Ituvia

​http://samvak.tripod.com/faq6.html

Sam Vankin, apparently a self diagnosed Narcissist writes about the spouses of Narcissists in detail in the above article. It was bone chilling. Sometimes I was shaking my head in agreement, sometimes with tears rolling down my face. Sometimes with deep anger that I got into this situation and sometimes with intense fear of what's going to come next.
The path that he is going to take, is pretty much predictable. He has called my friends today asking if they knew what was happening or if they heard from me. They refused that they have any knowledge of it all. He called my parents a bunch of times. He has sent me two emails to all my email accounts. Like four or five of them in one go. I have since put them all in a seperate folder. I m in the process of speaking to a DV worker to seek counsel and next step forward. As I read few of the articles, it seems like it's going to take a very familiar trajectory. First it's going to be reaching out to friends and family. When those attempts fail, he is going to recruit third parties. Maybe someone from his long last AA fellowship. Since there's a lockdown I am unable to do anything in the legal department. It's likely going to be a month before I could file anything at all. During this time I don't think I should inform him of my decision(owing to the fact that he now has Custody of all my legal papers). I'd like to know what else, what other antics,should I be expecting from him during this time of limbo. I cannot believe I'm speaking like this but everyday I'm more and more certain that I have reached an inevitable end. I am in extreme misery but I want to get out of these shackles. Narcissist or not, he is making my life a living hell. And of those around me too.

He sent me extremely vulnerable mails back to back. It's like he is losing his mind. He is begging and pleading and says he is back with the fellowship and in online meetings all day. Its not moving me one bit. I'm sorry that it has come to this but I am not sorry he is going through this because I don't think he is actually capable of going through what I'm going through.

Ituvia

The partner doesn't know what to do – and this is only too natural in the mayhem that is the relationship with the narcissist. But the typical partner also does not know what she wants and, to a large extent, who she is and what she wishes to become.

These unanswered questions hamper the partner's ability to gauge reality. Her primordial sin is that she fell in love with an image, not with a real person. It is the voiding of the image that is mourned when the relationship ends.

The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore, very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of subjugation. It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist.

The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of proper interface with reality might be (erroneously) labelled "pathological"

nikegoddess112

Active alcoholism/addiction can sometimes present some of the same characteristics of narcissism.
Richard Grannon and Linda Marinez Lewi have some helpful material regarding recovery from dealing with dysfunction.

dandylion

Ituvia. I am pleased to hear that you are speaking with a dv advocate. It is so important that you have someone to support and advise you. who can understand your feelings.I am equally pleased that your friends did not engage with him. I think it is a positive sign that you now have a plan, in your mind for going in a direction that is for your own best welfare, even though, I know that you are in a lot of pain. That is understandable, about the pain, as a breakup can be one of the most painful human experiences. Your instincts are correct to absoutely NOT share any of your plans with him. I think it would be a good idea to keep your plans, especially, the specifics. under wraps---except for the professionals who are supporting and helping you.
I must say---I agree with the above statements---that the healthy and true parts of your self are shining through! I think that you will find that you have mo re strength inside of you than you ever thought.

Ituvia

I was desperately asking everyone I know to prove me wrong. Or tell me that I am just mad or I'm trying to fit inside a box, a diagnosis or a pattern. I want so desperately to be wrong. And that my judgement is wrong. And my decisions are wrong and that I'm throwing away a great guy. I haven't been able to find anyone yet. I went one step further last night when I was tossing and turning and thought to myself that "why would anyone support him when I've been crying and making a mess of myself basically ensuring everyone on my side and they obviously feel sorry for me and they'd never think to support him" . Even on here he never had a chance to tell his story and maybe I'm partial because this is my crazy version, perhaps.

I don't know if this madness or if this is the result of living with this person.

trailmix

So do you think you are unstable?

Do you really think you are presenting a "crazy version"?
These are valid questions Ituvia, you're right, we have never heard his side of the story. I sure don't know your Husband, but I know of him.

What he is doing is irrational. He is reaching out to your friends? What kind of person does that. This is between you and him. If you have chosen not to speak to him right now, well that is up to you. The fact that he can't handle that in a respectful manner speaks volumes.

By respectful, in this case, instead of accepting what you have said and working with that he has chosen to harass you, your parents and your friends. That is not respectful behaviour.

So let's say he can't handle this on his own, fair enough. Why is he not turning to a therapist or a counselling service. Why is he not speaking to HIS people, his parents, siblings if he has any, his friends, if he has any. His goal is not to right himself, his goal is to get you back, whether you are happy or not and damn the torpedoes.

You might say that the group of us here at SR are just supporting you because you have told us your story and how you feel and it seems unfair. In fact, under normal circumstances, he might be a nice guy! Drugs and all.

The second part may be true, but if you had only talked about his harassment that would surely be enough? There is basically nothing you could have done, said or implied to be treated so badly, does that make more sense?

You are obviously used to questioning yourself, that's not always a bad thing, we all need to check out feelings sometimes but never doubt that what you are feeling is ok, whatever it is. Those are your feelings, no one can change them and you have a right to them. If you are not happy in a relationship for any reason you have the right to separate yourself from other person if you choose to, regardless of what anyone else says or advises.

