August252015

That is a terrific post, entropy. And you described a lot of how my husband would describe his decision to get sober (and change a LOT of things - about his life three years ago, before us) with the word "maturity." At first he called it "The Third Chapter" of his life (he turned 40 so breaking it up into "growing up" - "first marriage/fam life/young adulthood" and this new version) which I liked too.

kk1k5x

I was a little afraid to post in this topic, because I haven't experienced that moment of clarity, be it bang or whimper. Perhaps that is also a good enough reason to post.

Not having had that is, quite frankly, miserable. It's almost like there's a certain jealousy involved when reading about people that experienced it and after that everything fell into place for them (through hard work and support, of course).

I used to read recovery stories and mainly focus on more dramatic parts, i.e. how bad it got. In the past months, I've started focussing on the part where that 'moment of clarity' happened or could be assumed to have happened. If it's a bang, then it always seems very logical. When it's more of the whimper variety, people somehow almost skip over it. They were in active addiction and after X, Y, Z they were in recovery. For someone looking for that answer, but not looking forward to ending things in 'bang' fashion, and sincerely hoping that it's out there, that's an almost disappointing conclusion. Maybe that's looking for an easy way out? (I don't think that's the case, because I don't think people would ever want to end things in 'bang' fashion - although at times they'd give a leg to end things - they are just desperate to find how to work things out with as hushed of a whimper as possible - I'll admit, that might not even be possible - I don't have that experience).

As many have mentioned, most of the suggestions about how to deal with early sobriety and get into recovery start working after that 'moment'. Perhaps that could be a part of explaining relapses, especially if a person would answer that they never experienced that 'moment'?

That moment seems to be when a person, by the grace of every previous thought, experience, emotion, event and piece of external knowledge finally solves, for themselves, the 'divided by a common brain' problem of getting the parts of the brain that have been crying out for years for something to change to work in unison with the more powerful, older parts that run most of our life.

You can be dry without doing that. I got to 9 months. But I don't think a person can ever be free from the substance that dominates/d their life without solving 'it'. Whether to begin with or along the way.

I very much hope you guys keep discussing the topic, it's a suberb source of information about that very thing I've been trying to find an answer to.

WeThinkNot

When it's more of the whimper variety, people somehow almost skip over it. They were in active addiction and after X, Y, Z they were in recovery. For someone looking for that answer, but not looking forward to ending things in 'bang' fashion, and sincerely hoping that it's out there, that's an almost disappointing conclusion.

I remember being exasperated that I was still conscious and coherent after the ridiculous amount of whiskey I had consumed that day.

The first time I ever got drunk was probably similar to other addicts. Finally something that filled a void. Something that wasn't trying to criticize me or abuse me. A friend that would love me unconditionally.

Then oh so many years later I'm looking at an empty bottle as a completely broken and empty man. This thing which had taken so much away from me and now it couldn't even do the one thing it was actually supposed to do. Alcohol betraying me had somewhat hurt the worst out of any injustice I had endured whether real or perceived.

Maybe my recovery and my moment was born out of vengeance towards alcohol.

GrayJ

I was on holiday in Stockholm in March and as soon as my best friend and I got to our hotel, the first thing we googled was the nearest 'Systembolaget'. If you want to buy the strong stuff by the bottle in Sweden, that's where you have to go. So we go and spend over £100 between us on spirits and beer for a 4 night stay and on the Friday night my friend falls asleep and I stupidly decide to stay up drinking til the early hours. I woke up the next morning feeling like hell - nauseous, headache, dry mouth, anxiety. When we were in a taxi that afternoon, I wanted to throw up so badly but held it in! We actually went to Sweden for something called Melodifestivalen and it was on the Saturday, so I had ruined experiencing the thing I travelled all the way out their for. Something just clicked in me and the next morning I just thought "I won't do this anymore." Haven't drank since that Friday evening. It's hard but I'm over 2 months sober now and it's getting better.

Gray.

Pippo

I knew I was going to quit 3 days before I did. I knew I'd have 3 more sessions, which I did enjoy.

I chose to not experiment with my usual benders (10-12 large cans of strong lager), coupled with re-runs of popular sitcoms, and 20 odd Marlboros. The last one was no different, except that I knew it would be the last. My engine had simply run out of steam (emotionally/physically/mentally/socially). The tank was finally empty. I just couldn't turn to a beverage to cope with life anymore. My body knew it (and showed it). My conscious mind had known it for years. But it was something else that hammered the final nail in. Some call it God. I refer to it as the second part of my own brain.

Happyvale

Doggonecarl's expression "divine clarity" feels like ...well nailed it for me. In all honesty, I actually started a keto diet a few weeks back and noticed a real shift within. It was so significant I started to wonder if I have some sort of sugar allergy that somehow correlates with my alcohol issues. I'm actually still gnawing on that possibility. Since sobering just over a week ago.... everything feels so incredibly different - like I'm living the life I am meant to. Doesn't feel like a bang or a whimper.....feels like finally maybe hopefully...growing up.

