RedManc7

Just realised I passed the 7 month mark earlier this week. My best mates who moved to Africa and Asia respectively to escape the dragnet are 2 years and 4 months clean respectively. Another good mate who went down the needle route is still flat out by all accounts but I not seen him in over a year.
My business is more stable than it was and getting better which is good and I've got a new gf who knows about my past and what a lunatic I was (don't get me wrong I'm still a lunatic but I'm just a junkie who doesn't use anymore) but doesn't judge & isn't into that but at the same time isn't freaked out by it so that's good.
There's been times in the past 4 years where I couldn't envisage a day let alone a week without using, it still gives me the chills to think how close to the precipice I was, literally flirting with insanity.
I'm not complacent - I know too many people who've done clean stints but relapsed - Marcus' recollections on here often serve as a timely reminder that I have to stay vigilant.
I'm accepting of the fact that even though I'm clean Heroin and the fact im an addict will always be part of my life - even if looking back often feels like it happened to someone else - such is the extreme impact addiction has - you spend your time either getting on or getting sick & pretending to be living a normal life at the same time. It exhausts me even thinking about it now, it really is a 24x7 commitment heroin addiction- you don't get public holidays or the odd weekend off.
Thanks to everyone off here for their help &
Support. Especially in the first few weeks clean I was on here about a dozen times a day. Can't explain how much it helped fight off the addict voice in my head which was so loud and demanding then.
To everyone trying to get clean then it can be done - I tried giving up so many times! I learnt something new about myself with each failed attempt and finally put all the pieces of the jigsaw together.

Marcus

That is awesome Red. Very happy for you! Everyone has to find their own path that works for them. It gets easier the more we get to know ourselves. I too struggled for a long time to kick the smack. Felt so dam hopeless at times, but thankfully every time dope kicked my butt it strengthened my resolve to stay quit a bit more. I guess I finally had enough asskickings and was truly ready to do what it takes to find long term sobriety. Best thing I ever did.

Keep on keeping on my friend!!!

Incontrol15

That is awesome!

Good for you. Having given up Oxi and morphine I have a little idea of the strength and determination.

RedManc7

Cheers Marcus and Incontrol - appreciate it. Marcus especially - when I was in the midst of my doomed attempts a year/18 months back to give up he called me out when I was kidding myself and trying to kid everyone on here. You can't kid a kidder as they say. I didn't always take it well (addiction by its nature makes truth and honesty awkward) and although I attempted to defend my position id always end up ruminating about the hole Id dug for myself.
Appreciate the honesty - I know I sound harsh to some people maybe who trying to quit now it's just I feel better placed to read between the lines of comments and sense when people still aren't quite ready to let go of their DOC.
Everyone has their own journey to go on but its never an edifying experience to literally be at the ole live or die stage before waking up to yourself.
Been clean is a zillion times better than heroin addiction - needing something that you resent and hate isn't a good thing. For me i descended into full blown addiction as it meant not dealing with my emotions. That's an ongoing challenge but it sure beats addiction. good luck everyone and thanks y'all especially Marcus, Dee, Gnarly, chasing et al. At my weakest your words could make or break my mindset that day. Just as it's hard to convey the feeling you get when you first take heroin, it's hard to convey how much I appreciate your support in getting away from it. Keep the faith X

Sasha4

I've followed your posts for a while.

I think the thoughts you convey in this post sound the most sensible, level headed, organised that you have ever been.

Sounds like you have got your head straight about a really difficult time in your life.

I especially like the bit about addiction being a full time job - and not getting weekends or bank holidays off!
Addiction is a full on job!

