First off, I want to start by saying I know how you feel when everyone is alcoholic but you have both. My DOC is heroin.
Every single "friend" I have ever had is dead or I had to let them go because when I got sober I choose to change my phone number, delete face book, and I even moved on top of it. I started fresh. It gets very easy to feel alone, my family is 12 hours away, my dad died when I was 15, my boyfriend and best friend is in prison right now, I have no friends, and when I am feeling down I can really start to get a list going.
However, the longer you are sober the less overwhelming you will find circumstances and life events such as family sickness, loss, disappointment, and death. You have been through SO much, but using is only going to amplify what you have been going through.
It sounds like everything is overwhelming and that you really just need a break and to be able to breathe. Is there anyway to get away for a week or two while you get clean? Out patient can help you meet a lot of new people that are going through the same thing, while you get counseling, and while you are held accountable. AA and NA meetings are also a good way to meet people if you feel like you need support. We cannot force our loved ones to react and act the way we feel they should, but we can reach out to others and find the support we need elsewhere. It won't change the fact that we are hurting or that they let us down, but you don't need to feel alone, unaccepted, or that you don't have support.
I am almost 10 months sober and I NEVER thought I would get here. You can do it, everyone always thinks they can't do it or can't get past a certain day but you CAN. A for finding the pills, it wasn't a coincidence. You might not have consciously remembered, but unconsciously your mind knew where to make you look. Don't ever think that something like that is a "sign" that you don't need to be sober, that you can't be sober, or that the universe is somehow working against you.
We are here for you, and you can always private message me if you need some support or just someone to talk to .
HUGS
Adeline