DriGuy

It's a good bet that some mental processing has taken place prior to the event. When you find yourself in a downhill slide, it's normal to think about it, or worry a bit, or wonder. It might even happen at a level you aren't aware of. It's possible these moments come out of the blue, but in my experience, there is always some previous mental or physical activity that seems to drive these flashes of insight.

MLD51

I know that was true for me, DriGuy. It wasn't even subconscious. I had been "rehearsing" sobriety in my head for quite some time before I quit. But I was so scared of it. I think I had to get to the point where I was more afraid to keep drinking than I was to quit. When I got to that point, it was the tipping point..

ThatWasTheOldMe

All of these stories have one thing in common: being drunk all the time or binge drinking or using / drinking like most of us do is more painful than dealing with life sober.

Bobbieka

I can honestly say I don't remember the last time I had a drink. Not, I was too drunk and blacked out...I just don't remember.

I had (with the help of SR) finally been able to string together 2 months and started drinking again. I was miserable the entire time I was drinking. It wasn't the same. I started going to meetings and somewhere in there I stopped picking up the alcohol. I changed. Divine, whatever. It happened. I'm grateful.

So - the end was a whisper for me. I'm glad. There was enough bangs to last a lifetime.

MindfulMan

It also takes far more effort for basically no return. The constant negotiation with alcohol so that our lives are on track enough that we can continue to drink. "Moderate," "controlled," "high functioning" drinking is exhausting.

August252015

MM - so right. I was so completely exhausted in every way. I actually joined SR almost exactly 6 mo before I quit (hence my user name- I'm also a Leo so that too) and I knew SOME kind of an end was coming for those last months. I honestly didn't know whether I would quit or die until I had the stunning thought that day in the drs office that I didn't want to die. And I also had NO answer when he asked me why I was killing myself. None- no words left to say other than I'm DONE.

Living sober is easier in countless ways.

boreas

I struggle with the idea of “rock bottom”. My sibling has had countless medical, financial, and emotional consequences, but hasn’t quit yet. My mother asks, “Where is his rock bottom?” I’ve no clue, since he has a host of pain from his addiction and none of it was enough. I lacked any “public” consequences at all...no embarrassing parties, job loss, legal issues...and yet I was suffering an intense loss no one but could see. When I quit being able to call myself a good parent as I define one, that realization hit me like a brick. It is a fundamental relationship for me.

I guess I’m trying to say that what we lose may not make a spectacular story...it’s all about how much of what defines you gets lost in the haze. So I agree, it’s perspective.
-bora

August252015

^^^To that point, bora- I feel like "rock bottom" is often a great way to keep going, it's misleading, as in that word I love to add to sentences...YET. And like you said - plenty of folks don't get to the point I did (ie, did I want to live or die, in a yr, 18 mo, give or take?)- and keep going...some quit. My husband reached what was low enough for him - and he hadn't lost anything substantial- YET. At least, that's what he thought at the time, and since getting sober puts a lot of stuff in the "lost" or "not as good as they could be" columns.

Happyvale

That is incredibly interesting. Envisioning often becomes.

WeThinkNot

In the final days of my drinking I knew it would send me to an early grave but the concept of death was still abstract to me. As I was doing my round the clock drinking there was always the thought in the back of my mind "you're not going to reach 45" but I ignored it.

I first tried to get sober in 2014 and the only withdrawal I had were night sweats, it was surprisingly mild. The second time in 2016 was pretty rough. This most recent time was absolute torture. Death was no longer an abstract concept after surviving the last withdrawal.

Before I had a blasé attitude about alcohol killing me. Now I know that if I were to ever start up again it would mean not only death but an excruciating death. Once I truly accepted that I wanted to live I was able to start doing real work on myself.

kk1k5x

Would you say then that the switch flip happened when the reason/main motivation for stopping ...ceased being sourced from the past, e.g. 'this was horrible, I'm never drinking again' and switched to being sourced from a certain prediction about the future that becomes clearer and more real (and this realisation finally becomes 'tangible')?

I.e. one stops perpetually licking the wounds of the past and starts safeguarding their future, because someone/something finally set a date and time for your execution (however varied that 'notification' is in each person's experience).

bexxed

daisy1

BANG! Cardiac arrest during a fit and a devastated family around my bedside in icu has done it for me.

DriGuy

Rock bottom can occur at so many points that I've heard people describe themselves using the terms high bottom and low bottom drunks. Not only are the rock bottoms different, there aren't even effective tools to measure what point a person is on the scale.

I think I was a high bottom drunk. At least I've heard worse bottom stories than my own, but even at that, I would describe my low as nightmarish. And looking back on it sober, it seems more nightmarish than it did when I was living it. It's not like my personal "rock bottom" happened on one night. It was a period of my life that I was stuck in for months and getting worse by the week. I knew I didn't want to be like that, but I couldn't find my way out. It was awful.

"Rock bottom?" I guess it means where a person quits, and probably nothing more. Can you imagine some expert saying, "You're husband needs to quit, but he has to hit rock bottom, which will be in about 3 1/2 weeks, and I can't treat him effectively until then."