CountryChick

My last post was in May when I was 90 days sober and I was so proud of myself (maybe I was too proud, I don’t know). Everything in my life was actually going great for once and I felt I had lost the desire to want to drink. But, 3 days later my “live in” boyfriend went out of town for the night and my son was away at a friend’s. So of course what’s the first thing that I wanted to do?!? Yep, you guessed it!! I came home from work with a 12 pack. I thought to myself I have the whole night alone, what will it hurt, no one will know. I’ll just drink a few and there will be no harm and maybe I can prove to myself that I can drink a few just to relax. Well that didn’t happen I ended up drinking til I passed out. I evidently called my boyfriend and I don’t remember. The next day I felt miserable and my boyfriend came home and we had a huge fight. I stopped taking my depression meds, I stopped seeing my counselor and I stopped looking on this forum. I have been so ashamed and I hate myself for throwing away those 90 days of sobriety. Now for the last 2 months I’ve been stuck in the same rut as before. My boyfriend and my son have a lot of anger towards me and I don’t blame them. But, I just continue getting worse because I’ve been drinking liquor and me and liquor DO NOT mix. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I can’t get off. I am going to kill myself if I don’t stop. And I’m already killing the people I love in the process. I absolutely hate living like this. I’m afraid I will never be free from this. I really, truly, honestly want to be sober. Drinking does not make me happy anymore so I don’t know why I crave it. I crave the happy, carefree, calm feeling it gave me years ago, instead it makes me feel like crap. I have been ashamed to post on here but I had to let it out.

Nonsensical

That's called addiction. I had it bad, too.

You were sober for 90 days before. You know how this starts. Get after it!

Welcome back! You can do this!

doggonecarl

Then really, truly do whatever it takes to get sober. Clear your house of booze. Get back to your counselor. Log into SR every day. Get to a meeting, get a sponsor, work the steps.

Sobriety doesn't come to the folks who want it the most, is comes to those who support the decision to get sober with action.

You can do this.

Cherrybreeze

All you can do is move forward. It's tough to reconcile what you WANT to get out of drinking vs what you ACTUALLY get out of drinking, I think especially after having some sober time in - you think the clock will "reset," so to speak, and it will become something a) enjoyable and b) easy to moderate. All that's kept me from testing that theory is what I've read here, and seeing for other people that it doesn't work like that. I've been able to resist it, and hope that I can continue to.

If this is the first slip you've had since you've been sober, you've learned a lot from it; focus on that. Now you know that those thoughts are lying to you. Use this when the urge comes on again down the road.

Soberwolf

Here is help building a plan

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

CountryChick

Thank you all for responding. I drank again last night because I had some liquor left(what an excuse right?) I already felt miserable and it's terrible but I just wanted to drink fast so I could go to bed, pass out, and not think about anything. My son for the 1st time opened up and told me how much he hates when I drink. He's tired of wondering if I've been drinking. He don't even like to talk to me anymore because he's afraid he might say the wrong thing and set me off if I've been drinking. He said every time I start to believe and trust you it happens again. And of course that made me mad last night. I just told him to leave me alone, that him and everyone else is better off without me. I also told my boyfriend the same thing, then I went to bed and passed out. Well this morning I feel awful for acting that way. My boyfriend didn’t say anything to me. I wrote my son a note this morning when I left for work and I apologized. I told him I wanted to get sober and start counting days again. I told him how sorry I was. But, he's heard that all before. I feel like the worst mom in the world. This is the usual cycle for me. I hurt everyone while I'm drinking and at the time I don't care. Then after it’s all said and done and I'm sobered up I regret everything and I feel so awful! Thank you all for the encouraging words. I know what I need to do. I just need to make it through this day sober and do it again tomorrow. I wish it was as easy as it sounds...

CountryChick

Thanks Soberwolf for sharing this link. I will definitely read and study everything, it looks very helpful.

August252015

I remember feeling and saying exactly the same things to my mother. It was so, so painful when she was in the throes; I did not trust her for years and that was a process that stretched and stretched because she kept violating my trust til she finally got sober. Then again 10 years later - that I could prove, though there were other times she has since told me I was right about. You can't stop for him, but please consider that his perspective and pain are legitimate.

Guilt is legitimate too, but can keep you stuck.

It isn't easy at all - we all know that- but you got a good start in 90 days and can do it again.

