Stung

I just made AH blow into his Soberlink. Alcohol detected. Busted. Made him leave and of course he's all apologies only I don't engage or respond, a first for me. Next he started blame shifting. More silence from me. Finally, threats. He's going to quit his job. I'll have to move. No money. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. The thing that makes me sad is that however he thinks he's going to punish me (punish me because he's an alcoholic who CAN drink, ya know, because he's super special) is in reality only an act against our daughters. I can break free from him. Sadly my girls cannot.

He left saying that he's not an alcoholic and that he sees nothing wrong with having a few beers. I smiled. Okay buddy. I don't care what you say as long as your ass leaves. Whatever logic your alcoholic voice is feeding you has no value to me.

I really like him when he's sober. Too bad he doesn't like himself as much as I like him.

CodeJob

Oh Stung,

I am sorry to hear your H is not gaining good days.

HealingWillCome

Oh, Stung. The merry-go-round spins again. You sound strong though and I'm thinking, 'you go girl'. Way to NOT engage and recognize the alcoholic voice, the rationalizing, the quacking...all of it for what it is. I'm just sorry you're having to deal with it.

Having children with an alcoholic partner is just heart-breaking at times. They don't deserve the hand they've been dealt. And it's not like we chose it intentionally for them, so we have to believe that all will be okay in the end. YOU are working hard to be the best you, the best parent, the best care giver...and that's all you can do. One day at a time, live in the present, love them like crazy, make them feel loved and secure and special and beautiful. Keep doing what you're doing. You're on a healthy path.

Stung

Thank you. I just wish he wouldn't have relapsed right after I went no contact with my mom. The first thing that went through my mind was that I need my mom. She would only blame me for his relapse or try to convince me that maybe he really isn't an alcoholic after all. I am sad though. I like spending time with him when he's trying to be sober. He sucks when he's been drinking though. If he keeps drinking I'm going to have to divorce him. I'm not sure how many more once a month relapses I can handle from him but a prolonged bender will be a game ender for me.

HealingWillCome

I understand the sadness. Our A's are much easier to love when they're not under the influence. I'm sorry about your mom, too. It compounds the sadness, no doubt. I just had thoughts of an exercise I used to do when dealing with learning to heal from abandonment wounds caused by my alcoholic father. The exercise is from the book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It has you picture yourself as a small child, your inner child, wrapped in the arms of your HP receiving whatever love/needs you were neglected by your abandoner(s). It's been a long time since I've done the exercise (I may be messing up some of the details), but as simple as it sounds, it was pretty emotional for me and healing at the same time. Maybe the book is something you can consider picking up at some point. I don't think it's too far-fetched to say that your mother's personality issues have caused some abandonment wounds in you. Neglect is a form of abandonment. Lack of nurture, lack of unconditional love...forms of neglect. Sorry if I'm stepping way out of context here, but those were things that came to me while responding to you. Just know that we love you here.

jarp

I'm so sorry Stung. Enforcing our boundaries, whilst ultimately empowering, can also hurt when we do it. I empathise with your pain for your kids....I also feel that mine didn't ask for this, have no choice, and it pains me to know I can not protect them from the hurt that having an alcoholic parent causes.

Hopefully he'll keep trying and one day it might stick. Doesn't mean you have to stick around for that, but I ultimately hope my AH hits recovery one day so he can try an amend for the pain our child will feel.

Florence

It does feel sad, it does feel yucky. The disappointment for me was always nearly overwhelming.

My counselor always said that the only way over it is through it -- to feel the feelings, to grieve, to feel disappointed, then let them pass. For all the bad feelings, they aren't facts. The facts are that your recovering husband is always relapsing.

Are you certain he is actually abstaining for extended periods of time, and this is a relapse? Or is it that he just finally got caught again?

FeelingGreat

The sober link is a real blessing Stung. The alternative of him driving with the kids on board is unthinkable.

Stung

He does sober link several times a day. Last night he was being a real a-hole so I asked him to use his breathalyzer because I didn't hear him do it when he got here (one of our agreed to stipulations of him being here, I made him write it up and we both signed it) and he blew and it showed as alcohol detected. There could have been more but his biggest red flag is his behavior. Sober AH versus Drunk AH is a complete 180. For the past month he's been really nice and humble. Last night was pompous, proud, blame shifting, a-hole AH.

He asked his therapist to randomly start pee testing him last week because he felt like he could trick his breathalyzer. I think he could feel this relapse coming and was grasping at straws.

