Distraught and torn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Distraught and torn
Hello and thank you to all who post here. Your words are appreciated and help so many.
As far as my current situation, please have a quick read. My fiance broke up with me back in May. I posted about it here, a month or so later. Her drinking, and complete lack of concern for it, as well as lack of concern for how it impacted me and us was to me, the demise of our relationship. All summer, we barely spoke, as least cordially. She was very harsh to me, as she blamed me for things not working out. She convinced me that I needed to get therapy to make myself a better person and to address my personal issues. Basically, as far as she was concerned this was ALL my fault. I knew that wasn't remotely true but decided to talk to a therapist back around august, which has been a decent experience, but not super necessary by any means.
Well, back in late August she (after dating someone most of July but he moved an hour away so she bailed) reached out to me to have dinner. No doubt, I missed her tremendously, and said sure. We reconnected and I made it very clear I wanted to take things slow. To work on and address the things that broke us down before. She "claimed" to have been drinking alot less and was making changes. But her biggest thing was that she basically from day 1 made me feel huge pressure to get engaged to her again and move full speed ahead with the original date and plans.
All fall, I held out. I told her I wasn't ready and nor were we. Frankly, although she wasn't getting fall down drunk all the time, it was still very obvious that it was a "thing". Her routines hadn't changed and she still drank most nights during week and got drunk on weekends. Despite knowing this was a huge problem for me. It was if she didn't care, or couldn't stop.
Basically the last 2.5 months or so have been, every few days, some form of "if we don't get engaged now I'm done". Keep in mind, this is a funny, beautiful, and amazing person in so many ways. But myself, I did say some things that probably led her on as well. "A few more weeks" i said, a few weeks ago. But never gave her the ring. Her family, (she is so, so close with her mom, they talk 3 times a day!), seems to be distraught about the situation too. They tell her she needs to move on if I'm not going to propose. She makes me out to be the bad guy to them. They have every right to want her to be happy but also don't realize my hangup, although the drinking has been discussed with them at length, by me, after we broke up the 1st time. I'm cautious about marriage and family in general, but under these circumstances, more like terrified.
Its been non stop pressure, ultimatums, and basically us being nasty to each other as a result. The icing on the cake was she got really upset about not getting a ring yesterday at thanksgiving. By the end of the night we got to her place and she tore into me and told me to "get the F out of my house!" I did, I went home. So today, she tells her mom about her upsetness, her mom then calls her dad (they are divorced), and then she talks to her dad and he said if I didn't have a ring on her finger I was not welcomed at thanksgiving tomorrow, which is when his large side of the family celebrates! She dropped this on me today, and it hit me hard. I dropped her off at her car that she left at my brothers (of course she couldn't drive home, ever), and we basically left it as we are broken up unless I get reenagaged to her now. Been a very difficult time, to say the least!!!!
As far as my current situation, please have a quick read. My fiance broke up with me back in May. I posted about it here, a month or so later. Her drinking, and complete lack of concern for it, as well as lack of concern for how it impacted me and us was to me, the demise of our relationship. All summer, we barely spoke, as least cordially. She was very harsh to me, as she blamed me for things not working out. She convinced me that I needed to get therapy to make myself a better person and to address my personal issues. Basically, as far as she was concerned this was ALL my fault. I knew that wasn't remotely true but decided to talk to a therapist back around august, which has been a decent experience, but not super necessary by any means.
Well, back in late August she (after dating someone most of July but he moved an hour away so she bailed) reached out to me to have dinner. No doubt, I missed her tremendously, and said sure. We reconnected and I made it very clear I wanted to take things slow. To work on and address the things that broke us down before. She "claimed" to have been drinking alot less and was making changes. But her biggest thing was that she basically from day 1 made me feel huge pressure to get engaged to her again and move full speed ahead with the original date and plans.