Re meds and therapy. Please do go back if you need the help and the drugs, as it sounds like. I really messed around with myself towards the end of my drinking last year by (in addition to drinking) skipping appointments, and taking my meds other than as prescribed or sometimes not getting them refilled. Dangerous and unproductive towards sobriety.

Glad you are here. I hope you make a plan and start on it.

CountryChick

Thank you August. I know the first thing I need to do is take my meds and get an appt with my counselor. And I do want to make a plan. My problem is going to be when I leave work today. That's when I forget my plan and I buy booze. I know that I have to be stronger, because I have done it before, I was sober for 90 days and it was very hard at first.

doggonecarl

Then have a plan, or the rudiments of one, before you leave today for home. It should contain what you aren't going to do:

1) I'm NOT going to buy booze today

And what you are going to do instead of drink.

2) Spend time with son...Read Big Book of AA (or whatever).

Key part of the plan? NOT DRINKING, no matter what. Then every day you can add to the plan.

Ariesagain

Drive home a different route, leave your credit cards and money in your desk, log on here before you leave work and when you get home. You need that first day because then you remember that you CAN and those days build on each other.

You've gotten rid of all the booze in the house, right?

CountryChick

I have no booze at home and that I am thankful for. Your right I do have to make a plan before I leave work or I'll give in. Right now my body is in pain. I've had a neck ache for weeks and alcohol is the one thing that takes the pain away. By the time I leave work its always terrible. That's been another one of my excuses for buying it....

Nonsensical

What else have you tried? There are some good pain killers out there with less damaging side effects than alienating your family. Talk to your doctor until you get the right therapy for your neck. Booze ain't it.

Apologies if I'm off, but your statement that booze is the only thing that works got my AV senses tingling. Sounds like you're already starting down Excuse Road. I have to drink, it's the only thing that helps my neck. Watch out for that voice in your head telling you how rational drinking is. It'll wreck ya.

You can do this!

ZenLifter

I think your coming clean about your relapse is a great thing. You had 90 days before, so you know it IS possible. Try to let the past go and start over. It's a new day. We're here if you need to vent

dwtbd

Ice pack, heat pad? Ibuprofen, acetaminophen?
what the heck get them all and figure which works best, but only off the list, rootin for ya

CountryChick

Thank you all so much for the support. Nonsensical I've tried every over the counter med known to man I think. I do ice & heating pads, seems like I try everything but no relief. Alcohol is an excuse but it does help my physical pain. My neck pain feels like its caused from being tense & stressed. So in all honestly its probably stemmed from my stress from alcohol in the first place. I do its my AV with another excuse. I'm getting ready to leave work. Hoping I can make it home without stopping for booze. I will try to check in on here some tonight, that always helps me. Thanks Zenlifter I will give it my best shot.

CountryChick

I've tried most everything you suggested, I'm thinking a nice massage might help lol

Pixus

I can relate to this so much. When I have a night to myself, which is very rare, it usually triggers a drinking binge for me too. I have the same feelings, it won't hurt anyone, they'll never know, I won't drink once they're back home etc. But it reopens that channel in my brain that always leads to alcohol and before I know it I'm on a ten day bender. I'm two weeks in to sobriety now from my last one and trying to figure out ways to counteract this trigger time of being alone. It's hard because once I've decided I'm going to drink as soon as they're gone, it's feels impossible to reverse and make a different choice. So I've asked my partner to help by us, together, letting our friends know if he's going away for a night. They know my issues and are really supportive so I know this will help keep me on track next time. If it's left completely up to me, I don't trust that I can do it alone. It's helped him to feel safer about it too as he's involved. I don't know if any of this is helpful, I really wish you all the best.

CountryChick

Thank you so much Pixus for sharing that. I never let our friends or family know when he's going to be gone. I guess because in the back of my mind somewhere I'm already planning to drink, which is terrible! But that's a wonderful idea. Because at this point my boyfriend says he can't go do anything because it will cause a relapse and that's not what I want. He even seems to smother me but I know he's just trying to help. Congrats on 2 weeks!

Pixus

My partner was feeling the same! And that was killing me because not only does he have to deal with me when I'm a mess, but it means he also feels he has no outlet to go and see his friends in the city who are his biggest support and source of sober fun.

I know what you mean about already planning it, it starts as just a fleeting thought that seems easy to brush off and ignore at first, but before I know it, it's taken hold, sometimes I don't even think I'm truly planning it until I'm driving to the bottle shop.

That's why we've got a plan of attack in place now, before it's too late. I hope you feel better soon. Ill be sending you lots of care through here today x