dandylion

Beachn.....a am sending you the following link that you might find some value in. (or not...lol)
It is about ingrained messages that we "repeat" to ourselves hundreds of times a day---so frequently that they are practically autopilot thoughts---governing our feelings and behaviors.
Wow.....based on what you have shared with us, I can imagine that your own self-talk must contain large amounts of swill. "I am a victim--I am weak--I am helpless--there is no point in trying---I have nothing---I am a failure---it will never change---I am incapavle of facing adversity....etc..etc...etc."

A lot has been researched and written about self talk and the effects on self esteem.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...2&&FORM=VDRVRV

trailmix

I'm glad you posted that, it is important to be aware. She isn't all you have nor all you will ever have. I hope when you think that you say - that's not true. It's so important to call ourselves on the negative self talk, it can be so damaging.

But, for arguments sake, let's pretend it were true. Let's say you packed up the kids, moved out tomorrow and filed for divorce. Now it's just you and the kids and your floundering business. How much worse it that than where you are now?

It's not! Imagine coming home from being out and having peace and quiet. Kids are in daycare, you are working on building your business and all is well. The house is as you left it. You pick up the kids from daycare and head to McDonalds for a happy meal. How terrible would that be?

The strength and peace of mind you sacrifice to alcoholism every day doesn't need to be wasted. You are stronger than you know, you have just been in this for so long you can't see it, I understand that. So decided, undecided, doesn't matter, scared, doesn't matter, all you need to do is start taking the next right step for you and the kids. More will be revealed, you can't reveal that right now, you have no crystal ball.

So start planning, where can you go, where can she go (if she will agree to leave instead), if she wants to fight you for custody in court, so be it, she will need to be sober for that, so perhaps that is also not as bad as you envision.

First things first - where can you go to start fresh?

Beachn

Thank you for the.. ahem.. thoroughly honest replies. I needed to hear them and I need a new therapist. This person has allowed me to justify my behavior and attitudes and has never held me accountable.

That Inner critic has kicked my ass and permitted me spread my toxic bs all over the place. Enough.

A few days ago I decided to stop complaining, bitchin and moaning about things and you know what? There’s nothing constructive in my life to talk about except my children who deserve so much more. It’s a hard reality.

My sponsor suggested a role play and had me answer some questions from the viewpoint of my 9 year old. It was eye opening and motivating. Two very toxic parents creating a unhealthy and unstable home.

I’m over myself.

FallenAngelina

May I ask what kind of sponsor you have? Are you in a program?

Hawkeye13

Good work! Be proud of this breakthrough, and even more importantly, act on it while you have momentum. You can do it—

SparkleKitty

Really proud of you Beachn. This stuff is so hard. Keep your eyes open. We're here to support you.

AlcSis

Hi Beachn.
Sorry/glad you are back. (I am too, after a not so brief hiatus).

I WAS married to an alcoholic. (WAS) Became a single parent, although they were not as young as your children are. (I stayed too long; both are damaged; one child is an addict. The other is super co-dependent.) 😞

I am also an ACOA. (Adult Child of Alcoholic). And have my own set of issues - but workin' on them.

*****Your issues are complex, but not insurmountable.

Please read and listen to the recommendations here. (and possibly follow)
DO.........Protect and save your children from alcoholism in the home.

PROTECT yourself. Alcoholics can be manipulative, put on a "good show" (for a while, for a judge, etc.), AND THEY LIE. Your wife could easily say YOU are abusing her.

You Will Be Okay. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Beachn

It’s the follow through that is important. Insight without action is just more of the same. It’s certainly a process.

Thank you, and it is hard. I struggle with change to my own detriment.

Thanks for the post. I have heard so many lies over the last 4 years it’s impossible to ever know the truth. My number 1 job is protecting myself and my children. I can certainly do this and I am.

What’s crazy is the codie in me is fighting very hard for it’s survival. The anxiety, fear and overall sadness appear out of no where. Just as I feel I’m in a good spot BAM!

Everyday I fight off these urges to control things, have things my way, to return to how things were in 2014, for her to be the person she used to be. etc etc. Crazy making stuff. I occasionally do not succeed in fighting these…urges(?) and then I’m disappointed in myself for being “weak”. After all I’ve been through I know I’m not weak but that critical inner voice..damn.

trailmix

Why wouldn't you want to go back to the way things were in 2014? That's not possible though, just keep telling yourself that. That doesn't have to be sad though, it doesn't mean that things can't be better for you and the kids. "If it could only be like this then all would be well and I wouldn't have to make these hard decisions that make me unhappy" - perhaps start thinking ahead a bit. What has been has been, you can't change that, accept that. Ruminating about that is a waste of your time and emotional energy. For now, just put off that reflection, you have more important things to do (taking care of yourself)!

Hard to move away from this as you haven't yet experienced the freedom and happiness and security you can have away from where you are now.

For that critical inner voice you can just tell it to shut up lol, you are in fact doing really well. Actually, a kinder way that I handle this is by saying "stop" - to myself out loud or just in my head. That's the end of putting myself down. Initially you might have to do this a lot, shut down that conversation with yourself, but it gets easier and eventually it becomes rare (I know, hard to believe but it's easier than you might think).

It's also good to replace it with something good. "No I'm not weak, I'm just struggling in this moment and I'm going to do the next right thing for myself". Or something shorter! Whatever the truth really is. In this case, that is the truth, you are taking action, positive actions for yourself and your children. It's scary, you may drag your feet occasionally, you are not super human, we all get scared, just keep moving forward even if in small steps.

Beachn

I have an al anon sponsor and just added a family sobriety coach who has 53 years of sobriety under his belt.

One thing I know for sure is I’m surrounded by help and experience, including from you wonderful folks here. It’s always been there but I wasted time continuing to think I know best. That hasn’t worked out so well. Now I’m trying to really pay attention and change the only thing I can.