All fall, I held out. I told her I wasn't ready and nor were we. Frankly, although she wasn't getting fall down drunk all the time, it was still very obvious that it was a "thing". Her routines hadn't changed and she still drank most nights during week and got drunk on weekends. Despite knowing this was a huge problem for me. It was if she didn't care, or couldn't stop.
Basically the last 2.5 months or so have been, every few days, some form of "if we don't get engaged now I'm done". Keep in mind, this is a funny, beautiful, and amazing person in so many ways. But myself, I did say some things that probably led her on as well. "A few more weeks" i said, a few weeks ago. But never gave her the ring. Her family, (she is so, so close with her mom, they talk 3 times a day!), seems to be distraught about the situation too. They tell her she needs to move on if I'm not going to propose. She makes me out to be the bad guy to them. They have every right to want her to be happy but also don't realize my hangup, although the drinking has been discussed with them at length, by me, after we broke up the 1st time. I'm cautious about marriage and family in general, but under these circumstances, more like terrified.
Its been non stop pressure, ultimatums, and basically us being nasty to each other as a result. The icing on the cake was she got really upset about not getting a ring yesterday at thanksgiving. By the end of the night we got to her place and she tore into me and told me to "get the F out of my house!" I did, I went home. So today, she tells her mom about her upsetness, her mom then calls her dad (they are divorced), and then she talks to her dad and he said if I didn't have a ring on her finger I was not welcomed at thanksgiving tomorrow, which is when his large side of the family celebrates! She dropped this on me today, and it hit me hard. I dropped her off at her car that she left at my brothers (of course she couldn't drive home, ever), and we basically left it as we are broken up unless I get reenagaged to her now. Been a very difficult time, to say the least!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Will edit this post later
Been a tough busy day for me today but I didn't want to read and dash. My expartner was similar (wanted things to go back to "normal" as quickly as possible, aim to get engaged early next year).
You do you. If you need the time then you need the time. Marriage isn't something to rush into especially with an alcoholic who does not want to change. I would have a curt conversation about this because if this is going to be a problem maybe she would be better off looking elsewhere.
You do you. If you need the time then you need the time. Marriage isn't something to rush into especially with an alcoholic who does not want to change. I would have a curt conversation about this because if this is going to be a problem maybe she would be better off looking elsewhere.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
wow, talk about an agenda!!! surely you aren't going to cave to this kind of pressure?
gotta say, my spidey senses wonder if she got knocked up by last dating partner, and they all want her engaged?? i've never heard a family being so unified in "putting a ring on her finger"? well not in the last hundred years or so.
time to be done with all this chaos and drama. remember, she is still drinking. nothing has changed. why give her all the power?
gotta say, my spidey senses wonder if she got knocked up by last dating partner, and they all want her engaged?? i've never heard a family being so unified in "putting a ring on her finger"? well not in the last hundred years or so.
time to be done with all this chaos and drama. remember, she is still drinking. nothing has changed. why give her all the power?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
No one should ever feel pressured into marriage. You have very valid concerns, and if it were me, I would just tell her that I refuse to be pushed into anything and that if marriage was all she would accept, then she needs to go find another guy.
It sounds to me like you don't want to marry her (and I don't blame you), so you should be honest with her. If things are this difficult now, marriage won't make them better and you would be legally tied to her.
It sounds to me like you don't want to marry her (and I don't blame you), so you should be honest with her. If things are this difficult now, marriage won't make them better and you would be legally tied to her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Hello,
I am sorry for your pain. Alcoholism is progressive. If she is drinking during the week and ONLY getting drunk on the weekends that will change in time.
I am wondering why she would want to force anyone to put a ring on her finger?
Imagine the story of your engagement?? I was not allowed to the family's dinner unless I produced the ring. How romantic. This is selfish alcoholic behavior attribute it to that.
I would think she would have self reflection on how she is causing harm to the relationship and how to successfully build it back up.
I am very sorry you are going through this. Did she leave her car because she had to much to drink? Did the drinking promote her outburst toward you?
I was in a similar situation to you but I was the one who abused alcohol.