SparkleKitty

You would have the right to leave a relationship -- ANY relationship -- even if the only reason was "I don't want to be in it anymore." You do not need anyone else's permission to go. Not his, not your parents', not your friends. You are reason and permission enough to leave.

dandylion

Ituvia----you are not "mad". Your feelings are real and you are entitled to them.

Ituvia

Thank you both. Made a lot of sense. I'm feeling extremely vulnerable and raw. Not just questioning my reality but everything else too. Because it feels like a mirror shattered. It's so unreal. I never even read about NPD till last week. And when it started making sense, I was terrified. I was terrified that I was checking if there are successful stories out there. And then it occured to me that why am I never thinking about the fact that the primary duty of mine is to myself. And like you said, not being happy is enough to leave.
I go through all stages of grief all day long. Did anyone accidentally find the missing piece of the puzzle this way?

dandylion

Ituvia, it seems to me that you have just lost yourself in this relationship. That you have lost self confidence and your self esteem has been demoted to an all time low. Your boundaries, that are supposed to protect yourself have been trampled on and need rebuilding and repair. I hope that you will trust and rely on the support and experience of your dv person and continue to believe in the healthy part of your personality.You need all of the self care that you can give yourself.

SparkleKitty

The missing piece of my puzzle was in my possession the entire time. My problem was that I kept looking for it in someone else.

dandylion

Ituvia, rumination is a part of the grieving process, and it can continue for a while, which is entirely normal. I can make you just feel exhausted, sometimes and feel like your head is just spinning in circles. In recovery circles, it is sometimes called "paralyzing by analyzing".When this happens, it is important to do something---anything to Distract yourself. to use another part of your brain. Something like exercising, or talking to a friend aboutsomething else, or listening to uplifting music, or training your dogs, crafts or painting---anything. Eventually, the ruminating fades away, but, not totally overnight.

Ituvia

I have started doing some yoga in the morning.
he has been sending everyone mails and messages. Calling my parents and crying. Obviously I cannot even understand how it all came to this. He is just one call away and this pain will go away but I don't want that. But I also feel so guilty for making him suffer.

Ariesagain

Ituvia, here’s something to keep in mind...how he experiences emotions is not the same way that you do. Lots of us codependents have an overabundance of empathy and compassion...which often makes us very easy to manipulate.Ask yourself: is he really “suffering”, really missing you, the person? Or is he missing his possession, his mouse toy to his cat games, his ability to control you? Many people like him are addicted to their power over others...it’s a great game to see how high they can make us jump.
Is he really missing you at all? Or is he just telling all your friends and your parents that to enlist their help in getting you back in line?Â
I don’t know this guy, so all of this is just to provide you with some questions to ask yourself about your own situation. To my ex-husband, I was a paycheck, sex, arm candy, an enabler, and that’s about it. If he could have put me in a box in the closet except for when he needed any of those things, he would have.
TRUST YOURSELF. In the end, it’s your life, not your parents’ or your friends’ lives.
Wishing you clarity and strength to know your own mind and own your truth.

suki44883

He's playing on your sympathy. I'd ignore the emails, but if you absolutely insist on responding, I'd tell him to hold that thought and let me know when he's had at least a year of solid consistent recovery.
I'm betting that won't sit well with him.

Ituvia

He is not drinking at the moment. When I sent him away, it wasn't even something major.
first I started noticing that he was picking fights over nothing. Even if I don't respond. Next he was highly critical of everyone who disagreed with him or asked him a question. And then I noticed that he was constantly telling me what to do, what not to do. I felt like I was anxious all day long but I chalked it up to the covid situation, unemployment and uncertainty.
But then I had this fear one day out of the blue. I didn't know what it was. I thought I was going crazy. When I couldn't take his constant grievances against all my family members, I asked him to leave.

dandylion

Ituvia---It was major, in my opinion. He was pushing you beyond what was tolerable or acceptable for you.He pushed you to your limits.If he feels that he has you back, again, the same behaviors will begin, again,The kind of changes that you want do not just appear overnight, He is not going to change into what you wish he would become. You didn't go "crazy". You were having a normal reaction to being pushed into living in an unacceptable way.

Ituvia

I am not interested in doing anything at all. I don't even want to listen to music which I used to love. I hug my dogs and stare into oblivion. I am on anti Anxiety and anti depressant since yesterday. I feel like a zombie. Sometimes I am not sure what joy or contentment is because it's always chaos with my husband. Either him completely ignoring me and making me mad or finding faults with me and making me feel like sh*t. When I ask him why he is not being affectionate and just sits on his computer, he'd reply 'did I not give you a hug in the morning?'

dandylion

Ituvia, be sure to keep in close contact with the person who prescribed the meds for you. I believe what you say--- that you were miserable with your husband.

SparkleKitty

It sounds like a very lonely relationship for you.
The fact is, ltuvia, if he is going to change (and that's a big IF), it's not going to happen fast, and it's not going to happen based on anything you do or don't do.
Right now all he is doing is talking.
If his intent is to make real improvements, he would just be doing it. He would understand that you have had enough of talking and need to SEE real, long-term change in his behavior. It wouldn't be dependent on you talking to him or taking him back or giving him a "chance." You have done all of that before, and there was no change.
Give the prescriptions time to do their job and just keep it simple for right now. Eat, sleep, rest, drink water, hug your dogs, post here and read here. It's okay. You will not feel like this forever.