shall2pass

My people. I have browsed these forums for a long time, and have wanted to reach out for help for so long. I guess I am just now fully at a place of desperation. A little bit about myself--I am an opiate addict. I have been using for about ten years on and off, but these last four years have been unbearable. I'm a slave to opiates and that dull escape filled high. It's horrifying to even admit this but sadly, I moved on to H when the pills were hard to find. I have a loving family, I'm still young and want to find love again, I have an amazing career, I'm successful in every sense of the word. But I'm living a lie. I can't go a daywithout using subs or H or something.

Marcus

Welcome. Your story is not unique. Opiates are at epidemic proportions. It has been over 4 1/2 years since I took a drink or a drug. I started with hydrocodone and worked my way up to 2 grams of raw h iv a day. Held onto a good job and had 3 kids somehow through all of that, but felt hollow and completely hopeless. Regardless of what others might view as success what does it matter if you can't stand yourself (and when I say you I meant me at the time). I will take being content and able to look at myself in the mirror over that kind of success. The great thing is that you can have both contentment and success, but drugs were never going to get me there.

I was great at telling myself I was going to change and this was it. Last day, last bag, no more dope or abusing subs. etc. Problem is I told myself that for years and years. The merry go round went round and round. OD'd and spent 6 days in the hospital and even that only kept me clean for a few months.

Step 1 for me was to get off the drugs. Work with a doctor, inpatient detox, or a cold turkey kick in a hotel room. Obviously if the opportunity to get professional help is there take it. It is a long road, but taking it a day at a time (or an hour at a time) makes it manageable. It took total commitment on my part with a lot of support. Try some meetings (NA/AA), there are addictions counselors / therapists, outpatient rehabs, inpatient rehabs. I used to have plenty of excuses why I couldn't do any of those things. It was not until I was so desperate (as you say you are) that I was finally ready to follow through on all of the promises I kept making to myself. Take care - stick around!

shall2pass

Thank you so much for reaching out and responding. You are my hero. I dream of the days when I can be clean and have days and help out addicts crying out like you are doing for me and so many others. My biggest fear is that this time won't be any different. I think being honest with myself is key. I have to admit to myself the severity of my situation and the fact that me living this double life is going to come to an end. It's like I like the feeling of the chase and running from the law somehow and having this bad side of myself. But if I were to ever get caught I'd sob like a baby and then lose my whole career and autonomy and never be the same again. A bag isn't worth it. This will never fill my voids. I've been going to NA and when I do I feel so much better. So I have to keep it going. I never used the needle like you said you had, just sniff. I'm so afraid of withdrawals but mentally I am most afraid. I know that I can detox. Tomorrow is day one. I need to just believe in my damn self. And know that this is no joke and that this is the last chance I have to save myself before some bad things happen to me. I have a spiritual side and I believe in a higher power so I hope that carries me through the darkness. I just want it to work this time. It has to. Professional detox or inpatient is not an option. I have lots of resources plus being on here helps so much. I can finally be real with people. Honesty is what matters.

rich7v

Sounds like you are on the right track. You are off to a good start.

Yes, be honest with yourself. Most addicts need a slap in the face from the concrete at "rock bottom" to finally get real about turning their life around.

I have wanted to stop for 6 to 9 months. I knew I was out of control and only getting worse. I was even taking a friend to an outpatient methadone clinic, but never had the courage to go in myself. God finally took pity on my weak ass and knocked me into a coma for three weeks, I still can't imagine the pain I put my family through. My kids will have the memory of seeing their father in the ICU hooked up to a machine to breath for me for the rest of their lives. Can't imagine the therapy they will need down the road.

Keep going to those NA meetings. They have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have lost a lot because of my addiction. I heard some heart wrenching stories in tonight's meeting. Made me SO thankful for every little thing I still have. Don't wait until you loose everything. If you keep using, you are lying to yourself. Thinking you have it under control and that you wont let it stop you from being a "functional" user. That is the biggest lie their is.

Sorry, really don't mean to preach. But sounds like you could use a push in the right direction.

God Bless!

