amh293

Has anyone had an ex who is an addict come back and want a relationship/ friendship even after being very drastic/ manic and threatening to never speak again?

helpfultoothers

Yes but mine has been in recovery for 6 years and just got that 6 year chip, and just wants to be friends. So there is no hope for a relationship. I'm just in the friend zone, which is fine. That's what I wanted. Well sort of.....it would be nice if he said he wanted back together, but then I would fear that he would just block me again like he did at the end of Dec. He started talking to me again 4 weeks after he blocked me. It was 4 weeks of hell.

Just keep working on yourself and don't worry if he's coming back or not. I started to move past him and realize that I deserve better treatment. So do you!

amh293

What do I do if mine has blocked me for 4+ months now is it hopeless? I am hurting so badly, i thought he really loved me.

zoso77

Hey...

I get that you're hurting, and I really wish you weren't, but it's time that you cut a new deal with yourself.

When my AXGF broke up with me back in the day, she did it in the most sadistic way she could. And while this doesn't directly compare with your situation because I didn't want her back, I was certainly wounded from what had happened. So I had to go into self care mode and make sure I was doing all the things I needed to do to get through my day, and in time, it became easier.

When someone we care about leaves us, it's supposed to hurt. That's entirely normal. But allow me to suggest that while that door has closed, others have opened. You just have to belief that there is always hope for us.

Ann

Amh, sometimes our strifes are just "strangely wrapped gifts" when we look back in hindsight years later.

My son cut all contact for about 13 years (I stopped counting at about 10) and I just heard from a 3rd party last fall that he was trying to find me (we moved twice) and would I contact him? After much thought about how it was then and how it is now...and the fact I learned that he had just been released from prison and was living with his lady prison liaison counselor *red flags everywhere*, I told them I wanted 6 months to think about it and decide through his actions, not words, if he had remained clean this 6 months at least. I found out, not long ago that he indeed had returned to old habits and was using again.

Well that circus just left town for me, I was glad I had given it time. No way will I return to sharing a life with addiction. I have grieved a long time, I had no idea where he was or if he was still alive. I pray for him each day, and still do, that he finds a better path. And then I leave the rest in God's hands, and live my life in peace, finding joy and beauty in each day.

I share this because I know it is painful to make good choices sometimes, it took me years to get a good solid base of recovery that would see me through all the difficult times in my life. I will not give that up for anyone or anything. Me and God and my recovery friends have walked a long way together, and I am staying on my path glad for the journey.

FeelingGreat

AMH I know it's hard, but you seem to be slipping into an unhealthy obsession with this past relationship. Your EXBF has made up his mind and moved on.

You are clinging to the hope he'll come back as a future source of happiness, whereas you can make your own happiness if you change the direction of your thoughts.

Have you had obsessions in the past over other things? If so it might be part of your mental make-up you can work on with a therapist, or if you can't afford that, by reading as much as you can and educating yourself. I think you need some help to move on, and it's up to you to initiate it.

amh293

@zoso77 -- It's easier said than done I love him and I deserve the proper closure not to just be abruptly dumped after 3 years with no conversation of there being anything wrong. It's cruel and down right cowardly, but doesn't change the fact that I still am madly in love with him did yours ever try to come back again/ contact you after leaving you??

@feelinggreat-- I have diagnosed OCD so that may be part of why I am obsessing and having a hard time letting go, thank you. I don't me to come off strong but I get really offended cause I know i'm obsessing but I cannot help it! I am in therapy weekly and trying my best. Are you also saying that once someone makes a choice and moves on, they can never go back and try again?

trailmix

Hi amh, how could anyone ever say that? All people are different, some are willing to have another go at a relationship, some are not, no one can tell what he will do, except him.

I understand what you are saying though, that you still love him, but that doesn't mean that's good for you and really right about now, wouldn't it be a good thing to start focusing on what you want in your life. A partner that is solid and caring and not cruel. Someone who doesn't make you feel bad.

Is your therapist helping? If not perhaps it's time to find another. They should be offering tools to help you cope and to turn more toward yourself instead of toward this former relationship.

zoso77

Nope. She dumped me via text message and sent me a picture of her and the new guy. While I was at work, no less. She also confessed to cheating on me multiple times. As soon as I stopped enabling her to be helpless and as soon as I started treating her like an adult, she was gone.

Did it sting? Sure, but it stung in the way a betrayal feels. I didn't want her back. I didn't want anything to do with her. Mainly, I wanted to take a chemical shower. The thought of being intimate with her really grossed me out. Pictures deleted, phone number blocked, email blocked, contact information deleted. I was done, and the deal I cut with myself was in the short term, this was going to hurt a bit. And that was fine. I just went through my days as best I could until gradually I felt better.

She did, from time to time, try to text me for a couple of years after the fact. But I never responded, and I finally changed my number. I decided I was done, and that was that.

Since that day in January 2012, I've completed my MS in electrical engineering, have been promoted at work 3 times, and married a truly wonderful woman. So I guess my question to you is: if I can find happiness and fulfillment in the wake of a breakup with an addict, then why can't you?

By the way, closure as you define it is overrated, and what you owe to yourself far surpasses what you may believe he owes you. We owe it to ourselves to live our best lives. We owe it to ourselves to learn from bad experiences. No one ever said life was fair, or that we never should be hurt by another person. That's a painful lesson to learn. But it's a critical lesson.

Take care of you.