Starting a support thread
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
When my relationship was in crisis due to my drinking:
1)I made and stuck to a strong sobriety plan,
2)got a "Plan B" started in case my spouse chose to not stay in the marriage,
3)spent many hours working on my physical and emotional health.
4) faced the very difficult task of owning my behavior and choices, and worked to accept the fact that my spouse had free will and every right to leave the marriage should he so choose.
5)Cried and processed pain, anger, fear, and many other emotions I had "stuffed" into the bottle.
6)In therapy, I really focused on seeing from my spouse's perspective what impact my actions had had on him, and why he was upset and angry enough to want out of the marriage.
This one really helped me develop empathy--
7)Tried to morph my shame, hurt, and anger into self-compassion and love
and to accept that I had an opportunity to learn and grow into a better sober person, or to become bitter, angry, and blaming. That took some time, but of all the steps I've taken, it has yielded the most benefit and peace in my life.
We are human and learning--we all make mistakes, but I had to accept the fact that some mistakes may not be fixable. Painful, but also it freed me to focus on myself and my recovery, whatever the outcome of the relationship.
Oddly enough, I now see my addiction and recovery as a kind of gift which was like an accelerated course in becoming a better human and processing pain I have carried since childhood. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and was very damaged in terms of self-esteem, safety and trust, and accepting tantrums and verbal abuse as "normal" parts of a relationship. That didn't translate well into adulthood for me.
Hope this helps--it is possible to recover and to be a better, healthier, and stronger person from all this suffering.
In my view, that is the real purpose of suffering.
There are lots of us "success stories" out there BC, but facing the truth and doing the work are not easy at times.
1)I made and stuck to a strong sobriety plan,
2)got a "Plan B" started in case my spouse chose to not stay in the marriage,
3)spent many hours working on my physical and emotional health.
4) faced the very difficult task of owning my behavior and choices, and worked to accept the fact that my spouse had free will and every right to leave the marriage should he so choose.
5)Cried and processed pain, anger, fear, and many other emotions I had "stuffed" into the bottle.
6)In therapy, I really focused on seeing from my spouse's perspective what impact my actions had had on him, and why he was upset and angry enough to want out of the marriage.
This one really helped me develop empathy--
7)Tried to morph my shame, hurt, and anger into self-compassion and love
and to accept that I had an opportunity to learn and grow into a better sober person, or to become bitter, angry, and blaming. That took some time, but of all the steps I've taken, it has yielded the most benefit and peace in my life.
We are human and learning--we all make mistakes, but I had to accept the fact that some mistakes may not be fixable. Painful, but also it freed me to focus on myself and my recovery, whatever the outcome of the relationship.
Oddly enough, I now see my addiction and recovery as a kind of gift which was like an accelerated course in becoming a better human and processing pain I have carried since childhood. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and was very damaged in terms of self-esteem, safety and trust, and accepting tantrums and verbal abuse as "normal" parts of a relationship. That didn't translate well into adulthood for me.
Hope this helps--it is possible to recover and to be a better, healthier, and stronger person from all this suffering.
In my view, that is the real purpose of suffering.
There are lots of us "success stories" out there BC, but facing the truth and doing the work are not easy at times.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
There's more to a relationship than a feeling of being a great mother. There's also being a great partner. Even sober partners find they are not compatible. You can't change the past. I do hope the future is brighter for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
A great mother has nothing to do with being a great partner so is unrelated to the divorce really. You are only very recently sober. I am still in my marriage a year after my RAH came out of rehab but it is hard to overcome what I had to got through for many years. At this point I am still working on it but I honestly do not know that our marriage will survive this. They typically say do not make any life changing decisions for the first year. That said, if my H had come home after only 30 days in rehab I am fairly certain I would have bailed. He has changed a lot and for the better but what his drinking did to our relationship and my feelings for him is really hard to change. Your cannot control your husband. But you are sober and able to be a good mother to your child again. If your husband does not want to stay married then he has his reasons but that does not mean you cannot continue to be a good mother to your child. Life is no picnic being married to an A. I applaud you for being sober and wanting to stay sober, but that does not erase what your drinking did to your relationship and sometimes too much damage has been done. We have usually been through several cycles of sobriety and it can be hard to believe that this time it will stick. Only time will tell. Focus on your recovery and staying clean and being a good mom. That's all you have control over. Your husband may change his mind if he sees that you are doing well and have changed. But he may not.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Wow Babe, your tone leaves something to be desired, even in the way you ask for help.
But I'll play ball; I'll help.
What you need to do, IMO, is to step farther back from your situation & start seeing it with new eyes. At least - that's what *I* would strive to do if what I'd been doing for years hadn't worked & I felt like maybe my back was up against some kind of wall. Figuring out how to change what hasn't worked & move forward benefits your whole family whether you divorce or not. Accountability & humility to the reality of what it's like for the F&F members caught up in the maelstrom of addiction goes a long, long way.
