Purge
Hi everyone.
So, I've been posting a lot in the Newcomer's forum for a while, and have joined the May class. I absolutely love the people in class, but I needed to come here to this forum and vent a little bit. No one in the May class does drugs. They are all alcoholics. I am an alcoholic, too, so
it's fine. They just don't have any experience with what I'm going through with the pill wds. So, here I am.
Today is, or was, my 6th day of no hydros. But, I have a day 6 curse. I swear I really do. Every time I try to get clean, day 6 always, always brings me down. Like today. I didn't sleep again last night. Haven't really slept in 6 days. So, I decided to try and do a little housecleaning. And, I found 3 pills. I have no idea when I stashed them, or why, but there they were. And, I am usually really good at not losing my pills. I never stash any away, so I don't know why I did that. But, whatever. Point is, I took them. Didn't even blink about it. And I have been in hell for days, and now I have to start all over again. I am so mad at myself. And ashamed. And upset. I even cried. And, I am NOT a crier. I never cry. But, I just feel like I've thrown all my efforts away. Again.
And, even worse, I don't know how I would even tell my class. It's only May 2nd, for God's sake. And, like I said earlier, I don't think they would understand. I just feel so low. So worthless. There is someone in class who won't even "talk" to me because I think they feel I'm much worse than them for being a druggie on top of an alcoholic. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But, it hurt my feelings. I am really fragile that way. I always think people won't like me. Or they will think I'm weird. And, I'm so lonely and desperate for just some understanding. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Belonging. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Dammit, I wish the stupid teary thing would stop.
I am just so frustrated and sad. I have lost so much lately. First my grandma, who was my person, died, and I found her dead at the kitchen table. Then, my grandpa. he had cancer, and I held him while he cried because he was SO afraid to die. Then, my ex - hole killed my dog. My cat died. My sister - in - law died of a heroin overdose. Two friends died. One suicide. And the other overdosed. My best friend of 25 years died last month. Cancer. And, my mom, who is an ex crack addict and alcoholic, too, started drinking again, and she says it's my fault. Because I'm stressing her out so bad. And, finally, my brother. he barely talks to me because of my pill addiction. Which isn't fair. I was there for him when he was in jail for robbing cars to get money for his meth habit. I spent days, weeks, months, holding his hand while he went through wds and cravings. And now, when I need him most, he bails. It all is just finally, finally too much. I have reached the end of my rope. With myself and everything else. I am just completely overwhelmed.
I feel like I need a thread practically everywhere. One here for the hydros. One in the anxiety forum for the benzos. One in the mj forum for weed. One in the smoking forum. I have too many addictions. Clearly. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Ok. I think I've purged enough for now. If you managed to make it to the end of my long ass post, thank you. I truly appreciate you taking the time.
"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world." - Marilyn Monroe