Ituvia

Some of th things that keep coming back is that he'd pick me up everytime I came back from out of town. No matter how early it was. And dropped me at th station and airport every single time, even when I insisted that I could take a cab. There are so many other things he'd do without my asking at all. Suddenly all of this seems confusing. I don't think he had anything to gain out of waking up early and picking me up or dropping me every single time.

He seems to fit the bill for Avoidant personality too

• Social inhibition
• Feelings of inadequacy2
• Hypersensitivity to negative evaluation
• Anxiety about saying or doing the wrong thing
• A need to be well-liked1
• Avoiding situations due to fear of rejection
• Avoiding intimate relationships or sharing intimate feelings
• Avoiding social situations or events1
• Avoiding interaction in work settings or turning down promotions
• Avoiding conflict (being a "people-pleaser")
• Low self-esteem1
• Lack of assertiveness
• Extreme self-consciousness
• Viewing oneself as socially inept or inferior3
• Lack of trust in others
• Self-isolation2
• Failure to initiate social contact
• Anhedonia (lack of pleasure in activities)
• Anxiety in social situations
• Avoiding making decisions4
• Vigilant for signs of disapproval or rejection
• Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval2
• No close friends/lacking a social network
• Unwilling to take risks or try new things2
• Fearful and tense demeanor

hopeful4

I really remember when I usto do this. I would look up all sorts of things to figure out WHY???
Then one day I realized, this is who he is. It does not matter at all why. Did I want to live like that for the rest of my life? Answer was no. Hell no.
It's quite obvious when someone truly wants to strive for change, and when it's apparent they won't change. Actions is all that matters.

Ituvia

He has asked for sixty days to work on things. I am not sure what he is working on.

Ariesagain

What do YOU want?
Even if there was some mythical magical wand that could completely change his personality, which there isn't, of course...
With all the history and emotional pain and controlling behavior...do you really want to go back there? Especially since it would be even harder to get out again?
Or do you want to move on to a new future?

Ituvia

I want to speak to my therapist and understand why I behave the way I did. Or why I am in so much pain. I want to understand myself first of all. I am reading codependent no more. I am reading Healing the inner child by Thich naht Hanh. I don't want to make any decisions until my body and mind return to homeostasis. The meds are helping me so much, I've been sleeping a lot more but I guese that's ok. I haven't got much to do except eat sleep and read.
He is bringing all my documents this weekend so that's one less thing to worry about.

mylifeismine

Have you got a plan for when he returns your things so there is no<div>drama or acting out by him?</div>

hopeful4

<p>It's really good for you to focus on yourself. I am glad to hear you are doing so.</p><p><br></p><p>The 60 days is likely just bought time. My XAH was always going to "prove it to me." Eventually enough was enough.</p><p><br></p><p>However, even before we split, I did begin working on ME. I shifted my focus to where it should be, my children and myself. It was a process, but one that made me much stronger as a person.</p><p><br></p><p>Hugs to you.</p>

Ituvia

I have no idea how to behave but I know that I am not going to be alone with him. My parents might ask me to speak to him alone if need be. What should I do? How do we even know what someone says is genuine? I've lost my intuition and how to gauge anything at all.

SparkleKitty

Tell your parents you do not wish to speak to him right now.

Ituvia

Apparently he is coming here to 'talk' with me and to return my documents. I am already dreading it. I haven't spoken to him in over 15 days.

SparkleKitty

You are a person, ltuvia. Just as much as your husband is, just as much as your parents are, just as much as I am. You have the right to say, "I don't need to hear from him right now. For my own wellbeing, I will not see or talk to this person today." That's a very healthy boundary. It is up to you to uphold it.

dandylion

Ituvia, I get the impression that you are going to see and talk to him, if he does show up at the door. You have the right not to, as SparkleKitty says, of course.
If you do choose to talk to him when he shows up----what kind of boundaries for yourself do you have---that you intend to uphold?

mylifeismine

I agree with others that you have the right not to see or speak with him if you believe
that is inyour best interest right now. Him not respecting that boundary is an action
that shows he is not considering your needs at all- he is unable to do that I believe.

You want your important papers back and to not speak to him. Think about how you
can make that happen and protect yourself at the same time. If you find yourself face
to face with him, I think responding with the medium chill method would benefit you.
Google medium chill - out of the fog. At the very least, your language and interaction
with him will be different. Impress upon your parents you need their support at this time.

velma929

Say, "No." It's a complete sentence. You're a grown woman. The days when a relative could order your to "Give Uncle Arthur /Auntie Beatrice a kiss" were over long ago.

Ituvia

I will Google medium chill. God this is frustrating.

SparkleKitty

It is super frustrating, indeed. Try to keep reinforcing that you do not owe anyone your time, your presence, your emotional turmoil. You have a right peace and distance. You have a right to want what you want and need what you need.

AnvilheadII

act as if it's a Grubhub food delivery. no contact. just drop it at the door and LEAVE.
in the current global health issue you should not be interacting closely with others, and especially not inviting them into your home.
you DO have power here.