Tell me about your child custody battle with your addict
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Tell me about your child custody battle with your addict
I am dying to hear your stories.
Were you disappointed in how the court handled it? Relieved?
Do you feel the outcome was in the best interest of your children?
I am about to embark on a custody battle and am seeking sole legal and sole physical custody of my 5 year old twin boys. My STBXAH is a veteran, 100% disabled with PTSD, and has been abusing drugs, both prescription and non. We have lived in such chaos with him, but there is very little proof of any of it. I have been keeping a journal, but I'm afraid that it will all be seen as hearsay. I do have some proof- holes in the walls, a past incident that was documented (but that was 4 years ago).
My children love their dad so much, even though they are beginning to learn that there is something "not right" with him. I won't deny him visitation, but I have so many concerns regarding his being around them too much- I don't really feel they're safe, and he doesn't take very good care of them (feeds them nothing but junk food, doesn't make them brush their teeth, doesn't attend to their educational needs).
I'd like to hear your stories.
Were you disappointed in how the court handled it? Relieved?
Do you feel the outcome was in the best interest of your children?
I am about to embark on a custody battle and am seeking sole legal and sole physical custody of my 5 year old twin boys. My STBXAH is a veteran, 100% disabled with PTSD, and has been abusing drugs, both prescription and non. We have lived in such chaos with him, but there is very little proof of any of it. I have been keeping a journal, but I'm afraid that it will all be seen as hearsay. I do have some proof- holes in the walls, a past incident that was documented (but that was 4 years ago).
My children love their dad so much, even though they are beginning to learn that there is something "not right" with him. I won't deny him visitation, but I have so many concerns regarding his being around them too much- I don't really feel they're safe, and he doesn't take very good care of them (feeds them nothing but junk food, doesn't make them brush their teeth, doesn't attend to their educational needs).
I'd like to hear your stories.
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Anyone?
I keep reading that custody battles aren't even worth the fight- that joint custody is the norm, even when mental illness/addiction are involved.
I'm just wondering if this is all a huge mistake. My STBXAH didn't even want to be around the kids much until he learned what I'd filed. Now his competitive side has been activated.
He's left me emails begging for 50/50 and saying he'd still let the kids see me more than he would... I think I'll be using those in court to show that it's really all about status for him. He did tell me once that if I ruined his "reputation" he'd kill me...
Please share anything.
I keep reading that custody battles aren't even worth the fight- that joint custody is the norm, even when mental illness/addiction are involved.
I'm just wondering if this is all a huge mistake. My STBXAH didn't even want to be around the kids much until he learned what I'd filed. Now his competitive side has been activated.
He's left me emails begging for 50/50 and saying he'd still let the kids see me more than he would... I think I'll be using those in court to show that it's really all about status for him. He did tell me once that if I ruined his "reputation" he'd kill me...
Please share anything.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
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I have sole conservatorship with my boys. My ex can see them the first weekend of each month but he rarely does. Talk to your atty about your options. Maybe you can request random drug tests for your ex. By the way, I modified the standard visitation order...my ex didn't realize it for a long time..
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Originally Posted by Fate2012 
I have sole conservatorship with my boys. My ex can see them the first weekend of each month but he rarely does. Talk to your atty about your options. Maybe you can request random drug tests for your ex. By the way, I modified the standard visitation order...my ex didn't realize it for a long time..
Did he fight for full or joint custody? Did he fail to show up to your court dates? What state are you in?
And you say he can see them the first weekend of each month- that means overnights, right?
Thank you for responding!
