manicpanic15

I'm struggling...SO BAD.

I just started Al-Anon, went to the library after my meeting and got the Co Depedency No More "Workbook". They didn't have the actual book, but I thought this would be a good start.

I've read here tons. and tons. For months. I've got the gist on what to do but still have ALOT of internal work to do.

I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is abuse or not, all I know is that I'm so freaking angry and feel trapped that it is now affecting me physically.

Recap my sitch: Hubs is an alcoholic and pot smoker when off/on jobs he can smoke and not get caught by randoms. Had an emotional affair with an ex he lied about a few years ago (possibly physical but I have no proof). 1st said oh it was her coming on to me and I turned her down, but then in a drunken rant admits it was HIM wanting sex with her but she turned him down. Then says that she is the one that gets him physically aroused (But said it nastier, if ya know what I mean). Has made comments on how "We never had the fireworks" and has insinuated that him and her DID have and that makes me feel like crap.

Last six months I've seen him go crazy with drinking and escalated fights/being mean while drunk. Intentionally picking fights/saying awful things he knows will hurt (SHE gets me aroused, I want to cheat on you). While being extremely drunk then getting high, decides he is going on a bike ride. Kids hear this go nuts THEY want to go. He says SURE lets go on a bike ride. I'm scared. OMG. He is wayyyy too wasted to take them (They are little) on a bike ride. I freak and take kids to my parents preventing it from happening. This was the night he was so mean/nasty, saying he is not a family guy, that this life makes him angry and miserable. Next day flowers, long letter of what a jerk he is, he is so sorry, why does he keep doing this, I'm the most soulful person he has ever met.

Later I find out he was calling women he found on craigslist that night and even a massage parlor.

WE come up with separation agreement and I make him get tested for STD's which came up clean. He begs/pleads to make it better, swears it was because he was drunk and I took kids and he thought we were over.

WE try to repair relationship. He is sweet and attentive. THen one day he says he is going on the nightshift and never asked what I thought. Just made the decision without asking. And said "I didn't really care WHAT you thought". I'm hurt, he is EXCITED. Now I'm worried - he is gonna be home all day by himself - is he gonna cheat again? I start stalking SR and realize there is nothing I can do - I need to DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. I detach but try to stay loving/sweet. Making big deal out of his bday even though I'm flat out exhausted since now ALL kid duties, house duties are suddenly on me while he works. Find out that during this he was STILL looking for women online and sending them pics of his male parts and messaging them.

Yet he still wants to work on it. He loves me, more than anything. Realized how bad he screwed up. I can barely breathe or make sense of anything at this point. how do I get beyond this anger? Is this abuse?

AnvilheadII

i don't know i'd call it abuse....but you are definitely dealing with someone who is not in their right mind and acts outrageous and unstable and tried to put the children in harm's way.....

the bit about always in contact with some other woman, or TRYING to be at least, that's an issue aside from the drinking, altho i'm sure the drinking let's his inner freak roll.

look to his ACTIONS babe, not his words.

Hawkeye13

yes, it is

What he is showing you isn't love by any standards.
It's manipulation and childish, nasty actions.
You deserve better, and it sounds like deep inside you know this.

Believe what he does, not what he says, and make plans
for you and your kids accordingly.

LexieCat

Didn't you already lay down an ultimatum? What about following through with it?

He's already broken your "contract" (not to mention his marriage vows).

Have you talked with a lawyer? That would be my next move.

manicpanic15

Lexie-Yes, I have talked to a lawyer back in April. I'm just scared to death about the safety of the kids. He does not think straight when he is wasted. He can be very very nasty when drunk. I'm scared for them if he gets overnight visitation.

ladyscribbler

There's a lot you can do to ensure their safety. I had a similar ordeal with my ex. Between the drinking and illegal drug use you have a pretty strong case for supervised visits or some other restrictions to ensure the safety of your kids.
And there's a strong possibility that he'll make a lot of noise about visitation time etc., but not actually exercise or follow through with the time he does get awarded. From the sound of it single fatherhood would severely cramp his swinging lifestyle. Probably more so than being married, since you won't be there to take care of everything anymore.
And to answer your OP, yes, it is abuse.
As for the anger, anger is an emotion that contains a tremendous amount of energy. You can choose a constructive place to use that energy instead of wasting it fretting about his crazymaking. Really sorry you're dealing with this.

manicpanic15

Thank you. I feel like all of this is finally coming down on me all at once, HEAVILY. I don't know where this is coming from. I've buried so much deep down and breathed away, tried to put it somewhere but its like its all coming out right now in total rage and anger.

