OKRunner

I posted here a lot a couple of years ago about my AXBF. I was able to move on from that (thanks to all of you) and dated a number of non-drinkers like myself. All of them were very nice but none of them were quite right. About 5 months ago I started dating a man and we initially got along so well. He was a devoted runner and cyclist, a really good cook, and it seems that we had the beginnings of a lovely relationship. I learned that he had been in recovery from alcohol for many years, He regularly attended and chaired AA meetings so I thought, okay, this is a totally different situation than my still-drinking AXBF so I'm not repeating my old patterns at all.

After a few months, he twice totally lost his temper, yelling at me about minor things, then apologizing about a week later. In my head, I told myself he had three chances. His third chance was two days ago at an airport, where he stomped off and refused to hug and kiss me goodbye because -- get this -- I asked him where the gas cap opener was on an unfamiliar rental car at 4 a.m. on a dark, rainy, cold morning where I had to drive another 3 hours in an unfamiliar part of the country. Sigh. He was so irrational and illogical that if I wasn't so hurt I would have laughed. Someday I will laugh about it but right now I'm just raw.

I am moving on ... but is this what is called a dry drunk? So he is sober from alcohol but still completely unable to regulate his emotions? I didn't want to not date him when he mentioned his history with alcohol use because that felt not right, but should I just never date anyone with a history of alcohol -- even if in very long-term recovery -- ever again?

ToughChoices

Alcoholics are people. Some are very emotionally mature and empathetic, and some really struggle with understanding and regulating emotions. I know many great guys in my home group who would definitely describe themselves as quick to anger - even after YEARS of sobriety. It doesn't make them bad people, but it would certainly knock them out of my dating pool (if I had one - I'm quite happily married).

I don't know that you have to make a hard and fast decision about kicking ALL men in recovery out of your possible partner set, but you CAN do that, if you want.

In my opinion, so long as you have solid boundaries about emotional behaviors (and it sounds like you do), you should be good.

Best of luck,
TC

sage1969

I'm not certain the emotional responses mean that he's "dry drunk," though it could very well be an indicator that he's going through a difficult time in recovery (I know my XABF was irritable, angry, and found fault with everything when dry drunk). All that aside, I think three strikes is a very reasonable way to approach this obvious pushback on your boundaries, and good for you for honoring your boundaries.

When dating we might meet people who are almost just right for us, but off just a bit, and perhaps this person falls into that category. Dating is a process of eliminating those off just a bit, til we find a person that is just right, not almost just right.

trailmix

Good for you and boundaries! Yes, that would be called "dry drunk" behaviour. Could it just be he has always had a short fuse? Maybe, or it could be that behaviours of alcoholism, this in particular, have never been addressed properly. Emotional regulation is a good description.

I wouldn't necessarily dismiss all recovering alcoholics, like sage mentioned, not everyone will be a good fit.

I would be interested to know (but only if you are comfortable sharing this) what his reaction was when you brought these things up to him (assuming you did at some point). Oh and the fact that it took him a week to apologize is also concerning.

Seren

I'm sorry you had to go through that! Regardless of what you label it, the bottom line is that you don't want someone in your life who has regular melt downs over insignificant things. That's the beautiful, and important point. Hurray to you for seeing it and moving on--for not feeling compelled to stick around and 'make things all better' for him. Go you!

OKRunner

Thank you as always for your help. I do think maybe he always has had an incredibly short fuse. I actually had (read: past tense) one too, but over the years I have simply forced myself to take deep breaths and to calm myself down until I can be kind and rational and professional in all situations, whether they be personal or professional. When I was younger, I ruined too many things based on my short fuse, and an as an adult (I'm now 49) I just don't want to be that person anymore and I haven't been that way for a solid two-plus decades or so.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for setting a boundary and sticking to it, and I already feel better about my decision after three days or so.

Yes, after each of the first two yelling episodes, he did apologize and seemed sincere. He said he would do better and he said he was ashamed and embarrassed of his behavior. He admitted that I did not deserve the behavior and that I deserved better. He sent me a text yesterday apologizing for the most recent (third) yelling episode. But it just rang flat to me.

Thanks again,
OK Runner

trailmix

Yeah, it's too bad, but that behaviour is just annoying (at best!). As you know, over time, it gets worse, the more comfortable someone gets with you, the more it generally progresses. I married someone with an anger problem, that never went away.

Yes, it's no use apologizing if you're going to keep doing it over and over lol!

Batgirl273

If someone gets sober and doesn't do the emotional/inner work, rather just replaces the behavior with something else (say running), thry haven't really dealt with the addiction, they are just sober.

Usually they drink for a reason. If that reason goes untreated, thats where dry drunks come from.

advbike

^^^ I would definitely agree with this post above. I would also add that those who do the work are often very well balanced people who have a lot of empathy and character, because they've had to struggle and fight their demons. In doing that we often grow as individuals. As they say - the unexamined life is not worth living. So many folks go through life on autopilot, concerned only about the superficial things as defined by society at large, with no search for greater meaning or purpose, or empathy for those who have had to struggle to make it. I would much rather date the former than the latter, assuming they don't act like dry drunks, lol.

mylifeismine

I totally get that you are wanting to understand the “dry drunk” dynamic, but this dude’s
behavior could simply be classified as MEAN, rude, immature, and selfish. What is
there about asking about a gas cap on an unknown car on a cold rainy 4 in the morning
that requires or calls for that kind of behavior?? Short fuse? About what?? Really. SMH
I hope you go completely no contact, ghost him, there is no reason to explain to someone
like this why you are done.

Some people are good at walking the walk, for a short time, until they can no longer
hide their true personality and that is why it’s so important to date someone for at least
a couple years so you can see how they handle the stresses of life, whether they are
in recovery or not. In his case, he did you a favor, early on.

trailmix

^^^^ Agreed!

OKRunner

Seren, you said, "Regardless of what you label it, the bottom line is that you don't want someone in your life who has regular melt downs over insignificant things. That's the beautiful, and important point. Hurray to you for seeing it and moving on--for not feeling compelled to stick around and 'make things all better' for him. Go you!" Thank you so much. Right. Regardless of why he acts like this, I don't want it. Insignificant issues will come up all the time and I don't want a baby who melts down over something that is just a fact of life.

Batgirl, you mentioned that he might have replaced alcohol with running and it's so funny that you say that, because he's super addicted to those things now and god bless the person who even accidentally comes in between him and those things. I'm super into sports but I am not like that at all.I want someone who is more balanced with their hobbies.

Finally, MyLifeIsMine, yeah, I think you've hit the nail on the head. Regardless of label, he's just mean. Plain, flat out mean. He's also rude, immature, and selfish. And I didn't want any part of that. I don't deserve any part of that. I've worked too hard on myself to take any part of that.

Thank you all, again, for helping me, now twice in my life. I've gone no contact and have been since two days before I wrote the original post and feel so much better but wanted to follow up and say thanks.

amy55

First I need to say that not all alcoholics are abusive and not all abusers are alcoholics. With that said this is his 3rd time going into a rage for really no reason. I think your decision to go No Contact is the right thing to do.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy