Stuck in a rut
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by njdellis 
My last post was in May when I was 90 days sober and I was so proud of myself (maybe I was too proud, I don’t know). Everything in my life was actually going great for once and I felt I had lost the desire to want to drink. But, 3 days later my “live in” boyfriend went out of town for the night and my son was away at a friend’s. So of course what’s the first thing that I wanted to do?!? Yep, you guessed it!! I came home from work with a 12 pack. I thought to myself I have the whole night alone, what will it hurt, no one will know. I’ll just drink a few and there will be no harm and maybe I can prove to myself that I can drink a few just to relax. Well that didn’t happen I ended up drinking til I passed out. I evidently called my boyfriend and I don’t remember. The next day I felt miserable and my boyfriend came home and we had a huge fight. I stopped taking my depression meds, I stopped seeing my counselor and I stopped looking on this forum. I have been so ashamed and I hate myself for throwing away those 90 days of sobriety. Now for the last 2 months I’ve been stuck in the same rut as before. My boyfriend and my son have a lot of anger towards me and I don’t blame them. But, I just continue getting worse because I’ve been drinking liquor and me and liquor DO NOT mix. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I can’t get off. I am going to kill myself if I don’t stop. And I’m already killing the people I love in the process. I absolutely hate living like this. I’m afraid I will never be free from this. I really, truly, honestly want to be sober. Drinking does not make me happy anymore so I don’t know why I crave it. I crave the happy, carefree, calm feeling it gave me years ago, instead it makes me feel like crap. I have been ashamed to post on here but I had to let it out.
So, you screwed up...it is done, and now you can move on. We are human. Be proud that you are even making an effort to be healthy! There are millions of alcoholics in the world who are in complete denial, or who do nothing to try and get better.. you are not one of them. You can do this. We all can!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 509
So I screwed up once again last night. My son called me out on drinking & I lied. My boyfriend is probably going to move out now he's had all he can take. My life is falling apart all because of alcohol. It seems so stupid. I have to get off this merry go round!!
Has he said hes leaving? What are you planning to do today?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
As bad as things seem right now, they WILL get worse if you don't find your path to sobriety. The addiction is progressive. It won't stop itself until you're dead. YOU have to intervene and make the choice to tell it "NO"!
You Can Do This.
You Can Do This.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 509
I honestly don't know what was said. I went straight from work to my mom's house. They are out of town so I told them I would mow their yard. I don't know what made me do it but I drove back to the liquor store. I bought a small bottle of vodka. So I drank and mowed the yard. My son was also there helping out. He immediately asked me if I was drinking, I tried lying. He said he can tell when I am. He said I know that you have alcohol in that water bottle. But I just lied. After I left there I barely remember walking in the door. (By the way, I didn't drink and drive, my mom's house is 2 houses down from mine) I woke up at 2:00 am in bed, still in my clothes & jewelry, so I guess I just went back there and passed out. My boyfriend was on the couch. I wear a Fitbit so I know that I went to sleep at 8:30. I told him to come to bed but he said he** no! This morning he avoided me, I told him bye I love you. And he said yeah I can tell you show me every night how much you love me, that’s true love right there. So I just walked away and went to work.
This is the misery that I hate. I’m sure I made an ass of myself last night but I can’t remember a thing. And my son and boyfriend will always remember how I act. I don’t even know what I accomplished last night from drinking other than hurting them. I have a few drinks of liquor left and I can’t seem to pour it out this morning. What the heck is wrong with me?!?! I know that things can get so much worse than this!
This is the misery that I hate. I’m sure I made an ass of myself last night but I can’t remember a thing. And my son and boyfriend will always remember how I act. I don’t even know what I accomplished last night from drinking other than hurting them. I have a few drinks of liquor left and I can’t seem to pour it out this morning. What the heck is wrong with me?!?! I know that things can get so much worse than this!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by njdellis
What the heck is wrong with me?!?!
Not trying to be unkind, but you know this. You know you are addicted to alcohol, so start asking better questions.
How am I going to fix this? might be a good place to start.
This is your life. Quit being a passive bystander to it and get to work.
You can do this.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
You are addicted to alcohol.
Not trying to be unkind, but you know this. You know you are addicted to alcohol, so start asking better questions.
How am I going to fix this? might be a good place to start.
This is your life. Quit being a passive bystander to it and get to work.
You can do this.
Not trying to be unkind, but you know this. You know you are addicted to alcohol, so start asking better questions.
How am I going to fix this? might be a good place to start.
This is your life. Quit being a passive bystander to it and get to work.
You can do this.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Sobriety doesn't come to the folks who want it the most, is comes to those who support the decision to get sober with action.
You can do this.
You can do this.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi njdellis, your posts are full of concern of what you're doing to other people. Rightfully so because you have people who love you who are being deeply affected by your drinking.
