Gb66

My AH has been drinking heavily almost daily for 35 years and I never dealt with it. About 18 months ago I started telling him he needed to get help and get better and told him I was doing Al-Anon. He ahre

Gb66

Sorry my dog knocked my arm and I guess I submitted my incomplete post!

My AH has been drinking heavily almost daily for 35 years. About 18 months ago I finally told him he needed help to get better and told him I was doing Al-Anon. He admits he drinks too much but nothing has changed. Instead he is being really nice to me and asking me questions about my day, friends etc. It is driving me crazy because It makes it hard to be angry and firm in my boundaries.

I guess I didn’t realize that after drinking so much for so long he could be this ‘normal’. It is almost like he has none of the effects I keep reading about. Last visit to the doctors before Covid he was given a clean bill of health even though he has the big, hard belly. He has a successful business and is respected by his peers. He can pretend he is fine up to a point but he is drinking so much to get to that point. I realize that it is our family most affected by it but how can he seem so healthy and normal?? I am sure it will all catch up with him but some days I have to wonder and then I start to think that I am making it worse than it is. I am currently waiting to see a lawyer to start working on my exit plan as I know I need to get things in place but sometimes it feels like I am over reacting.

Has anyone else dealt with a ‘nice’ drunk and did they eventually get mean like so many of you have dealt with?

trailmix

But he does have some of the effects you read about. Maybe not physically, yet, but emotionally, absolutely. He has a terrible relationship with your children and with you. He's quite happy where he is. People around, a normal kind of life, someone buys food and he gets to drink as much as he likes. What's not to like (from his point of view).

He's rallying the "niceness" because he has detected a change in you. This is really common. He doesn't want to upset the apple card so he is pleasant . That's not so hard.

You don't need to be angry to hold your boundaries you know. Those should be non-negotiable. In your previous posts you don't sound happy at all. I assume that hasn't changed? His behaviour, today, or tomorrow, isn't going to change that fact. Boundaries are for you, for your wellbeing.

From your previous posts:

So the latter quote was two years ago. What is "doing better"? He hasn't cut down on his drinking but he's attempting to be "nice". Is that enough for you? That's really the only question you need to answer.

I'm curious, when he asks about your day, your friends - etc. does he listen to your reply and remember any of it? Like if you say today didn't go that well, I went to so and so and this happened - does he follow up? If you bring something up again, does he remember?

Nd819

I am in the same spot, so I completely understand your feelings. I am constantly looking around, seeing that so many people I know drink a lot, then questioning myself as you do. Maybe it's not that bad? Maybe I'm just a fuddy duddy, maybe I need medication? I know these thoughts aren't healthy but I personally have not found my strength to take action yet.

Gb66

Trailmix, thank you for reminding me of those comments. It is so true that there has been a history of anger and I can’t believe I pushed that aside to focus on his ‘niceness’ which as you point out is really manipulation. I have changed and just go about my business and he is seeing me happier than I have been in a while. I am going to move forward as planned and remember to look back at my old posts when I begin to have doubts.

Nd819, when you said that you personally have not found strength to take action yet I realized that if I am honest with myself, I’m not either. I pretend I am but if I was, I would be long gone. Now that he is being nice I am thinking maybe I don’t have to go through with this but in my heart I know I do.

dandylion

Gb66......as the person continues drinking, the liver enzymes will increase to deal with the alcohol....as this happens, the "tolerance" to alcohol, increases----meaning that it takes longer for the person to act "drunk". Possibly, this could be the stage that he is in, right now. This doesn't last forever, though. UInder the continued strain of the alcohol---the liver will eventuall become less able to compensate for what is going on.

Gb.....were you actually in the room when the doctor toldd him that he had a clean bill of health? Dis you actually hear everything that the doctor said?
After working with patients for several decades, I can tell you that patients aren't always honest about "what the doctor said".
Sometimes they will artfully "rearrange" what was said---or mislead by omission of certain things

Gb66

Thanks Dandylion. You could be right and his tolerance has increased for now. Not sure why I find it so frustrating that his mood can be almost pleasant. I guess I just have to remember that things will eventually get worse.

I was not in the room when he talked to the doctor but I did see his lab results and it boggles my mind that his liver function results were all within normal range. One of my was high and I don’t even drink!

trailmix

So he's being "nice" but does that really change how you feel about the whole thing?

If where you are is where you want to be, well that's ok, but if it's not? He may be happy go lucky, but is this the relationship you want?

dandylion

Gb66.....I think it is always uncomfortablr for a person to hold two opposing images of the same person, in their mind.
On the one hand----you hold a strong image of a person that symbolizes everything you have ever anted---and, dedicated your whole life to-----and, on the other hand----you have dbeen exposed to everything that has hurt you and takes away everything that robs you of what you want.
I think that it might come close to---or, is similar to what we call "cognitive dissonance" ..Very, very incomfortable, mrntally.

You are really not unusual in feeling this way----members talk about this dillema, all of the time, on this forum.

Sueby

There is a quote that I’ve heard many times in the horse show world that I feels applies to life as well, “sometimes the fear won’t go away, so you’ll have to do it scared”.

LovelyKaya33333

Hi I echo what trailmix has said about being nice because he can sense a change in you. Also from my experience the decline in physical health can be quick once it starts... I think about it like teeth... you could be getting a cavity for years and left untreated ....bam all of a sudden a root canal.... Also he may be being nice right now... but remember active alcoholics change with the wind when it comes to how they feel and cope.

Spiderweb

Do you journal? It is a great way to keep track of what he has done and how it makes you feel. I would suggest starting this habit so that you aren’t so easily swayed by him when he is being “nice”. And write down the bits about him being nice too. Sounds like this comes after you pull away or stick up for yourself. My ex would do this too and plan a fun trip etc right after he knew he did something awful. It’s a game and not genuine. It really helps to look back at your journal weeks, months, years later and see how things really were. We want things to work out so badly we can deny our reality.

slimjim30

I was always a nice drunk. I actually became grumpier when I quit.

I have never been violent with ANYONE. I drank to take away the pain of life and it worked for a long time. When it stopped working it took another long tim to quit, but I did it (7 years ago).

After 35 years of heavy drinking he needs to get a full medical checkup. Alcohol poisons the whole body. Some damage can be recovered if it's not too late.