There is SO MUCH HISTORY here on SR that you could seriously benefit from reading if you can read it for WHAT IT IS and not with JUDGMENT about your own life & present experience:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ide-fence.html (What does it look like on the other side of the fence?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...g-article.html (Adult Child of Alcoholic - interesting article)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tirely-aw.html (Trying to cut off kids entirely to AW)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-my-kids.html (I feel bad for my kids)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...your-kids.html (When did you start seeing changes in your kids?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ds-stay-w.html (How it impacts the kids to stay w an A)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-long-run.html (Stories of how kids handled the situation in the long run...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-do-kids.html (What does living with an alcoholic do to kids?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oa-denial.html (My ACoA and denial)
But I'll play ball; I'll help.
What you need to do, IMO, is to step farther back from your situation & start seeing it with new eyes. At least - that's what *I* would strive to do if what I'd been doing for years hadn't worked & I felt like maybe my back was up against some kind of wall. Figuring out how to change what hasn't worked & move forward benefits your whole family whether you divorce or not. Accountability & humility to the reality of what it's like for the F&F members caught up in the maelstrom of addiction goes a long, long way.
There is SO MUCH HISTORY here on SR that you could seriously benefit from reading if you can read it for WHAT IT IS and not with JUDGMENT about your own life & present experience:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ide-fence.html (What does it look like on the other side of the fence?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...g-article.html (Adult Child of Alcoholic - interesting article)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tirely-aw.html (Trying to cut off kids entirely to AW)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-my-kids.html (I feel bad for my kids)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...your-kids.html (When did you start seeing changes in your kids?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ds-stay-w.html (How it impacts the kids to stay w an A)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-long-run.html (Stories of how kids handled the situation in the long run...)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-do-kids.html (What does living with an alcoholic do to kids?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oa-denial.html (My ACoA and denial)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Babescake, I will be a friend through this . Divorce for any reason is hard and it hurts like hell. But there is life and light on the other side. Hang on.
To begin: Get a yellow tablet and start making lists:
—what kind of living situation do you want? House? Apartment? Condo? Keep the old house?
—how will you support yourself? Do you work? Need alimony? Retirement money? Other savings?
—kids? Who gets custody? Who raises them? What is best for them?
—lawyer. Get one. Get a woman. Do not feel guilty about asking for what you need. Do not feel guilty about taking half his pension. Get health care. Get what you need.
Keep that yellow pad handy and keep making lists!!
To begin: Get a yellow tablet and start making lists:
—what kind of living situation do you want? House? Apartment? Condo? Keep the old house?
—how will you support yourself? Do you work? Need alimony? Retirement money? Other savings?
—kids? Who gets custody? Who raises them? What is best for them?
—lawyer. Get one. Get a woman. Do not feel guilty about asking for what you need. Do not feel guilty about taking half his pension. Get health care. Get what you need.
Keep that yellow pad handy and keep making lists!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Several post have been removed from this thread and it has been temporarily closed pending action by the adminstrators. Another thread was temporarily closed for similar reasons last night, please try and remember that we are a support community when making responses to others.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
The original question is about dealing with divorce immediately after finishing rehab. The people with experience in rehab and addiction are over in the Newcomers forum and they will be able to provide personal experience on the subject.
For that reason I have moved this thread over to Newcomers.
Mike
Moderator, SR
For that reason I have moved this thread over to Newcomers.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm sorry you're facing divorce babescake.
I was never legally married but I did manage to burn through two long term realtionships.
I was - and I hope still am - a good person, maybe even a great guy.
But the stresses and strains of having to deal with what effectively was a third partner in our relationship (the bottle) was, eventually, too much for them to bear, no matter how awesome I was when I sober.
It hurts I know, and right now I'm guessing it doesn't seem fair - but people reach the end of their tether sometimes...they make a decision and all we can really do is accept that.
I stayed with recovery because I wanted to be a good person all the time, not just 90%.
Eventually I met someone, someone who's never known me as a drinker nd never will.
It's the best relationship of my life.
I don't know what your future holds basbescake, but I wish the same for you
D
I was never legally married but I did manage to burn through two long term realtionships.
I was - and I hope still am - a good person, maybe even a great guy.
But the stresses and strains of having to deal with what effectively was a third partner in our relationship (the bottle) was, eventually, too much for them to bear, no matter how awesome I was when I sober.
It hurts I know, and right now I'm guessing it doesn't seem fair - but people reach the end of their tether sometimes...they make a decision and all we can really do is accept that.
I stayed with recovery because I wanted to be a good person all the time, not just 90%.
Eventually I met someone, someone who's never known me as a drinker nd never will.
It's the best relationship of my life.
I don't know what your future holds basbescake, but I wish the same for you
D
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