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She proved me right after all...

Old 04-07-2016, 12:28 AM
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She proved me right after all...

So, it's been almost a year since I left my XAGF, and I've had some issues come up this month. First of all, though, I'm almost a year without alcohol or cigarettes or drugs of any kind, and I'm almost a year out of codependent abusive relationships.

I had a long distance relationship going, but that ended a couple of weeks ago, poorly, as I felt like I was being ignored and she broke up over text message right after I had just paid money and visited her.

Anyway, I had all the HALT signs today, as I've been stressed out at work, lonely at the loss of my relationship, angry at a change in job situation, and just tired of working and going to school. However, I ignored them, and I thought I would check my ex's Facebook. Big mistake.

It turns out she got pregnant and had a kid last month. This was 11 months after I left her. Doing the math, at least it's not mine, but I went through all the emotions again today. Felt angry and betrayed...like...how could she go out and get herself pregnant only a couple of months after we had split!?!? She didn't even get married. The last I heard from her was July, so I anticipate she either found out then or already knew. Probably trying to Hoover me in to blame the pregnancy on me.

Anyway, I've been trying really hard to focus on the good here, but I really regret opening that can of worms. Everyone here tells me not to, and I drank the poison anyway. I guess I was just holding on to a shard of hope that she would get better, and I wanted so badly for her to prove me wrong. Instead, she has proven me right. Thanks for listening.

"I Left the Chaos," and "Anger Stage" for context.
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Old 04-07-2016, 03:40 AM
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I suppose the good here is ...

(1) a lesson learned about dipping your toe into the vortex. With alcohol that might be smelling your favourite spirit or liqueur, or taking a first drink. In the case of a codependency relationship I suppose Facebook trawling would be an example. Trouble is that vortex can seem so harmless from the outside, then as you dip your toe in you feel it's strength and can get sucked in. I'd suggest getting to whatever support networks you can (this place, AA, AlAnon, Coda or your therapist or whatever) and let them haul you back to the middle of the life raft and stay there, well away from any more paddling temptations.

(2) You dodged a big ugly bullet when you hit away from that relationship didn't you! If that's not good I don't know what is.
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Old 04-07-2016, 05:36 AM
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It turns out she got pregnant and had a kid last month. This was 11 months after I left her. Doing the math, at least it's not mine, but I went through all the emotions again today. Felt angry and betrayed...like...how could she go out and get herself pregnant only a couple of months after we had split!?!? She didn't even get married. The last I heard from her was July, so I anticipate she either found out then or already knew. Probably trying to Hoover me in to blame the pregnancy on me.

Just pointing out a couple of things. Sadly, women find themselves having to deal with unwanted pregnancy all too often. Don't know if that's the case here. Broken up is broken up. I get where you are coming from that she obviously was sleeping with someone within a month or so of the breakup - its not uncommon, and she did nothing to YOU. Who knows why she contacted you, but to assume it was to blame you for the pregnancy you don't know that either. If she were intent on that I feel you would have had further contact from her. That's so easy to prove now a days I don't hear of it often.

The fact is you don't know what she is or is not doing other than has given birth. I certainly hope she has gotten herself together, maybe she has. Maybe not. Horrifying to think of her drinking and drugging and pregnant or raising a child in that circumstance. There is nothing to gain from looking at FB but make assumptions along with a few verifications.

She has nothing to prove to you. You exited the relationship. YOU went on to another as well. Its good that you did. You looked at her FB page after your relationship broke up. Feeling blue I imagine. Well, that could have been you tied to her for a lifetime adding in an innocent child, having to deal with custody issues an trying to work the Court system if she is still drinking and drugging. What a nightmare.

