Did you go out with a bang or whimper?
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Did you go out with a bang or whimper?
When I set my goals for my third year of sobriety I prioritized spiritual growth above all else. The first year was about survival, the second year was about righting my ship, now I'm focused on what I believe my relationship with God to be. I find myself reflecting quite frequently on the night I stopped drinking when I meditate. Did God save my wretched soul?
That is all personal and not the purpose of this thread. Thinking about the evening of April 13th 2017...it was remarkable just how unremarkable my final drink was. By this point I was drinking at all times throughout the day. On the ride to work. Sneaking drinks here and there while at work. On the ride home. At home until I pass out. Wash, rinse, repeat. I couldn't even get a good buzz anymore, now I was drinking to stave off the withdrawals.
As I was drinking what I didn't realize was my last bottle of whiskey I felt a growing dread as I watched the remaining level get smaller and smaller. I was barely feeling anything and I was pretty sure the rest was not going to knock me unconscious. I polished off the rest of it, there was no more booze in my apartment and it was too damn late to go get more.
I just looked at the empty bottle dejected. Well this sucks.
What happened next can be debated some other time. Was it a miracle? Did the stars align perfectly? Did I "snap out of it"? Maybe a calm and rational decision? Who knows. All I know is that in that moment I had made a completely binary transformation. In that fraction of a second I went from end stage alcoholic to newly sober individual.
That was it. It wasn't some catastrophic event like a drunk driving collision or ending up in prison or anything like that.
Now I'm curious how my experience relates to others. How was it for all of you? Was it a bang or a whimper?
That is all personal and not the purpose of this thread. Thinking about the evening of April 13th 2017...it was remarkable just how unremarkable my final drink was. By this point I was drinking at all times throughout the day. On the ride to work. Sneaking drinks here and there while at work. On the ride home. At home until I pass out. Wash, rinse, repeat. I couldn't even get a good buzz anymore, now I was drinking to stave off the withdrawals.
As I was drinking what I didn't realize was my last bottle of whiskey I felt a growing dread as I watched the remaining level get smaller and smaller. I was barely feeling anything and I was pretty sure the rest was not going to knock me unconscious. I polished off the rest of it, there was no more booze in my apartment and it was too damn late to go get more.
I just looked at the empty bottle dejected. Well this sucks.
What happened next can be debated some other time. Was it a miracle? Did the stars align perfectly? Did I "snap out of it"? Maybe a calm and rational decision? Who knows. All I know is that in that moment I had made a completely binary transformation. In that fraction of a second I went from end stage alcoholic to newly sober individual.
That was it. It wasn't some catastrophic event like a drunk driving collision or ending up in prison or anything like that.
Now I'm curious how my experience relates to others. How was it for all of you? Was it a bang or a whimper?
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I'd say both.
Came home from an appointment with a dual diagnosis psychiatrist who told me in no uncertain terms that the only recommended course of treatment was detox and inpatient rehab. Looked in the mirror and realized there really was no nother choice.
Went to rehab the next day. I'd been drinking wine around the clock for about 6 weeks straight, 5-7 bottles a day, I had a great collection. Real high-class binge. The last drink was a very good bottle of Pinot Noir from Central Otago in New Zealand that I'd been saving. Even got fancy and used a glass.
I barely remember this, and subsequently blacked out. Kinda came to while checking in to rehab.
Came home from an appointment with a dual diagnosis psychiatrist who told me in no uncertain terms that the only recommended course of treatment was detox and inpatient rehab. Looked in the mirror and realized there really was no nother choice.
Went to rehab the next day. I'd been drinking wine around the clock for about 6 weeks straight, 5-7 bottles a day, I had a great collection. Real high-class binge. The last drink was a very good bottle of Pinot Noir from Central Otago in New Zealand that I'd been saving. Even got fancy and used a glass.
I barely remember this, and subsequently blacked out. Kinda came to while checking in to rehab.
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,983
my last drink was 1/2 a beer so thats a whimper
since stopping drinking is not a solution ....
i had to get thrown into a locked psych ward when i was a year sober to hit bottom so thats the bang!
then i followed direction with a program of recovery and my life got better
since stopping drinking is not a solution ....
i had to get thrown into a locked psych ward when i was a year sober to hit bottom so thats the bang!
then i followed direction with a program of recovery and my life got better
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Nothing catastrophic for me. I awoke from a night of uncontrolled drinking, feeling wretched, and in a moment of divine clarity saw my drinking for what it was and where it was heading. Vowed at that moment to quit and that's how my recovery journey started.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Nothing catastrophic for me. I awoke from a night of uncontrolled drinking, feeling wretched, and in a moment of divine clarity saw my drinking for what it was and where it was heading. Vowed at that moment to quit and that's how my recovery journey started.