I was texting with his sponsor last night and he thinks that AH needs some intensive emotional work, maybe rehab. The stuff with AH's family is very similar to his sponsor's but AH is still stuck in accepting the unacceptable from his FOO. Been there, done that. IF he's going to break away from them, he'll have to do it in his own time.

It's disappointing but I don't know what to do about it, if anything. At this point, it doesn't really effect me except for his drunken threats stinging a little bit. Thankfully I have counseling today and I'll ask for her input. It's just that at this point our good times are heavily outweighing the bad times. AH seems to relapse once a month or slightly less and relapses for a day. The time in between relapses have been good, not great but good. I have the urge to threaten him to do outpatient rehab or I'll divorce him but I think that's controlling and satisfying something unhealthy in my own personality. Or maybe not. I'll see what my counselor says.

Stung

Oh, his sober link isn't attached to his car, it's a big handheld thing that he carries with him in his briefcase all day long. He blows in it 4 - 5 times a day and he needs to do it as soon as he walks in the door here if he wants to be in my home. It's a fair request. He can drink to his hearts content but he cannot be in my home or with our girls while he's drinking. Period. He at least has the mind to agree with that.

yensid

I'm sorry that this happened. But I admire your courage and strength to stick to your guns. I wish I had that when my H blew a .02 a month ago.
I used to make him blow for a long time but then I didn't. I still don't make him. But now he is not allowed to be with my kids (not his) or drive. Trust is gone.

MissFixit

Timing sucks, right? Another way of looking at it is that you are seeing who and what they really are now. No more denial for stung. tough, tough, tough going through it. long term you will be better off. stay in reality.

FireSprite

I'm sorry Stung, that's disappointing. And you're completely right - it's the kids that REALLY miss out overall. And him if/when one day he wakes up & realizes he missed all this GREAT stuff that they are doing at these ages, playing with developing their individual personalities. You can't get that back again, it's so precious. Keep on being a Strong Mama!

(and pssssst!! you know what I'm gonna say...... do something awesome FOR YOU today!)

readerbaby71

I'm sorry, girl. Thinking of you and your kids and sending you much love. xoxox

SparkleKitty

I'm so sorry, Stung. Very disappointing. It does however sound like you handled it extremely well, and recognizing how it impacts you because you are making healthier choices about your Mom is important (even though I know it is especially painful). A big part of recovery is learning and finding new ways to deal with triggers and not just automatically reacting the way we've always done. Proud of you.

Thumper

The issue of the kids is the one thing I can't let go of. I harbor all kinds of negative emotions regarding that.

I sooooo admire your strength and boundaries. I wish I'd have caught on so fast .

PS - FWIW (not much - ha!) in my mind once a month relapse is not recovery at all. That is just active addiction.

Stung

I used to agree with this but my counselor explained that recovery is progressive just like alcoholism is. I'm not sure at what point a relapse becomes the norm rather than a natural part of recovery. Idk. He was sober from late January until late May and this is his 3rd relapse since that one. He's only human. I don't expect him to be perfect. Truly, I don't expect much.

HopefulinFLA

I'm sorry Stung. Wish I had some wisdom to share, but it sounds like you've got this handled very well. You're getting pretty darn good at this!

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's AH is really not an A and can have a "couple" of beers. Lmao! It's so asinine it's laughable!

We should all get together someday and write a compilation of short stories about our adventures with an active A! Maybe I shouldn't be poking fun at any if this, but some days if I don't laugh all I can do is cry.

Lots of love to you and your girls!

FireSprite

I have often pondered on that point (do regular relapses = active addiction?) & ultimately decided it's subjective based on behavior alone (drinking/using) because in my personal definition recovery is as much about the emotional progress & overall awareness that it involves. And who am I to judge how Aware someone else is?

At the same time, it can be argued that actively drinking in & of itself tends to halt the process of introspection, especially if there's still a strong amount of denial.

I do think it's curious in the way of understanding the psychology behind it - not so much about crossing the street to judge the other side.

hopeful4

Awe Stung, I am so sorry. I know this is a great disappointment to you.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

Ps....I have a wonderful Mom, but I really only see her on the weekends. Soo....I have adopted in a couple of extras. I have a dear friend at work who mothers me, and another one from CR. I have adopted them in as my during the week moms, or rather they have adopted me in LOL. Open yourself up to getting lots of support from lots of people.