My mindset was I am only hurting myself. He is not my father I will do what I want then lying to protect my right to drink. Sneaking drinks...walking on eggshells , broken promises etc............
I am now working on Sobriety for myself. I deserve to be in a healthy relationship without the horrors of active alcoholism
I am sorry for your pain. Alcoholism is progressive. If she is drinking during the week and ONLY getting drunk on the weekends that will change in time.
I am wondering why she would want to force anyone to put a ring on her finger?
Imagine the story of your engagement?? I was not allowed to the family's dinner unless I produced the ring. How romantic. This is selfish alcoholic behavior attribute it to that.
I would think she would have self reflection on how she is causing harm to the relationship and how to successfully build it back up.
I am very sorry you are going through this. Did she leave her car because she had to much to drink? Did the drinking promote her outburst toward you?
I was in a similar situation to you but I was the one who abused alcohol.
My mindset was I am only hurting myself. He is not my father I will do what I want then lying to protect my right to drink. Sneaking drinks...walking on eggshells , broken promises etc............
I am now working on Sobriety for myself. I deserve to be in a healthy relationship without the horrors of active alcoholism
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
The whole thanksgiving thing is just - drama.
There are a lot of things wrong in this whole picture, but you already know that.
Truthfully, this part:
She is not two people. She is one person. All those nice things you posted AND an addict.
The question is, are you prepared to marry an addict? I mean REALLY prepared. Are you prepared for the self-centered, alcohol above all and everything, partner?
If you are not going to marry her, in all fairness, you need to tell her that. Anything less is leading her on and is hurtful.
She wants you to accept her and her addiction, you want her to be sober.
Neither of you are willing to negotiate either of these things, correct?
There are a lot of things wrong in this whole picture, but you already know that.
Truthfully, this part:
Keep in mind, this is a funny, beautiful, and amazing person in so many ways.
The question is, are you prepared to marry an addict? I mean REALLY prepared. Are you prepared for the self-centered, alcohol above all and everything, partner?
If you are not going to marry her, in all fairness, you need to tell her that. Anything less is leading her on and is hurtful.
She wants you to accept her and her addiction, you want her to be sober.
Neither of you are willing to negotiate either of these things, correct?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Run like the wind. She is pressuring you because she wants to rope you in as an enabler. Her alcoholism is driving the bus. And her family is just as sick as she is. If you stay, things will only get much, much worse.
You deserve better.
You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
My AXGF tried to “force” marriage on me a few times. She’d ask ironically whenever I was getting fed up with her drinking. Wish I could say something positive to you. It’s often a dead end road. Getting married to an addict makes my stomach hurt. Please take time. Don’t get stuck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
California......My advice?-----Do not run into a burning house.
****Just in case----be very careful; about matters of procreation. The worst thing you can do for a child is to give them an alcoholic parent (mother)……
Do not trust that your partner will be trustworthy about contraception....especially, if they are trying to force a marriage....
You will need to provide your own protection, every ...single....time.....
****Just in case----be very careful; about matters of procreation. The worst thing you can do for a child is to give them an alcoholic parent (mother)……
Do not trust that your partner will be trustworthy about contraception....especially, if they are trying to force a marriage....
You will need to provide your own protection, every ...single....time.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by trailmix 
The whole thanksgiving thing is just - drama.
There are a lot of things wrong in this whole picture, but you already know that.
Truthfully, this part:
She is not two people. She is one person. All those nice things you posted AND an addict.
The question is, are you prepared to marry an addict? I mean REALLY prepared. Are you prepared for the self-centered, alcohol above all and everything, partner?
If you are not going to marry her, in all fairness, you need to tell her that. Anything less is leading her on and is hurtful.
She wants you to accept her and her addiction, you want her to be sober.
Neither of you are willing to negotiate either of these things, correct?
There are a lot of things wrong in this whole picture, but you already know that.
Truthfully, this part:
She is not two people. She is one person. All those nice things you posted AND an addict.