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Location: Iowa
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Sorry it took me awhile to get to this thread. I read it as I was heading out to work last night. I just finished a protracted custody fight with my ex. We had a similar situation- never married, both veterans though he's 70% disabled and he's an alcoholic. I'll post links to some of the threads that were pertinent to my case.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...discovery.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-still-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hes-cured.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-i-enough.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...urt-order.html
This isn't one of my threads, but it contains an example of the timeline of incidents I wrote out based on going through my old journal entries. That was extremely helpful to my case and the judge took it very seriously.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ger-abuse.html
And the final result to that two plus years worth of drama is that he actually abided by the court order and completed an alcohol treatment program through the VA. So he's going to have his first visit in nearly three years coming up this June through August. He sounds better than he has in a long time and they are both looking forward to the visit. It was a long, hard road, but I was fortunate to have a positive outcome. My persistence (even when I was exhausted from it all and really just wanted to lay down and drown in the avalanche of crap) paid off and I think that my situation had the best possible outcome. Though it was not one I would have predicted three years ago. PM me if you want and keep posting. You don't have to do this alone. We have your back!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...discovery.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-still-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hes-cured.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-i-enough.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...urt-order.html
This isn't one of my threads, but it contains an example of the timeline of incidents I wrote out based on going through my old journal entries. That was extremely helpful to my case and the judge took it very seriously.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ger-abuse.html
And the final result to that two plus years worth of drama is that he actually abided by the court order and completed an alcohol treatment program through the VA. So he's going to have his first visit in nearly three years coming up this June through August. He sounds better than he has in a long time and they are both looking forward to the visit. It was a long, hard road, but I was fortunate to have a positive outcome. My persistence (even when I was exhausted from it all and really just wanted to lay down and drown in the avalanche of crap) paid off and I think that my situation had the best possible outcome. Though it was not one I would have predicted three years ago. PM me if you want and keep posting. You don't have to do this alone. We have your back!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ok what I wills say is this. Now is your time to wheel and deal. You can likely get more done yourself than you think. If you do have visitation, push for sobriety monitoring, and have in the decree what happens if he refuses or the consequences if he fails. Push for a psychiatric eval with a PSYCHIATRIST, not a psychologist if he won't agree to your terms. Push that if children feel unsafe they have the right to request to be removed from the home by you at any time for any reason. Push that there must be communication available 100% of the time they are with him. Try for no overnights at all. Put in what school you want them to go in. Gosh, the list goes on and on. Make sure for each action that he does not compelte, that it lists what the consequence will be. I got in my decree that my X cannot be under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and if I or my children suspect him, we have the right to have him immediately tested. That being said, it leaves my children to be his sober monitor, in that they have to realize it's happening, call me, etc. Had I pushed for something like Sober Link, that would not be happening.
My point is, if you have something he is worried about now (his reputation, etc) USE that in your favor. Find his weak spots. Agree not to drag things out in court if he agrees to your stipulations. That is what I did, and I got things into my divorce decree that my attorney said a judge would never had agreed to had I not gotten him to agree on my own. Move fast, the more people they talk to, the more information they gain and more advise they get to protect themselves.
DOCUMENT every single thing. Keep times, dates, photos, etc. There is a program you can download for free to a computer called CopyTrans Control. It will pull text messages off your phone, date stamped, time stamped. I am told that this program is admissible into court most times. If not, screen shot all of them. Don't have his name as the contact in your phone, have his number. That way you can document the actual number the text is coming from, not just a name.
There is a Facebook site called One Mom's Battle. It's overwhelming, so if you are not in the right frame of mind, don't look it up. However, there is lots of information there.
Many things are regulated by the state you live in. You will find most of the time, because the attorneys are so familiar with the judges, they will be of your best advise. My attorney changed judges from my original judge b/c he knew that judge would not sign off on the things we had agreed to. It pays to have someone who knows this information. Don't get a newbie.
Hugs. Do all you can do to protect your babies.
My point is, if you have something he is worried about now (his reputation, etc) USE that in your favor. Find his weak spots. Agree not to drag things out in court if he agrees to your stipulations. That is what I did, and I got things into my divorce decree that my attorney said a judge would never had agreed to had I not gotten him to agree on my own. Move fast, the more people they talk to, the more information they gain and more advise they get to protect themselves.
DOCUMENT every single thing. Keep times, dates, photos, etc. There is a program you can download for free to a computer called CopyTrans Control. It will pull text messages off your phone, date stamped, time stamped. I am told that this program is admissible into court most times. If not, screen shot all of them. Don't have his name as the contact in your phone, have his number. That way you can document the actual number the text is coming from, not just a name.
There is a Facebook site called One Mom's Battle. It's overwhelming, so if you are not in the right frame of mind, don't look it up. However, there is lots of information there.
