Beachn

Hi everyone…I’m back.

It’s been almost 3 years since my first post and while some things have changed many have not. Since 2019 my wife has relapsed 6 times, each progressively worse and in a strange twist of fate I am being blamed for them all. Surprise!

She is in AA, even hosts a meeting via zoom, but has done so high for the last year and very drunk on several occasions. Fired her sponsor 6 months ago, and has relapsed 3 times since then. Always the vodka. What is it about vodka?

This last one may have caused the most damage. I have a 22 year old daughter that I haven’t seen in 7 years due to parental alienation who contacted me late last year out of the blue. (As many professionals said she would). Our communication has been pretty amazing as up until she evaporated from my life we had a great relationship and we just picked up where we left off.

A couple of weeks ago she called me crying because she and her boyfriend broke up and she was having roommate problems. So I offered to fly her out to see us for a week and she agreed. I felt like a father to her again and was excited to see her. It was going to be a great union, or so I thought.

Soon as we arrived from the airport my wife was in another relapse and drunk as a skunk, started smoking weed with her on the deck. When I protested they both said it’s just weed what’s the big deal? Dammit her we go.

My daughter went to sleep and when she woke up her and my wife were inseparable, and they began drinking. At 1 am when I woke to an empty bed I went looking for them and found my wife and her in the basement. Rolling joints and shotgunning white claws. My wife was clearly trashed. I got pissed and this time my daughter attacked me. I explained my wife is an alcoholic and she was the last person she should be drinking with. Instead of seeing things for what they are my daughters said she was disappointed in the person I had become. I was shocked, what in the hell is going on?

This went on for another day, except the next night they were driving around, my wife drunk, smoking pot and buying booze at target. Again they were up until 4 in the morning. My wife sleeping in until late, ignoring all responsibilities. That morning I got a text from my daughter telling me she wanted to leave early. When I went to talk to her about it, she began telling me the crazy stuff my wife had been doing.

From the moment my daughter arrived my wife was bad mouthing me, telling her everything I had ever done wrong and inventing a few in the process. She said my wife was acting terrified of me which is why she believed her and why she attacked me the first night when I confronted them about getting high and drinking. In a nutshell my wife deliberately sabotaged my reunion with my daughter in a very vicious and evil way and I have no idea why, except she’s a disgusting drunk. She also contacted my child alienating ex and they hatched a plan for my wife to book flights for her and the kids to her mothers without telling me. The power of manipulation and lies is impressive. She was gonna sneak off and take my children from me. She ultimately cancelled my flights before I knew anything about her plans, but still she had the intention of taking my children from me.

This next part is twisted. My wife is trying to blame it all on my daughter, that she had some twisted plan to break up our marriage. Accused my daughter of recording her while she was blasting me and then…my wife said my daughter looked her square in the eye and said I was the most dangerous man in the world and they should murder me in my sleep. That she would take the fall. My daughter denies this ever happened and was shocked at how crazy my wife had become.

The next day my wife bailed and left the state to go to her enabling mothers out of state. Leaving the kids without explanation. As I was cleaning up the house I found over 40 empty mini bottles of vodka, crown and cans of premixed margaritas hidden in the laundry room, bathroom and closet. (Did you know you can hide a mini bottle of vodka in and empty toilet paper roll? Well now you do. ). This is where she folds laundry and hosts meetings drunk. The picture was becoming clearer.

This will be the 7th time in 3 years that my wife has left our family home due to alcoholism. 4 detoxes, 2 rehabs and now this. Each time I’m left to manage it all, the business the household and then blamed for her alcoholism. She has shown no remorse for what she has done. Zip. Nada.

I think I hate her, but am so apprehensive about being a single father to two children under 10 that I haven’t taken any steps to gtfo of here. My codependency is in full force, fighting for its very existence, as I’m crispy and exhausted of this life and am desperate. I’ve hit my bottom.

Now what? It’s obvious I have to file, but the coward in me doesn’t want to give up and start anew. what is wrong with me?

For the last 3 years, I’ve been in a deep depression because of the things she’s done that I just can’t get over and there’s the constant anxiety about when the next relapse is going to happen. It’s no way to live and I need a better life.

SparkleKitty

Beachn, I am so sorry this is happening. Have you considered the fact that, for all intents and purposes, you already ARE a single parent to those kids?

Beachn

Hi Sparkle,

In all fairness the one area my wife seems to keep fairly…fairly… intact is motherhood when she’s sober. It’s only during relapse. Ha only.. that she abandons everything for the booze. But you’re right. There’s been enough of these relapse. Some lasting a month that make me the single parent during this time and during the initial recovery.

I’ve got issues to address, obviously. Years, 7 now, of dealing with an alcoholic will turn you inside out. Hell, I don’t even recognize myself most days and wonder why I’m tolerating this crap. I’m trying to figure what I’m getting out of this relationship and so far it’s not things I’m proud of.

