Esh?!?!?
Cathy,
When I got sober (each time!!!), I was living at home with my parents. My best amends to them was just staying sober and trying to learn a new way of living. I do have a pretty good attempt at amends to share though....
I was desparate for booze, one night. Our high school was having a dance (did I mention I was desperate for booze!?!?). My parents had taken my driver's license away, so I had arranged for a friend of mine to pick me up. My parents left before me for dinner, leaving me at home alone. I got a really bright idea...I went to the corner store (about a 1/4 mile walk each way) and bought a large bottle of rubbing alcohol. I went home and opened it up...just about puked at the horrid smell, but I was desperate...so, I grabbed a bottle of Coke and a glass. Filled the glass 3/4 full of rubbing alcohol (large glass) and 1/4 Coke, stirred it up...drank it down. Decided I needed to find a better way to drink this stuff...so I grabbed some hot cocoa mix, put that in a coffee mug, filled the coffee mug about 3/4 full of rubbing alcohol and the other 1/4 with water, put it in the nuker, and drank that down...disgusting...but starting to work....made a whole bunch of strange phone calls and thought I was somewhere other than where I was....my friend picked me up (took my bottle with me) and we went to the dance...dance went fine, bottle was gone, dance was over...in the parking lot, this guy I couldn't stand was coming up to my friend's car...I got this really bright idea, my friend was getting the snow off the car, I thought it would be hysterical if I used the car door and slammed it in his face (the dude I didn't like!). So, as I had predicted, dude came up to my window and waved at me...I grabbed the door and opened and shut it really fast (to find out later, I busted his nose and broke 2 of his teeth) and started laughing hysterically watching the blood run down his hand onto the snowy ground. Totally forgot all about this incident, until....a few years later, I was working in the same (grocery store) aisle with him, I looked down the aisle at him and it ALL came back. I wasn't sure if it was so or not, so I walked up to him and asked him if we had had an incident with a car door a few years back...boy did he get mad, real quick too!!! I apologized to him, he didn't really accept or deny the apology, but knew that wasn't the kind of person I was anymore, never talked with him again.
Thinking back, I can't believe I would ever do anything like that to anyone. I help people, I don't try to hurt them. It's a sad path alcohol took me to. I am ever so grateful that AA has brought me to where I am though. I am very grateful to have met so many fine folks here at SR as well.
Cathy, just keep trudging on. Action speaks so much louder than words.
My ex-husband (both of us in recovery) use to apologize and tell me he was sorry, over and over and over. I got sick of it. I started telling him to quit telling me he was sorry and show me. I'm not sure he ever got what I was saying. But action speaks so much louder than words. It's important for us to clean our sides of the streets verbally and to do the action as well. If I'm not willing to change my behavior, there is absolutely no reason for me to apologize unless I'm totally committed to changing the offending behavior. Just my experience.
Keep it up Cathy, you're doing great!!!
Love,
Jen