Gb66.....I think it is always uncomfortablr for a person to hold two opposing images of the same person, in their mind.
On the one hand----you hold a strong image of a person that symbolizes everything you have ever anted---and, dedicated your whole life to-----and, on the other hand----you have dbeen exposed to everything that has hurt you and takes away everything that robs you of what you want.
I think that it might come close to---or, is similar to what we call "cognitive dissonance" ..Very, very incomfortable, mrntally.
You are really not unusual in feeling this way----members talk about this dillema, all of the time, on this forum.