All of the promises he made that I believed, I feel like a freakin' fool. An idiot. How unbelievably naïve. And my poor poor kids. My god how could I have chosen this person to be their male role model? WTH is wrong with me?????

dandylion

manicpanic......love does not hurt. Real love enriches your life and allows you to thrive.....
It does not leave you in doubt and fear.....and tears because you have been devalued and disrespected. And.....humiliated.....

At this time...I suggest that you go to the "stickies" at the top of the main page---just above these threads.....Click on the one titled: "Classic Readings".....and select the one-----"10 ways to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"......
This should tell you where he is..........

To answer your question...yes, in my book, this is abusive behavior....
I think it is I mpossible to not feel anger while one is being treated like S***.
I am so glad to hear that y ou took the children to a safe place.....

My suggestion.....talk to a domestic violence worker (on the phone)...they will understand....and, ask for referral to an attorney that works with these kinds of cases. There are many kinds of arrangements that can be made to protect the children in the situations of visitation. Find out what they are....
Getting information will, in itself, help you to feel m uch better....
In addition....ask the others, here on this forum, how they handled the visitation issues.
There are many stories of others, here, who have successfully dealt with these same issues.....

I believe that the most important thing you can do is to get the help and support that you need. Get all the information that you can.....knowledge is power.

dandylion

Hawkeye13

Don't beat yourself down--he's the one who did wrong.

I agree w/ others, taking action to get some stability back into you and kids life
would help w/ the emotions you are dealing with now.

There are many folks here who have been in the same place you are and gotten
out while protecting their kids.

You can too manic. . . maybe some face support right now would help?

LexieCat

I agree with ladyscribbler. And having him OUT of the house will protect your children in any event. They won't be exposed to the alcoholic craziness on a day-to-day basis.

Start documenting everything you observe about his drinking and behavior as a parent. I'm sure the drunken bike-a-thon wasn't the first irresponsible thing he's done. Don't tell him you're doing it, just quietly start a notebook or journal. Your lawyer can give you guidance.

Ladyscribbler's not exaggerating the power of careful documentation and determination.

manicpanic15

I went to an al-anon meeting last night. ANd I was taken aback by this lady still in a marriage with an abusive alcoholic. And it ticked me off. But it made me realize I'm doing the exact same thing. I'm paralyzed with fear. And that is no excuse not to move forward. I know I need to. I KNOW I NEED TO. But I'm feel like I'm quicksand with doubts, fear, what if's. But my rage is somehow propelling me forward because I cannot just sit and take it any longer. Thank you all for your words. Not just on my thread but everywhere. A few other threads today seriously kept me alive. I would sneak my phone into the bathroom at work and read these amazing words of wisdom - even though they weren't to me, it felt like they were written FOR ME. I reread some of them several times.

manicpanic15

I started awhile ago a journal of his drinking, marking an "asterisk" * symbol for every day he drinks. It is literally every day except Sunday and that is only because he wakes up at 4 pm and then leaves at 5 pm for work. He can't drink prior to work. He fills up a pop can full of vodka and acts like he is drinking pop but I know its not. I used to believe he was mixing it but he left one out once and it was PURE VODKA. Not even a tiny bit of pop. It came out clear. He will buy beer on weekends and mix with shots of vodka and act like he only had a 6 pack of beer but I know its way more than that. Tonite he just got his first thing of weed since he found out he will be laid off. So now he will be drunk and high. Oh the joy.

LexieCat

Inertia--the tendency to stay where we are--is a powerful force. But so is momentum--once you start moving, it becomes much easier. It's those first few steps to pull your feet out of the quicksand that is hardest. Once you've gotten a bit "unstuck," you'll be surprised how things happen. Over the past year we've had a few people desperately searching for a place to live, or a solution to some other pressing problem, and by sticking with it and having faith and going forward in spite of their fears, homes or solutions appeared.

