wanttobehealthy

Who else has an xAH or xAW who harasses them about claiming the kids.

My decree says clearly if he is NOT current on child support, he doesn't get to claim a kid.

He's not current, thus I claim both.

He's of course having a tantrum.

And now this is going to be more $ I have to spend I am sure, having a lawyer respond to the motions he is threatening to file to modify CS.

Truthfully, while he is not paying it, it IS higher than it should be... But that is bc he refuses to be a sane human being and mediate as I even offered to do, to make it more reasonable.

It's based on a high income he USED to have.

But he is not current so I claimed both kids.

Is there ANY reason for me to think it would be worthwhile to NOT do that in hopes it keeps the peace?

Liveitwell

Friend, there is no keeping the peace with men like this. They are idiots. Yes, I've dealt with it and it's just another thing they can complain about. Narcissism 101.

Liveitwell

Btw, it doesn't matter if your decree is written in his mothers own blood-it doesn't matter bc he doesn't think the rules apply to him. You know this....he's using the same "get her worked up about some other thing".....(not said with harshness at all). Hugs!

hopeful4

I second that. I would claim them. If he is not current...his problem. He won't mediate...his problem. He won't get CS adjusted....his problem. He would just try to bully you in other ways if you back down on this issue. If you have it in clear writing, and he is in violation of CS which gives you the right to claim the kids, do it.

I made a deal with my XAH this year to claim my daughter even though it was his year. It's to offset some of the CS I forgave. It did not come close to making up for that amount, but it helped some.

I want to come in and add, if you are afraid of some other thing in court b/c of this as an outcome, that would be a separate issue, and one to discuss with your attorney to see if it's worth it or not. I know your area has some messed up court rulings.

wanttobehealthy

I think that no matter what I do about CS or not, he will continue to fill frivolous nonsense with the court.

He continues to complain about the parenting plan too and wanting to not have the breathalyzer etc...

And I think that claiming a kid or not, that will remain something he files with the court about and complains about...

Gonnachange

Stand your ground. Whether the payments are higher or not than they "should" be, it's his responsibility to attempt to have the amount adjusted. That is NOT a factor with the deductions; I am not an attorney and have no personal knowledge of anything like this, but if your decree states something and you're following it then I don't see where an issue could arise. Additional legal fees is another story, but this sounds like a lot of bluster to me.

dandylion

wantpbehealthy.....I am going to say this for the hundredth time.....
Do NOT try to play "nice"..."co-operative"...."agreeable"......"peacemaker"....."f air"..."equitable".....or any other similar word that comes to mind......Not when you are dealing with a narcissist or mess-up person.....
It works the opposite of keeping the peace o r making them easier to deal with!
It encourages them. It just provides another opportunity for them to stick the knife a little deeper.
If you offer your h and---they will take your arm!

You have to have boundaries like steel. You have to be a real battleax.
You have to show your teeth when you speak.

There is not keeping the peace with this guy. Remove such fanciful thoughts from your brain. That stuff is for dealing with NORMAL people, only......

dandylion

redatlanta

why even discuss it?

You have an Order which gives you every guideline for what to do. If he's not current you get to claim. End. Of. Story.

amy55

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with him. Your ex makes my ex appear reasonable.

File the taxes the way that you want to file them. According to the court papers.

Let him take you to court to modify the child support. Let him prove how much he paid in child support, and how much he owes you. You don't need an attorney, you really aren't getting that much if anything in child support. I think I remember he owes over $10,000. When he takes you to court for this, he now has a job. His wages can be garnished.

You don't need to put up with this BS. Whenever he threatens to take you to court, just tell him, OK, I'll see you there.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

wanttobehealthy

Why is it I am so afraid to hold him to a FINAL court order?

I really don't know what I am so fearful of with the court that it makes me let him get away with this...

dandylion

wth......I surely know that the prospect of going to court is scary for just about everyone! It makes us feel vulnerable and it feels like someone else (the court) has power and control of us...at the bottom line.

the thing is, I think....and I have had personal experience with a narcissist who went out of h is way to try to make my life a misery......
the thing is....DO NOT let them see you sweat. Don't let them see you flinch.
Yes, you might be afraid, frustrated, cry and all the rest....that is human....
BUt DON'T LET THEM KNOW IT.