Cookie314

It sounds like a really difficult and stressful situation. No one should have to deal with their own kid being turned against them. I agree it sounds like it's time to file, but I understand how difficult that is to do.

What helped me was to take a more systematic approach, and bring support along. My sister and I went through my past messages to her and family, and made a time line of important events. Times my AH and I had a serious argument, or if he stormed off to a hotel for a week long binge, or went to detox, etc. You don't have to go super detailed for each event, the idea is to make more of a time line.

Then we moved focus onto finding an attorney I liked. I reached out to other professional contacts (in this case the attorney we used for closing our house) and asked her for advice. While divorce wasn't her field, she was able to direct me to a couple of choices she knew personally she thought would be a good fit. After doing research on them, we chose one and went in. Ofc your search method will likely be different, but you get the idea. In this case you are definitely going to want a proper attorney to protect your interests. You may be able to use a mediator for some things the two of you agree on, but from the sounds of it your wife will be incredibly antagonistic, and you'll need to protect yourself.

Finally we gathered our important documents and funds for the attorney. Things like the time line we'd created, identification, marriage certificate, etc. I would call ahead to ask what you need. We (my sister and I) went to speak with her together. Even though I did most of the talking, having her there to help me keep on track and fill things in was really helpful.

My point in listing these steps is it really helps me to focus down to the individual steps I need to take in these instances. I get very caught up in the fear and what-ifs of leaving my AH, and constantly question myself, and try to rationalize staying together. But I know separating right now is what's best for both of us, so instead of letting myself get overwhelmed by the whole, I try to break it down into small, manageable pieces. Focus on the little things you can do right now, and keep moving forward a bit at a time. Reach out to your support network of friends, family, counselors, coworkers (you'll have to decide on this one ofc, in my case my supervisor knows what's going on and is helpful when I need time off as sh*t hits the fan), etc. Surround yourself with the people who care for you and support you, and keep pushing on.

SparkleKitty

I hear you. I would respectfully offer that your wife isn't "relapsing" so much as not drinking every day. Relapse implies recovery. There's no recovery here (despite the performance she puts up. You know this, though.

Not knowing when they will get sober mom or drunk mom is just as damaging as always having drunk mom, just in a different way. If you are not ready to leave, please consider counseling for your kids (whether they want it or not, and whether they seem to need it or not). The dysfuncton of children of alcoholics (and codependents) is often invisible, and runs deep.

Beachn

Cookie thank you for that. Small steps are better than none. I’m ambivalent and delusionally hopeful without any valid reason. Fear is a paralyzing g emotion, but one I must conquer.

Sparkle,

Yes, I know there is no real recovery. Smoking pot from sun up to sundown is not recovery while not drinking. As it leads to attending ( remotely) & hosting meetings high and drunk, which is certainly not recovery. Blaming me is not recovery.

Because of guilt and a sense of obligation I have, until now, believed I am the reason she relapses. But as you said it’s not really a relapse as opposed to a period of not drinking.

She is scheduled to fly back tonight, and my stomach is in knots. How in the world did I ever allow a person to impact me so heavily? It’s terrifying to think I subjugated my life and my children’s lives to this for so long. I hate addiction and alcoholics.

mylifeismine

UGH Beachn, there is a great deal of dysfunction going on here and I feel
sorry for your kids. They are being impacted by this and it is just another part
of your denial if you believe otherwise, it really is the truth.

It's NOT ok for your wife to host meetings drunk & high. Can you inform her
sponser or the organization she is hosting meetings for? (remain anonymous)

Please consider alanon and counseling for yourself and counseling for your
kids with someone educated in addiction. Have you been to alanon?

We can't control it, cure it, and we don't cause it. We don't have the power.
If we had that kind of power, well we'd just make them stop for good, right?
Thinking we are to blame is what I call stinking thinking.

You can change this for you & your kids. Get yourself a great support system,
alanon sponser & alanon friends, counselor, educate yourself so you can see the
big picture and help yourself & kids out of this chaos.

Hawkeye13

This is not a tenable situation for you or the kids. Please listen to your instincts that you need to file and proceed-small steps are the way to start—fear of the unknown is understandable, but the he-ll you and kids are living is far worse than you as a stable parent in a quiet, safe, stable home will be.

So sorry you have continued to endure this—agree kids should be in therapy no matter what—and you need additional support face-to-face as well.

trailmix

Sometimes when we have lived in a dysfunctional place long enough or dealt with it long enough, some things that are truly well beyond any line happen and we brush past them.

This is one of those things. She is NOT ok, she is not safe to be around you or your children. Anyone who would say this is not ok. The idea that this would even cross her mind is disturbing. I assume that your Daughter is trustworthy, or perhaps more trustworthy than your wife? I would proceed cautiously with both really.

