Backtogood

I feel like a horrible person. I didn't get wasted yesterday, but i drank throughout the day. I slept through Valentine's dinner my hubby made. So i feel like a total piece of crap. My mom's in the hospital with what we think is a minor stroke and i just am feeling very sorry for myself and my family. I will not drink today. I just feel like curling up in a ball and hiding. Why do i do this over and over again? I'm just over it.

Erica375

I'm so sorry about your mom. Please try to stay sober today. Drinking makes everything worse.
Have you tried Zoom AA meetings? I am not an AA person but I am totally loving them! Don't even have to get out of bed to attend one in the morning. "Take what you need and leave the rest."
I will be thinking of you today.

Zebra1275

I'm just over it.

So what's your plan? What you've been doing, whatever that is, is not working.

It is really difficult to stop drinking by yourself. Go online for your area, and look for an AA meeting schedule. There are "women only" meetings that might make you more comfortable.

Go to one. At the beginning of the meeting when the chair asks if anyone is attending their first meeting, raise your hand and introduce yourself, first name only. Then just repeat what you wrote in your post here, and the group will take it from there.

RAL

I do SMART meetings. They are brilliant. Also online and teach you coping skills and how to deal with emotional situations. I like them as can relate the tools they teach us to all life situations

Anna

I've been where you are, and I know it's horrible. And, the only thing you can do is to not drink again.

Try to figure out what happened to make you start drinking yesterday and then come up with a plan so it doesn't happen again. You can get through this.

brighterday1234

“Why do I do this over and over again?” Because you’re an alcoholic most likely. There is a solution and there’s a great sober life available if you want it badly enough.

Backtogood

Ya I'm in full pity party, tears and all. I know what i have to do and i will get there, but right now i just feel like an idiot and full of shame and regret. I really have come so far, but today it doesnt feel that way. I am just going to focus on getting through today, I'm not up for much else.

Surrendered19

You are not a horrible person BTG. You are just having a hard time. Be gentle with yourself today. If you are good with Hubby, focus on simplicity today. Get cleaned up and devote the rest of the day to tending to your Mom any way you can. I don't know what the possibilities are in this time of COVID. Then tend to yourself. A pizza with everything on it for dinner and that is it for the day. Yesterday is in the past so let it go.

Then tomorrow when you are feeling a bit better, time to tweak your plan, right?

Hang in there today and, again, give yourself a break. We've all done some version of what you did yesterday collectively millions and millions of times. That is what we do, and we keep doing those things until we get sober.

Backtogood

Thx. Surrender. I feel just completely emotionally exhausted. I've been here so many times and i never learn. Granted i really never tried to seriously change until a few months ago. I was just looking at the SMART meetings online and AA online meetings. Never been, seems I'm going to need more tools if I'm going to make a serious change. Playing around with the idea of sobriety and actually putting the work in are definitely two different things. I don't think I have fully surrendered to the idea of never bout drinking again. It is time.

Anna

Seems I'm going to need more tools if I'm going to make a serious change. Playing around with the idea of sobriety and actually putting the work in are definitely two different things. I don't think I have fully surrendered to the idea of never bout drinking again. It is time. This are very significant words, Backtogood. Fully invest yourself in your sobriety and you'll be able to do it.

nez

Why not just concentrate on not drinking for today. Don't focus on the finish line, get out of the starting blocks first. Then be like a clock and keep moving. How do eat a whole elephant? One bite at a time.

Backtogood

I just feel like such a failure. Like I'm never going to get this right.

Hevyn

Backtogood - I failed to get sober & stay that way many times. I know exactly how you're feeling. Just before I gave it up for good, I was disgusted with myself, & so exhausted from trying to keep my head above water. For years I clung to the idea that it could be fun again - if I just used enough willpower to control myself. Of course that's impossible! Let the disappointment & misery you're feeling now make you determined to have a happy, healthy life once again. Things can be better than ever for you. Let's do it.

Hevyn

PS - I'm sorry about your mom - will send up some prayers.

Backtogood

Sorry, I'm a needy, emotional mess today! I'm physically hungover, my anxiety is off the charts. I couldn't sleep last night because i was consumed with guilt and shame. It is not that i ruined Valentine's day, it's just always something (never good) alcohol related. But i keep going back. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Cause there sure the heck isn't one in the bottom of a bottle.

babycat

Hey there btg, so sorry you are struggling today. We have all been there but I think you know that. You are still quite new in your process and I really think you will get there.
Hope your mom gets better soon. Hang in there and keep posting. Hugs. That anxiety is so brutal, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Backtogood

Thx babycat

novips

Thanks for sharing & keep coming back. FWIW, your post made me think of the following Big Book quote.

Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power? Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.

Also, keep an open mind about the possibility of checking yourself into a rehab. Sometimes, we need to be physically separated from booze in that way to get some "recovery momentum" going.

nez

There is, but you have to move to the light by taking action.

KeepingUp

The first days are hard and it takes a bit for the anxiety of a binge to subside. Try to be ok with it being hard, feeling lousy, etc. because if you don’t drink today and then again tomorrow, it’ll start to feel better eventually. Stopping drinking won’t fix everything wrong in life, but keeping drinking will inevitably make it all worse. I’m glad you’re here and can definitely relate to messing up more than one special date with my husband by drinking too much. I’m happy to be out of that loop, but completely grateful to have this group to help me and continue helping me maintain sobriety. You can do this and we’re here to support you, but as others have said, you might explore other ways to support your sobriety. It helps to have a variety of tools to reach for at different times.