TheAten

I’m not sure if I’d say that I resent myself so as that I absolutely cannot stand myself. From the way I look to the way I talk and walk to my personality, I really cannot stand myself. I’d go so far as to say the only person I’ve ever hated and continue to hate, is me. I suppose on rumination, that is a form of resentment. And yet - there’s another part of me saying, “just what have I done wrong?”. I know for me, there’s a battle raging inside me and has been for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried therapy and counselling many times over the years, and I mean really dug deep in and tried. Been honest, bared my soul etc. But when the one person you hate is always with you, there’s nowhere to run, is there? I even hate myself for moaning about hating myself as there as so many things to worry about in this life and I’m so self-centred as to focus all this energy on me! I really think doing something to help others and the community is the way forward. Stop projecting inward and use that energy to do something positive.

Thanks for all your replies everyone - each one is read, and reread. I’m so grateful for this forum. Day 4, it’s not so bad 🙂

TheAten

Steely, I’ve been there myself with that same question on google! Why can’t I google pictures of cats or something, haha!

Gabe1980

None of us are bad people! We might have done some questionable things but sending some not too pleasant texts is not an unforgivable offence in the course of a whole life.....especially if you are learning for mistakes, changing your behaviour and trying to be a better person.

I find that dwelling on things just traps me in a shame cycle and it can but really triggering alcohol wise. Be kind to yourself and try to remember that we all deserve care and forgiveness xx

TheAten

Thanks, Gabe. That really made me feel heaps better and put things in perspective. Sending $hi-itty messages isn’t good at all, but as you say, it’s not the unforgivable evil I built it up as in my mind. Would not want to do it again, though, so no to alcohol! Thank again 🙂

Steely

LOL TheAten. I was hoping google would say, "you're ok steely. You've got a shadow like everyone else. Alcoholic, or not. Alcohol seems to shine the spotlight on ours.

Important to recognise the shadow and determine to change. If I deny my shadow, I deny myself, and ultimately the light. Deeeep!

🐱 🐱 🐱

These cats believe in you TheAten.