Although I wouldn't quit completely for another year, this is how it began.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
Both for me. Yeah, I got arrested for drunk driving that night. So that's the bang part. But it was my 3rd DUI, and I hadn't managed to quit on the first two. And that night was actually a "light" night of drinking for me. I didn't even think I was going to be over the limit when I got pulled over, and didn't have a hangover the next day. But while I was sitting in the police station that night being booked, I had a complete moment of clarity - a spiritual awaking, god moment, whatever you want to call it - and I knew in that moment I was done drinking. I saw in an instant that quitting completely and forever was the only way out of the misery my life had become. So the DUI was a catalyst, but in and of itself, it was not the REASON I stopped drinking that night. I cannot describe the feeling of relief and peace that washed over me in that moment. I'll never forget it.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Originally Posted by MLD51
Both for me. Yeah, I got arrested for drunk driving that night. So that's the bang part. But it was my 3rd DUI, and I hadn't managed to quit on the first two. And that night was actually a "light" night of drinking for me. I didn't even think I was going to be over the limit when I got pulled over, and didn't have a hangover the next day. But while I was sitting in the police station that night being booked, I had a complete moment of clarity - a spiritual awaking, god moment, whatever you want to call it - and I knew in that moment I was done drinking. I saw in an instant that quitting completely and forever was the only way out of the misery my life had become. So the DUI was a catalyst, but in and of itself, it was not the REASON I stopped drinking that night. I cannot describe the feeling of relief and peace that washed over me in that moment. I'll never forget it.
That's an amazing story. Thanks for sharing it.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
While I was actively drinking I did nothing short of BANG! (unless I only had 5 drinks, then I was usually "normal") - Pathetic, I know.
I got home from work started to drink some beers, a "friend" called and I packed up the little and walked over to her house, had some more beer, ran out of beer and went to the liquor store, got back to her place drank a captain coke and BAM. From there this is what I am told:
Someone (the ex) came to get my son- I didn't know where he was, I didn't know where I was... Blacked the F out.
I peed on their couch
I was walking my neighborhood in a tank top and panties
I went from their house to my house like this and then I decided to go back to their house, steal some food, write "F you" on their window with a permanent marker, walk back to my house, I cooked some food that was undercooked and ate it (i guess), I lost my phone. The kicker... My "friend" had just opened up to me and told me a secret, well DRUNK me doesn't keep secrets at all, and to this day I have no idea if I told her Husband what that was... My EX thought I had slept with her Husband while she was playing softball. Who really knows? Maybe those who were not lacked out. But really I dont care now what happened...
In the end, I got sober and my son is/was fine. I will never put him or myself in that type of situation again. That was the second time I put him in harms way. In order to not live with the guilt, I live sober
I got home from work started to drink some beers, a "friend" called and I packed up the little and walked over to her house, had some more beer, ran out of beer and went to the liquor store, got back to her place drank a captain coke and BAM. From there this is what I am told:
Someone (the ex) came to get my son- I didn't know where he was, I didn't know where I was... Blacked the F out.
I peed on their couch
I was walking my neighborhood in a tank top and panties
I went from their house to my house like this and then I decided to go back to their house, steal some food, write "F you" on their window with a permanent marker, walk back to my house, I cooked some food that was undercooked and ate it (i guess), I lost my phone. The kicker... My "friend" had just opened up to me and told me a secret, well DRUNK me doesn't keep secrets at all, and to this day I have no idea if I told her Husband what that was... My EX thought I had slept with her Husband while she was playing softball. Who really knows? Maybe those who were not lacked out. But really I dont care now what happened...
In the end, I got sober and my son is/was fine. I will never put him or myself in that type of situation again. That was the second time I put him in harms way. In order to not live with the guilt, I live sober
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welp, my fiance became my ex fiance somewhere in the midst of my last drunk. was that a " bang?"
for me it was the gift of desperation i was given the day after my last drunk. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality. i gave myself 2 choices: AA or suicide.
im still here and still sober.
only by the Grace of God.
for me it was the gift of desperation i was given the day after my last drunk. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality. i gave myself 2 choices: AA or suicide.
im still here and still sober.
only by the Grace of God.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
My final drinking days and months were a lot like yours, WeThinkNot.
The last 10 days or so, I commenced on a glide path toward getting help.
I was 31 years old, my career (such as it was) was all I had, and I knew that I would lose it if I kept drinking.
So I started looking at the Yellow Pages for treatment centers and addiction doctors.
I was utterly defeated by alcohol.
I couldn't understand why or how, because I craved it so much.
It had become like oxygen.
I couldn't imagine life without it.
I told the partners at my firm and they agreed to let me get help.