Amazing how those things work.

LexieCat

OK, start recording those kinds of details. An asterisk won't help you when you are trying to recount the details to a judge. Because he will say, sure, I drink almost every day, a couple of beers, the occasional mixed drink, just like most people.

DETAILS are IMPORTANT. That doesn't mean you start playing detective--just note what you observe. There will be plenty of information you don't have to go hunting for, I'm betting.

manicpanic15

Lexie- Unfortunately I don't have a clue how much he actually drinks. he hides the bottles extremely well. I've tried looking but cannot find them. I can't even find where he is tossing the cans. He is incredibly thorough and thanks to SR I've stopped even really looking since its not my side of the street. What exactly do I document? I can tell that he is drunk by the time we leave for work/school by the look in his eye, and the way he starts slurring his speech and his walk is funny.

LexieCat

Then you document that. The very fact that he's attempting so carefully to conceal his drinking despite his obvious intoxication is an indication that he isn't a normal drinker.

healthyagain

And why would you not want to be angry? You have a good reason to be. Now, it is not good to do something stupid because you are angry, but it is good to listen to your feelings, to be in touch with yourself. You are not obliged to put up with his behavior. You detach not to tolerate his behavior, but to give yourself some space and a break.

So, he hurt you, you do not trust him, he makes you angry, he gives one empty promise after another, so why are you putting up with his behavior? What are the steps you could take and want to take? Remember, you cannot change him. He is what he is. Abusive, most probably, disrespectful, definitely.

Just remember that the power to make decisions for yourself is in your hands.

Liveitwell

OP-I've been there...like Lady....so have been there. I felt stuck for so long and did everything I could-my ex put our kids in awful scary unsafe situations multiple times and I did get out and ensured their safety. And true to form he talks a lot (quacking) and lies all the time-but his actions prove his character. They are despicable and abusive. Please get some help for you and the kids-and do not once feel guilty for telling the truth-he will most likely minimize, lie etc to make you look like the crazy one. Do what you need to do for your kids. Please. PM me if you'd like to discuss more.

ladyscribbler

What helped me was to be very specific and detailed. I combed through five years worth of journal entries and made a timeline of incidents- anytime he'd abused us when drunk, gotten arrested, received emergency medical attention for injuries incurred while drinking, episodes of neglecting our children when drinking.

For example:

On (day/month/year) I returned home from work to find Mr. X naked and passed out due to alcohol intoxication. Our son was in his crib unfed and unchanged. I later found Mr. X's pants and underwear unwashed in the washing machine. Mr. X had defecated in his pants.

On (day/month/year) Mr. X and I took our son to XYZ park. Mr. X was carrying a water bottle that turned out to contain alcohol. He drank the contents and passed out on a bench in front of our son and several other children who were playing in the park. I attempted to wake him but was unable and so walked home with our son. As we came around the corner to our block, a police car passed us. Mr. X was in the back.

I had seven typed pages of things like that, and most of them ended up in the supplemental court order that my ex has to show to the substance abuse evaluator (if he ever gets a substance abuse evaluation). He had three arrests and two trips to the emergency room, but all the rest was anecdotal evidence, taken from my journals.
Any incidents you remember, plus arrests or drunken accidents that result in emergency medical care are really good to note. If you don't remember the exact date, try to at least pin down the month and year. I had a couple of things like that from before I started keeping daily journals. Since he also uses illegal drugs, make a big deal about that. Talk about lost jobs and failed drug tests. The simple fact that it's illegal will count heavily against him, even if it's the alcohol that brings out the worst behavior.

Liveitwell

Lady-your post made he recall one text from my ex...right after divirce he texted me telling me what an awful wife I was, etc, etc and that he didbt like that I planned the demise of our marriage-uh huh. Yes-my journals and seeing at attorney caused the demise of our marriage-me. Nope. HIS actions caused me to keep journals bc he told me I was crazy and caused he to seek an attorney bc I needed help ensuring my safety and more importantly, my kids safety. Anyway, just remembered that blame shifting gem. Lovely!
Document, document, document....abd then document some more.