TheAten

I have no idea why, as after my initial post this morning, I went on to have a lovely, relaxing day. I did lots of cooking and I’ve eaten like a king. I’ve read and I’ve watched some documentaries on YouTube. After such a lovely day, I start thinking about all the hurtful and mean, downright vulgar text messages I’ve sent in the past when drunk! I genuinely don’t know why, but once the idea got into my head, my stomach has been in knots! I feel like the most disgusting person in the world, and I have no idea why I’m so downright abusive when I’m drunk. Ive never sent a vulgar, nasty text when I’m sober, ever! Sure, I’ve had text disagreements and I may have gotten annoyed, but they’ve never descended into the bile that I’ve sent before. Most of these are years ago, so I don’t know why I’m thinking of them now after such a lovely day. It just makes me think that perhaps I am actually just a horrible human being 😞

I’m not going to do it ever again as I won’t drink. This is just one of a plethora of reasons why. This one just hits me hard tonight. I hate that person I am when I’m drunk. I’m just scared - is that the real me? But then it can’t be, as when I’m sober I have made some amazing friends - it usually only takes that once of them seeing me drunk that ends those beautiful friendships. Sorry for the pity party, but it helps to spill right now. I hope in future I can make new friendships and also help others. I hope it’s not too late for redemption.

Ps I know this comes across as self pity and selfishness and perhaps it is, but the guilt is palpable. Is it too much to post it here? Sorry everyone.

ScottFromWI

Regrets are very common, so first off don't worry about sharing and know that what you are experiencing is normal - we've all been there. Also know that they are just feelings - and they will also pass. Just as you can go from feeling great to feeling this way quickly doesn't mean you are a bad person or that anything is wrong - early sobriety is a real rollercoaster of emotions.

I used to get stuck in these kinds of loops a lot - and in my particular case it was also related to other issues I was having, but one of the things that helped was mindfulness and meditation. Once you get to the point of being all worked up it's really hard to relax, but even simple breathing exercises can help. It can snap you out of that loop too and get you thinking about other more productive things.

TheAten

You’re right, and thanks Scott. Much appreciated. I will try and relax - sometimes just putting it out there almost feels cathartic in itself. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to apologise to those individuals (and honestly, they probably forgot I even exist now. Who remembers a nasty drunk text from some drunk wacko years later?). I guess I’ll be on this emotional rollercoaster for sometime yet, huh? Thanks to everyone for being my safety belt at this time!

Cityboy

Your not alone in this Aten, not by a long shot. We all did it. We all went through what you are feeling now. Should probably only speak for myself, so I certainly did it and went through what you are describing. I used to dread the morning because I would have to see what I had posted online or in text messages the night before. After multiday professional workshops, weekends with my drinking buddies, pretty much anything that included drinking, I would always feel guilty about something, or things, I had said or done, which led to more anxiety and reinforcement of the drinking cycle. As you gain more sober time, your cognitive ability will improve, your ability to process the past will become more effective, and you will be better able to come to some sort of peace with it. At some point you will have to move on, look forwards not backwards. Continue with making forward progress, and don't get drawn back into the dark pit of dependency.

Totally agree with scottfromwi.

Aellyce

Yes, the drunken messages were some of the worst parts of my alcoholism as well. Mine were rarely nasty per se without a reason - sometimes it happened, for me more because I engaged with people I never would sober, or not long, I would normally run fast and far... but held onto it too much drinking. So some of the aggression I expressed wasn't undeserved, more unnecessary to even get there. Much more frequently for me, it was just excessive and sometimes bizarre... not a good memory for sure, and sometimes I still need to play attention to what truly serves me well and how, what is enough, what is useless and will only lead to disappointment. I personally have no interest in revisiting or compensating those past things, in part because it was rarely only my fault and rehashing more would just result in more grief. Avoiding old temptations, unwanted situations and choosing people and interactions from now on better is a more effective strategy, for me at least, but it can take a little trial and error to not even get close to old traps and handle boundaries well. I think alcoholism really damages our sense of boundaries, even for those (I would put myself in that category) who have pretty solid default boundaries and don't get into interpersonal drama.

TheAten

Thanks, Cityboy. I know you’re right, and I will (I hope!) move on - it’s just hard to forgive yourself. I don’t know where it came from, these thoughts tonight. I guess this is something we all have to go through on this adventure to a better way of living and a better life. It’s only day 3, so probably my equilibrium isn’t anywhere close to being back in working order yet. It mightn’t be for months or even years, I get that, but I generally find the fogginess has mostly dissipated after about one week after my last drink. I’ll feel mighty stupid reading back on this one day, but thanks for everyone for your support right at this exact moment! Much appreciated.

advbike

Hang in there TheAten. I have a tendency to ruminate on the past, and think negatively, especially if I haven't exercised for a 2-3 days. Seriously, it gets really bad and I have no idea what the linkage is except maybe because damaged serotonergic pathways are common in drinkers so maybe the exercise boosts it all back up. As an example, the past few days I had a lot going on, no workouts for various reasons, too much computer time, and got into a real funk. I actually got kind of depressed, didn't even *want* to workout, became suspicious about my gf and on and on. Sometimes it just comes on. So this morning I had a hard two hour bike ride and I felt *amazing* afterward. I would say I was almost elated. So there is really something to those endorphins. So, just a mention in case it might work for you too. Cheers mate.

TheAten

I relate to this a lot. I’ve hung out with people I wouldn’t in a million years if they weren’t drinking with me! Not because they’re bad or anything, but just because sober we have zero in common. Why do drunks accept the company of other drunks so indiscriminately? I’m a drunk and yet my own behaviour doesn’t even make sense to me? Well, I’m not going to try making sense of the nonsensical anymore. I won’t be like that in future, as I’m not going to drink. Whatever it takes, I’m coming out the other end, no return tickets this time, please. I even prayed earlier. I asked for help. I’m not even religious. But I said I was sorry and could whoever is out there help. I sound like a mad man! At least I’m sober. That’s something to be truly grateful for.

