I've never been painted a more vivid picture of our relationship than this. Scary
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Yes but I was going to speak to a lawyer a couple of days ago. I am just conflicted. He still has to do the work regardless of me doing anything at all but do I get to see the changes or disconnect and move on.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
It's up to you. Like I said, real change takes a LONG time. Not days. Not weeks. Not even months.
couple of months ago when I had asked him if we could both go to therapy he said yes and forgot about it. Never spoke of it for weeks. When I brought it up again, he said he was busy with work and hence couldn't make it. He never even acknowledged that we were supposed to go to therapy. When it became an argument and I was ready to leave, he said 'Please don't leave me, you're the only one who can help me deal with this'
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It sounds like he just wants everything to stay the same, and that he will say whatever he thinks he needs to say to make that happen. That is why I always look at what people do and not what they say they will do. He had the opportunity to take one step in a healthy direction (counseling) and he delayed and made excuses until you dropped it. That is who he is.
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Because I've been struggling with crippling Anxiety these past few weeks, my friend suggested that I not speak to a lawyer just yet. But the more I delay, the greater the chances are of him showing up at my door. I have largely calmed down now and with the meds I am sure I will be back to homeostasis soon. I just don't know if it's too soon or hasty. I also need to get my documents from him.
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What I really don't understand is, if there is unbearable situation, I'm the first one to go to therapy. Even if it's one session. I just don't know why he is refusing to step inside a therapist's office. There is an app here which provides phone therapy and I have done six sessions so far and when I mentioned it to him, he said" don't talk to me about therapy, I'm reading the book Attached and doing meditation, so these things take time"
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It sounds like he just wants everything to stay the same, and that he will say whatever he thinks he needs to say to make that happen. That is why I always look at what people do and not what they say they will do. He had the opportunity to take one step in a healthy direction (counseling) and he delayed and made excuses until you dropped it. That is who he is.
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Also, let me add that one of the turning points in my own recovery from codependency was when I decided that I no longer 'needed' to understand something in order to accept it. Things don't have to make sense to me for me to say, "okay, that's how it is," and determine my next steps accordingly.
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Yes I've told him many a times that words don't mean anything to me. Just like his apologies and promises, these emphatic decleration means very little. The thing I'm trying to come to terms with is this : I've been thinking he is a shy guy with intimacy issues. Or something embarassing. Or lack of knowledge. But the controlling behaviour, circular arguments, constant deflection and blame have opened up whole new Pandora's box. I am not even sure if I'm conflating everything.
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
I've been thinking he is a shy guy with intimacy issues. Or something embarassing. Or lack of knowledge. But the controlling behaviour, circular arguments, constant deflection and blame have opened up whole new Pandora's box. I am not even sure if I'm conflating everything.
I get your trying to justify your actions, I really do, but as SK said, does it really matter?
You don't have to have a good reason to separate but you do. The things he does:
Lack of intimacy
Circular arguments
Lack of attempts to REALLY make a change
Controlling behaviour
Deflection, Blame
What more do you need? This sounds like hell, not a relationship?
As Dandylion said, healthy relationships are nothing like this. Where is the care and respect for you. Do you feel loved? Honoured? Cherished? This is a conflict, not a relationship.
Let's say you just had a friend, heck even a good friend that showed the last 4 items on that list, how long would that person be your friend?
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I've been thinking he is a shy guy with intimacy issues. Or something embarassing. Or lack of knowledge. But the controlling behaviour, circular arguments, constant deflection and blame have opened up whole new Pandora's box. I am not even sure if I'm conflating everything.****
just yesterday you had him pegged as a NARCISSIST. now today, oh maybe he's just shy?
i suggest you go back and read your first 3-5 posts from early 2017. that may help reinforce what IS going on, not the seeming "bartering" you are trying to do with yourself right now.
just yesterday you had him pegged as a NARCISSIST. now today, oh maybe he's just shy?
i suggest you go back and read your first 3-5 posts from early 2017. that may help reinforce what IS going on, not the seeming "bartering" you are trying to do with yourself right now.