The question is, are you prepared to marry an addict? I mean REALLY prepared. Are you prepared for the self-centered, alcohol above all and everything, partner?
If you are not going to marry her, in all fairness, you need to tell her that. Anything less is leading her on and is hurtful.
She wants you to accept her and her addiction, you want her to be sober.
Neither of you are willing to negotiate either of these things, correct?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ca;ifornia…...those who have drinking issues (alcoholcs)….who think or promise that they will stop after a baby is born is telling themselves and their partners a great big lie....
After the baby comes....the drinking gets worse...not better.....
After the baby comes....the drinking gets worse...not better.....
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
There’s another major consideration here...google “fetal alcohol syndrome.”
If she’s deluding herself that marriage and pregnancy will magically make her want to stop drinking...it’s just that, a delusion. It sounds like she has her family bamboozled into thinking that’s the solution, too. Scary.
Did I mention, run!!!
P.S. if you do end this relationship once and for all, and I hope you will, do NOT mention her addiction as a reason. Make something up if you have to...that sounds harsh and conniving but she and her family are obviously deeply invested in the belief that she has no problem. If you say you don’t want to have kids or you’re not ready to settle down they’ll hate you forever but write you off.
If you say you don’t want to marry an alcoholic they’ll hound you forever to prove that you’re wrong.
Wishing you clarity and strength...
If she’s deluding herself that marriage and pregnancy will magically make her want to stop drinking...it’s just that, a delusion. It sounds like she has her family bamboozled into thinking that’s the solution, too. Scary.
Did I mention, run!!!
P.S. if you do end this relationship once and for all, and I hope you will, do NOT mention her addiction as a reason. Make something up if you have to...that sounds harsh and conniving but she and her family are obviously deeply invested in the belief that she has no problem. If you say you don’t want to have kids or you’re not ready to settle down they’ll hate you forever but write you off.
If you say you don’t want to marry an alcoholic they’ll hound you forever to prove that you’re wrong.
Wishing you clarity and strength...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
She didn't just promise to quit drinking during the week last week (and not do it) she promised to do it in June too - and didn't (and how many times between then and now?). You challenged her on this.
You say to her - you were going to do that but you did not.
What is her reply? Yes you are right I did, maybe I need some help!? No - bring children in to the mix and I'll quit drinking. Really? Like millions of alcoholics before you that leave their SO home alone at night while they drink? That can't be trusted to be left alone with the children because they probably will drink. That can't get up to get the kids to daycare or school because they are too hung over.
Children are not detox, they are not AA and they are not rehab.
So I'm not going to sugarcoat. I just reread some of your posts and they all scream alcoholism and addiction. There is no question.
You are in some denial. It's sounds very much like you want to continue this relationship. Hey, you can if you want to you know? There is no rule that you have to break up with her because she is an alcoholic.
As long as you are 100 percent clear that you don't get one without the other. Again, not two people, one person. She is railroading you in to something you don't want. Why are you allowing that?
Oh by the way, I am not anti- drinking either and I also drink when I want to.
You say to her - you were going to do that but you did not.
What is her reply? Yes you are right I did, maybe I need some help!? No - bring children in to the mix and I'll quit drinking. Really? Like millions of alcoholics before you that leave their SO home alone at night while they drink? That can't be trusted to be left alone with the children because they probably will drink. That can't get up to get the kids to daycare or school because they are too hung over.
Children are not detox, they are not AA and they are not rehab.
So I'm not going to sugarcoat. I just reread some of your posts and they all scream alcoholism and addiction. There is no question.
You are in some denial. It's sounds very much like you want to continue this relationship. Hey, you can if you want to you know? There is no rule that you have to break up with her because she is an alcoholic.
As long as you are 100 percent clear that you don't get one without the other. Again, not two people, one person. She is railroading you in to something you don't want. Why are you allowing that?
Oh by the way, I am not anti- drinking either and I also drink when I want to.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
From your earlier thread last summer...
