SoberRecovery22

I experience an extremely rare form of alcoholic hallucinosis. 1% of people experience visual hallucinations.

I say experience because it happened to me before...and the experience kept me sober for the first time in a decade for 2 years with no help. I recently had a falling out with my job and fell into depression.

I'm such a ******* idiot for doing it again. I drank nearly 2 handles and a pint of vodka over the course of nearly 3 days. For what purpose? I barely remember it.

Day 1 it starts with sweats to shivering to a stink I hate myself for. I puked on my floor and I don't have the strength to clean it up.

The visual hallucinations start about an hour in. At first they are open eyed. Seeing wallpaper on the walls, spiders, bottles of vodka Eveywhere, I mean everywhere. The closed eyed ones and the auditory ones are what is peering into hell under my eyelids. They spell out text. KILL YOURSELF, WE WILL KILL YOU IN HELL, THIS IS HELL **** YOU **** YOU. This is followed up with horrific graphic images of dead people. Sometimes from WW2, sometimes people being maimed as if they were right there in front of me. It's awful. While these are happening I hear voices "loser" sounds of the door opening or the wall banging. Day 2 is just as bad with no sleep. Afraid to move. Sometimes I close my eyes and it's a beautiful woman who proceeds to kill herself or snap her own neck. I have never experienced something so horrid and real.

Now I'm running into day 3 I need to sleep, the visuals pare still there but faint aren't enough for me to sleep. They toture me when I close my eyes. All will seem fine and then a demon is on my chest 2inches from my face. They faded so much it's like he'd be in a dark bedroom. It's scary as hell and I can't possibly sleep until it's completely black.

I need to clean my room, I need to get back in touch with my friends. I need to change my life. Rent is coming up and I need to start a course of action now but I did this to myself instead. I'm typing this on my phone and i can't even use the computer

Dee74

Hi and welcome SoberRecovery22
That sounds pretty rough - have you considered going to the ER?

D

babycat

That sounds so awful and scary my dear. I second what Dee says about getting to ER. Do you have a friend that could take you? What you are going through is absolutely no joke.

SoberRecovery22

I have no Health insurance, no Job. I believe I deserve this, it will help me get sober again. It lasted haullcations lasted around 3 days the last time but I drank more for longer. I'm just so emotionally drained right now. I needed to get it all in writing. I can't forget about it. I'm hoping the visuals will fade within the next few hours. I can still hear a lady who has been ******* with me for 3 days laughing at me from outside the window. I got a view into what schizophrenia really means and I wouldn't wish it on anyone

soberlicious

Please go to the ER.

SoberRecovery22

I made it through last time I can make it through this time. My room is embarrassing horrid. I wouldn't want anyone to see it. Also a big fat bill would ruin my life for a long time and I'm already in my early 30s I can't have that. I had a talent in the stock market and I blew it by leaving a **** retail job. Putting myself in debt would be devestating. I spent all my cash to live in a state of depression for a year.

Dee74

I understand the financial constraints but I'd rather have a debt and be safe,

I detoxed without apparent ill effect hundreds of times over 20 years.

I didn't get help the last time and ended up with a series of mini strokes. I'm doing ok now but man, I'll never be the same again....

Not suggesting that that will happen to you - just explaining my position.

Of course its your call.

D

SoberRecovery22

Just so everyone knows what I'm going through is not a form of DT. It's very close to it though. If I was going through DTs I wouldn't be typing this.

As I typed this "hello we love you, come back" as my mind so ****** that it's an actual hell? Every bit of contempt I have for myself is showing, and it's so clear why im depressed now.

I read that the people that withdrawal this way are usually bipolar or depressive. I need medication after this is over with. It will be weeks..maybe months before I can get to that point finicially. I wish we had better health care

SoberRecovery22

You say mini strokes, I check if they are there and now it's the grim reaper.