No matter who said it, someone THOUGHT it. They thought about murdering you in your sleep. I hope you sit with that for a while and really let it sink in.

That should scare you, even more than being a single parent.

You need support, you need to keep doing the next right thing for you and your kiddies. Have you looked to your community for any of this? There are probably resources in the community that you would be eligible for. Subsidized child care for instance should you decide to leave.

As for the mini bottles, it seems to me that isn't something you do when you are openly getting smashed? Those may well be something to get by when she is "sober".

I feel like my post is very negative, I don't mean to make you feel worse, I just don't see any light in this picture.

dandylion

Beachn.....you have done a ggod job of listing your wife's information---as well as her rehabs, and failures at sobriety.

What about your program of treatment for yourself---and, what about your support team? Who is exactly on it and how often do you meet with each of them?
Of course, the roots of the co-dependency that you speak of, has, with almost certainly, the beginnings in your early life---and takes digging into your past life with a qualified therapist. This takes some time, by the way---probably, about two or so years. No doubt, you brought your own personal baggage into your marriage. We all have some baggage.

I hope that you will actually answer those above questions---because I believe that the answer to your questions ----"What is wrong with me?" are contained within those answers.
You need a TON of support in order to do what you know that you need to do! You need ongoing, face to face, intensive support and direction---and lots of support.
You need, easily, as much of a program of treatment, support, and help as you wife does. When you don't have it--your job is to find it and use it. That is what will actually help you.
It goes without saying that the kids need help under the direction of a qualified child counselling.

I have spent all of my life helping people with medical and emotional problems---and the thing that I have observed over and over and over....it is this---Those who are open and willing to seek and accept the most help are the ones that get the most better. Furthermore, the most important factor in the healing process is the presence of human relationships---actual human connection with healthy and compassionate caring others.

While we are more than happy to be here and support you---it takes more than just us, alone. You need to be in front of professional mental health workers and a community of a support group and legal advisors---as well as personal friendships.
It is simply too much to do alone.

I was a single mother of three small children for several years---it is not any harder than living with a toxic partner---in fact, it was easier and more fun for me and the kids. There are millions and millions of single persons who are raising kids. It can be done, and it can be done successfully, with the right kinds of help.

You might think that this is a Dutch Uncle talk. It sure is. Because I think that you are in need of it.
i hope you will take it to heart.

Beachn

Been in therapy a while now also have a sponsor. I typically stay on my side of the street but these last couple months have been too much for me. The last 2 weeks specifically.

I realize how dysfunctional it all is and I post to vent, catalogue events for future reference and to get feedback from those with tons of experience. Apparently this is some scary ****, and I AM scared for myself and children.

Attorney appointment made, just got off therapy call and was encouraged to file a police report.

Enough is enough.

DiggingForFire

I am happy to hear you are pushing forward. It is better for your kids to have one solid parent than two wrapped up in this alcoholic chaos.

I know solo parenting is scary, but honestly, it is easier. I had one kid with my alcoholic ex, and one kid entirely by myself after I left him. It seems crazy but it’s actually easier parenting two children completely alone than it was coparenting one with him in the house. When the chaos subsides you will be shocked at how much effort it was and how much it was taking from you.

dandylion

I totally concur with DiggingForFire---because that was my experience, also.

woodlandlost

Hi Beach

Sorry to hear about the last drama. Pretty frustrating, craymaking by the sounds of it. You have always seemed like a pretty strong person. I wish you well on the actions you are taking.

Beachn

Thanks for the replies and the privilege of posting here. I typically only do so when I’m thoroughly pissed and need to vent. When I calm down it’s enlightening to reread my posts and the replies from a more reasonable state of mind.

Talking with my sponsor lately about my desire to control a person and situation completely out of control and my control has been invaluable. I cannot control her, her disease or her actions I can control my response to them. He also told me I’m not to blame, you can’t make an alcoholic drink, but can certainly make them thirsty. When I accept I’m more miserable with her than afraid of starting anew I’ll jump. As he said, I’ll know when I’ve had enough.

Therapist say trauma can paralyze your decision making process. I am the poster child for that concept as I keep vacillating and in doing so I get frustrated with myself, and angry at her.

Discussing my options with an attorney has made it clear I will probably have a fight on my hands, even with so much evidence of out of control alcoholism, the laws are against men when it comes to custody. I had a perfect window of opportunity when she bailed and blew it. Sure there are devices and such to ensure sobriety during visitation but I won’t get to see my kid’s everyday. Sucks.

Alcoholism is a crazy powerful disease that only professionals, or those with long term sobriety can help address. Me trying to play God, hasn’t, isn’t and will never work. It’s her fight not mine, but she’s creating so much havoc it’s screwing up my life and our children’s lives one mini bottle (or dozen) of vodka at a time.

