Purge
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Purge
Hi everyone.
So, I've been posting a lot in the Newcomer's forum for a while, and have joined the May class. I absolutely love the people in class, but I needed to come here to this forum and vent a little bit. No one in the May class does drugs. They are all alcoholics. I am an alcoholic, too, so
it's fine. They just don't have any experience with what I'm going through with the pill wds. So, here I am.
Today is, or was, my 6th day of no hydros. But, I have a day 6 curse. I swear I really do. Every time I try to get clean, day 6 always, always brings me down. Like today. I didn't sleep again last night. Haven't really slept in 6 days. So, I decided to try and do a little housecleaning. And, I found 3 pills. I have no idea when I stashed them, or why, but there they were. And, I am usually really good at not losing my pills. I never stash any away, so I don't know why I did that. But, whatever. Point is, I took them. Didn't even blink about it. And I have been in hell for days, and now I have to start all over again. I am so mad at myself. And ashamed. And upset. I even cried. And, I am NOT a crier. I never cry. But, I just feel like I've thrown all my efforts away. Again.
And, even worse, I don't know how I would even tell my class. It's only May 2nd, for God's sake. And, like I said earlier, I don't think they would understand. I just feel so low. So worthless. There is someone in class who won't even "talk" to me because I think they feel I'm much worse than them for being a druggie on top of an alcoholic. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But, it hurt my feelings. I am really fragile that way. I always think people won't like me. Or they will think I'm weird. And, I'm so lonely and desperate for just some understanding. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Belonging. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Dammit, I wish the stupid teary thing would stop.
I am just so frustrated and sad. I have lost so much lately. First my grandma, who was my person, died, and I found her dead at the kitchen table. Then, my grandpa. he had cancer, and I held him while he cried because he was SO afraid to die. Then, my ex - hole killed my dog. My cat died. My sister - in - law died of a heroin overdose. Two friends died. One suicide. And the other overdosed. My best friend of 25 years died last month. Cancer. And, my mom, who is an ex crack addict and alcoholic, too, started drinking again, and she says it's my fault. Because I'm stressing her out so bad. And, finally, my brother. he barely talks to me because of my pill addiction. Which isn't fair. I was there for him when he was in jail for robbing cars to get money for his meth habit. I spent days, weeks, months, holding his hand while he went through wds and cravings. And now, when I need him most, he bails. It all is just finally, finally too much. I have reached the end of my rope. With myself and everything else. I am just completely overwhelmed.
I feel like I need a thread practically everywhere. One here for the hydros. One in the anxiety forum for the benzos. One in the mj forum for weed. One in the smoking forum. I have too many addictions. Clearly. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Ok. I think I've purged enough for now. If you managed to make it to the end of my long ass post, thank you. I truly appreciate you taking the time.
"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world." - Marilyn Monroe
So, I've been posting a lot in the Newcomer's forum for a while, and have joined the May class. I absolutely love the people in class, but I needed to come here to this forum and vent a little bit. No one in the May class does drugs. They are all alcoholics. I am an alcoholic, too, so
it's fine. They just don't have any experience with what I'm going through with the pill wds. So, here I am.
Today is, or was, my 6th day of no hydros. But, I have a day 6 curse. I swear I really do. Every time I try to get clean, day 6 always, always brings me down. Like today. I didn't sleep again last night. Haven't really slept in 6 days. So, I decided to try and do a little housecleaning. And, I found 3 pills. I have no idea when I stashed them, or why, but there they were. And, I am usually really good at not losing my pills. I never stash any away, so I don't know why I did that. But, whatever. Point is, I took them. Didn't even blink about it. And I have been in hell for days, and now I have to start all over again. I am so mad at myself. And ashamed. And upset. I even cried. And, I am NOT a crier. I never cry. But, I just feel like I've thrown all my efforts away. Again.
And, even worse, I don't know how I would even tell my class. It's only May 2nd, for God's sake. And, like I said earlier, I don't think they would understand. I just feel so low. So worthless. There is someone in class who won't even "talk" to me because I think they feel I'm much worse than them for being a druggie on top of an alcoholic. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But, it hurt my feelings. I am really fragile that way. I always think people won't like me. Or they will think I'm weird. And, I'm so lonely and desperate for just some understanding. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Belonging. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Dammit, I wish the stupid teary thing would stop.
