LosingSleep

Please bear with me guys, I feel like I'm disappearing into a pit here and have nowhere else to go with this stuff xx

I feel like I am going crazy, my AH drinks himself to sleep every night, so right now the behaviour doesn't 'affect' me......but I feel so low about it.

The hungover mornings and snappy behaviour, the unreliability (I had to stay home from my ad-hoc work because he smelt like alcohol from previous night and was afraid to leave kids)

He isn't drunk in the morning, just constantly recovering......I can see he is trying to act better , but the deceit and void of trust or discussion is getting to me.

Never knowing if he is intending to try and get sober sometime or whether this is it...

He works, he pays the bills, so he hasn't neglected his home in some ways but I don't trust him, I feel married to a stranger and its wearing me down. I feel tired of the stuff I can't mention, the rows we have if he feels I'm taking too much control in the home, even though he has taken his hands off the wheel. He leaves all the decisions to me but will become obstinate and surly at random decisions made. It seems so petty but I'm getting really low.

He still does things like cook for the family, but is so chaotic. He lives with piles of stuff and creates disorder. He is secretive in order to hide the drinking and I can't discuss things with him as he gets confused and then blames me for not being clear.

Is this small fry that I should just be getting over ? The man is not slamming my head against walls, I can't figure out why I can't just ignore his bs and keep going....

Thanks for listening. Im trying to figure out why this is making me so low and how I can move through it...

I keep trying to hold on and hold on for the kids because I should be able to deal with this right?

Words of wisdom or experience gratefully received

silentrun

Your husband drinks like I did. He probably can't see it yet but it's a huge problem. He is changing and doesn't even know it. That kind of drinking can cause depression, anxiety and anger. You are not over reacting and it sounds to me like your instincts are right on.

honeypig

Just b/c your AH isn't "slamming your head against the wall" doesn't mean that the way he is acting and is treating you is perfectly fine.

Here's a thread from the stickies that will help you understand what abuse is, and hopefully help you see that yes, you ARE being abused.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html

There's a lot more in the stickied section titled "About Abuse"--you might find it helpful to do some reading there if you can.

If a friend told you this story, what would you say to her? "Just get over it, he's not slamming your head into the wall?" Somehow I don't think so...and that means you shouldn't say it to yourself, either, I believe. You are worth more. You deserve more. And he is an adult and is (or should be) capable of taking care of himself as well as the responsibilities of an adult.

LosingSleep

Silentrun, thank you for invaluable insight. Did you ever manage to figure it out?

Honeypig, thank you for threads. I think part of my stress is that he has been worse than this and that's part of what I can't let go or forgive.


It's the details of everyday life that it impacts that I can't even remember day to day that make life so unsettling and miserable

You are right....I wish I could feel like I don't have to try to make it work but am worried to make wrong decision for kids..

Thank you both so much

BClare

LS, your situation sounds similar to mine. I've stuck around for over 40 years because my AH is just a stupid drunk, not a mean one and I thought it was in the best interest of the kids.

But unfortunately, my now adult children have no idea what a healthy marriage or relationship looks like, and I'm sick to death of being responsible for everything in our day to day living while he drinks all day every day.

I believe it's much lonelier than it would be actually living by myself. I'm sharing this to try and give you a glimpse of your future. It doesn't get easier and you won't get used to it.

honeypig

LosingSleep, I'd like to direct you to another section of the forum that may help you w/your concerns about making the wrong decision for the kids. It's the section titled "Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics", and I think after doing some reading there, you may see more clearly where the best interests of your kids actually lie.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

(ETA: I see the poster prior to me touched on this topic, too.)

I'd also like to pass on something I've read here time and time again: One person cannot make a marriage work all by him/herself. It is, by definition, a partnership. If only one partner is actually engaged and making an effort, that's not ever going to be enough to make it work, sadly.

LosingSleep

Thank you all so much,

BClare, I am so afraid to see the writing on the wall, so thank you. I am hearing over and over again that alcoholics don't change, so not sure why I can't just accept that

Honey pig, thank you also. I can see how awful this is for kids and I am so mad at him for making me choose emotional or financial stability for them!

I feel like I have to choose the option I don't want or the option I don't want

Thoughts SO appreciated.

Liveitwell

OP-sorry you are hurting. Something BClare said hit a nerve with me-bc it's so devastatingly true. "I believe (living with an active A) it's much lonelier than living by myself"...YES! This is so sad but true. I recall many nights crying my eyes and heart out to my husband telling him how lonely I was in our marriage...every single day/night was the same and I (and my marriage) was withering away. Now? Being on my own is not as lonely as my marriage was. Sad, but true.
I'm sorry for your pain....you can make a better life for yourself, him? Who knows, but it's not your problem.

AnvilheadII

I am so mad at him for making me choose emotional or financial stability for them!

there really isn't a good choice between one OR the other, you must chose BOTH. and if that isn't available, chose EMOTIONAL stability......you can survive on mac n cheese and ramen, but life becomes impossible without sanity.

leviathan

ACTIVE alcoholics don't change. Recovery is a different story.

silentrun

Oh yeah! Heavy drinking did something to my mind were I couldn't see that was I was doing was abnormal. I knew I was probably drinking too much and should cut back...someday. My husband doesn't have a drinking problem and he would make comments about how I drank often. That actually planted some seeds in my mind. Neither one of us thought alcoholic. Then one day it just hit me. There were some circumstances that lead up to it and I realized I needed to get back to my life ASAP.

It takes different things to wake people up. You can't know what or when that might be for him. All you can do is proceed with the situation at hand.

maia1234

Ls- good for you that you are reaching out for "help". I too lived with an Alcoholic for 34 years. I could take it, till I couldn't take it any longer. You get to that point. Just like Forourgirls said, you have no idea how nice it is with out them in your home or life.

