like this is really difficult.

Thanks
Cathy31
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Time2Surrender

Sounds to me like you done your part.If you made an honest and sincere attempt to make ammends you done your part.Whether or not this person wants to accept your ammends is no longer your problem.Just my opinion.

Cathy31

Thanks T2S,
But is there something you can say to yourself or to them - like I did my bit. I feel so resentful about it. Any tips on how to get over that feeling - it kind of defeats the object!!!?? Maybe I am not ready yet for making amends if I expect a certain type of behaviour ( I don't mean applause - even silence would have been perfectly FINE - but criticism!?) I think I am answering my own question - I don't thnk I am ready to make amends with people like her - I am still at a stage where I allow my response to HER response send me off kilter!
Thanks T2S
CAthy31
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Time2Surrender

From my own experience I have learned some of these things wont happen over night.Some of us spent years hurting others and burning bridges,etc.We cant always expect someone to accept our appologies right away.Especially if we were drunk for years and sober only a short period of time.Stay sober and keep working the steps and more than likely she will forgive you when she is ready.In the mean time worrying about or having resentments about it will not do anything but hurt you.Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Cathy31

Yes, I know what you mean. What makes this doubly difficult is that she too is an alcoholic (not admitted it yet) and has caused SO much pain and anguish in our family that she has never deigned to apologise for. She has made my parents life hell, whereas I live far away and have really only gotten drunk once in front of them. So it's just ironic that Ms Destruction herself acts in this way. If it wasn't her, I'd say I would be able to accept it = but the injustice of it just irks me something terrible!
Must go and pray about it!
Thanks
Cathy31
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BaBa OReiley

the steps are in their order for a reason cathy, step 9 is far down the list so we can come to grips with ourselves before we try to clean our plates with others. and it says to make amends only when they won't hurt others or ourselves.

if we get caught off guard by others responses to our amends, and we hold resentments towards them, aren't we injuring ourselves?

it is good that you see where you might have wronged others and want to do the right thing, but remember that everything comes in time.

JaySee

Hi Cathy

Yes, don't worry about the amends at the moment. All will be very clear by the time you reach step 9. The other steps will prepare you for step 9. Keep close to your sponsor, run things past her and ask for some advice, just advice, don't make your sponsor your "higher power" and hand it all over to her

I admire your courage - if there were any of the steps I wasn't go to do - it was number 9 - boy I can remember sitting in a meeting in my early days, swearing blindly to myself that I would never do it ..... but you know what, when I got to step 9, I was ready to do it, and I've made amends to those I could - still have some to do - but they will happen when the time is right.

Talk with your sponsor about what happened with your sister.

You're doing just great !!

much love
JC

Cap3

Ditto to all the posts above.
Remember not everyone is well,and that they too could be spiritually sick.Pray for them.helps me too.
When making amends i have no expectations,of how others will respond.Its keeping my side of the street clean,and being free.To change.I cant change what happened.What i said what i did.But i can change now with the tools of recovery program.Its unfortunate that some didnt accept my amends.Some tried to use my past as a weapon over my head ,,to try and, maniplate me to do things that they wanted me to do.not that long ago.I made my amends to them years ago,.,.My,pass is over.A bucket of ashes,that i learn from..My pass is today a great access in helping others,today..I dont try to defend myself,or try to come up with something for them to see themselves with,its not about them .when others rip roar at me.I just make amends,listen to them, and let it go.Praying that, God will heal us both. Time.Healing takes time.My thoughts/feelings belong to me.Their thoughts/feelings belong to them.Step one,i am powerless,on how they will respond to my amends.Just keep on changing ,growing,learning a new way of life. Folks see the changes, in me today.And some still see me as i was,long ago..Its unfortunate that they still hold grudges,hurt from my past.But this is where they have still chosen to be,i guess.Some are sicker than others.And i cant pray enough for them,as they are still in yester-years.Being hurt by something that i cannot change,or take back.it all happened.I made my,heart felt, amendsAnd its over,.Its not about them,but my recovery.Next meeting you go to Cathy,look for a flyer called yesterday,today,and tomorrow.I carry this with me as a reminder.
Keep on keeping on,One day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!

Dan

Honestly making amends carries with it many responsibilities.
One of which is to accept what is returned.
I'll echo some of what was written above. We need much self work and introspective time before we can tackle such an important task as making an amend to a person we have harmed.
In our haste, we may simply aggravate things.
I know I did.
And the lesson I learned is that time does indeed need time.