I am just so frustrated and sad. I have lost so much lately. First my grandma, who was my person, died, and I found her dead at the kitchen table. Then, my grandpa. he had cancer, and I held him while he cried because he was SO afraid to die. Then, my ex - hole killed my dog. My cat died. My sister - in - law died of a heroin overdose. Two friends died. One suicide. And the other overdosed. My best friend of 25 years died last month. Cancer. And, my mom, who is an ex crack addict and alcoholic, too, started drinking again, and she says it's my fault. Because I'm stressing her out so bad. And, finally, my brother. he barely talks to me because of my pill addiction. Which isn't fair. I was there for him when he was in jail for robbing cars to get money for his meth habit. I spent days, weeks, months, holding his hand while he went through wds and cravings. And now, when I need him most, he bails. It all is just finally, finally too much. I have reached the end of my rope. With myself and everything else. I am just completely overwhelmed.
I feel like I need a thread practically everywhere. One here for the hydros. One in the anxiety forum for the benzos. One in the mj forum for weed. One in the smoking forum. I have too many addictions. Clearly. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Ok. I think I've purged enough for now. If you managed to make it to the end of my long ass post, thank you. I truly appreciate you taking the time.
"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world." - Marilyn Monroe
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
I've read ur thread sugar sounds tough I've multiple addictions as well - I'm clean of smack but am an alcoholic as well - I quit them separately so if I lapsed on one I wouldn't associate the lapse with the other. All I know is when I'm clean my life gets better and when I use it gets worse. You got help from anyone etc?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Aww, angel...get it...sometimes ya just need a good purging...and crying is good; it's another way of purging, maybe. But, the first time I new I had issues with depression was when I was just crying all the time; like everyday and in the middle of the day and crying so much my face was like a mess and I knew I needed help. Just saying that because, I guess crying is good, but excessive crying can be a sign of something more serious than just needing to get rid of pent up emotion. It could mean your neurotransmitters are off-kilter and need to be restored right. I believe that drug/substance abuse really does contribute to depression and the underlying issues also contribute. So getting clean and sober and being able to move on and be happy is perhaps at least a two-fold matter.
Well, I've always considered alcohol to be a substance just like any other really...and it is... and it is just as powerful, just as addictive and as toxic and poisonous as any other substance. In fact, if one were to compare "drugs", alcohol is a crappy drug and terrible sleep medication a bad anti-depressant. It just happens to be legal, accessible and relatively inexpensive. So, the drinker is not a superior type of addict in no means. So try not to feel bad about that.
Well, I've always considered alcohol to be a substance just like any other really...and it is... and it is just as powerful, just as addictive and as toxic and poisonous as any other substance. In fact, if one were to compare "drugs", alcohol is a crappy drug and terrible sleep medication a bad anti-depressant. It just happens to be legal, accessible and relatively inexpensive. So, the drinker is not a superior type of addict in no means. So try not to feel bad about that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
You and your impeccable timing t!
I did tell the class today. I was ver honest. Iamalways honest with my posts. Too honest sometimes. But they took it well, and i feel much relieved.
Im so emberrassed about the above post. After i wrote it my bro called me and we are good. Hes leaving for cancun on the 21st. I was just having yet again one of my many flip outs here on my way to trying to bet sober. I said way more than i was ever prepared to share at this time, but I cant take it back now.
I am hoping it will just die quickly on the board.
I did tell the class today. I was ver honest. Iamalways honest with my posts. Too honest sometimes. But they took it well, and i feel much relieved.
Im so emberrassed about the above post. After i wrote it my bro called me and we are good. Hes leaving for cancun on the 21st. I was just having yet again one of my many flip outs here on my way to trying to bet sober. I said way more than i was ever prepared to share at this time, but I cant take it back now.
I am hoping it will just die quickly on the board.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
One of the things that this disease does is to convince us that we are somehow different from others. I did different drugs, my situation is different, you don't understand, it worked for you but it won't work for me.... the list is endless.
It's also pure nonsense.
We are all in the same boat.
Who in recovery could you have called the instant you found those pills?
If you can't answer that question, IMO you need to look at your recovery plan.
It's also pure nonsense.
We are all in the same boat.
Who in recovery could you have called the instant you found those pills?
If you can't answer that question, IMO you need to look at your recovery plan.
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by sugarangel 
You and your impeccable timing t!
I did tell the class today. I was ver honest. Iamalways honest with my posts. Too honest sometimes. But they took it well, and i feel much relieved.
