Hello to you SR22. I am going to be very frank but I want you to know that these words are said/written in a warm, caring tone. You sound very unwell. Your writing and thought process is erratic and makes it sound as if things are really not going well for you mentally. This concerns me greatly. I really hope you will reconsider going to a doctor or the hospital for help. I understand the debt issue, I do. But your health and life is worth it.
Please stay connected here as well. We can provide you mental support. But again, only a doctor can help you with this frightening physical situation. Please take care.