I really don't​ think I'll be in trouble it was a 3 day binge. If I have any type of seizure I will go immediately. When the hullcinations end I will be clear. I can see their fading more every hour and I've been eating something called Soylent that has every vitamin.

Meraviglioso

Hello to you SR22. I am going to be very frank but I want you to know that these words are said/written in a warm, caring tone. You sound very unwell. Your writing and thought process is erratic and makes it sound as if things are really not going well for you mentally. This concerns me greatly. I really hope you will reconsider going to a doctor or the hospital for help. I understand the debt issue, I do. But your health and life is worth it.
Please stay connected here as well. We can provide you mental support. But again, only a doctor can help you with this frightening physical situation. Please take care.

SoberRecovery22

As normal with detox and not sleeping for 3 day's. I am not in a good mental state but I'm not confused about what happened. I finally fell asleep only to wake up in a puddle of sweat hours later. May have been less than 1 hour, I lost track sitting through the visuals trying to sleep through them.

I've been reading about this all night and DT's don't start until your hands start shaking. The audio haulcinations have completely faded and the visual almost completely too. I've taken vitamins the doctor would give you and been drinking water all night. I'm a stubborn person it's how I got here but I cannot risk a debt 30k+ or even more. It would set me back so far. I need money to make money and a lifetime of **** jobs wont cut that with that amount of debt. I've never been in debt in my life.

If I were to start shaking I'd immediately call 911. It's very hard to fall asleep because I'd guess my serotonin is completely out of whack. This detox was worse than the first, more scary. if I do this again I'm sure theirs a serious risk of death. My brain can't handle it anymore. This is motivation enough to seriously seek treatment. On no sleep I'm feeling a lot better but I believe sleep might be out of the question until mid afternoon when I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep instantly.

I hope people read this and realize yes. This could be you. I was the kid that would never be like his father. Then the kid that would never be worse than him. Now I may have beaten him. Take this addiction into your own hands now while you still can. Once you reach the bottom of the hill it's a long way up.

BreezyFe

ugh-just typed and session expired~everything "poof".

let me remember:

I perhaps can relate at a different level. When I would withdrawal I would get the horrid, dark dreams (usually 1-2nd day). They would be so scary that in the dream I knew it was a dream & forced myself awake (scared, sweaty mess). I would try & stay awake. It was almost like the movie "Nightmare on Elm Street". So vivid I didn't want to dream anymore.

But unlike you these happened when I'd be dozing off/try to fall asleep/in the middle of the night. I believe it was my sane mind fighting my alcoholic brain trying to make sense.

I've gone thru many at home withdrawals. Each time was worse than the other. Only you can know your own body and make the decisions that you know you need.

Best wishes to you.

SoberRecovery22

Imagine those dreams being there everytime you close your eyes communicating directly with you. Part of me wishes everyone had these haulcinations when detoxing..great motivator to stop.

I had the nightmare dreams when I finally got some sleep. They finally faded after waking up from 2-3 of them.

Detoxing is no fun, the paranoia, heightened sense of fear and the emotional rollercoaster part is enough to drive anyone crazy.

Wastinglife

Been there many times my friend. Still paranoid my neighbours come into my apartment and steal stuff. At one point, I had a plan to wait for them outside and confront them in a dark alley, beat them into a confession. My neighbours of course were normal people who I had never even met really. That is what addiction can do to the mind. Stick with it. Stay home for a few days. You will come back to yourself soon.

rayna87

I don’t mean to be blunt or harsh but there’s no reason to sugar coat this given what’s at stake....my uncle was a severe alcoholic and when he tried to quit cold turkey when his daughter/my youngest cousin was coming home from college, he experienced something very similar. He felt like he was covered in snakes, saw snakes covering the walls, and he scared the **** out of my aunt so badly that she begged him to drink his vodka to make it stop. He died not even a year later from the effects of alcoholism. Again, I hate to just bluntly say that and don’t mean to scare you but at the same time....this sounds like something that needs a doctor’s help. Please take care!!!