cusper

I was ok for a while but today my son started school and my anxiety went through the roof. I was looking forward to getting back to work (I work for myself-but took time off because my son was home during covid) but today I just could not get started. Then I thought I was having all of these symptoms... which, if I am forced to think about it feels very much like PAWS. It's this feeling like I am not very motivated and then I get very focused on my body and all that feels off about it. I went to go pick up my son and I started to feel dizzy and I had a panic attack while walking to pick him up. I had this extreme panic, thinking, "am I going to make it to pick up my son?" "Am I going to fall over?" I managed to talk myself off the ledge and calm down however I just feel very unsettled today. Maybe it has to do with covid and my son going back to school and my worries. All of it feels overwhelming. Over all I feel a mix of anxiety, lack of excitement for the future and constant worry for my son and his future. Life feels so restrictive now in general since covid and I have no intention of drinking because I don't want to go back to day one and start the process all over again, just having some rough days lately.

tomls

I think we all do that. Some worse than others. I have so many ups and downs but the most important thing I have learned is patience. Best wishes!

Introvrtd1

Hi cusper, 8 months n change here too…I can relate to the pawsy feelings of anxiety this far in the game…I often think I should be totally fine at this point but I still get sleepless nights, and feelings of anxiety and panic from time to time….


Good news is it’s not as intense or as frequent as it used to be like the first n second months…

We still have that to be thankful for coming this far…Still got aways to go like a book I read once said…Takes anywhere from a year or two before things get much better… Hang in there…So will I and keep posting here and reading for encouragement and support.

dustyfox

Cusper - don't underestimate how draining the school holidays, lockdown, and covid have been for you. It's exhausting ! I relate t the feeling of being over whelmed by it all and the anxiety that goes with it. As a parent you are on constant alert anyway so couple that with quitting drinking then it is a minefield of stress!
While your son is at school try and give yourself some time to just relax, easier said than done I know, But just a short walk, listening to some music, cup of coffee or whatever you enjoy is what you deserve. 5 minutes peace. All the worries about the future are too much to think about all at once. I agree with Introvrtd - posting here helps hugely.

stickyone

Congratulations on the 8 months of recovery. I've been working throughout the entire pandemic. Today I work in day 481 of recovery. I've experienced everything you are talking about. I was fortunate enough to be able to support my wife and she could stay home with the children when the school have closed for distance learning. My wife just had returned back to work and my child at school. My kid loves it my wife is dealing with much anxiety. It will take time to adjust with the new normal in this world. Getting sober during the pandemic there was a lot of up and downs but I am grateful for the hard times I have overcome. It helped me to prepare for high risk situation I had to be in. Hope everything works out.

cusper

Thanks Intrvrtd,

Wow we are around the same time! It's true... I have been sober for longer in the past and I know then it took about a year and a bit to be over the PAWS. True, it is much better than the first 3 months for sure. This time it seems to have hit and my coping mechanisms were at an all time low. Also, today when I was walking home with my son I know it's important to be strong in front of him so he doesn't feel t anxiety. So when I had the chance I hid upstairs and posted. How often do you have these kinds of episodes now? I can feel mine coming and it's usually when I am out for a walk that I get them, it almost starts with apathy, then dizziness then panic! Thank you for writing to me. It really helps to meet people at around the same sobriety date too. And I agree, I do feel grateful everyday that I have made it this far and grateful to be able to reach out for help instead of turning to drinking.

cusper

Hi Dustyfox! I started crying when I read your message. My son has some special needs and my worry is a bit on overdrive because he does have challenges making friends and he is also an only child. We have been cooped up in this house basically for a year and a half. In ways I think I am also a helicopter parent and worry about his wellbeing constantly. Or maybe that is just being a parent. I had all of these big plans for today but then I felt a bit paralyzed. I really did try to just relax and take it in but then guilt sets in for not being productive.... it's conflicting and kind of ridiculous. It really does help to post. I feel a little better just being able to talk it out on here. Thank you for writing to me.

Introvrtd1

About every beginning of the month, and it usually peaks every few days around that time….yeah weird I know…and it doesn’t make much sense as things at this point should be getting far better than Im describing.

Again, not as intense as the months go by but still just as annoying..The frequency hasn’t changed all that much but it’s tolerable.

Yeah we have to hang in there. See ya soon

Dee74

I understand you being worried about things Cusper. Sometimes I have to stop looking at the news/social media for a few days - it doesn't solve all my worries but it does some.