TheAten

Hi adv, yeah I think I’m going to go for a long walk tomorrow. I don’t care where, or if it rains. I’ll just walk. I’m going to the gym on Friday, that’s something to look forward to. Nothing like exercise to exorcise the demons, so to speak! That just made me cringe, too, haha!

Wastinglife

I always dread looking at my phone after a bender. I'm usually good-natured but just spewing nonsense. I shut down my Facebook permanently because I only posted when drunk at 1am in the morning. Cringe-inducing to find out i messaged an ex girlfriend from 20 years ago haha.

RecklessDrunk

Forgive yourself but don't forget. This is what drinking really is. The ease and comfort of those first few drinks is such a small portion of the whole experience. The real experience of A drink includes horror of what we may do when drunk. It becomes a much greater factor then any ease and comfort. Then we get its real physical effect hours after drinking. The anxiety, the sleeplessness, the depression, etc.

The deeper this conviction that we can not have alcohol the better our odds of long term sobriety.

Anna

I agree with Scott. Regrets are common in early recovery and maybe are even part of the healing process in some way. Sometimes, I have a really hard time not getting caught in the loop and going over something again and again, though of course, I can never change it. Try to not worry about it too much if those thoughts pop into your head. But, at the same time, don't get caught up in the loop.

anxiousrock

Damn I do this too, always assumed it was part of my anxiety. I've done it for years even before I started drinking. I still think about things that happened 20 years ago, when I was sober, and feel nauseous.

least

If you're only 3 days sober, of course you're feeling awful, mentally and physically - you're still in withdrawal. Give yourself more sober time for the healing to start. It took me at least a few months before I felt like I trusted myself again, liked myself again. Give yourself more time!

D122y

I call my past my thug days. My drinking days. They are gone and nearly forgotten.

How many times I flirted with my wife's girlfriends, nearly crashed my car with my family inside, went to work drunk, got in drunken arguments, etc etc.

Learning from history is important, but living in the past is not. I forgive those that trespassed and ask for forgiveness.

Basically, the lesson is never relapse. I know right and wrong when I am sober.

The only way to heal is to let the rest go. Let it go.

Thanks for the reminder.

Thanks.

Mizz

Every single human on the planet has regret at some point in their life. Guilt and shame can live in all of us. Regret lives in all of us.

Regret, shame and guilt are all reasons as to why I am sober today. .......and active alcoholism. It wasnt pretty and really not who or what I choose to be in the world. So, I had to find the "who and what" I wanted to be.

There are some ways to stop the madness of our brains. When my head started to go into the past I would tell myself to "STOP" and envision a stop sign in my head. I did this all day long for various reasons. My brain was really messy when I stopped drinking and it took me many months to find a way to be healthy. Deep breathing. Exercise. Writing out our thoughts. Prayer. Chanting. Distracting ourselves. Understanding that our brains are like a ping ping game and watching the thoughts. You dont have to give energy to the thoughts and you dont have to follow them into the worm hole.

Your past is your past. Its not today. Its not now. Try to stay in the present. Work to be in the present. Its a skill that most people do not have. It takes a lot of work to stay in the here and now. It is not impossible. You are doing so well. Keep moving forward knowing you are giving yourself the gift of freedom! I believe in you. I am so happy you are back on the road of sobriety. It will not steer you in the wrong direction.

Steely

You're not alone TheAten.

Get this....last night I googled, "I am a really bad person." 😂

I think we'll get over it with greater sobriety. Begin to like ourselves more. Let go. Forgive, as we would others. Accept.

Hope so, else I'm doomed to self loathing for life. Noooooo!

Free2bme888

Hi,

Im in the club too!

A real nice thread started by Mags1 a couple weeks ago was the Weekender Thread on Rearview mirror, or the past, something like that. You can no longer post on it but I think reading through it you will find much comfort and thought as stories and solutions are brought up there as well.

One question was, why is the windshield so much bigger than the rear view mirror?

Because moving forward is more important than backwards, and glancing in the back is good, not living there.

Check the thread out, and I agree with advbike, get out there and exercise ❤️

Aellyce

I think something people forget is that excessive rumination and self-esteem issues can also be a symptom of depression at times. With or without drinking. It's worth giving a thought because if that's the case, there are many potentially effective treatments, we don't need to sit and wait in pain for it to go. I'm not even necessarily talking about professional treatments but the lifestyle adjustments, e.g. exercise, mentioned above. For me, the only thing I can truly associate with obsessive rumination and self-flagellation from my past was a single major depressive episode quite a few years ago, much more that than drinking itself or early sobriety. It did coincide with my worst drinking ever (no attempts to get sober during that time), that's common, also depressive symptoms surfacing in early recovery. Just something to consider, because sometimes this can be the manifestation of physiological states, which create the mood states that we then project into whatever events and wrongs experienced. It is often very similar with anxiety, and even addiction itself. We often live in false beliefs that they are because of this or that happened, but the more direct cause can be imbalances in the body that can be influenced by our choices and personal lifestyle adjustments, sometimes no need to try to correct past events or focus on regrets, resentments etc. All the psychological work can help, but sometimes correcting the more direct physiological states (can also be nutrition and other things) is much more effective and faster.

novips

From my perspective, what you are describing is a resentment that you have against yourself. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that:

Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.

This excerpt precedes the instructions for the 4th Step inventory. So, one suggestion is to consider running this resentment through A.A.'s 4-column inventory.