You sound good.
Keep on keeping on mate xx

Dee74

Congrats RM

D

RedManc7

Thanks Sasha! Never imagine that anyone would follow the babbling inanities that I write but I appreciate the kind words - it often doesn't feel like I'm in a different place but reflecting on your words I guess I'm feeling quite contemplative at the moment - I never thought I'd be a heroin addict when many of my peers did become users then addicts (as a group of friends at the time we basically split into the smackheads who we looked down on as they became unreliable and always mithered you for stuff whereas our group concentrated on going to football matches and house music clubs with E's Speed and Weed our DOCs then) in our late teens early-mid 20s - there's been times in my late 30s between 2011-14 when I often thought I might never get clean of heroin - which during the odd moment of clarity in those years was a terrifying thought - the feeling of being at a drugs mercy is utterly soul destroying - makes the real world and the natural ups and downs that make up the human condition seem like a stroll in the park. There's an urge to wallow in the wasted years, the destruction my addiction brought me on so many levels but honestly I'm just so grateful I've freed myself of active addiction im just focused on the future, staying clean & embracing life, not running from it. I totally accept that im a heroin addict, I will always be one and I've learnt to live with that fact. That managing my addiction will be something I have to do every day in some way. The layers of denial are like a Russian doll so it Took a while to truly accept my condition. I say thanks everyday for the fact I have managed to reach acceptance.

Justincredible

Way to go man! Great post and keep up the good work.

PurpleKnight

Fantastic!!

BadSneakers

Good on ya, RedManc! Keep it up.

Soberwolf

Awesome milestone RedManc congratulations on 7 beautiful months

Sasha4

I like the babbling inanities - although I wouldn't describe them like that.
I think you post with a lot of down to earth clarity.

But there you go - you have followers now!
We need more of your posts so you will have to get babbling some more!

xxxx

kzaug2014

Congrats Redmanc! I'm so happy for you!

I agree that heroin is soul destroying. I've dabbled w/just about every drug known to man, but heroin's the one that nearly destroyed me ( not to make light of any other additions, as I'm sure most peeps feel destroyed by their doc's. )

RedManc7

Thanks Sasha I'll do my best lol pressure is on!

Cheers 2014 - yes I'd always used drugs & been a functioning alcoholic - Ecstasy and Speed were my DOCs in my teens and I graduated into coke with E's in my mid 20s.

Never took heroin till I was 33. Didn't touch it again for a good 12 months after. Didn't start using semi regularly/regularly till I was 35 and I was flat out addicted by 36. My mates I started using with, straight off the bat id buy double the amount they used a day, can't say they didn't tell me it was getting a grip on me but I was in full addict denial mode then, getting off smack seriously feels like one of the major achievements in my life - it rips all your humanity out of you & just leaves you like a soulless drug dependent devious horrible specimen of humanity. Thankfully it seems both of us escaped the dragnet - you ever remember them times when you suddenly realise if you don't get a grip u could end up one of those guys you know who ends up dead or proper destitute - still scares me know thinking how insane my behaviour was.

Spacegoat

I recognised its addictive potential after the first time I smoked it, it was obvious to me. I didn't seek it out again after that and I avoided it's local protagonists

I was flicking through some tunes the other day and I hit upon one that made me think of yourself and Markus. Straight dope! https://youtu.be/P-hSpVYT6oA

RedManc7

I knew of its addictiveness from friends experience and so didn't touch for 12m + after first blast. But the company I kept - fear of missing out - I got into it, thought it was great as it cured hangovers instantly I could eat on it I was sleeping at weekends and not up all night on E's Coke etc I was spending less on drink and in early days spending way less on drugs - $150 on smack twice a week when a g of coke is $300 and an E $25 meant I thought it i was being smart. We called it the cure all, at the start, never thinking we'd end up where we did,

jakec

Congratulations on 7 months!! You should be really proud of yourself. Any addict that can go even just one day without using is a miracle.

RedManc7

Cheers Jake, appreciate your words and support of everyone on SR.

gnarlyboots

I haven't been on here for a while and this is the first post post I read. Pretty awesome!

Anyway, that's such a solid effort Red, I'm not gonna preach to you how big of accomplishment 7 months clean is, esp seeing as you did it totally of your accord, that takes some serious inner strength & commitment.

You've been a source of inspiration for my own recovery that's for sure. Keep up the good fight mate, I'll see ya 'round!

RedManc7

Cheers Gnarly and likewise - lots of times before i finally got off heroin posts from people like your good self Marcus et al really helped my resolve in believing it can be done as there are times when say you've relapsed for the 7th or 8th time it's so depressing, the future looks so bleak as you feel trapped in your addiction you wonder if you'll ever know what normal life is like again - hearing stories of other lads with proper serious habits pulling through is inspiring & was pivotal In giving me the resolve to keep giving it a go and working constructively around what kept going wrong - glad to hear your going strong mate - viva clean living!