Im so emberrassed about the above post. After i wrote it my bro called me and we are good. Hes leaving for cancun on the 21st. I was just having yet again one of my many flip outs here on my way to trying to bet sober. I said way more than i was ever prepared to share at this time, but I cant take it back now.
I am hoping it will just die quickly on the board.
I did tell the class today. I was ver honest. Iamalways honest with my posts. Too honest sometimes. But they took it well, and i feel much relieved.
Im so emberrassed about the above post. After i wrote it my bro called me and we are good. Hes leaving for cancun on the 21st. I was just having yet again one of my many flip outs here on my way to trying to bet sober. I said way more than i was ever prepared to share at this time, but I cant take it back now.
I am hoping it will just die quickly on the board.
I agree with what others have posted. You may need antidepressants or other meds just to get stabilized for awhile. Do you have a doctor or anyone you can see to help you?
Also, getting some counseling can be life saving. Just having someone to vent to, someone in your corner, someone you can call when the cravings hit.
And keep posting here. There is tons of support. And I got through a lot of cravings at first just posting here.
Try to be gentle with yourself. You are an amazingly strong person whether or not you see it yet.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
First off, I want to start by saying I know how you feel when everyone is alcoholic but you have both. My DOC is heroin.
Every single "friend" I have ever had is dead or I had to let them go because when I got sober I choose to change my phone number, delete face book, and I even moved on top of it. I started fresh. It gets very easy to feel alone, my family is 12 hours away, my dad died when I was 15, my boyfriend and best friend is in prison right now, I have no friends, and when I am feeling down I can really start to get a list going.
However, the longer you are sober the less overwhelming you will find circumstances and life events such as family sickness, loss, disappointment, and death. You have been through SO much, but using is only going to amplify what you have been going through.
It sounds like everything is overwhelming and that you really just need a break and to be able to breathe. Is there anyway to get away for a week or two while you get clean? Out patient can help you meet a lot of new people that are going through the same thing, while you get counseling, and while you are held accountable. AA and NA meetings are also a good way to meet people if you feel like you need support. We cannot force our loved ones to react and act the way we feel they should, but we can reach out to others and find the support we need elsewhere. It won't change the fact that we are hurting or that they let us down, but you don't need to feel alone, unaccepted, or that you don't have support.
I am almost 10 months sober and I NEVER thought I would get here. You can do it, everyone always thinks they can't do it or can't get past a certain day but you CAN. A for finding the pills, it wasn't a coincidence. You might not have consciously remembered, but unconsciously your mind knew where to make you look. Don't ever think that something like that is a "sign" that you don't need to be sober, that you can't be sober, or that the universe is somehow working against you.
We are here for you, and you can always private message me if you need some support or just someone to talk to .
HUGS
Adeline
Every single "friend" I have ever had is dead or I had to let them go because when I got sober I choose to change my phone number, delete face book, and I even moved on top of it. I started fresh. It gets very easy to feel alone, my family is 12 hours away, my dad died when I was 15, my boyfriend and best friend is in prison right now, I have no friends, and when I am feeling down I can really start to get a list going.
However, the longer you are sober the less overwhelming you will find circumstances and life events such as family sickness, loss, disappointment, and death. You have been through SO much, but using is only going to amplify what you have been going through.
It sounds like everything is overwhelming and that you really just need a break and to be able to breathe. Is there anyway to get away for a week or two while you get clean? Out patient can help you meet a lot of new people that are going through the same thing, while you get counseling, and while you are held accountable. AA and NA meetings are also a good way to meet people if you feel like you need support. We cannot force our loved ones to react and act the way we feel they should, but we can reach out to others and find the support we need elsewhere. It won't change the fact that we are hurting or that they let us down, but you don't need to feel alone, unaccepted, or that you don't have support.
I am almost 10 months sober and I NEVER thought I would get here. You can do it, everyone always thinks they can't do it or can't get past a certain day but you CAN. A for finding the pills, it wasn't a coincidence. You might not have consciously remembered, but unconsciously your mind knew where to make you look. Don't ever think that something like that is a "sign" that you don't need to be sober, that you can't be sober, or that the universe is somehow working against you.
We are here for you, and you can always private message me if you need some support or just someone to talk to .
HUGS
Adeline
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,473
Hi sugar!
I know you want this thread to die but I had to say (if only for the benefit of others) the Class threads are for 'druggies' too
the 'alkies' may have the numbers but there's been a steady intake of folks with other problems, and I always try and encourage the idea that everyone is welcome
I feel absolutely confident in saying that if you go public with your relapse, your relapse will be treated in exactly the same way as other relapses - with a lack of judgement and a lot of support
[ I see you did ]
If anyone does makes you feel 'less than', and you're sure it's not in your head, I'd be sad, and a little angry, about that.