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Basically he has been saying that the lack of intimacy is due to various reasons. He never seems into it ever. When I create a scene for him not keeping his word, he is all apologetic and tells me what he's gonna do.
Today is my birthday and he has sent me a long email with what his plans are. Going to therapy, doing inner child work, attending AA meetings online.
The thing that bothers me is , perhaps I'm still in the thick of it, is that I invested 8 years in this relationship and someone told me that first year of marriage is hard and that during the pandemic things seem bigger than they are. What if it's all of those things? I'm sorry if I'm frustrating you all. I really don't have anywhere else to ask such questions.
Today is my birthday and he has sent me a long email with what his plans are. Going to therapy, doing inner child work, attending AA meetings online.
The thing that bothers me is , perhaps I'm still in the thick of it, is that I invested 8 years in this relationship and someone told me that first year of marriage is hard and that during the pandemic things seem bigger than they are. What if it's all of those things? I'm sorry if I'm frustrating you all. I really don't have anywhere else to ask such questions.
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(((Hugs))) Ituvia, you have taken the hardest step and that is to leave a very unhappy, crazy-making situation. You are taking care of yourself, and that is so wonderful! I've experienced the emotional rollercoaster that you are on, the self-doubt, the blaming yourself, not sure if what you think is happening is actually happening - and then when all the emotions get to be overwhelming the just feeling almost catatonic and unable to be interested in anything, not finding joy in anything. It's a terrible way to feel.
You can end HIS pain by going back, but your pain will not end. I know, because I've gone back to my crazy-making situation and it has not gotten better. I see more clearly now how bad it is for me, I fear losing my health, but it's harder to leave now. It's now a financial trap as well as an emotional one.
Keep taking care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Give yourself time for your emotions to stop being so overwhelming so you can think again clearly and make good decisions for yourself. It will happen, it will feel less overwhelming. One day at a time. Take the time you need. You can do it.
You can end HIS pain by going back, but your pain will not end. I know, because I've gone back to my crazy-making situation and it has not gotten better. I see more clearly now how bad it is for me, I fear losing my health, but it's harder to leave now. It's now a financial trap as well as an emotional one.
Keep taking care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Give yourself time for your emotions to stop being so overwhelming so you can think again clearly and make good decisions for yourself. It will happen, it will feel less overwhelming. One day at a time. Take the time you need. You can do it.
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I guess anything is possible but it doesn't sound to me like you are over-reacting.
I have been married twice, the first year wasn't any harder than any of the other years. Perhaps if you two were newish to the relationship at that point and just getting used to each other, but that's not the case is it?
I think that probably more applies to relationships in former times where people didn't live together and sometimes were not even intimate before marriage.
We are all living through this pandemic. You two aren't even living together right now. Say you were, what would that look like.
What is the bottom line for you here Ituvia? Are you just unsure. You know, you don't have to do anything at all this minute or tomorrow or next week. Sit with it for a while, a few months, heck a year if you like. There is no timeline here. You sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, what for?
Maybe now is the time for YOU, to look at your life and say ok, what is it that I actually want. Do you want to get a job and live on your own for a while? Travel? Learn to play the guitar? Take painting lessons? You are under no obligation to sort all this out right away.
As for finding he behaves like a narcissist and now thinking maybe he's shy/has intimacy issues. Go back to the video you were watching of Sam's to review what you saw in there.
Start trusting yourself.
I have been married twice, the first year wasn't any harder than any of the other years. Perhaps if you two were newish to the relationship at that point and just getting used to each other, but that's not the case is it?
I think that probably more applies to relationships in former times where people didn't live together and sometimes were not even intimate before marriage.
We are all living through this pandemic. You two aren't even living together right now. Say you were, what would that look like.
What is the bottom line for you here Ituvia? Are you just unsure. You know, you don't have to do anything at all this minute or tomorrow or next week. Sit with it for a while, a few months, heck a year if you like. There is no timeline here. You sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, what for?
Maybe now is the time for YOU, to look at your life and say ok, what is it that I actually want. Do you want to get a job and live on your own for a while? Travel? Learn to play the guitar? Take painting lessons? You are under no obligation to sort all this out right away.