Many things are regulated by the state you live in. You will find most of the time, because the attorneys are so familiar with the judges, they will be of your best advise. My attorney changed judges from my original judge b/c he knew that judge would not sign off on the things we had agreed to. It pays to have someone who knows this information. Don't get a newbie.
Hugs. Do all you can do to protect your babies.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Sorry it took me awhile to get to this thread. I read it as I was heading out to work last night. I just finished a protracted custody fight with my ex. We had a similar situation- never married, both veterans though he's 70% disabled and he's an alcoholic. I'll post links to some of the threads that were pertinent to my case.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...discovery.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-still-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hes-cured.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-i-enough.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...urt-order.html
This isn't one of my threads, but it contains an example of the timeline of incidents I wrote out based on going through my old journal entries. That was extremely helpful to my case and the judge took it very seriously.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ger-abuse.html
And the final result to that two plus years worth of drama is that he actually abided by the court order and completed an alcohol treatment program through the VA. So he's going to have his first visit in nearly three years coming up this June through August. He sounds better than he has in a long time and they are both looking forward to the visit. It was a long, hard road, but I was fortunate to have a positive outcome. My persistence (even when I was exhausted from it all and really just wanted to lay down and drown in the avalanche of crap) paid off and I think that my situation had the best possible outcome. Though it was not one I would have predicted three years ago. PM me if you want and keep posting. You don't have to do this alone. We have your back!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...discovery.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-still-do.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hes-cured.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-i-enough.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...urt-order.html
This isn't one of my threads, but it contains an example of the timeline of incidents I wrote out based on going through my old journal entries. That was extremely helpful to my case and the judge took it very seriously.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ger-abuse.html
And the final result to that two plus years worth of drama is that he actually abided by the court order and completed an alcohol treatment program through the VA. So he's going to have his first visit in nearly three years coming up this June through August. He sounds better than he has in a long time and they are both looking forward to the visit. It was a long, hard road, but I was fortunate to have a positive outcome. My persistence (even when I was exhausted from it all and really just wanted to lay down and drown in the avalanche of crap) paid off and I think that my situation had the best possible outcome. Though it was not one I would have predicted three years ago. PM me if you want and keep posting. You don't have to do this alone. We have your back!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Ok what I wills say is this. Now is your time to wheel and deal. You can likely get more done yourself than you think. If you do have visitation, push for sobriety monitoring, and have in the decree what happens if he refuses or the consequences if he fails. Push for a psychiatric eval with a PSYCHIATRIST, not a psychologist if he won't agree to your terms. Push that if children feel unsafe they have the right to request to be removed from the home by you at any time for any reason. Push that there must be communication available 100% of the time they are with him. Try for no overnights at all. Put in what school you want them to go in. Gosh, the list goes on and on. Make sure for each action that he does not compelte, that it lists what the consequence will be. I got in my decree that my X cannot be under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and if I or my children suspect him, we have the right to have him immediately tested. That being said, it leaves my children to be his sober monitor, in that they have to realize it's happening, call me, etc. Had I pushed for something like Sober Link, that would not be happening.
My point is, if you have something he is worried about now (his reputation, etc) USE that in your favor. Find his weak spots. Agree not to drag things out in court if he agrees to your stipulations. That is what I did, and I got things into my divorce decree that my attorney said a judge would never had agreed to had I not gotten him to agree on my own. Move fast, the more people they talk to, the more information they gain and more advise they get to protect themselves.
DOCUMENT every single thing. Keep times, dates, photos, etc. There is a program you can download for free to a computer called CopyTrans Control. It will pull text messages off your phone, date stamped, time stamped. I am told that this program is admissible into court most times. If not, screen shot all of them. Don't have his name as the contact in your phone, have his number. That way you can document the actual number the text is coming from, not just a name.
There is a Facebook site called One Mom's Battle. It's overwhelming, so if you are not in the right frame of mind, don't look it up. However, there is lots of information there.
Many things are regulated by the state you live in. You will find most of the time, because the attorneys are so familiar with the judges, they will be of your best advise. My attorney changed judges from my original judge b/c he knew that judge would not sign off on the things we had agreed to. It pays to have someone who knows this information. Don't get a newbie.
Hugs. Do all you can do to protect your babies.