You can always PM me about stuff like that and you can use the ignore function on them, and not see their posts again.
You belong
D
I know you want this thread to die but I had to say (if only for the benefit of others) the Class threads are for 'druggies' too
the 'alkies' may have the numbers but there's been a steady intake of folks with other problems, and I always try and encourage the idea that everyone is welcome
I feel absolutely confident in saying that if you go public with your relapse, your relapse will be treated in exactly the same way as other relapses - with a lack of judgement and a lot of support
[ I see you did
]If anyone does makes you feel 'less than', and you're sure it's not in your head, I'd be sad, and a little angry, about that.
You can always PM me about stuff like that and you can use the ignore function on them, and not see their posts again.
You belong
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
GIRL! you don't have to keep doing this to yourself, you are just like me. carrying the weight of the world and this addiction on your shoulders. NA is free. It can save your life. Go and sit in meetings daily. you don't have to talk. I SWEAR it will help.
DO you have NA near you? You can surrender, and do this I promise you......you never have to feel this way again...
DO you have NA near you? You can surrender, and do this I promise you......you never have to feel this way again...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Oh my gosh, you guys. I was totally floored when I saw your posts. Thank you. It really touched my heart. You all are just really amazing. I dont even know what to say.
Im SO sorry if anyone took the above post the wrong way. I am not allowed to let my feelings out in my f to f life. Ever. So, I dont really know how to regulate them, because I try not to acknowledge
them. So when i go through wds, suddenly i just explode. It just happens that way. But, in no way was i implying my problems were somehow worse or less understandable than others. In fact, i think thr opposite. It never even entered my mind. I am in awe of all of you. Im sorry if i upset anyone. I really was just venting, having a chick moment. And yes, im still embarrassed.
Adeline, you posted your recovery plan for me before, and ive actually used it as a blueprint for my new one. I hope you dont mind. Ive been reading a lot about rec. plans, and yours felt most close to whats doable for me. My last plan was outrageouslybad, and set me up for failure. Im really starting to get and understand recovery plans now. And your post was so sweet. Thank you.
Thank you Lyoness, for being so kind and understanding.
Dee, you always seem to know the right thing to say. The last 2 words of your post meant everything.
Im SO sorry if anyone took the above post the wrong way. I am not allowed to let my feelings out in my f to f life. Ever. So, I dont really know how to regulate them, because I try not to acknowledge
them. So when i go through wds, suddenly i just explode. It just happens that way. But, in no way was i implying my problems were somehow worse or less understandable than others. In fact, i think thr opposite. It never even entered my mind. I am in awe of all of you. Im sorry if i upset anyone. I really was just venting, having a chick moment. And yes, im still embarrassed.
Adeline, you posted your recovery plan for me before, and ive actually used it as a blueprint for my new one. I hope you dont mind. Ive been reading a lot about rec. plans, and yours felt most close to whats doable for me. My last plan was outrageouslybad, and set me up for failure. Im really starting to get and understand recovery plans now. And your post was so sweet. Thank you.
Thank you Lyoness, for being so kind and understanding.
Dee, you always seem to know the right thing to say. The last 2 words of your post meant everything.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Sorry. Lost the end of last post and had to start another. Stupid tablet.
Anyway, thank you, Dee. Youre awesome.
Hi Ft. I know you get me. Ive read your thread. You and Lyoness, both. Shoot, i could have written some of your posts. I want you guys to know how much you inspire me to keep trying, keep going. Thank you.
I am working on a new recovery plan, and am going in for an assessment with a place that gives you an addiction counselor, a therapist, and meds if they feel you need them. I am also looking into grief therapy. I think i maybe need that. I have more, but im trying to take it slower this time and let my plan work. I am going to get this eventually.
Anyway, thank you, Dee. Youre awesome.
Hi Ft. I know you get me. Ive read your thread. You and Lyoness, both. Shoot, i could have written some of your posts. I want you guys to know how much you inspire me to keep trying, keep going. Thank you.
I am working on a new recovery plan, and am going in for an assessment with a place that gives you an addiction counselor, a therapist, and meds if they feel you need them. I am also looking into grief therapy. I think i maybe need that. I have more, but im trying to take it slower this time and let my plan work. I am going to get this eventually.
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