As for finding he behaves like a narcissist and now thinking maybe he's shy/has intimacy issues. Go back to the video you were watching of Sam's to review what you saw in there.
Start trusting yourself.
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I know I can simply call him and all the pain will be over and I do not want to do that. The emotional rollercoaster is unbearable. I just don't know how to cope with them or soothe these feelings. I have no idea how to survive. I don't know why it's so bad. I just wish he wasn't what he is. Or I'm not what I am.
all the spiritual teachings say that we have to accept people for what they are. And that every one is connected and whatnot. I am not sure if I'm supposed to look at it spiritually or psychologically
all the spiritual teachings say that we have to accept people for what they are. And that every one is connected and whatnot. I am not sure if I'm supposed to look at it spiritually or psychologically
Originally Posted by Achnasheen
(((Hugs))) Ituvia, you have taken the hardest step and that is to leave a very unhappy, crazy-making situation. You are taking care of yourself, and that is so wonderful! I've experienced the emotional rollercoaster that you are on, the self-doubt, the blaming yourself, not sure if what you think is happening is actually happening - and then when all the emotions get to be overwhelming the just feeling almost catatonic and unable to be interested in anything, not finding joy in anything. It's a terrible way to feel.
You can end HIS pain by going back, but your pain will not end. I know, because I've gone back to my crazy-making situation and it has not gotten better. I see more clearly now how bad it is for me, I fear losing my health, but it's harder to leave now. It's now a financial trap as well as an emotional one.
Keep taking care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Give yourself time for your emotions to stop being so overwhelming so you can think again clearly and make good decisions for yourself. It will happen, it will feel less overwhelming. One day at a time. Take the time you need. You can do it.
You can end HIS pain by going back, but your pain will not end. I know, because I've gone back to my crazy-making situation and it has not gotten better. I see more clearly now how bad it is for me, I fear losing my health, but it's harder to leave now. It's now a financial trap as well as an emotional one.
Keep taking care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Give yourself time for your emotions to stop being so overwhelming so you can think again clearly and make good decisions for yourself. It will happen, it will feel less overwhelming. One day at a time. Take the time you need. You can do it.
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Ituvia, accepting people as they are doesn't mean that you have to LIVE with them and hitch your star to their wagon. I accept the people, that I know, as they are---because I can't change any of them---but, I wouldn't marry a damn one of them.Spiritual teachings also say to be true to yourself. Every being has the right to look out for their own welfare. Even lower animals have the right to self defense. This doesn't sound like love, to me---It sounds like desperation to maintain the status quo for himself. Why don't you block his emails. He is using them to wear you down. He is deliberately wearing you down. regardless of how destructive it is to you. He knows that it has worked in the past. You could let someone else scan them for you, regarding any legal matters---so that you don't have to be self tortured by reading them.
I agree with what trailmix says about marriage. I have been married, and, she is right. Thishas been going on for years. If you read your threads from over 3 years ago---when you first joined the forum---you were saying all of these same kinds of things, even then. Sometimes, almost word for word. You said that you were in pain---"unbearable pain"----even then. 6 months ago, you decided to marry him---but, that did not end the pain. It just made the pain more chronic---and worse. You say that you could end the pain with one phone call----actually, you could dig yourself deeper into the pain with one phone call--if you go right back into an unacceptable situation, again.You are in charge of your life, by the decisions that you make.
I agree with what trailmix says about marriage. I have been married, and, she is right. Thishas been going on for years. If you read your threads from over 3 years ago---when you first joined the forum---you were saying all of these same kinds of things, even then. Sometimes, almost word for word. You said that you were in pain---"unbearable pain"----even then. 6 months ago, you decided to marry him---but, that did not end the pain. It just made the pain more chronic---and worse. You say that you could end the pain with one phone call----actually, you could dig yourself deeper into the pain with one phone call--if you go right back into an unacceptable situation, again.You are in charge of your life, by the decisions that you make.
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He is using your birthday as a tool to manipulate you into giving in.When you give in, the pain will worsen. You need to take care of yourself, first.
You are totally capable of making the DECISION to hold your boundaries.
You are totally capable of making the DECISION to hold your boundaries.
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