Distraught and torn
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
One more thought...does she want YOU...or does she want a sperm donor? It sound like she dumped you when she had another prospect. Then that fell through (maybe that break up might be a little different than how she’s describing it, yes?) and now she’s back to Plan B?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 66
RUN as fast as you can... to get checked for STDs IF you slept with her since her last "fling".
Do NOT get engaged to this woman.
Just don't.
Do not entertain the idea of marriage. Actually - block her number on your phone and all social media.
RUN!!!!!!
Do NOT get engaged to this woman.
Just don't.
Do not entertain the idea of marriage. Actually - block her number on your phone and all social media.
RUN!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
California, it sounds like she is both an A and a NPD like my sister. Unfortunately I didn’t figure out why she was so awful until I was 50+ years old and she is no longer part of my life by my choice. Even if she stopped drinking, you will see these toxic, undesirable traits if she does have NPD. “Triangulation” is what she’s doing to you with her parents. If you want to be absolutely beat down and miserable for the rest of your life, then go for it. For Gods sake do not have children with her. Please count it as a blessing that you are so aware early on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Life Rule #43 - if anyone says "marry me or else" - choose ELSE.
for the life of me i don't know how people like your A get away with the crap they pull. i see nothing amazing or attractive in selfish, deceptive, manipulative. i'm curious what YOU are "getting" out of this set up....there must be some pay off for you.
for the life of me i don't know how people like your A get away with the crap they pull. i see nothing amazing or attractive in selfish, deceptive, manipulative. i'm curious what YOU are "getting" out of this set up....there must be some pay off for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
Life Rule #43 - if anyone says "marry me or else" - choose ELSE.
for the life of me i don't know how people like your A get away with the crap they pull. i see nothing amazing or attractive in selfish, deceptive, manipulative. i'm curious what YOU are "getting" out of this set up....there must be some pay off for you.
for the life of me i don't know how people like your A get away with the crap they pull. i see nothing amazing or attractive in selfish, deceptive, manipulative. i'm curious what YOU are "getting" out of this set up....there must be some pay off for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by California123
Even though yes, this is one person, i feel as if I'm in a relationship with 2 people. I'm fighting for the one I love while trying to get rid of the other one, the drinker. I know, moderately insane but a solid amount of our time together is great. Makes it that much tougher to deal with.
"Cognitive dissonance, the mental conflict that occurs when beliefs or assumptions are contradicted by new information. The unease or tension that the conflict arouses in people is relieved by one of several defensive maneuvers: they reject, explain away, or avoid the new information; persuade themselves that no conflict really exists; reconcile the differences; or resort to any other defensive means of preserving stability or order in their conceptions of the world and of themselves. The concept was developed in the 1950s by American psychologist Leon Festinger and became a major point of discussion and research. https://www.britannica.com/science/cognitive-dissonance
That unease you feel when you think about marrying her? That's probably cognitive dissonance.
You explain away the "other person", make excuses for her behaviour, ignore - the next day - that she was unable to communicate the night before, that you found stashes of alcohol that she lied about, that she told you it was YOU with the problem and sent you off to therapy, that she immediately dated another guy to fill in while you were off getting "corrected".
That's why it feels like she is two people, because you can separate the two. It's a defense mechanism. Imagine how it would be to meld all of her personality traits and see her as one person.
In fact, it really is rather imperative that you do, don't you think?
As mentioned before, you can date, live with, marry an addict, there is no law that says otherwise. To do that, knowing what you know and not go in to it accepting her just as she is (not what any magical thinking makes her) does you a disservice of course, but it also does her one too because it means you are picking and choosing parts of her you like and not accepting her just the way she is.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
She has zero interest in getting rid of “the drinker” half.
It will persist; it will get worse.
You’re the only one who can decide if the good times are worth the threats and heartache when things aren’t so good.
Once innocent children are in the picture...”Yes, but your mom was a hoot when we first met!” Does that really cut it?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
It will persist; it will get worse.
You’re the only one who can decide if the good times are worth the threats and heartache when things aren’t so good.
Once innocent children are in the picture...”Yes, but your mom was a hoot when we first met!” Does that really cut it?
Wishing you strength and clarity.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
There are a lot of fun, intelligent women out there who are not alcoholics. The thing is, you won't meet them as long as you hang on to this one. She is not magically going to change if you marry her. Asking someone to marry you shouldn't be this hard. It should just flow and feel like the right thing to do.
If it's this hard now, it will be 100 times worse once you are married, and the absolute worst thing you could do is to have children with her. No one should knowingly bring children into an alcoholic home.