D

cusper

Hi Stickyone!

Wow 481! Congratulations, you must have gotten sober at the very beginning of the pandemic. Now that is quite amazing and working through it the whole time. And yes, one of the many reasons I got sober was to be able to be fit enough to handle any situation and be ready if someone needed me. Sometimes I realize when one of my friends calls me late at night, hey I'm sober and I can actually be of assistance to this person because I am not drunk. It's a very good feeling. I do feel like I am in a similar position as your wife. Being home all of this time can also contribute to some fears when the news is not good out there. I know my son probably will prefer school to home soon enough, these next few weeks will just be a bit of an adjustment. Glad to hear you were able to conquer the high risk situation sober. I love hearing that it's just all the more motivation to keep on course. Bye for now, and thanks for your message.

cusper

Yes Dee I agree, If I stay off social media and the news I am far better. I think I ramped up the listening because my son was going back and I was concerned about the numbers going up and what that was going to mean. However, there is not much we can do except what we have been doing already. I do feel better since I posted. It has really helped to talk it out instead of just pacing around today.

Dee74

I'm glad

D

SoberLeigh

Very nice to see you, cusper. Well done on 8 months of sobriety.

I cannot begin to imagine how stressful this COVID nightmare has been to you and to other people with young children; back-to-school, with COVID still around, is a mixed bag, for certain. I am worried for my grandkids.

It is good that you are posting about your feelings; it helps to share.

Are you still painting?

stickyone

You will get through these hard times. If you're going through it the best you can do is grow from it. For my wife I tried to prepare her of how things have changed. I would get a response too man up. Lol
Sometimes I need that but. The funny thing was when she had returned back to work all the obstacles I complained about she was dealing with. I just had to say it once man up. Lol But jokes aside I show empathy and provide guidance the best I can.

cusper

Thank you Tomls, yes, I think as an alcoholic I was used to the instant relief of the drink and now finding other coping mechanisms at times can be overwhelming. I do feel much better since I posted.

cusper

Soberleigh! Nice to see you too! Yes, my son is such a lovely boy with some struggles of his own already and to have further isolation from kids for so long has really taken its toll. We've had a good cry together because he gets lonely for friends and my heart breaks for him sometimes. For ages the playgrounds were all taped off and the kids couldn't even go to the park! and he is a hugger and found it really difficult not to go and hug his friends. I just hope that covid won't get too bad so that he can stay at school and be safe. How old are your grandchildren? How are they doing through all of this?
I am still painting! It was my full time job until covid but I've been really lucky because through covid people have been buying lots of art and prints since no one is travelling they are all renovating their living spaces so I have been fortunate for sure. I am going to do an art calendar again this year. It's a fun thing to do and makes art affordable too. I hope you are keeping well. Thank you for writing in. I really needed it today.

cusper

stickyone, I love "man up!" I say that to myself too. I like it because it snaps me out of the headspace, like, you have no choice, do it! Someone wrote on here once and it was a thread titled "No one Is coming to save you" and I always think about it and it just makes me accountable and somehow less emotionally entangled thinking that it's all crashing down. Look see, it's half a day later and I am in a much better frame of mind. Haha and I bet your wife gave you the raised eyebrow!

SoberLeigh

My grands are in elementary and middle school. One of my grands had to isolate as he had a close exposure with a COVID positive classmate. They live in a state where school began in early August. All of them much prefer in-classroom learning and had a hard time, like your son, not being able to see friends.

Hopefully, we can all return to some sense of normalcy soon.

Stay safe. Stay close; lean on us.

It is really good to see you.

stickyone

I didn't get the raised eyebrow. But I did go to bed hungry and lonely on the couch. Lol I say it too myself aswell. I used be motivated this be motivated that. And it was okay but for me. motivation just gets you started and discipline is what keeps you going. I would spend days procrastinating then waiting for the motivation which never came . So I had to take accountability why was not reaching my to goals. I implemented non negotiable task that needed to be done along with self care.

mayabee

I tend to be anxious and obsess about things. I meditate and the following is a quote about thoughts that come in during meditation. I like to remind myself of this for times other than during meditation when I let obsessive thoughts and worries torment me.

Leave your front door and your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't serve them tea. Shunryu Suzuki
Of course, in addition to serving them tea I have a tendency to invite those obsessive thoughts to sit down for a three course meal.