You have done so well in this past year. Keep it up, nothing to fret over here. Perhaps relief will come soon that you escaped the situation.
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Old 04-07-2016, 06:32 AM
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Yeah. I guess that's really all I can be grateful for. I'm not still tied to the crazy and dealing with a kid and a drug addicted mom. It was just more of a reminder to me of why I left her in the first place. She was sleeping around when we were together, and when I told her I would give her 90 days to sober up, it only took her two days to message her ex and ask him to come see her while drunk at the bar. I guess I'm just still angry at her for everything before in addition to this and haven't yet figured out how to forgive her. Maybe she has straightened out, but I doubt it. If nothing changes nothing changes. I'm still going to support groups, but obviously I made a major blunder here during a moment of vulnerability. There's no going back now, I just have to keep moving forward.
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:05 AM
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Heya Noinsanity, congrats for getting through all this sober.

I've done the look up the XABF too. Not a good idea but understandable. My XABF went from our 5 year relationship to having a child with someone else pretty fast. Yep the-ol-knife-turn-in-the-gut thingy. *****.

Irk. Just a bit of a reminder of the extent of the bullet you dodged: if you had stayed you would now have the addict, the chaos and probably a child with fetal alcohol syndrome. The special prize that you dudes can win when in a relationship with an addict. This stuff so sucks.

Big, big hug to you, you smart, strong man. I so hope there is a healthy, happy GORGEOUS woman out there for you.
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Old 04-07-2016, 07:21 AM
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I think as human beings we are naturally curious creatures especially us codies when it comes to ex’s. When we know better we do better. You have found that you don’t like the emotions in you that got stirred up when you took a look backwards. Kind of like touching the hot oven, we have to do it a couple of times and get burned before we really learn that lesson.

Try changing your negative thinking from you being a victim of her and the relationship to a positive thinking that you made a very wise and smart decision to leave a toxic person and a relationship filled with lies and manipulations.

Sorry your next relationship after her didn’t work out but again, think on the positive side. Usually a long distance relationship for someone with codependency issues will never work out. It’s like having a built in wall right from the beginning where the object becomes trying to remove that wall instead of truly seeing the relationship for what it is rather than what we want it to be. Also us codies are great at finding people who like to be detached and casually date where we are planning our futures around them.
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Old 04-07-2016, 08:50 AM
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noinsanity.....hope dies hard.....

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Old 04-07-2016, 02:46 PM
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Yeah, I see the point now. I guess I just kept thinking there might be hope of a restoration, but at least now I know there is no chance. I had to burn myself to learn the lesson, and I just have to give up on it. That person I thought I knew and loved wasn't the real one. I discovered the real one after two years, and the real one has taken over her and ruined any chance of us being together. For my own survival, I have to keep moving forward. I won't find any bread by shopping at the hardware store. I have to move on elsewhere. It really just sucks that I have this loss, but I guess this is the cost of my addiction to her. Frankly, none of this was worth it, and I can only hope never to make the same mistake again.
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Old 04-07-2016, 02:58 PM
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NI, I have a long and shameful history of snooping. One thing I did when I finally gave it up a couple of years ago was to just block the FB profiles of people I was tempted to "check up on." My STBXAH isn't on social media, so that hasn't been an issue for me. But there are people who are tangential to our relationship who ARE on social media, and I just blocked them all. Not to keep them from seeing my stuff (my stuff is locked down pretty tight anyway), but to keep ME from just popping over to their pages.

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Old 04-07-2016, 07:15 PM
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NI,
I know it hurts, but agree with ataloose, that turn it to a positive. You were smart enough not to get her pregnant. You were smart enough to end the relationship and walk a way, and so on. Take it as God blessed you, not punished you.

The old rule of thumb is "No new contact, means no new hurts" Hugs my friend we feel your pain and understand.
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Old 04-08-2016, 05:35 PM
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So, today has been another day struggling with anxiety from finding out news about my ex. I've been anxious all day, and I realize that it's coming from my desire to fix and control things that I cannot control or change. I like that saying, "No new contact = no new hurts." My mom pointed out that my ex is not at all hurt by her own behavior. Her lifestyle works pretty well for her right now. However it bothers me when I witness her acting out. I get it now. We are two completely different people, and no amount of pleading or begging will get her to change.