If it's this hard now, it will be 100 times worse once you are married, and the absolute worst thing you could do is to have children with her. No one should knowingly bring children into an alcoholic home.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
California, I’m trying to figure out a way to explain my thoughts. Hmmm, when we are in love with an alcoholic — everything becomes an extreme, both very good and very bad.
For ex; so many of us have mentioned that mornings are beautiful with our addicts. Sure, they may crack open a beer at 7am but they are laughing and cooking breakfast. They aren’t drunk... yet. They are funny and engaging. They may apologize for their drinking... and make a ton of promises over pancakes. We receive a glimmer of “hope” of what could be!
Then, by noon, they’re taking a nap on the couch.
By 6pm, they’ve finished an entire bottle of wine and perhaps a few beers. They start yelling and being combative. They pop open another bottle and then blackout. Our “hope” begins to fade and those feelings of sadness kick in.
These aren’t the actions of 2 people! These are the actions of one person... whose life is controlled by active addiction.
Then, hit repeat... over and over again!
When our addicts do something “normal” like going out to a restaurant without falling over, driving to the grocery store without beer in a coffee cup, etc etc... our minds feel a sense of relief. We say, Oh they can be an amazing partner! Look how much fun they are!
What is “normal” and boring for non-addicts — for addicts we instantly put them on a pedestal with a gold medal! Yes, they went grocery shopping without forgetting the lettuce! That means they could be a great wife!!??? Sounds crazy writing it down but I’m sure most of us thought or still think that way. Almost babying the addict.
See where I’m going with this...
I’ve been right where you are. Step back, breathe... and re-read all the posts you’ve written. Analyze the extremes... and what is your gut instinct telling you to do.
For ex; so many of us have mentioned that mornings are beautiful with our addicts. Sure, they may crack open a beer at 7am but they are laughing and cooking breakfast. They aren’t drunk... yet. They are funny and engaging. They may apologize for their drinking... and make a ton of promises over pancakes. We receive a glimmer of “hope” of what could be!
Then, by noon, they’re taking a nap on the couch.
By 6pm, they’ve finished an entire bottle of wine and perhaps a few beers. They start yelling and being combative. They pop open another bottle and then blackout. Our “hope” begins to fade and those feelings of sadness kick in.
These aren’t the actions of 2 people! These are the actions of one person... whose life is controlled by active addiction.
Then, hit repeat... over and over again!
When our addicts do something “normal” like going out to a restaurant without falling over, driving to the grocery store without beer in a coffee cup, etc etc... our minds feel a sense of relief. We say, Oh they can be an amazing partner! Look how much fun they are!
What is “normal” and boring for non-addicts — for addicts we instantly put them on a pedestal with a gold medal! Yes, they went grocery shopping without forgetting the lettuce! That means they could be a great wife!!??? Sounds crazy writing it down but I’m sure most of us thought or still think that way. Almost babying the addict.
See where I’m going with this...
I’ve been right where you are. Step back, breathe... and re-read all the posts you’ve written. Analyze the extremes... and what is your gut instinct telling you to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Speaks to her mom three times a day?
To me this is not close, it is enmeshed and unhealthy. You would
not be marrying this woman, but her whole family. They would
only respect you depending on her opinion of you on any day.
As much fun and laughter you are getting with this woman,
you will get much, much more suffering and misery- the likes
of no horror movie you have ever seen or imagined.
R. U. N. or prepare for unfathomable misery.
To me this is not close, it is enmeshed and unhealthy. You would
not be marrying this woman, but her whole family. They would
only respect you depending on her opinion of you on any day.
As much fun and laughter you are getting with this woman,
you will get much, much more suffering and misery- the likes
of no horror movie you have ever seen or imagined.
R. U. N. or prepare for unfathomable misery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Reading back over this and so thankful for everyone who gave me the advice and strength to get out of this situation. We haven't spoken in several years and after our final breakup, she married someone else less than a year later!! Thank you all, this place is an amazing source of guidance--
Member
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 4
wow good for you !! way to stay strong ……. I’m just reading this thread now but it sounds like you dodged a huge bullet.
She may otherwise be a super amazing person while sober but the alcoholism is a show stopper where marriage is concerned.
Hopefully you have no regrets and have moved on to a happier life. 🤗 Hugs.
She may otherwise be a super amazing person while sober but the alcoholism is a show stopper where marriage is concerned.
Hopefully you have no regrets and have moved on to a happier life. 🤗 Hugs.
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