Dont get me wrong, I still love my XAH. I just chose to no longer live with him and enable him to be drunk and awful. I got tired of always doing everything that needed to be done, as he was bored with doing stuff around the house. I was so co dependent. I allowed so much abuse for so long, I had no idea it was so wrong.

I got to the point that I was enabling him to kill himself, and he wasn't going to do that on my watch. So I ended the marriage. Hardest thing I did in my life but the best thing I have ever done for me in my life. I sleep, I smile, I'm not angry, or resentful, as I was always worring. My life has so changed for the better. I figured he was going to kill himself with me or with out me and I didn't want to watch it any longer, he can do it on his own.

Keep reading and educating yourself. You are worth so much more then him, hugs my friend!!!!

LosingSleep

I am really relating to a lot of experiences that you guys are expressing

The loneliness is crippling.

Silentrun, for me, I think I've run out of ways to try and help him, which is why I'm finally feeling the loss of him as a functional family member. I'm not sure I want to wait longer to see if he will start caring enough to quit...thank you for thoughts

Anvilheadll, unfortunately my initial decision will involve a lot of financial instability if I leave, which has been part of the struggle to leave . It's something that I can sort out further up the road, but not while my kids are so young...but I am leaning towards keeping my sanity for me and the children, without that, you've got nothing , right?

Maia1234, I feel those moments of calm and peace when he is gone to work etc, so can imagine what life might feel like and it looks a lot better than here it's nice to hear from 'the other side'

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences with me. It really helps get my head together and sort this mess out x

LexieCat

He's still working, though, right? He will be obligated to provide financial support for his children. Sure, he could get worse, lose his job, and that could disappear, but that could happen even if you stay. It's a lot easier to leave while there ARE financial resources, than it is to leave AFTER they are gone.

And if he does lose his job after you and the kids are on your own, there are social services to help, you could be working at a better-paying job, etc. You and the kids might have some lean times, but the emotional stability cannot be achieved in a household with an active alcoholic.

I'd suggest talking to a lawyer just to figure out what your rights/obligations might be if you were to divorce. It doesn't obligate you to DO anything until you are ready, but information is power. It would give you a much better idea of how you would actually come out of things, which is a better basis for making decisions than the fears that swirl around in your head.

firebolt

Your AH sounds a lot like my recent XABF. WHOA - that's the first time I've put an X before ABF, and it felt GOOD!

He worked hard, paid his stuff, was generally good to me - we had a lot of fun together.

That all half stopped - admittedly partly because I changed. I began to not like to be around him when he was drunk. Then I didn't like being around him when he was drinking - cause 20% of the time he was going to get good and drunk. The drunken episodes (being mad at me for things years ago, passive aggressive behavior, unreasonable arguments ) became more frequent. Unacceptable.

My dear, you can't ignore it and move forwards because it is unacceptable, and you deserve much, much better. So do your kids.

(((HUGS)))

LosingSleep

You know it's amazing how much less lonely it is and how empowering speaking with people who know what you're going through and take some time out of their busy lives to actually try and help you out of your hole.

Some great advice and Lexiecat, yes, I need to see a decent lawyer,you are absolutely right.

Firebolt, so glad you made it out, I think if I can get through the misery of the separation (because I know he's going to make it difficult in every way possible) I will be breathing easy again too

You guys are great. Thank you for taking the time

jezzebelle

Hi, I hear how angry you are but all you need to do is arrange to live separately from your husband. Your kids need to be away from a situation which doesn't allow you to see straight. A lawyer will enable you to receive maintenance payments from your AH and once you are away you will be able to unwind and B R E A T H E E A S Y. You can have both emotional calm and some income and let your husband sort himself out - it's a win win situation all round because everyone in your family of 4 will benefit.

You are the only one of the 4 who can make this decision to live away from your AH.

Search deep inside yourself and you will find the courage, especially because the children will be so much better away from someone who is really ill but doesn't know it.
We are all right behind you ........don't hesitate...... you'll cope.

LosingSleep

Thank you jezzebelle,

I guess it's taken me a long time to come to terms with

1) the good bits of the relationship he has with his children probably doesn't justify me staying
2) I am afraid that I will have to put them through very difficult financial circumstances as government support and maintenance won't add up to much. I was hoping he would quit and we could keep going in some semblance of normality

But I guess I really have to face up to the fact that I can't forget what he has already put us through and he's not going to change...even if he quits I'll always be looking for the empties after a row, wondering when it gets going all over again.

Thank you for the support. It really can change someone's world.

absofsteel26

I feel like your story is mine. I have been grappling with how I can financially survive if I leave him. I struggle with the fact that I will be hurting my 2 stepdaughters who I obviously can't take with me. I worry about the fact that my child with him....isn't even born.
I have been crying ALL day today. I am so tired of watching him kill himself. I'm tired of him hiding things from me and in turn....lying to me. I am realizing just how aweful alcohol is. It has changed who my husband is. He is no longer the man I met and fell in love with. He is now a man who will choose his need for alcohol over ANYTHING else in life.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for helping me see that I can't justify it for him any longer. My prayers are with you and anyone who is struggling with this decision. It is and will continue to be the hardest battle I have ever faced.

Katchie

Of course it is affecting you; read your post, it has gotten to you and it will continue to. My stbxh and I rarely ever argued, mainly because I kept silent, but that silence is deafening. The screaming was in my head and I was becoming a basket case -- excuse me, I did become one. You're not crazy, your living in crazy circumstances that will make the most sane person insane. Hugs