And, forPete's sake----stop giving him bullets for his gun!!!!

dandylion

suki44883

^^^^ This^^^^

You have tried to be "fair" with him over and over again and all it gets you is more misery. He does not play by the rules; it's as simple as that. He is always, always going to try to find ways to make you miserable. That won't change if you allow him to claim the kids on his taxes. It will only take away money that is rightfully yours...money you have more than earned.

You have the Order on your side. Claiming the kids on your taxes isn't going to get you in trouble with the court. The court has given you permission to do so. I know this is so hard...I divorced a narcissistic ******* myself over 20 years ago; but, I am still here and my daughter cut ties with her dad as soon as she turned 18.

Your ex is a bitter, miserable little person and the only thing he has in his life is his determination to cause you grief, and he doesn't care if it hurts the girls in the meantime or not. He's a selfish, egotistical abuser. You just keep doing what is right by the girls and abide by the court order, and you will be fine. (((HUGS)))

redatlanta

He has threatened you, bullied you, oppressed you, manipulated you. He is overbearing, ignores boundaries, ignores Court orders, threatens to use your children at their expense to harm you. There's the why.

However, his repeated failure to follow the parenting plan, and pay child support, puts him in a really bad position. You have everything you need your like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

Amy is right, let him take you to Court. He won't. Unless he is THAT delusional. Even if so it won't go well for himl. You really would do well to only respond by cutting and pasting whatever part of the Divorce Decree or Parenting Plan is applicable, its been suggested. No-further-communication beyond a sentence regarding your children. F him.

amy55

WTBH,
He knows you are afraid of court. If I live within 5 hours of you, I will go to court with you and support you there. You got my word on that.

((((((hugs)))))
amy

BuffaloGal

My aexh filed several years worth of back taxes and claimed our child on all of them. Our divorce decree specified that we alternate years.
I offered to let it go... if he would give up any claim to our house. I made the down payment, and had been paying the mortgage for years. He agreed. I then sold the house for a substantial profit. He would have been better off sticking to our original agreement. He doesn't mess with me financially anymore.

Liveitwell

WTBH-when in mediation with my then husband the spreadsheet of assets and liabilities actually came out that HE owed me money. But, I didn't feel right about him not getting any money out of the house that he had worked hard for. So, bc I'm nice and not evil, I did pay him $12,000 to buy out his portion of the house, against advice of others. He actually owed me money but I paid him. Nobody knows that-I didn't share that with anyone but one person. Why? I didn't do it to ever get a thank you from him, I did it bc I thought it was right, regardless of what the spreadsheet said he owed me. My point is this....it doesn't matter if you are nice or not nice-these guys re going to act like they act no matter what-selfish, arrogant, egotistical little abusers. It is who they are, regardless of what you do.

You have the court order that you have followed-he has not. End of story!!!

AnvilheadII

don't worry about how HE files HIS taxes.....you have a court order that clearly states you are allowed to claim both children. period. don't even TALK to him about it!??? don't talk to him about anything. you still give the blowhard WAY too much power.

which i know is all well and good and easy for ME to say. but i think you would do well to practice reacting LESS every time he sneezes. or threatens court. if YOU adhere to the parenting plan, to the court order, dot your "I's and cross your "T's" you will save yourself a lot of grief down the road.

don't poke the bear. go as radio silent as possible. give him NOTHING to latch on to.

hopeful4

If he is going to keep messing with you anyways, claim the kids and at least get the money you are owed for it. I get it, dealing with these guys are scary.

Many hugs!

atalose

That's what you need to figure out because he knows you are afraid. That's why he continues doing to you what he does.

wanttobehealthy

Sorry- I was not clear-- my fault. He's been emailing me about this. I haven't replied to him at all though.

I'm definitely reacting here-- you all see and hear my anxiety over this. But to HIM, Im not reacting about this.

He emailed me 11 x since Sunday ranting that he has a right to see my taxes filed this year (nope, he doesn't) and that he is claiming DD10 as is his "right" and that I had "better not" claim both kids...

Lots of baiting, lots of stuff that I was inclined to reply to and defend myself about.

I didn't though.

Even with NO reply, he continues... and it wears at me and raises my anxiety about what he will do if I adhere to the court order.

He clearly knows what the decree says, he knows he's in arrears for child support... So he's trying to bully me... Same old same old...

Mentally it wears on me and has an impact... I guess it's a slow process for me to go from reacting to him, responding to him, defending myself to him to being silent but it still takes up space in my mind... I hate that... And that's my thing to work on for sure (along with a million other things!)