Chy

As mentioned, the steps are in order for a reason. They prepare you for the ones to come. However, what is done is done. If it was something you needed to do then don't look back. When making amends it's simply to make things right on our behalf. Though we would like a nice cozy outcome a lot of the time it's just not the case and we get what you got. So work with your sponsor, follow your suggestions, I'll bet she has you do some work on this on your 4th and 5th steps. Let it go Cathy you can't own how she feels nor should you. You did your part. *hugs*

Cathy31

Thank you so much everyone. I have reflected on this alot today, and also managed to share with my sister how I felt. She knows I am going to AA and I told her that I wasn't yet at that point yet in stepwork jeez I am on step 1 still , but just wanted to I suppose apologise for that incident. Probably calling it 'making amends' is stretching it - I was just apologising for what I saw in hindsight as being hurtful behaviour on my part (she was wrong too, but I wanted to apologise sincerely for my part) So we are back on an even keel (as even as can be!!!) she understands I was upset about her reaction - I understand WHY she had that reaction.
Thank you for all that you have shared with me - each and every one of you are right, and this has been a really significant learning point for me. I need to do first things first. you've all helped me so much - I just met my sponsor a week ago and now she is in hospital for a hip operation and in a bad way, so your support is really really valuable at this time. The whole episode which started off positively made me feel so bad about myself - particularly that I was not able to just live and let live but got all resentful about it. It really showed me how much more work I have to do. But I know I can get there by doing the steps, living the program, engaging with a sponsor, being honest with myself and doing things step by step - easy does it!
I've learnt alot from today's events. SR is such an important part of my recovery, I know I'm still so much at the beginning!!!!! Thanks for the input, it really has helped me and I feel a whole lot better now. Yopu guys are great, thank you. I don't mind that I've realised, again, how far I have to go, it's comforting to know though that it won't always be like this, and I can learn to grow spiritually - next time around, even in the same circumstances I'll be better prepared.

Love,
Cathy31
xxx

Music

Being honest enough, and humble enough to make amends should be done when it's right to do, regardless of the steps. I don't have to wait to get to steps 8 and 9 before saying I'm sorry and making some changes. The way some people believe in working the steps(or not)that could take months or years.

I have to remember that when I make amends, it's a process of cleaning me out. It's a way of setting myself free. If the other person doesn't accept the amend, it's not my problem. My duty is to give an amend where or when it's due. If the other person decides to go off on some tirade, I sit and listen, thank them for the opportunity and leave. From then on, it's up to me to live up to that amend, making sure to never harm that person again. Just saying "sorry" doesn't cut it. I tell the person what I did, what I should have done, that I hope and pray I'll never do the same thing again. That's all I can do.

Don W

Cathy, You only have control of your own actions. You made amends, that is your part. The other person decides to accept or forgive, that is their part. Even if, you didn't have a drinking problem. Not everyone is going to forgive you. There are somethings we have to accept. However, you don't have to listen to hurtful thing from your sister or anyone else. Just simply say you are no longer that person, and I can only control future behavior. Sometimes, amends did get excepted for a long time.
Remember, we have to earn peoples respect and trust. Don W

3legacy

((((((((Cathy)))))))))
Echo most the other stuff and just mention to you that I had to make amends for my first attempt at amends to a brother before I was actually to that Step. LOL

Wonderful to see you growing so much here on the boards.

fuster

Well, Cathy, I admire your enthusiasm with your brief time thus far in recovery.

I too felt like I had to tell some folks about some things because it was eating at me, the first year I was in recovery. So I did. I guess the difference with me is that none of the recipients in my case were relatives or close friends.

You figured out yourself how this happened (you followed your remorse instead of following the Steps). Now you want to try to get through this in one piece. You will.

It is done. You can pat yourself on the back for apologizing, even if the timing or the delivery may not have been ideal. You have absolutely no control over how anyone reacts to what you say to them, other than trying to be delicate or diplomatic in the delivery. I think what you could try to think about is your ability to carry out the apology, and compare that to how you were before sobriety. Isn't that a good thing? Yes. Didn't you just scratch a couple of persons off your Step 9 list for amends? Yes, and that is positive too. Now your baggage has become lighter. The lighter the baggage, the easier the trip becomes. Right?

Seems to me one strength you may have is that you are getting some things done. Use that strength to plan your recovery. Getting things done is a necessary skill, and you have it. Now go look at your recovery plan. This situation is an opportunity for you to grow. Your sister has had the apology, that is your payment to her, she gets to spend it as she wishes. If I give someone a dollar, I can't put strings on it, they can spend it as they wish. Perhaps she has unresolved anger, but that is not your problem. Understandable, perhaps, but not your problem.

Maybe tell her when she is trashing you that she sounds like she is angry. If she admits she is, then you can tell her she has a right to feel angry but you are asking her to accept your apology. Of course she could say "no", but most folks, when faced with this request, will accept the apology and start to try to figure out what they will do with all that anger they have in their back pocket. That process will get her to focus on her anger instead of trashing you.

:nose :slaphead

lafever chris

I`m with you fellers, work the steps in order.


chris


P.S. Sometimes were so happy early on in our sobriety that we want everyone to know what they already knew, that we were out of control. What they really want for us is to stick with it.

Cathy31

WOW, you guys. I am just overwhelmed each time I post a thread and I get to experience all of your generosity in sharing your ESH. Thank you! This has been some learning for me!!