Wow. I just still don't understand how addicts can be such jerks and wreck the lives of everyone around them with complete disregard for how it makes others feel. It's pretty unfair. She gets to hurt me emotionally and then move on without a second thought or feeling any kind of remorse. I get left to deal with the aftermath. It's definitely a narcissistic disease, and I guess I escaped destruction with some manageable wounds. This could have been much worse.
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Old 04-08-2016, 05:44 PM
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One thing to keep in mind, addicts are usually struggling with some pretty powerful internal demons.
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Old 04-08-2016, 10:54 PM
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Yeah, demons for sure. The difference I see is just the way we were raised. I was always brought up to respect and be kind to people, so, naturally, I became a codie, and, even in the height of my alcohol abuse, I never fought with people, tried to tear them down, or abused them. However, she was never taught to respect anyone. Her mom doesn't even respect herself. So, we had disagreements on cops, rules, etc, and she disrespected me because she didn't know how to respect anyone. Abuse wasn't far off from disrespect, and a lack of empathy for anyone completes the picture.
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Old 04-09-2016, 05:31 AM
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Part of recovery for us is forgiving ourselves for staying in and putting up with (often) appalling behavior. She showed you numerous times who she was. Aside from the drinking she was cheating. You gave her multiple opportunities when you should have ended it. As an adult, you don't have to be taught how to respect someone to know what respect is. You don't have to be taught to be honest to know what a lie is. Certainly her upbringing has molded her, yet that can become a codie's excuse to continue on in a relationship by excusing behavior due to "uncontrollable" bad parenting, and poor family relationships.

Your roll in a situation like this becomes parental. Its not a fulfilling, or a healthy relationship.

. She gets to hurt me emotionally and then move on without a second thought or feeling any kind of remorse. You don't know what she feels. Its better that way. No point in projecting on her what you think she thinks, or feels. Perhaps before you did, she realized it wasn't going to work. Even if you knew she was sorry it doesn't really change anything. Its not that she GOT to hurt you, you allowed her to. First time shame on you, second time shame on me kinda thing. Its important to recognize your part in it lest you feel that you were her punching bag with no alternatives.

Codies dismiss red flags, and will take loads of unacceptable behavior. Then be upset for the lack of caring by the person who does it. I have often reflected on past relationships in which I was treated badly and forgave, forgave, forgave, only to live another miserable day with them down the road. Who's the crazy one them or me? ME.
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Old 04-09-2016, 09:59 AM
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Yeah. I guess all I can say for sure is I'm the crazy one for giving her chance after chance to hurt me. I have to explore what it is about myself that is still drawn to her even though I know the only thing she can do is hurt me.
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Old 04-10-2016, 04:03 AM
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Originally Posted by noinsanity2423 View Post
So, today has been another day struggling with anxiety from finding out news about my ex. I've been anxious all day, and I realize that it's coming from my desire to fix and control things that I cannot control or change. I like that saying, "No new contact = no new hurts." My mom pointed out that my ex is not at all hurt by her own behavior. Her lifestyle works pretty well for her right now. However it bothers me when I witness her acting out. I get it now. We are two completely different people, and no amount of pleading or begging will get her to change.

Wow. I just still don't understand how addicts can be such jerks and wreck the lives of everyone around them with complete disregard for how it makes others feel. It's pretty unfair. She gets to hurt me emotionally and then move on without a second thought or feeling any kind of remorse. I get left to deal with the aftermath. It's definitely a narcissistic disease, and I guess I escaped destruction with some manageable wounds. This could have been much worse.
Thanks for writing this noinsanity. I relate to this so much after getting out of an abusive relationship and I'm so grateful to read somebody put into words so well what's been so painful for me.

I read the books and listen to the advice and take it all in seriously, and logically I know that I have to look at things another way, think another way, do whatever I do differently, that I should take responsibility for my part in the dysfunction, and I've even gotten a lot better about separating myself from the person and their behavior and all that, but really...this stuff just hurts, too. There's a healing process and it doesn't seem to work in a linear way...at least not for me. I can't just do it all in my head.