I wish you the strength to do what you know you need to. I will pray you stay on the right path. Keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

finaltime

You don't have to do this alone. My suggestion? Get honest with everyone around you. Ask for help. Surrender. If you can go to rehab, go. So you can have some time to get through detox and get on your feet. If your like me, I couldn't do rehab, and live in a foreign country. And I have a family as well, so I did it on my own. I was coming off 100 pills a day, opiates...I made it. This is what I did. I worked and did meetings. I was honest. I made my whole life about recovery.

I am still working at it. You can do this. you don't have to life this way anymore.

Trust me. you family knows something is up. They will be relieved to know that you are getting help. We think we have everyone fooled, we don't.

Hang tight.

IvanMike

There is hope.

I hit NA meetings every day and gravitated towards the guys who had been there a long time and who were so "together" that they scared me.

I haven't been dopesick in a long time. I can look in the mirror today. Things that I wouldn't have thought possible.

They are possible for you as well.

"An addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use, and find a new way of life."

shall2pass

Thanks everyone. I definitely feel the slow sluggish feeling on day one. It's hard to not want to escape when it's all just a text message away. I'm so tired of this world hurting me. My biggest problem is negative self talk. I really don't know how to fix it and tell it to shut up. Everything I want I I want it right now and I'm jealous of everyone who has it. My problem is j don't want to put in the work. Please tell me this is normal addict mentality? About the NA meetings, I need to get back into the groove of going. I feel home there. So many kicked soulless dogs there who have found their inner strength again. I know I can learn something from women's meetings too. Need to go for sure. Thanks for all your words. Hope to be feeling happier again soon. Happiness is all I want in the end I guess.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you hello

finaltime

Hello. Shall2 pass I am also a woman, a mother, and an opiate addict. If you have time go through and read some of my threads, or all. I have struggled so much with this disease and still do, and will always struggle but it doesn't have to be as bad as being dope sick.

As an addict we want it all today and now. This is true. Can you get the app called audio joy and pay the money to have the NA book in speaker form and the stories. I use this app almost daily. This morning I listened to steps 1-4 again. It is such a relief for me to not have to use just for today. Meetings, sponsor, step work, just for today.

Make it into very small spaces, minutes, what can you do that is good for your body just for now. this minute.

I am free to talk in instant message, Skype, whatever you need. I am in china until end of this month but get back to USA then. Talking with others helps so much. It seriously has saved me.

Have you got through withdrawals first? Told everyone? getting honest is first step. trust me on this.

Hang in there, you are heading in the right direction.

FT

IvanMike

That's normal addict mentality, but not putting in the work won't go so well and tends to get us dead. Fortunately, you don't have to go that way.

I wanted instant recovery, but that's just not how it works, I still wish it would go faster, but having persevered one day at a time I started to notice that the happiness and recovery I was wishing for was already happening.

shall2pass

Finaltime, I know your story well! Trust me. I have read your posts and many of the opie addicts time and time again. I'm amazed at the resilience of this group. And I want to be apart of this journey. I would love to chat directly and will reach out. There must be some sort of messenger thing on here I haven't discovered yet. I downloaded the books and found the xaspeaker site recommended to another on another forum. Adams story resonates so clearly with me. And Gina's. I got honest with my mom today; it was brutal. They support me doing a detox at a facility but I want to face this head on at home. Monday is my last day of subs and work for three weeks. I HATE subs and have done the program officially and now am tapering again off my last but. For me it is impossible to function at my job and not have anything in my system. So the real wds start Monday. I'm taking a crumb now. I hope you all don't give up on me cuz of the subs. I know people have such strong opinions about them. I won't get caught back in the endless cycle this time. I'm meeting with my old sponsor tomorrow. Can't wait. She has TWO magical years clean and she was an IV user and lived a life of chaos and yet even she found a way to kick and stay clean. She is so happy too and she works a damn good program. Prayers to you all. Happy to not be doped out tonight.

finaltime

we would never give up on you. I am so glad you know my story!!! That makes me feel good.

Don't worry about the sub route, your journey is your journey. I would do anything to get into a detox facility if I could. Doing it at home with family around is not easy at all. but you do what you feel is best. Hang tight and keep in touch with us. I am happy to talk at anytime, and I am in china so my days are your nights. Since you will be awake you can message me. Skype or anything you want.

Proud of you for wanting this change. And for being in touch with your sponsor.

Awesome.

finaltime

how we doing? Thinking about you.