My point is, if you have something he is worried about now (his reputation, etc) USE that in your favor. Find his weak spots. Agree not to drag things out in court if he agrees to your stipulations. That is what I did, and I got things into my divorce decree that my attorney said a judge would never had agreed to had I not gotten him to agree on my own. Move fast, the more people they talk to, the more information they gain and more advise they get to protect themselves.
DOCUMENT every single thing. Keep times, dates, photos, etc. There is a program you can download for free to a computer called CopyTrans Control. It will pull text messages off your phone, date stamped, time stamped. I am told that this program is admissible into court most times. If not, screen shot all of them. Don't have his name as the contact in your phone, have his number. That way you can document the actual number the text is coming from, not just a name.
There is a Facebook site called One Mom's Battle. It's overwhelming, so if you are not in the right frame of mind, don't look it up. However, there is lots of information there.
Many things are regulated by the state you live in. You will find most of the time, because the attorneys are so familiar with the judges, they will be of your best advise. My attorney changed judges from my original judge b/c he knew that judge would not sign off on the things we had agreed to. It pays to have someone who knows this information. Don't get a newbie.
Hugs. Do all you can do to protect your babies.
Anyway, he seems happy with this arrangement and would probably agree to it- until he learns that this isn't exactly 50/50- more like 80/20 (I think?).
I just don't want to keep pushing for more and then end up with less. I'm thinking if we can agree to this I may be better off than if I were to fight for sole.
And yes, I have definitely learned to document! Never miss a day. And "One Mom's Battle" is so wonderful- I wish she'd post more often, as I keep reading the same ones over and over again.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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You can still have joint legal w/out having joint physical. I wish I would have gotten sole physical and allowed our visitation schedule. Just part of my hindsight as if he would have seen sole physical AND sole legal he would never have agreed. I think I could have gotten him to agree on sole physical and joint legal though.
My X was fine about a lot of things until his new now wife read our decree and made a big deal about a lot of it. She has went through a custody battle w/her own kids, so she cannot wait to call an attorney every time you turn around. Ugh.
I typed out all I wanted, went back and forth just like you would in mediation but did it between us, when we agreed we both signed this document and had it notorized (which meant nothing b/c it was just a doc I had drawn up myself, but I was trying to be official so no one could go changing things), took it to my attorney and had it drawn up, and then we both signed it and filed. Even though I have my issues, I still feel like I came out ahead by doing it this way.
It depends on the person though.
My X was fine about a lot of things until his new now wife read our decree and made a big deal about a lot of it. She has went through a custody battle w/her own kids, so she cannot wait to call an attorney every time you turn around. Ugh.
I typed out all I wanted, went back and forth just like you would in mediation but did it between us, when we agreed we both signed this document and had it notorized (which meant nothing b/c it was just a doc I had drawn up myself, but I was trying to be official so no one could go changing things), took it to my attorney and had it drawn up, and then we both signed it and filed. Even though I have my issues, I still feel like I came out ahead by doing it this way.
It depends on the person though.
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Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
I have heard this so many times- that I am more likely to get what I want if we come to an agreement with him outside the courtroom. Right now I'm not limiting his visitation at all, and he's seeing them twice a week- sometimes two overnights, sometimes just one. When the kids were both sick, he missed a whole week of seeing them because "he didn't want to catch it". Now, what does that say?
Anyway, he seems happy with this arrangement and would probably agree to it- until he learns that this isn't exactly 50/50- more like 80/20 (I think?).
I just don't want to keep pushing for more and then end up with less. I'm thinking if we can agree to this I may be better off than if I were to fight for sole.
And yes, I have definitely learned to document! Never miss a day. And "One Mom's Battle" is so wonderful- I wish she'd post more often, as I keep reading the same ones over and over again.
Anyway, he seems happy with this arrangement and would probably agree to it- until he learns that this isn't exactly 50/50- more like 80/20 (I think?).
I just don't want to keep pushing for more and then end up with less. I'm thinking if we can agree to this I may be better off than if I were to fight for sole.
And yes, I have definitely learned to document! Never miss a day. And "One Mom's Battle" is so wonderful- I wish she'd post more often, as I keep reading the same ones over and over again.