3legs, I ljust ove your quote Gosh we really do learn an AWFUL lot getting sober don't we!!! Whoever thought there was so much to getting sober in AA that WAS NOT specifically about NOT drinking alcohol!! WOW is all I can say.

And thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you - this is where I first discovered/learned/admitted that I was an alcoholic. All of you guys are just amazing.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cathy31
x

jlo34

Cathy,
When I got sober (each time!!!), I was living at home with my parents. My best amends to them was just staying sober and trying to learn a new way of living. I do have a pretty good attempt at amends to share though....

I was desparate for booze, one night. Our high school was having a dance (did I mention I was desperate for booze!?!?). My parents had taken my driver's license away, so I had arranged for a friend of mine to pick me up. My parents left before me for dinner, leaving me at home alone. I got a really bright idea...I went to the corner store (about a 1/4 mile walk each way) and bought a large bottle of rubbing alcohol. I went home and opened it up...just about puked at the horrid smell, but I was desperate...so, I grabbed a bottle of Coke and a glass. Filled the glass 3/4 full of rubbing alcohol (large glass) and 1/4 Coke, stirred it up...drank it down. Decided I needed to find a better way to drink this stuff...so I grabbed some hot cocoa mix, put that in a coffee mug, filled the coffee mug about 3/4 full of rubbing alcohol and the other 1/4 with water, put it in the nuker, and drank that down...disgusting...but starting to work....made a whole bunch of strange phone calls and thought I was somewhere other than where I was....my friend picked me up (took my bottle with me) and we went to the dance...dance went fine, bottle was gone, dance was over...in the parking lot, this guy I couldn't stand was coming up to my friend's car...I got this really bright idea, my friend was getting the snow off the car, I thought it would be hysterical if I used the car door and slammed it in his face (the dude I didn't like!). So, as I had predicted, dude came up to my window and waved at me...I grabbed the door and opened and shut it really fast (to find out later, I busted his nose and broke 2 of his teeth) and started laughing hysterically watching the blood run down his hand onto the snowy ground. Totally forgot all about this incident, until....a few years later, I was working in the same (grocery store) aisle with him, I looked down the aisle at him and it ALL came back. I wasn't sure if it was so or not, so I walked up to him and asked him if we had had an incident with a car door a few years back...boy did he get mad, real quick too!!! I apologized to him, he didn't really accept or deny the apology, but knew that wasn't the kind of person I was anymore, never talked with him again.

Thinking back, I can't believe I would ever do anything like that to anyone. I help people, I don't try to hurt them. It's a sad path alcohol took me to. I am ever so grateful that AA has brought me to where I am though. I am very grateful to have met so many fine folks here at SR as well.

Cathy, just keep trudging on. Action speaks so much louder than words.

My ex-husband (both of us in recovery) use to apologize and tell me he was sorry, over and over and over. I got sick of it. I started telling him to quit telling me he was sorry and show me. I'm not sure he ever got what I was saying. But action speaks so much louder than words. It's important for us to clean our sides of the streets verbally and to do the action as well. If I'm not willing to change my behavior, there is absolutely no reason for me to apologize unless I'm totally committed to changing the offending behavior. Just my experience.

Keep it up Cathy, you're doing great!!!

Love,
Jen

dickb

There are two ways of looking at amends - particularly if you are in Alcoholics Anonymous and wish to follow directions.

The first is best understood by reading the excellent discussion of the 9th Step in the Big Book. When you read it, I predict you will see that you go in a helpful and forgiving spirit. You tell the person your fault, and that's it. You don't go there for applause. You go there to clean up your side of the street. It is fairly common for us to want to tell the other person off while we are making "amends." But that defeats the purpose. It is not a campaign to reform the next person. It is a life or death effort to overcome alcoholism by confessing your part and sweeping that stuff out of your life, your thinking, and your conduct. That's tough when your brain is swirling around. But grab hold of your thinking, and put it to someone you can help, or what God has done for you, or where you can improve your own life.

The second is Biblical and comes from the roots of A.A. Those roots can be found in the Bible. Thus if you look at Matthew 7:1-5 - the source of the Step - you will see that you are to pull the log out of your own eye before you try to pull the speck out of your neighbor's eye. There's more, but that is foundational. And both Bob and Bill proclaimed that the Sermon on the Mount contained the underlying philosophy of A.A. Thus also the "golden rule" which follows in Matthew 7, decrees that you do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It does not say "do them." It says do as you would want them to do for you. Morever, Bill's 12 Steps came largely from the teachings of Rev. Sam Shoemaker as he taught Oxford Group principles. The Oxford Group strongly emphasized "restitution." It cited four different Bible parts (in Numbers, in Luke, and in Matthew) which make clear that restitution is about restoring, not correcting. It is about righting things in your own life and thinking, not about correcting another. It is about looking for, confessing, and correcting "your own part."

God Bless, Dick B.

Time2Surrender

Nice post Dickb.Welcome to SoberRecovery.Sounds like you might have a lot to contribute to this place.