I started going into PAWS driving to the treatment center and the addictionologist.
I was drinking a tall boy can of beer and using it to wash down Xanax pills, but to no avail.
I emotionally collapsed in that doctor's office and he called my firm and told them I couldn't come back for a month or so.
I was completely demoralized walking through the doors of the treatment center.
Little did I realize that it was the most important day of my life.
The last 10 days or so, I commenced on a glide path toward getting help.
I was 31 years old, my career (such as it was) was all I had, and I knew that I would lose it if I kept drinking.
So I started looking at the Yellow Pages for treatment centers and addiction doctors.
I was utterly defeated by alcohol.
I couldn't understand why or how, because I craved it so much.
It had become like oxygen.
I couldn't imagine life without it.
I told the partners at my firm and they agreed to let me get help.
I started going into PAWS driving to the treatment center and the addictionologist.
I was drinking a tall boy can of beer and using it to wash down Xanax pills, but to no avail.
I emotionally collapsed in that doctor's office and he called my firm and told them I couldn't come back for a month or so.
I was completely demoralized walking through the doors of the treatment center.
Little did I realize that it was the most important day of my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Long story short, people change when they hurt enough and have to or when they learn enough and want to. I changed when God humbled me and I learned that I had lost my purpose in life. I changed my thinking and God changed my life. We all have a purpose. Finding that purpose, is what life is all about.
After 47 years of chemical abuse and a son who became a heroin addict and a wife that left me, I surrendered my life to Christ. My inability to help my son, or control my wife, left me with one viable choice- ask God for help. I had nothing to lose an everything to gain. I decided to give it a try and gave God 100% (Mark 12:30). I spend a lifetime resisting surrender because I wanted to be in control. Surrender was a weakness and meant I could not indulge in my false idols. I found that God's grace was sufficient for me for there is Power in Weakness. (2 Corinthians 12-9-10). Surrender starts with a simple yes or no choice, but is a lifelong process. In retrospect, I consider Surrender, "Intelligent Delegation," not a weakness. It can change your thinking and change your life if you allow it. (Romans 12:2). When you Surrender, God reciprocates with the Holy Spirit, a Helper if you will. (John 14:16). This results in new values or fruits of the Holy Spirit, one of which is self control. (Galatians 5:22-23). I like to call this,” Reciprocal Innervation.” This empowering biblical construct can be thought of as, "Intelligent Delegation and Reciprocal Innervation." Intelligent Delegation (ID) and Reciprocal Innervation (RI) equals Christ Driven Behavior (CDB). (ID+RI=CDB). There is no addiction with Christ Driven Behavior! That’s when your values trump your addiction, you are a New Creation! (2 Corinthians 5:17).
After 47 years of chemical abuse and a son who became a heroin addict and a wife that left me, I surrendered my life to Christ. My inability to help my son, or control my wife, left me with one viable choice- ask God for help. I had nothing to lose an everything to gain. I decided to give it a try and gave God 100% (Mark 12:30). I spend a lifetime resisting surrender because I wanted to be in control. Surrender was a weakness and meant I could not indulge in my false idols. I found that God's grace was sufficient for me for there is Power in Weakness. (2 Corinthians 12-9-10). Surrender starts with a simple yes or no choice, but is a lifelong process. In retrospect, I consider Surrender, "Intelligent Delegation," not a weakness. It can change your thinking and change your life if you allow it. (Romans 12:2). When you Surrender, God reciprocates with the Holy Spirit, a Helper if you will. (John 14:16). This results in new values or fruits of the Holy Spirit, one of which is self control. (Galatians 5:22-23). I like to call this,” Reciprocal Innervation.” This empowering biblical construct can be thought of as, "Intelligent Delegation and Reciprocal Innervation." Intelligent Delegation (ID) and Reciprocal Innervation (RI) equals Christ Driven Behavior (CDB). (ID+RI=CDB). There is no addiction with Christ Driven Behavior! That’s when your values trump your addiction, you are a New Creation! (2 Corinthians 5:17).
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I tend to avoid threads where I perceive there is the sense of 'differentiation'. What I mean is, horror story threads, or how low was your bottom threads, or how much did you drink threads and so on. Why? Because I spent so much time trying to rationalize, not just my drinking, but everything I did that I really shouldn't be doing. How I was different, or not as bad, or better than. Or conversely worse than. Its just a 'thing' for me.
But I read your post. And what occurred to me is, bang, whimper, it's relative. Or its semantics. Because your situation sounded, to me, bang worthy. In other words, your life was ****. As was mine. And still is sometimes, but not because of booze. Or, maybe sometimes the consequences of my drinking still come back to haunt me. Or, I have trouble, at times, with some of my challenges....with being the sober me. Sometimes, I don't like it. Most of the time I do.