You have to want this for you first though. You had 90 days so you know that although it's hard in the beginning there are better days ahead.
You CAN do this!
What are you going to do today that's going to combat the AV? You've been here before, this is not new to you.
You have to want this for you first though. You had 90 days so you know that although it's hard in the beginning there are better days ahead.
You CAN do this!
What are you going to do today that's going to combat the AV? You've been here before, this is not new to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
What are you going to do today that's going to combat the AV? You've been here before, this is not new to you.
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Originally Posted by njdellis
when he's not there I want to drink the most.
I want to see the hot intern babe nekkid.
I want to run idiot drivers into the ditch.
Whatever will I do if I can't do the things that I want to do? I guess I'll just have to get by doing that other thing I want to do - be a good person.
Drinking isn't any different than any of those other things I want to do. That voice in my head tells me that it is, but it isn't.
What would a good person do when they'd just angered, upset, and terrified two people they love? Apologize, maybe? They might not be ready for it today. You might have to do it more than once. Make it real and make it happen.
Then get action. Do things; be sane; don’t fritter away your time; create, act, take a place wherever you are and be somebody; get action.
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Originally Posted by njdellis
My boyfriend just text me to say that he's going to go stay at his dads for awhile. That's the worse thing for me because when he's not there I want to drink the most.
If you can't manage to quit on your own, there is help. I tend not to suggest specific recovery methods. But when someone is floundering, like you are, doing it alone isn't cutting it. The fellowship of AA puts you in direct contact with people who have been right where you are...and have found a way out.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by Pixus
My partner was feeling the same! And that was killing me because not only does he have to deal with me when I'm a mess, but it means he also feels he has no outlet to go and see his friends in the city who are his biggest support and source of sober fun.
I know what you mean about already planning it, it starts as just a fleeting thought that seems easy to brush off and ignore at first, but before I know it, it's taken hold, sometimes I don't even think I'm truly planning it until I'm driving to the bottle shop.
That's why we've got a plan of attack in place now, before it's too late. I hope you feel better soon. Ill be sending you lots of care through here today x
I know what you mean about already planning it, it starts as just a fleeting thought that seems easy to brush off and ignore at first, but before I know it, it's taken hold, sometimes I don't even think I'm truly planning it until I'm driving to the bottle shop.
That's why we've got a plan of attack in place now, before it's too late. I hope you feel better soon. Ill be sending you lots of care through here today x
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
What were you thinking about on your way to the liquor store, do you remember?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Pueblo CO
Posts: 9
I remember feeling the same way I was so miserable then I found a sponsor and started working the steps and it got easier I had to work the steps 3 times to really truly find some inner peace. But let me tell you the first time I worked the steps so much changed. I was in and out of the program for 4 years now I have some time . I was suividal I did things for attention I hated my family and friends but once I turned it over to God and accepted help admitted powerlessness and life was unmanageable and started my steps things changed. I can't imagine going back to drinking again. So I suggest you find a sponsor go to a meeting let the women love on you. I told my sponsor some horrible things and she knows my worst qualities and she still loves me. I wish you the best
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
I want to throw a stapler at my boss's head.
I want to see the hot intern babe nekkid.
I want to run idiot drivers into the ditch.
Whatever will I do if I can't do the things that I want to do? I guess I'll just have to get by doing that other thing I want to do - be a good person.
Drinking isn't any different than any of those other things I want to do. That voice in my head tells me that it is, but it isn't.
What would a good person do when they'd just angered, upset, and terrified two people they love? Apologize, maybe? They might not be ready for it today. You might have to do it more than once. Make it real and make it happen.
Then get action. Do things; be sane; don’t fritter away your time; create, act, take a place wherever you are and be somebody; get action.
I want to see the hot intern babe nekkid.
I want to run idiot drivers into the ditch.
Whatever will I do if I can't do the things that I want to do? I guess I'll just have to get by doing that other thing I want to do - be a good person.
Drinking isn't any different than any of those other things I want to do. That voice in my head tells me that it is, but it isn't.
What would a good person do when they'd just angered, upset, and terrified two people they love? Apologize, maybe? They might not be ready for it today. You might have to do it more than once. Make it real and make it happen.
Then get action. Do things; be sane; don’t fritter away your time; create, act, take a place wherever you are and be somebody; get action.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 509
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Don't put this on your boyfriend's absence. You are drinking with him there. This relapse has got you back into the cycle of drinking and fuels the excuses to continue drinking.
If you can't manage to quit on your own, there is help. I tend not to suggest specific recovery methods. But when someone is floundering, like you are, doing it alone isn't cutting it. The fellowship of AA puts you in direct contact with people who have been right where you are...and have found a way out.
If you can't manage to quit on your own, there is help. I tend not to suggest specific recovery methods. But when someone is floundering, like you are, doing it alone isn't cutting it. The fellowship of AA puts you in direct contact with people who have been right where you are...and have found a way out.
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