I would definitely NOT consider what your ex is proposing- 50/50 on paper but you actually have the kids most of the time. First off, a gentleman's agreement with an addict is never going to work in the long term, however functional he is now. You will always have it hanging over your head that he COULD take them half the time. Second, it really just dumps all the heavy parental lifting and responsibility and expense on you while he gets to swoop in and out as he pleases and play Disney dad with zero accountability about missed visitation and possibly reduced or no child support. That's crap and you and your kids deserve better.
It helped me a lot to focus on what I wanted and could live with for my son's safety and wellbeing rather than worrying about what he said or what might happen in court.
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And FYI... A divorce decree will spell out days, it's not going to list the percentage numbers if that is what you are worried about. However, make sure you put arrangements in there about holidays, vacations, etc. And specify time of days, when it begins and ends. Most attorneys will do this anyways, but just in case.
One thing that helped me was having my attorney give me a default form of what it would look like, and let me edit around on it before he drew up the final. That helped me knowing how it would read.
One thing that helped me was having my attorney give me a default form of what it would look like, and let me edit around on it before he drew up the final. That helped me knowing how it would read.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
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My ex was very active with his drug addiction while we were going through our divorce so I used that as my advantage. He was served but didn't read the docs and never showed up for court. So he tried to do a modification and the time lapsed b/c it wasn't a priority for him.
So while writing the standard order I gave him one weekend a month and it included a mile radius of around 40 -50 miles. He has no holidays and every other spring break.
At this time he has only seen his kids about 6 times over the last year. I'm not sure if he is still using however one thing that he never addresses when he does try to get clean is his mental issues so he will never truly be a healthy, happy man.
It sounds like the ladies that posted after me have alot of knowledge on the subject matter. Let me know if I can help. Oh and my case is in Texas.
So while writing the standard order I gave him one weekend a month and it included a mile radius of around 40 -50 miles. He has no holidays and every other spring break.
At this time he has only seen his kids about 6 times over the last year. I'm not sure if he is still using however one thing that he never addresses when he does try to get clean is his mental issues so he will never truly be a healthy, happy man.
It sounds like the ladies that posted after me have alot of knowledge on the subject matter. Let me know if I can help. Oh and my case is in Texas.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I would definitely NOT consider what your ex is proposing- 50/50 on paper but you actually have the kids most of the time. First off, a gentleman's agreement with an addict is never going to work in the long term, however functional he is now. You will always have it hanging over your head that he COULD take them half the time. Second, it really just dumps all the heavy parental lifting and responsibility and expense on you while he gets to swoop in and out as he pleases and play Disney dad with zero accountability about missed visitation and possibly reduced or no child support. That's crap and you and your kids deserve better.
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Originally Posted by Fate2012
My ex was very active with his drug addiction while we were going through our divorce so I used that as my advantage. He was served but didn't read the docs and never showed up for court. So he tried to do a modification and the time lapsed b/c it wasn't a priority for him.
So while writing the standard order I gave him one weekend a month and it included a mile radius of around 40 -50 miles. He has no holidays and every other spring break.
At this time he has only seen his kids about 6 times over the last year. I'm not sure if he is still using however one thing that he never addresses when he does try to get clean is his mental issues so he will never truly be a healthy, happy man.
It sounds like the ladies that posted after me have alot of knowledge on the subject matter. Let me know if I can help. Oh and my case is in Texas.
So while writing the standard order I gave him one weekend a month and it included a mile radius of around 40 -50 miles. He has no holidays and every other spring break.
At this time he has only seen his kids about 6 times over the last year. I'm not sure if he is still using however one thing that he never addresses when he does try to get clean is his mental issues so he will never truly be a healthy, happy man.
It sounds like the ladies that posted after me have alot of knowledge on the subject matter. Let me know if I can help. Oh and my case is in Texas.
I don't think my AH's addiction has progressed as far as yours and many of these other posters. He is still able to keep it under wraps for the most part. I doubt he will ever get better, because he loves to fool people so much. It's what he does- he lies pathologically, forges documents, scams the government for benefits he hasn't earned... you name it. It's like he has to keep himself busy manipulating people so he won't have to face whatever emptiness lies inside of him.
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