I consider my story to be one long explosion. Bang. Dunno. But I was certainly whimpering.... But did some huge, awful bottom happen? I dunno. What is bottom?
Bang, whimper. If alcohol has leveled our lives to drinking simply not to die? That's a bang. However one gets to that place of awful surrender is all that matters. Then the acceptance can begin.
But I read your post. And what occurred to me is, bang, whimper, it's relative. Or its semantics. Because your situation sounded, to me, bang worthy. In other words, your life was ****. As was mine. And still is sometimes, but not because of booze. Or, maybe sometimes the consequences of my drinking still come back to haunt me. Or, I have trouble, at times, with some of my challenges....with being the sober me. Sometimes, I don't like it. Most of the time I do.
I consider my story to be one long explosion. Bang. Dunno. But I was certainly whimpering.... But did some huge, awful bottom happen? I dunno. What is bottom?
Bang, whimper. If alcohol has leveled our lives to drinking simply not to die? That's a bang. However one gets to that place of awful surrender is all that matters. Then the acceptance can begin.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
I tend to avoid threads where I perceive there is the sense of 'differentiation'. What I mean is, horror story threads, or how low was your bottom threads, or how much did you drink threads and so on. Why? Because I spent so much time trying to rationalize, not just my drinking, but everything I did that I really shouldn't be doing. How I was different, or not as bad, or better than. Or conversely worse than. Its just a 'thing' for me.
I've been thinking more about my final night of drinking over the past month than I have in the first two years of sobriety. Right now I'm trying to make sense of it all. There were a lot of negative consequences from my drinking over the years and I never wanted to stop. Then one nondescript evening I drank as I did every night and I intended to for the foreseeable future. When I was done I was done forever.
Just so many deep questions swimming through my head right now. How did I just stop out of the blue one night when my life had been terrible for years? Did God save me? That is the only thing I can conclude and I've meditated on the subject a lot. But if God saved me then why did He save me? Why aren't others still struggling saved?
I just wanted to see the experience of others to gather knowledge and meditate further on my relationship with God.
Thanks for all of the responses and for sharing some very personal moments in your lives. You have given me a lot to think about.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
I don't think it was either. Every so often dh and I would fight about it. We went to Oktoberfest, when we came home I decided to quit again. I had done months off before. So I said at least til Christmas, then 6 months, a year, then a decade, I accept it is forever now. Nothing climatic, it was time. Once in a while I read out my days sober to dh. 568,
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
My drinking was full of pain, rage, frustration, and despair about the past and all of the things I couldn’t change. Sobriety started, and has continued, with a quiet acceptance and stillness I didn’t think possible.
Not a bang, not really a whimper...more like a deep sigh.
-bora
Not a bang, not really a whimper...more like a deep sigh.
-bora
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Roger that and I could see that wasn't your intent once I read your OP! And hey, war story threads are fine. Just not my cuppa.
Maybe God was always there. You just needed to be desperate enough to hear it/him/her? I think a solution is there for all of us. Be it God, or emotional maturity or personal strength/faith. Or maybe a combination. Addicts seem to be able to tolerate and dole out incredible amounts of pain. What becomes our normal is absolute insanity to someone who lives life without addiction. A good day for an active alcoholic is not puking, or getting a dui or maybe sleeping a few hours. Something most humans take for granted.
I'm just glad you heard what you needed when you did. And great job on your stretch of sobriety. Every day sober is small victory indeed.
Maybe God was always there. You just needed to be desperate enough to hear it/him/her? I think a solution is there for all of us. Be it God, or emotional maturity or personal strength/faith. Or maybe a combination. Addicts seem to be able to tolerate and dole out incredible amounts of pain. What becomes our normal is absolute insanity to someone who lives life without addiction. A good day for an active alcoholic is not puking, or getting a dui or maybe sleeping a few hours. Something most humans take for granted.
I'm just glad you heard what you needed when you did. And great job on your stretch of sobriety. Every day sober is small victory indeed.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
Originally Posted by tomsteve
welp, my fiance became my ex fiance somewhere in the midst of my last drunk. was that a " bang?"
for me it was the gift of desperation i was given the day after my last drunk. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality. i gave myself 2 choices: AA or suicide.
im still here and still sober.
only by the Grace of God.
for me it was the gift of desperation i was given the day after my last drunk. the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality. i gave myself 2 choices: AA or suicide.
im still here and still sober.
only by the Grace of God.
I found myself at the hunting store browsing handguns. Didn't have the guts to buy one.
Went to the liquor store instead. That was my last bottle. I was in detox the next day.
TMI? A little too graphic? Sure. But if it saves a life, it's worth it.
Active alcoholism is nothing but death and destruction.
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