“Throughout the engagement I was miserable. I felt like I was going down a bad road with someone that was so addicted and couldn't get excited or show excitement for it at all. I was negative and unhappy for sure. Her drinking also created alot of chaos in other ways. I drove everywhere, and did 95% of the work around the house. She might not be the most tidy person to begin with, but the drinking and residual apathy and laziness only was made worse and really bothered me. ”
So what has changed, really? You went to therapy. That’s all, correct? Nothing on her end?
Here’s the link to your previous threads...sometimes it helps to see more clearly where we are when nothing much has changed from where we were...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8737221
“Throughout the engagement I was miserable. I felt like I was going down a bad road with someone that was so addicted and couldn't get excited or show excitement for it at all. I was negative and unhappy for sure. Her drinking also created alot of chaos in other ways. I drove everywhere, and did 95% of the work around the house. She might not be the most tidy person to begin with, but the drinking and residual apathy and laziness only was made worse and really bothered me. ”
So what has changed, really? You went to therapy. That’s all, correct? Nothing on her end?
Here’s the link to your previous threads...sometimes it helps to see more clearly where we are when nothing much has changed from where we were...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8737221
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by California123
Actions obviously speak louder than words--
As dandy so wisely said, there are many other beautiful, smart, amazing women in the world who are also caring, responsible, and adult. It might take a while to find someone you want to get serious with, but being single isn't the end of the world...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
California......you do know that doing all of the driving and doing 95 percent of the housework is enabling, don't you....?
Any time a person helps the alcoholic avoid the natural consequences of their drinking...it is enabling...…
Alcoholics loooove enablers. In fact, they have antennae that can detect an enabler type. right away.....
Any time a person helps the alcoholic avoid the natural consequences of their drinking...it is enabling...…
Alcoholics loooove enablers. In fact, they have antennae that can detect an enabler type. right away.....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Wow....I am so sorry to read about all this drama! Marry me or else? Good heavens!
I know breaking up and losing the dream of what we hoped our lives would be is so very hard and painful. I'll not tell you to stay or go with this woman, but consider this: she is unlikely to change unless and until she decides to do so.
If she remains exactly as she is now--active alcoholic, manipulative, lying, angry and abusive--is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? Because marrying her is not going to bring about some wholesale change in her personality and drinking.
I know breaking up and losing the dream of what we hoped our lives would be is so very hard and painful. I'll not tell you to stay or go with this woman, but consider this: she is unlikely to change unless and until she decides to do so.
If she remains exactly as she is now--active alcoholic, manipulative, lying, angry and abusive--is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? Because marrying her is not going to bring about some wholesale change in her personality and drinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
CA, I beg you to take a step back and try to get some perspective on this situation.
If you allow yourself to be bullied into marrying this person the only thing you will accomplish is building a breeding ground of resentment the likes of which could bury you.
If you give in, her incentive to actually make changes disappears. Marriage won’t fix her. YOU won’t fix her. Only SHE can fix her. This is something her family clearly does not understand.
A more reasonable negotiation in this situation (and a MUCH healthier one) would be for YOU to say, “Show me a year of recovery and I will consider a long-term commitment with you.” Even healthier would be two or three years. If she cannot or will not agree to that, then she just wants to be married—she does NOT necessarily want to marry YOU. In other words, she just wants an enabler locked in so she does not have to change. And YOU, my friend, deserve better.
If you allow yourself to be bullied into marrying this person the only thing you will accomplish is building a breeding ground of resentment the likes of which could bury you.
If you give in, her incentive to actually make changes disappears. Marriage won’t fix her. YOU won’t fix her. Only SHE can fix her. This is something her family clearly does not understand.
A more reasonable negotiation in this situation (and a MUCH healthier one) would be for YOU to say, “Show me a year of recovery and I will consider a long-term commitment with you.” Even healthier would be two or three years. If she cannot or will not agree to that, then she just wants to be married—she does NOT necessarily want to marry YOU. In other words, she just wants an enabler locked in so she does not have to change. And YOU, my friend, deserve better.
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