mylifeismine

His ACTIONS show he has no respect for you and your feelings or wishes. He reminds me of a child who has learned they can get what they want by wearing down the vulnerable parent. If it takes asking for a new toy 50 times to get it, they will. If it takes a hundred times, no problem. And your ACTIONS, by giving in and going back tell him you are still willing to be used and treated badly.
Until you have time and space from him, and some peace in your life you will stay confused. It's like trying to keep a room tidy with a tornado in it, impossible to see things clearly.
I don't think he is sensitive - just manipulative.

SparkleKitty

He is engaging in emotional manipulation to get what he wants, and once he has it, he will go back to exactly who he was before.

Ituvia

Thank you both. I can see it but I constantly question myself. He has recruited so many people it feels like an onslaught of emotions from all directions.

SparkleKitty

Not one of those other people has to live your life. It's easy to comment and advise from the sidelines--and to be frank, most of them probably want you to give in so that he will leave them alone. It isn't just you that he is manipulating.
I know this stuff is so, so hard. Try to remember that there are other ways that he could be handling this situation. Healthy ways that focus on himself, not you.

Ituvia

Of course. He is basically asking his family members to give me a call and wish me on my birthday. As this is supposed to be the first birthday after the wedding. I see that he is browbeating everyone to make the calls. And of the million times I've cried, he has never once shed a tear along with me. Now he is crying to my parents his parents his friends my friends and acquaintances. I feel pushed to a corner. Not everyone knows what's been going on because I had simply asked for ten days away from him. He couldn't give me these days. He says if we don't speak for ten days, we'd lose interest in each other. I was like, if the relationship won't last ten days, is it worth saving?
​​​​​​

mylifeismine

Exactly Ituvia! You believe he is capable of mature considerate,thoughtful behavior. You believe he s capable of respecting yourwishes. But all of his actions scream indifference to your needs and only that he is thinking of himself exclusively.
These people don't have to listen to his lies. Let him keep badgering them and they will see for themselves how difficult and selfish he is.
Tell yourself the truth- he is afraid in 10 days you will feel so muchbetter you won't want to go back! 10 days without his interference at all I mean. He won't do it though, not until you show him by your actions you are going to take care of yourself.

SparkleKitty

His inability to leave you alone for such a short period of time is the best example of why he is definitely NOT the "sensitive guy" you worry you might be hurting.

Ituvia

When I look back, all he's ever done is coerce me to get his way. Never been my suggestion or decision. I thought I was an educated woman capable of being independent.
Any other time I would've caved and called him back. I don't know what changed this time.

mylifeismine

And just to entertain his ridiculous logic...what about servicemen/women deployed for months what about people who are away for weeks on business what about if you have to be away helping a family member what if you have covid 19 and no one can see you
all these mature people seem to handle time apart with strength andgrace- not by crying to anyone who will listen to you about your own woes.

mylifeismine

"I don't know what changed this time."
You changed. You are changing. You are deciding to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and not let anyone abuse you.

Ituvia

I think he is incredibly afraid that I might start thinking for myself once. All this while I have been away from my folks and stuck with him alone. I'd leave the house and he'd beg me to return. Since I'd have nowhere to go, I'd go back home. Now that I am with my folks, he doesn't get to do his usual drama of isolating me and wearing me down with his promises. Only to be forgotten next day. But he always said oh these things take time, you must not pressure me. I have not spoken to him in ten days and I feel lighter. I could leave coffee mugs wherever I want to without worrying about him telling me off. The thing is, he wouldn't shout or yell. It was always subtle messages about what I should be doing. He'd tell me that he is doing this to teach me diligence.

mylifeismine

^^^^arggghhhh
Time to teach him a little diligence

SparkleKitty

It's not his job to teach you anything. You're an adult, not a puppy. I'm glad you're seeing and appreciating the benefits of being apart.

dandylion

Wow. He is not your Father. And---he is not your caretaker. He is not your Nanny.You are not his possession. The problem in a parent-child relationship. is, that the "child" may grow up and rebel against the control.
I am just saying------------------

mylifeismine

" I could leave coffee mugs wherever I want to without worrying about him tellingme off"
And that is just the very first drop in the ocean of finding Ituvia

Ituvia

I read in one of the blogs by Sam Vanakin where he says they behave like a father and they expect you to be the mother. So obviously no intimacy. But there's control because 'father'. What a f*₹k up way to live and not even see. I was just going on and on about why he is not showing me any intimacy. I have told him a thousand times thag intimacy is not sex. Nothing mattered. The intimacy part is just tip of the iceberg. Control seems to be the major theme. He hates being disagreed. He hates when someone innocently questions his choices. He doesn't yell or shout but I could see that he is raging.

mylifeismine

The relationship you describe is the perfect way to have an unhealthy life, become depressed, isolated, and eventually, lose your health and soul.
Perhaps you are deciding you don't want this, and that you want healthy relationships, starting with your relationship with yourself. That you will have compassion and kindness for yourself, love your good qualities and know that you can improve on others.

But a relationship of condemnation, criticism, hostility, rage, and abandonment will be a slow death.

Ituvia

Yes I do not want to be in a relationship once this ends and I don't know when that will be. I've been going from long term relationship to long term relationship all my life. Obviously I've been trying to seek external validation for what's really bothering me inside. And as fate would have it, I entered a much more dangerous toxic relationship and then got married too. While trying to untangle from this web, it's become pretty clear that I need to be comfortable with myself. Find out what I like and love myself for what I am. I don't know where to start or which books to read. I have been doing daily affirmations for a week now.

mylifeismine

^^^^ Now that's freaking clarity Ituvia!!!
I like Darlene Lancer's website and I have some o f her books


https://www.whatiscodependency.com/c...odependency%29

And self-compassion Kristin Neff

https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/

Ituvia

Thank you