Im getting there, piece by piece.

dandylion

Beachn......sometimes, we build up things so much in our own imagination that we come to be more afraid than we need to. I know that I have done that so many times...when my worry and fear were much worse than the actual event.
Sooo many times. the alcoholic parent will lose interest in visitation after the first little while. Children tend to cut into their "Me" time. lol...alcoholics are quite big on me time.
When I divorced my first husband---the father of my three small children---he lost interest in having the children very much. He was not an alcoholic--but he was a critical and narcissistic jerk. I got the custody---which meant that I could make major decisions about the kids---But, I gave him as much visiting time as he would want.
After a short time, he lost interest.

I found out that it is sooo much easier---especially, emotionally, when one doesn't have a difficult partner to deal with. For me---it was like being let out of prison! The kids and I really enjoyed ourselves!.

Amaranth

I'm sorry beachn to hear about what you have been going through. My ex husband told me about 9 months ago that he had been thinking a lot about killing me. I don't for a minute think he will ever do it but it has messed with my head in unexpected ways....... I have nightmares, I had an extreme reaction to a workman turning up unannounced, I'm jumpy if I hear a noise in the night.
when he said it I went immediately no contact. My kids are older so there is no need to talk to him about the kids anymore. I see for you that would be more difficult to navigate because your kids are younger.
For me, he crossed a line. The trust is completely broken and I did for many years trust him with my life. I can't have him anywhere near me anymore.
Regardless of what your wife does now.... continues to drink, detox, recovery...... doesn't matter. I think it is unhealthy for you and therefore for your kids for you to share a space with someone who has had these thoughts.
You may tell yourself she only said it because she was drunk or she doesn't mean it or she would never do it but it will be there in the back of your mind and it will affect your behaviour.
Put your self first. Your physical and emotional safety. That's the best thing that you can do for your kids.

trailmix

You'll see it here in the forum and I have also done this. Where you stay in a situation for a long time because you can't make a decision, the decision is painful and you wait until you reach a point where you can't take it anymore and then you act.

It's easier in many ways to wait. While it still might hurt when you leave, you felt you had no choice. You had reached breaking point and had to leave. This can, seem less painful than just walking away from the situation that you have been accustomed to.

Regardless of when you leave, the same things will be in play.

So I think wisdom tells us that when we are at that place, we should drop the rope and run now, however you may well not take that advice, I certainly haven't in many cases, so I understand, I'm sure many of us haven't.

My concern with making decisions that way is if you are at, let's call it point A. right now, what kind of shape will you be in when you do get to point B? I see that a lot here, where someone is so beaten down by the life they are living, by the insults, the emotional wear and tear, the sadness, that leaving just seems like an incredibly high hurdle, it's too much - I am carrying this huge burden already, where am I going to get the courage and strength to leave?

So, if you can't bring yourself to leave right now, I really hope you will start distancing yourself emotionally from this relationship. As long as you are participating you are just in for more and more hurt. If by some miracle she gets sober next week, for good, well you can revisit engaging in a relationship again. You may already be close to point B, I don't know, but I hope not.

Beachn

Thank you for this post. Sums it up nicely. Pretty sure I’ve been at B for a couple years now. Depressed, numb, angry and of course fearful of the future and pissed about the past.. so much so that I’m rarely in the moment.

I’m mid 50s with two kids under 10, wife not yet 40. I have no family left, my friends are several states away. Hell I don’t even trust my oldest daughter because of her drinking and drugging and the whole let’s murder him in his sleep ******** and trying to coerce my wife to take off with my kids while she was blackout. I’m getting bugged out writing this. WTF?

We moved here at end of 2018 for business and the alcoholic crap hit the fan. I collapsed mentally and just as I started my recovery journey in earnest covid hit shutting down everything.

My life, business and marriage are so screwed due to alcoholism and codependency I doubt my ability to rebuild it, and my ability to start anew.. let alone a social circle. I believe she’s all I have and may ever have. That’s a dangerous belief and one I’m working on, daily.

I will add that guilt is also anchoring me to this life. I’m “suppose to” be wiser and stronger than I’ve behaved and if I had been none of this would have happened. Irrational, but rooted in the stereotypes that were drilled into me as a child.

Acting like a victim is very much a part of my story. As is trying to control every outcome, sometimes in ways I’m not proud of.

This is all embarrassing to admit, but first awareness, then vigilance my sponsor says.

Eauchiche

When I was 53, I just wanted to die. I was still with my ex, drinking and facing bankruptcy.
I turn 62 this month. I have 7-1/2 years sobriety, my own house and a new career. I have a healthy, supportive circle of friends.

If you get the splinter out, the infection will heal.