I hope you can find a way to shift the focus back to you soon
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Old 04-10-2016, 05:58 AM
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Often times underlying alcoholism is a personality disorder, or mental illness. Considering her familial upbringing, and her actions, i would guess (just a guess) a PD. The good side of a PD is charisma, energy, sense of humor, appearance to be very loving, interesting, charming. attractive (especially if dealing with a narcissist). They are a perfect fit in every way, you like the exact same things!. They can be very fascinating. Then things change......and you end up with a nightmare you don't recognize. Add in alcoholism and addiction and its simply an unmanageable situation. Why we stay I figure is we just keep trying to row back upstream, ,and get them back to what they once were. The attraction remains due to our memories, and when you are offered a day or two of the "old person" here and there.

You probably had real chemistry with this woman. You can't fault yourself for remembering that feeling. You don't really know what's going on with her at all. You are left to your imagination via photos on FB. That'a why its suggested to dump all social media and not look ever. FB is a PR machine, the ultimate catfish. Realistically, you didn't exit the relationship and her behavior took a 180. She is an unstable alcoholic who is now a single mother. I recall she had a very hard time holding down a job, could not support herself, and required another person to manage her life. A baby isn't a welcome addition to a person like this. What a mess.
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Old 04-10-2016, 08:42 AM
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Thanks for the replies. I see everyone here is alluding to the fact that I'm better off without her, and I have to say I agree. I've been framing the loss of this relationship as something sad for me, and I've been wallowing in self pity. I did fall in love for the chemistry, for what she said, and for who she was at the beginning. I kept trying and trying to get us back there when she started acting out, but that was futile because she was showing me the real person.

I read something that someone who does not respect me, is not loyal, and cheats does not love me at all. Love is supposed to make it really hard to cheat. I mean, I never once fathomed cheating on her while we were together. She was my world. But she went out and cheated on me. I didn't really intend to leave her forever--just postpone the wedding for 90 days while she sobered up. When I left, I couldn't even think of anyone else but her. It took her mere days to start hunting. If she really loved me, her actions would have matched her words. Truly, it seems that she only ever loved herself. Love in our relationship was just about me meeting her needs. When I didn't want to do that anymore, I was cast aside without a thought.

It doesn't make sense for me to keep mourning the loss of a person who couldn't love me to begin with. I'm done seeing this as a tragedy. Not getting stuck with someone that didn't love me is the best outcome I could have hoped for. My love was never going to be reciprocated in the first place. I'll use this experience to become a better person. Thanks for listening.
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Old 04-10-2016, 08:44 AM
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Block the social media for good as a solid first step to get the focus back on you.

Your addiction to her is still simmering just below the surface.
Don't feed it.

Be kind to you--
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Old 04-10-2016, 08:45 AM
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Hopefully for you you'll come to a place of gratitude that you aren't with this person.




Originally Posted by noinsanity2423 View Post
So, it's been almost a year since I left my XAGF, and I've had some issues come up this month. First of all, though, I'm almost a year without alcohol or cigarettes or drugs of any kind, and I'm almost a year out of codependent abusive relationships.

I had a long distance relationship going, but that ended a couple of weeks ago, poorly, as I felt like I was being ignored and she broke up over text message right after I had just paid money and visited her.

Anyway, I had all the HALT signs today, as I've been stressed out at work, lonely at the loss of my relationship, angry at a change in job situation, and just tired of working and going to school. However, I ignored them, and I thought I would check my ex's Facebook. Big mistake.

It turns out she got pregnant and had a kid last month. This was 11 months after I left her. Doing the math, at least it's not mine, but I went through all the emotions again today. Felt angry and betrayed...like...how could she go out and get herself pregnant only a couple of months after we had split!?!? She didn't even get married. The last I heard from her was July, so I anticipate she either found out then or already knew. Probably trying to Hoover me in to blame the pregnancy on me.

Anyway, I've been trying really hard to focus on the good here, but I really regret opening that can of worms. Everyone here tells me not to, and I drank the poison anyway. I guess I was just holding on to a shard of hope that she would get better, and I wanted so badly for her to prove me wrong. Instead, she has proven me right. Thanks for listening.

"I Left the Chaos," and "Anger Stage" for context.
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